Hello, new here.

[Gettingthrough79]

And we shared almost every meal together as well. 

[kayc]

7 hours ago, Clematis said:

One would think that getting rid of my dad's clothes would be easy since I don't wear men's clothes.

It's really not about whether we have use for them or not, they are a reminder of them, and thus hard to deal with.  We all deal with this in our own way and in our own time.  When my husband passed, a couple of weeks later his closet rod broke, which I took as a sign that it was time to deal with that.  Otherwise they might have sat there for years.  I selected the clothes that most reminded me of him (his fishing vest, which I still have) and sent some sweaters to his kids to have something to hold, I kept his bathrobe (it's still hanging on my closet door and sometimes I wrap it around me) and I boxed up the other clothes to donate to Sponsors, something that was near and dear to his heart (he always had a heart for down and outers).  I took them to Sponsors 1 1/2 months later when I was giving someone a ride there.  They were so happy to get them!  It was a bit weird to see some of his things being worn later, I hadn't expected to run into that.

Most importantly, I wouldn't push going through them until YOU are ready.  I cleaned out his trailer way too soon, it caused me excruciating pain and I literally wailed!  You could hear me up and down the street!  And if I had it to do over again, I should have had my daughter there with me while I did it, I should have waited a year or so.  It was just too hard, too soon.  Sometimes I tend to push myself too much.

 

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

My mother had to worry about getting to the bathroom on time and kept falling. I felt terrible. I would wake up extra early to walk her to the bathroom to make sure she didn't fall.

It was heartbreaking to watch but I miss her so much. I am also terribly heartbroken that my cat got lost. I am so grateful to have my dog. I don't know what I'd do without him.

Since we lived in separate condos, I wasn't walking him to the bathroom and he figured out that he could use a disposable urinal in bed so he didn't have to get up in the middle of the night. It didn't save me from living in fear for ten years, though. I was always worried that I would come over and he'd be lying in a pool of blood on his persian rug or crumbled up in a heap next to his bed or in the kitchen or something. Like you said, it was heartbreaking to watch but I miss him so much.

That is very sad about your cat. I'm glad you have your dog - can you post pictures of them both so we can see them?

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, ilotuslove@aol.com said:

And we shared almost every meal together as well. 

We did too - well at least one meal and sometimes two. In the beginning eating by myself was staggering. I wasn't sure how much I should eat or when or what. Sometimes I would eat too much for no particular reason and other times I would be falling apart and realize that my last meal was barely a snack and a long time ago...

[Clematis]

4 hours ago, kayc said:

Most importantly, I wouldn't push going through them until YOU are ready.  I cleaned out his trailer way too soon, it caused me excruciating pain and I literally wailed!  You could hear me up and down the street!  And if I had it to do over again, I should have had my daughter there with me while I did it, I should have waited a year or so.  It was just too hard, too soon.  Sometimes I tend to push myself too much.

I've had to have someone with me all the time, and I started way too soon. I wasn't even close to being ready. They pushed me a lot on getting rid of his clothes and at some point after getting rid of his underwear, pants, long-sleeved shirt, and most of his sweaters and coats, I skidded to a stop because it felt totally out of control. This left me with about half a closet full of short-sleeved woven shirts with a collar and a pocket, which he wore almost all the time upon moving to sunny Arizona.

Like you, I push myself too hard, and last summer was the last thing I needed to be doing with a head injury. I am really glad to be back in my house - not so much to be here, but to have the work done. Much as I would like to have just dug in at his house and stayed there, I couldn't afford to keep both of these places indefinitely. Now, I have stopped most of my work on his stuff, and am trying to focus on my temporary work. Maybe if I do a good job of it, it will lead to more work.

[Gettingthrough79]

It pains me to look at pictures of the cat since I no longer know where she is but I will post a pic of my dog. I am warning everyone, you might get startstruck.

 

[Cheryl J]

Adorable!!!

