Moms Birthday

[Guest Guest_shane_*]

today is my moms birthday, I wont be taking her out to eat lobster instead i will be taking flowers to her grave. this is the first time I have had to do this she passed away four months ago. she would of been 68 today. even at 44 I feel like I have been orphaned. as each day passes I miss her more the holidays were hard but for some reason today seems harder. I am a only child so I dont have anyone to share my feelings with, My dad is still here but he is dealing with his own grive.

[Paul S]

Hi Shane.

I know very well what you're going thru. My Mom died last November, and she would have turned 90 on January 20th.

I had planned on doing something for her birthday, like transplant some of her old houseplants that I took or something, but never got around to it.

I spent some time at her gravesite, and cried a bit and talked to her. I felt a little better afterwards, but only a little.

I went to Mass, and offered up some prayers for her, and went to a bookstore and purchased a few books on grieving. Reading about grief and bereavement helps, in addition to seeking counseling. Many places offer it for free. It helps a lot to know that what you're feeling isn't unique, and that you are most definitly NOT alone.

There were 2 things I did that I wished I didn't, that being to linger over birthday cards that I might have gotten her, and hover in the bakery section of the grocery store and examine chocolate cakes. She was a chocoholic.

We've all been there. To quote you:"even at 44 I feel like I have been orphaned. as each day passes I miss her more the holidays were hard but for some reason today seems harder. I am a only child so I dont have anyone to share my feelings with"

I am 43, and also feel orphaned. I am the youngest of 5 kids, but due to situations arising out of Mom's death and its aftermath, the family has fractured and therefore I have no one in the family (except a niece) to talk to. (my Dad died 10 years ago, a sister 18 years ago). I have a few friends, but they can only help so much. I come here a lot, and have met some very nice people who understand and who "get it", that is, they do have a clue and know what you're feeling.

Keep coming back here and share with us, and we will do the same about our loss, and we will help each other.

[Steve]

someone on another group said "the heart doesnt know age." thats still mom. its been 17 years for me, and i still miss my mom. her greatest failing is caring more for others than she did herself. even people who i KNOW only met her a few times said what a wonderful person she was, and how they were dazzled by her selflessness. im only sorry she wasnt there to tell me what she actually thought of my dad.....

anyway, treat yourself to enjoying her memory. even go to out for that lobster dinner. and make sure you have others to enjoy it with. ive said before, and believe wholeheartedly, we are a social animal. we need others in times of stress, and esp. on such a painful and difficult time.

[FUNNYFACE]

My father died on March 20 2005....He was Irish and to him St. Patricks Day was the only day ......he would dress up in a green business suit (lord knows where he got it)and green hat...decked out in shamrocks and off he would go to work......last St. Patrick's Day was horrible for me and it is just as bad this year. Yesterday I went and put Shamrocks on his grave and tomorrow I will toast him with Harp beer but I sure do miss the little Leprechan....he looked just like one ....with his short sature, red hair etc....I miss him so much....I didn't really have a chance to grieve him when he died because I was trying to be so strong for my Mom....there was only the 3 of us.....that now that she is gone it kinda crept up on me......next St Paddy's Day will be better I hope......

Funnyface

[tootie]

Wow, I know this may sound funny or even strange to all of you, but you all have talked about going to your parents graves for their BD's & the 1st thing I think is ........how lucky you all are. My mom passed away almost 3 years ago now, & I have yet to be able to go to her grave for her BD. No not because it is too hard for me to do, but because when she passed my aweful brother took her ashes & horded them to himself. My mom passed away on March 30th of 2003, & my dad died on Nov. 21st of 2004. With this all....my brother had the ashes & never would burry them. Well last Dec. my wishes finally came true. My parents were finally put to rest in a proper way. So I get to go to my mom's grave & share her BD with her next month. In a few short days I will mourn her 3rd year of passing, & then a few days later April 12th I will go to her grave & let balloons go for her BD. I live in MN & winters here are VERY cold, but I have been to see my mom often & I am so glad now that she has a final resting place. Those little things that some take for granted others only wish they could have. My thoughts & wishes go out to each & every one of you who are going through the sorrow of loss. I think of you all every day, & I thank you all for being here. Eventhough you have no idea you are helping others by sharing your grief, I would like to let you all know how much you have helped me over that past 3 years. With out all of you, I do not know where I would be.

