Hard to believe it is 6 months

[kayc]

I love my kids with all my heart and could never do anything to hurt them, but they aren't in my life much.  It may be a force keeping me from checking out, but it definitely doesn't fill the void.  I get more from my animals, they interact with me every day, I can cuddle with them, they keep me busy.  My kids don't need me, so I envy you that, Wolfskat.

[Gwenivere]

I love my furry one too, Kay.   What sucks is my dark mind knows I will lose them someday.  I really want to master that being in the moment and stop future tripping.  But this huge loss has me in its grip for how cruel it can be and now a reality that nothing is permanent.  It took the most loved things I had and I know it will be back to take more.  My ignorance about the reality of life has been rectified.  I always wanted to know more about life, but this is a tough class.  I'm not a good student in it.

[brat#2]

That's why I'm not getting any animals.  Everyone keeps telling to get a dog or cat for company, but first of all I'm not ready to take of another life, I can barely take care of me and 2nd I don't want to love and then lose it again.  I have that dark mind now too, that I don't want to ever go through this again, so I don't want to love anyone or anything ever again.  I don't know if that will ever change, but right now, that's is what I'm feeling.  I don't know if that is selfish or not, but I can't do more right now.

Joyce

 

[Gwenivere]

It's not selfish, Joyce.  You are more realistic about the love and loss thing than maybe you realize.  When Steve died I only had one of our dogs left.  The other had died a few months before him and he had his wish fulfilled he would be there for her.  I was so lonely for both of them as was my dog I got a puppy and she is now almost a year and a half.  Sometimes I wonder, what was I thinking?  I added another life that I grew to love and now have kinda screwed myself.  I just couldn't bear the thought of being totally alone and losing my whole family.  Now I have to stick around for the new one being so young.  Not that I had plans about doing something dire.  He/I lost dogs before, but always together.  Sorry, it's just one of those sh*tty days I am encompassed in the pain.  I don't even make sense to me.  

[brat#2]

No Gwen, you are making perfect sense to me.  We had 3 dogs and cat and lost all 4 of them, but we were together and that somehow made it easier.  I understand wanting another dog to help with the loss, we did that too (unfortunately they didn't work out & gave them away) and my initial thought when Dale died was to get a pet, but now I'm glad I didn't, most of the time.  I had to take on enough responsibility as it was/is that I can't take on anymore right now.  I'm sorry you are having such a painful time right now.  I'm sending hugs

Joyce

 

[kayc]

I was just talking to Mitch about this very thing...I told him I always had in the back of my mind that someday I will lose my dog/.  And yet, I enjoy each and every moment I have with him and appreciate him so much!  It's about staying in the moment and trying not to worry about what may come someday, enjoying this moment fully.  To do anything less is to lose some of the good of this moment, which you can never get back again.  Someday I will lose my dog and I will have to deal with that loss then.  It will hurt like hell, I will miss him more than I can say, but to let that stop me from enjoying any of today out of fear would be to severely limit my life, and I don't want to do that.  We all know what we can handle and when we're ready, but I don't want fear to deprive me out of one ounce of joy!

[Gwenivere]

Again, Kay, you inspire me.  So glad you are here.   ?

[deniz]

On 4/4/2016 at 5:35 PM, kayc said:

I read in the paper where a couple died in an accident, and my first thought was how lucky there were to get to go together.  It was premature, they were only 65, but still...I wish that could have been how we went, together.

hi kayc, hi everyone.
this was actually something that occupied my thoughts for a great deal of time after I lost Z. in a car crush. there was indeed a couple in the same car, who were also killed in that instant. my first thought when I heard that all three were gone, was no, they had each other, they were safe, but my Z. was alone. I had to be there, there had to be a way of entering into that car, holding her hand and just die or whatsoever. I don't know at which point I stopped thinking that, just what you said made me remember all those helplessness. 

just today, I was staring at the open window of my 4th floor apartment, wondering why I just don't jump. I sure was fantasizing of Z. coming and taking me with whatever fetal method she'd like. I think I don't jump, because I still wonder what is to come if I don't jump. this is not exactly joy, but I do wonder. frankly, I sometimes think that my dear little girlfriend slipped through the net quite clean, and I really am not sure that I wouldn't want to see her dealing with this mess instead of myself, but the sad thing is, she really enjoyed living. and I wonder, if I ever will be able to taste that feeling. 

[kayc]

deniz,

I'm sorry my comment stirred up those memories.

I'm glad you didn't jump.  You would never know what joy you missed if you removed that opportunity forever.  I remember at the beginning of this journey not able to see how I could possibly live and feeling all light had gone out of my universe.  Today I feel differently, even though my world has changed completely.  I miss my George, not a day goes by but what I think of and miss him with all my being.  But I've learned to coexist with my grief, and I've known true moments of joy that I would have missed had I not continued on.  The birth of my granddaughter.  Seeing my son graduate from college with engineering degrees in computer, electrical, and mechanics, summa cum laude, debt free, and the commencement speaker.  (Do you sense my pride?).  I would have missed his wedding and my daughter's wedding, and so much with my sisters.  I would have missed the final years of my mom's life, her journey with dementia.  I would have missed knowing and owning my furry soulmate, Arlie, and his siblings Kitty, and Miss Mocha.  I would have missed the beauty of today with it's 93 degree weather.  I would have missed my ten year friendship with one of my best friends before she moved.  I would have missed getting to know all of you.

And so much more...

[WolfsKat]

On ‎4‎/‎5‎/‎2016 at 5:20 PM, Gwenivere said:

 Sometimes I wonder, what was I thinking?  I added another life that I grew to love and now have kinda screwed myself.  I just couldn't bear the thought of being totally alone and losing my whole family.  Now I have to stick around for the new one being so young.

Gwen, I understand this.  While I did not obtain a new pet after Connor was gone........I have "our" two furkids.  I'd lost a beloved dog very shortly prior to Connor entering my life, and said....NO more pets.  Well.........when Connor and I started our life together, one of the first things he wished was to have a cat, or two........he loves them, and had not been able to keep a pet where he'd been.  I love cats, as well......and next thing you know, we adopted a rescue kitty, Sebastian, a large black mini-panther........Connor adored him, and referred to him as his "wing man".  Then, feeling that Seb needed a lil' brother, we adopted Mandrake (also a rescue kitty).......a fun, very quirky, little silver tabby.  Both of our furkids are quite young, and healthy.....so, I will probably have them for a number of years.  Connor always said that Sebastian chose him, and Mandrake chose me.  They are company for me......although I worried about Sebastian.....thought I'd lose him.......he grieved Connor (to those who say animals do not "know".....I call B.S.)  would not eat much, hid out, chewed his own fur out bald....howled horribly for weeks.....he was SO bonded with Connor!  May sound odd to many.....but, they also give me a reason to go on......I have to do right by them, Connor would want that very much, and I do love them.  I just hope they outlive ME!