[Gettingthrough79]

1 hour ago, Cheryl J said:

Adorable!!!

Thank you. He's like a little man.

[Gettingthrough79]

3 hours ago, Clematis said:

I've had to have someone with me all the time, and I started way too soon. I wasn't even close to being ready. They pushed me a lot on getting rid of his clothes and at some point after getting rid of his underwear, pants, long-sleeved shirt, and most of his sweaters and coats, I skidded to a stop because it felt totally out of control. This left me with about half a closet full of short-sleeved woven shirts with a collar and a pocket, which he wore almost all the time upon moving to sunny Arizona.

Like you, I push myself too hard, and last summer was the last thing I needed to be doing with a head injury. I am really glad to be back in my house - not so much to be here, but to have the work done. Much as I would like to have just dug in at his house and stayed there, I couldn't afford to keep both of these places indefinitely. Now, I have stopped most of my work on his stuff, and am trying to focus on my temporary work. Maybe if I do a good job of it, it will lead to more work.

Laura, you are so sweet and I feel every drop of pain you're going through. Thank you for being here and helping with your words and your thoughts.

[Clematis]

On 9/15/2016 at 0:39 PM, Gettingthrough79 said:

Laura, you are so sweet and I feel every drop of pain you're going through. Thank you for being here and helping with your words and your thoughts.

Thank you! Sorry I didn't see this sooner. I went camping at a music festival last weekend, and then spent three days doing very little but trying to recover. I have gone to this festival - and camped - every year for almost a decade. This year was a very different experience than I usually have. I spent a lot more time in the campground because some of the music was too much for me with my post concussion headache from the car accident. I missed calling my dad from the festival, checking on him, and even missed feeling guilty about leaving him alone for three days, even though I was less than 30 miles away. I missed trying to share the festival with him over the phone, by picture messages, and getting together afterwards.

Your dog looks very sweet. He would probably like a little walk. I had a really hard time taking the shortest walks in the beginning, and always wore sunglasses because I was always crying as I walked from my condo to his and back. I am still taking very short walks, but it doesn't seem as arduous.

 Tonight I took Lena down there with me. Walking a cat is harder than walking a dog. I have to carry her down there, but she's like a horse heading for the barn on the way home and will walk on the leash very nicely. I bet your dog would walk nicely for you and you wouldn't have to carry him...

 

[Gettingthrough79]

Cat on a leash has to be the cutest thing ever.

I spend time with him when in the backyard when i have the strength to do it because it seems about as far as I can make it right now.

[Clematis]

10 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

Cat on a leash has to be the cutest thing ever.

I spend time with him when in the backyard when i have the strength to do it because it seems about as far as I can make it right now.

Thanks! Cat on a leash is very cute. And your dog - just give it time and take baby steps. Walk around the yard and then walk across the street and back with sunglasses on. When my dad first died I felt like I was paralyzed a lot of the time. And like I couldn't breathe. Even still I am not sure if I am exhausted from  grieving - or the car accident related head injury - or both - or does it matter? I have gotten used to walking down to my dad's house and back - it's about three minutes each way. I feel sad walking down there to take care of things but I'm not crying all the way like I used to. Nevertheless, getting through things seems rather pointless. I don't remember how or when taking care of my dad became such a primary focus in my life but it sure did.

Take the best care of yourself and your dog that you can. It might be easier to take care of your dog than yourself. In the beginning when I was staggering around feeling paralyzed, there were a lot of times when I had a meal only because Lena reminded me rather vocally that she was hungry and I realized that I ought to eat something as well. I wasn't really hungry but knew in the back of my mind somewhere that it wasn't only Lena that needed to eat.

I am really not sure I would have survived the months since my dad died had it not been for Lena. It may be the same for you and your dog. Whatever it takes. The only thing you can be sure of is that nothing ever stays the same. Therefore what we are experiencing right now will not be permanent, but will evolve. Let's see another doc of your dog. What kind of dog is he? What's his name?

