The Second Year

[annew]

Perhaps it is the holidays and the memories, but I so hoped I would feel better by now. I always have expectations that are too high and this may be no different. It's discouraging to hear that the second year is harder for some. In some ways I am doing better, but the pain is still so acute and deep and feels like it will never end. It was so unexpected and now I am nearly 60, jobless, unable to find work yet and having too little too do. Even volunteer work has had set back after set back with training. It's got to get better than this and yet I feel so hopeless. I am sure this will pass but it feels so awful now and the roller coaster of feeling gets so damn old. There does seem to be a part of me deep within that still has the lights on, still feels happiness at the Christmas lights (our favorite thing about the holidays), will never give up hope on me and my value. Thanks for being here, for listening to me. Blessings on everyone, as we all walk each other back Home.

AnneW

[Panos]

Anne,

Your post roused such familiar feelings for me. My wife has been gone for a almost two years and as you say, the sad feelings that we are all trying to cope with seem to reach crescendos on occasions like our lost loved ones' birthdays, our wedding anniversaries and, of course, Christmas. This second year for me has indeed been as difficult as the first; and maybe, in some ways, a bit worse. For me, it has been the realisation that the sadness and other emotions aren't waning, that I miss my wife more than ever. There is now a stark realisation that all the wonderful times, the love we once shared, are now buried in the past and that it will always be this way. Trying to remember the wonderful moments are fraught with agony. The dichotomy of how it used to be versus the way it is now only seems to underline the sadness and the loneliness. I've come to dread all those 'special' days and holidays and sometimes wish I could just sleep through them and wake up after the fact.

Anyway, thanks for your post.

Peter

[annew]

Yes, Peter, I hear you. There are few memories that don't bring up great pain, regardless of the memory. I am so sorry for your loss, your pain, and how tough this second year is for you. I am very glad you brought it here and allowed yourself your feelings as I know, for some, the support also goes down for those still dealing with so much overwhelming feeling. I am glad for my memories, just wish I could have them in happiness. Hugs Peter and all others here. You are not alone, you are not forgotten and your feelings matter.

AnneW

[MartyT]

Dear Ones, most certainly you are not alone, and while it can be quite unsettling, what you are feeling is normal ~ most especially at this time of year, when it seems as if everyone else is happy and making merry.

Both Mary and I have written about this aspect of grief, and I invite you to read these articles, in hopes that they will help you to feel less "crazy" and alone:

The Fog Lifts Only to Reveal Secondary Losses

Grief in The Second Year: Finding Your Way (See also some of the Related Articles listed at the base of this post.)

[Queeniemary]

Anne and Peter, the second year for me was worse. I thought it was going to be better, and at first I thought it was. I think what happens is that you realize your life is never going to go back to what it used to be. No matter what changes may be made in the future, you will never have the life back that you once knew. You may still have a good life, but you will always remember and grieve for the one gone. Mike has been gone almost 5 years, January 13, is the anniversary date of his death. I still miss him as much as I did in the first few agonizing months after his death. I still have days of the grief being somewhat overwhelming, with disbelief, but they are now few and far between. This time of year and Halloween (he loved Halloween) are the worst, so many memories. Trust me when I say, you will come through this. I will never stop loving Mike, and I will always miss him. However, I do have a life. It is not the life that he and I planned for our retirement, but it is a good life. I have great friends, wonderful family, I am still actively involved in community theatre, as was Mike. The best part of being with my theatre friends, is that Mike's name comes up quite often, joking about what Mike would say to this or that. I love that they feel comfortable enough to mention his name, and joke about what he would say or do. He was a well loved and respected member of our theatre community. This is such a cliché, but it is true, as time passes, you will start to heal, you will become better able to cope, and maybe even see a little joy at the end of the tunnel.

QMary

[enna]

I am so very sorry to hear of your loss, Peter. And Anne, I have been where both of you are. The pain is always there only it is not as stabbing for me. I have found that by reading and learning about grief and spending time here on this forum it helps me to feel not so alone. Anyone who says that we'll be jolly during this holiday season is living in a fairyland. How could we be ~ our lives have been turned upside down and our hearts are cracked wide open. But, we do learn to accept where we are and let that be okay. I have read both of the articles above more than once and believe in the truth that both Marty and Mary speak. In the links there is a book that I have on a table that I pick up often. It is titled How to go on Living When Someone you Love Died, by Therese A. Rando, Ph.D. It is filled with solid advice.

Be true to your feelings and hold on to those memories you have.

Anne

[annew]

Thank you so much for all the referral material, Marty....it is most helpful.

And thank you, QMary for the response of experience, strength, and encouragement. It really does help to be among those that have gone before and are surviving as best they can. It is a welcome place for me, the disbelief. It takes me out of my mind and into my heart more. It's not the same as flat out denial. It's just that the disbelief seems a safe place to go and is closer to him in spirit at the same time.....it wraps around me and comforts me that he may have changed form but that he is still here....yes, most comforting. I don't yet have a lot to keep me busy but I am thinking that will change more this year and I am more and more ready for it. Another friend of mine said it feels like our partners did not die so much as moved in completely in our hearts and are always part of us now. I feel that too.

[kayc]

I think most people do find the second year harder...I hesitate to say so because I don't want to discourage anyone going through their first year. They must keep in mind that each person's journey is different and it can depend on so many factors. If they were in denial the first year, numb, foggy, and surrounded by supportive people, then it stands to reason once everyone goes back to their lives and the numb fog wears off, they will feel more...and as Marty has pointed out, the secondary losses appear. And part of it is our expectation...we expect the first year to be the toughest and think if we just survive all the "firsts without" it can't get any worse. Letting go of expectation helps us to deal with what is rather than what we hope for. One day at a time. Have faith that it will get better eventually. Better but not ever like it was...it is up to us to find and adjust to our "new normal". How I hated those words! As if any part of this felt normal! But it is an apt description of what is taking place in our lives...our "normal" has now changed and it's up to us to cope, we are doing so little by little by living in the present and not trying to take on "the rest of our lives" all at once.

[annew]

To be honest the old normal was for the last 10 years of it a downward spiral into illness and isolation and depression for both of us as his illness slowly took the life we had built together apart. It was hard on us, we are both born fighters.....and got nowhere but here now. I have some hope for a new normal though it is very lonely.....Well, I am not alone in this and it makes a huge difference to have a place to say what I really feel. So many thanks Anne and Kay for being so responsive and loving and caring. All of you here are such angels.....just when you need it.

AnneW

[MartyT]

Anne, my dear, if you want to read a truly heartwarming article that might reassure you that your beloved is still here with you, but in different form ~ read this: This Day, That Tree, Marry Me ♥