THANK YOU ALL,

Tootie

P.S. this year my family & I will be letting ballons go for mom at her grave & they will have family pics, & saying from the past year. Pics of the things we have done this year that she did not get to see here on earth. Then we will be sure to listen to some of her favorite music & have BD cake for her. We will cellabrate what a wonderful woman she is & how much we love her.

[Maylissa]

Tootie,

I don't know if you've read any of my posts where I talked about this very subject, but I can completely relate to what you said, and then some! You mentioned:

"...but you all have talked about going to your parents graves for their BD's & the 1st thing I think is ........how lucky you all are...because when she passed my aweful brother took her ashes & horded them to himself...& never would burry them....Those little things that some take for granted others only wish they could have.

P.S. this year my family & I will be letting ballons go for mom at her grave & they will have family pics, & saying from the past year. Pics of the things we have done this year that she did not get to see here on earth. Then we will be sure to listen to some of her favorite music & have BD cake for her."

I'm sure you'll understand when I say I'm glad I'm not the only one who's gone through this exact turmoil! My own awful brother still has my Mother's ashes, plus the ashes of an Aunt's and her husband's, on our father's side. Knowing him, though, he will likely never inter them anywhere other than his closet, where they still remain, over 2 yrs. since he took possession of them. I spoke to a lawyer recently, and while apparently he has no more legal right to hold them than I do, I'd have to apply to the courts to get them out of there, and even then, I've been told the courts won't likely give them to me, either, unless I arrange and pay for an interment in a mausoleum or plot, out of my own money ( which I can't afford to do ), even though simply getting an urn and keeping it, or spreading her ashes would still certainly be more respectful than doing nothing with them. My brother has stolen all our parents' funds for himself, and the Province won't lay charges against him for theft and fraud ( I just found out yesterday ), so I can't even apply to have him pay for any or all of those costs, as it would have to be proven first that he stole all the funds that should have covered final arrangements such as this.

If I may say so, you're also lucky to have your own family with whom to pay tribute to your mom, even though it took 3 years to get to do this. Even if my Mom was interred somewhere, it would be 2 Provinces away from me, so I couldn't just go when I felt like it. And while I'm quite sure my husband would eventually accompany me to any place she might be, he probably wouldn't 'get in the spirit' of things, so to speak, and wouldn't help me organize such a tribute and sharing of the last few years of our lives w/o my Mom. So you're even more fortunate than me that way. I almost had to emit a wry laugh about this....but couldn't quite manage even that, as it makes me both sick to my stomach and so enraged all at once when I think about what my evil brother has done, to me, and to the memory of our Mother. Even if he were to die himself anytime soon, I wouldn't necessarily get to collect her ashes, as it would depend on whether the police could find any reference to me, his only sister and last sibling, in his home, which isn't likely....so I might still be outta luck on that score. Someone would have to look up family records to find out about me, and I highly doubt they go to all that trouble.

I still say what I've said from the start of our family losses....the WRONG brother died ( my eldest bro. died 2 months after our Mom ) and I will never truly rest until both my remaining brother and our father are wiped from the face of this earth. I can only hope my last brother dies suddenly at hopefully the same age as our other brother died, which would be 2 years from now...otherwise I'll never have the absolutely NORMAL 'luxury' of being able to visit my Mom's remains.

Edited March 21, 2006 by Maylissa

[tootie]

Maylissa,

I am so so sorry. OMG reading your words has brought so many bad memories back to me all I can do is sit here & cry for you. I do not know why people especially our own family members have to be this way, but I do know that what goes around will come back around to them. My heart goes out to you & I will keep up hope that one day soon you will be able to have this closure. Just remember this..............nothing we can ever do will make our moms come back to us, but they are with us every step we take. I can tell by the words you have spoken that you are a remarkable person, & your mom has made you that way. She is not only with you, but also she is in a sense you. She has made you strong & she will help you through.

Tootie