Here's Lena - "Mom - open the door! Or get the staff to do it! We are on the wrong side of the door!"

[Gettingthrough79]

12 hours ago, Clematis said:

Thanks! Cat on a leash is very cute. And your dog - just give it time and take baby steps. Walk around the yard and then walk across the street and back with sunglasses on. When my dad first died I felt like I was paralyzed a lot of the time. And like I couldn't breathe. Even still I am not sure if I am exhausted from  grieving - or the car accident related head injury - or both - or does it matter? I have gotten used to walking down to my dad's house and back - it's about three minutes each way. I feel sad walking down there to take care of things but I'm not crying all the way like I used to. Nevertheless, getting through things seems rather pointless. I don't remember how or when taking care of my dad became such a primary focus in my life but it sure did.

Take the best care of yourself and your dog that you can. It might be easier to take care of your dog than yourself. In the beginning when I was staggering around feeling paralyzed, there were a lot of times when I had a meal only because Lena reminded me rather vocally that she was hungry and I realized that I ought to eat something as well. I wasn't really hungry but knew in the back of my mind somewhere that it wasn't only Lena that needed to eat.

I am really not sure I would have survived the months since my dad died had it not been for Lena. It may be the same for you and your dog. Whatever it takes. The only thing you can be sure of is that nothing ever stays the same. Therefore what we are experiencing right now will not be permanent, but will evolve. Let's see another doc of your dog. What kind of dog is he? What's his name?

Here's Lena - "Mom - open the door! Or get the staff to do it! We are on the wrong side of the door!"

Cat on a leash has to be the cutest thing ever.

I spend time with him when in the backyard when i have the strength to do it because it seems about as far as I can make it right now.

[Gettingthrough79]

Staggering is exactly the right word.

I find myself staggering everywhere yet I have to look at places to live, deal with lawyers and real estate agents.

One of the other reasons I avoid walking him is because he's about 100 lbs and pulls me every which way. I don't want to fall. That would make everything worse.

So, I try to sit with him in the backyard a little, try to make things half way normal. I know he misses her and the cat since she got lost. They were very close. The car accident topped it all off. Completely totaled and I have to junk it. We bought it together and loved riding in it.

It just seems like one disaster after another.

I'm just thankful the weekend is over and these 2 ex's fun excursions came to an end while I sat here and they were playing instead of being supportive.

I expect people to go on with their lives but show some compassion.

My doctor and bereavement counselor are the only ones there for me right now. No family, no close friends.

For some reason it won't let me upload a pic of Smokey Joe. I'll try again.

 

[Gettingthrough79]

1 minute ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

Staggering is exactly the right word.

I find myself staggering everywhere yet I have to look at places to live, deal with lawyers and real estate agents.

One of the other reasons I avoid walking him is because he's about 100 lbs and pulls me every which way. I don't want to fall. That would make everything worse.

So, I try to sit with him in the backyard a little, try to make things half way normal. I know he misses her and the cat since she got lost. They were very close. The car accident topped it all off. Completely totaled and I have to junk it. We bought it together and loved riding in it.

It just seems like one disaster after another.

I'm just thankful the weekend is over and these 2 ex's fun excursions came to an end while I sat here and they were playing instead of being supportive.

I expect people to go on with their lives but show some compassion.

My doctor and bereavement counselor are the only ones there for me right now. No family, no close friends.

For some reason it won't let me upload a pic of Smokey Joe. I'll try again.

 

 

[Clematis]

Oh, that is very cute! That makes sense that walking a big dog would be a challenge, and getting them to not pull so much on the lead is really exhausting. That is very sad about the cat - losing a pet on top of what you are going through is really awful. 

Like you, I am struggling with the aftermath of a car accident along with the grief. The two together is really exhausting. My accident was four months after the loss. I think I was starting to get on my feet a bit after my dad's death and then the car accident came along. Now it's another four months and I often wonder if I am so exhausted because of the grief or the head injury. But realistically, that's probably rather pointless because it's both and impossible to tease out.

2 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

It just seems like one disaster after another.

I know what you mean - it is! Remember to take it one step at a time. - Laura

[Clematis]

I seem to be getting sick now on top of everything else...most definitely not what I need!

[Gettingthrough79]

23 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

Oh, how I miss the cat. No idea where she went...had her over 13 years. Grief on top of grief etc...I know people may get fed up and annoyed with me because I keep mentioning my abusive ex.

Anyone who's been through it knows it's not that easy to just say goodbye.

To add to the grief we got into a big fight last night. He called me terrible names and told me he found a girl skinny enough to fit on the back of his bike after I helped him pick it out and was promised we would ride it together. That was another slap in the face.

Then he told me I needed  to "earn" my way into his family. I'm just a girlfriend. I was shocked. He's sick and I need to stop egging this on. It's making the grieving worse.

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[Gettingthrough79]

20 hours ago, Clematis said:

I seem to be getting sick now on top of everything else...most definitely not what I need!

I'm sorry, hope you're not getting sick...to top it all off.

[kayc]

No contact, that's my advice.

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

To add to the grief we got into a big fight last night. He called me terrible names and told me he found a girl skinny enough to fit on the back of his bike after I helped him pick it out and was promised we would ride it together. That was another slap in the face.

Then he told me I needed  to "earn" my way into his family. I'm just a girlfriend. I was shocked. He's sick and I need to stop egging this on. It's making the grieving worse.

To me the first words that some to me are pompous a**. Or, how about this - extreme narcissist? Either would do. He doesn't deserve to have you - or any other girlfriend. Kay has good advice - no contact.

The other thing would be to every directly tell him what you think. It might inspire him to decide that no contact with you was safer. That was kind of what happened with my sisters, who are both very passive aggressive. They had a lot of insipid little nasty remarks that were said to each other in front of me or indirectly to me. I think the "rule" of the passive aggressive communicator is that they say things that by design cannot be responded to directly, and you are not supposed to respond, but to go slinking away. I don't like playing those games and tend to respond truthfully and directly, even if it "ups the ante" and makes someone really angry. Usually in time the truth stands on its own in time and is apparent to everyone.

I have more than enough on my plate without sacrificing myself for people who don't really care about me and so do you. In the immediacy it may seem like it's easier to go along with things and hang onto people no matter what they do to you, but in the long run it may just make you feel worse. I think going along with or instigating "no contact" can make it feel like you are adding to your own suffering, but the opposite is probably true. At least for me that is the case.

Here's another strategy - imagine that someone else was in the situation you are in, being treated as you are...what would you think they should do?

 

[Clematis]

3 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

I'm sorry, hope you're not getting sick...to top it all off.

I am sick - no doubt - and it's like getting knocked down again. It's very discouraging. 

I'm so sorry about your cat - that is really sad, and the last thing you need. Cats are such a comfort

[Gettingthrough79]

6 hours ago, Clematis said:

I am sick - no doubt - and it's like getting knocked down again. It's very discouraging. 

I'm so sorry about your cat - that is really sad, and the last thing you need. Cats are such a comfort

I know. .I took a nap and woke up extra sick about all  of this...just slapped me in the face. I hope you feel better soon.

[Gettingthrough79]

Ty for your regards about the cat...it's horrible.

[Clematis]

5 hours ago, Gettingthrough79 said:

I know. .I took a nap and woke up extra sick about all  of this...just slapped me in the face. I hope you feel better soon.

Thanks! I am already doing better. I wonder how you are doing.  You really seem to be staggering under a big load of losses. Are you still having to move? 

What is the name of your cat? Do you have a picture? I feel really badly for you losing your cat. I can't imagine losing a cat on top of everything else...