marsha

Thank you all so much - today is better. But I know from your posts that ups and downs are part of the path. It's good to know you're here when the downs come. A note to Kath - I'm into 43 pages in my journal already - and I've only read it back one time. Cohesive? No - I go from anger to love to every emotion in between. Good thing I can type 100 words a minute, because that's how fast it comes out! Sherry, Deb, Rosemary, Pat, Fred, KayC - sharing your journey with me, being at different points in our lives - it awes me that going through the pain you're in, you can still respond with compassion. I know a young (29 year old) widow that won't talk to anyone. I'm so glad I can talk here. Peace, my friends, Marsha

Sherry - I love music too, and play the songs over and over again that speak to me - this song really said it - thanks, Marsha

Friends, I hit a brick wall today. I woke up at 12:30 a.m. - couldn't go back to sleep. My mind was in total turmoil. I tossed and turned until it was time to get up at 3:45, and I felt a panic attack coming on like I haven't experienced. I don't know what triggered it - but I had to force myself to go in to the shop (I own a bagel shop/deli) and MAKE THE BAGELS. For the first time, I took a quarter of a Xanaax - I have never done that before, but I thought I was going to lose it. My waking/sleeping dreams were disjointed, sorrowful - awful - the reality of Joe never coming back is so here now, 4 months into it. Good Lord, how do we get through this?? I need some comfort! Marsha

Kathy - Oh, those flashbacks! I got to say goodbye to my husband, but the preceding three months of cancer were a nightmare -that's what i flash back to. Over and over. It's like i'm taking his sickness onto myself - could I have done anything better? Could I have eased his mental anguish any better? There are no answers, I just pray a lot, and try to find my own strengh. Economically? Oy, as my grandmother used to say. I try not to open my statements. I am becoming so frugal, I squeak. Living on pasta and salads, not spending anything! My female friends have a running joke, that we're going to start a commune together and take care of each other. Not a bad idea, right? Take care, Marsha

Yes, Kath, you said it so eloquently. It's the small things that hurt the most. When you live with someone for a long time, it's those memories that stay in one's heart, that can't be shared, but are missed the most. Thank you so much for sharing - Peace, Marsha

Paula - don't fee bad, I started smoking again, too. The wierd thing was, my husband smoked three packs a day - and his lungs were fine! I'll quit, eventually, but for now... it's hard to try to live in the moment, and the day, but if I think ahead, i drive myself crazy. I try to be gentle with myself - eat foods that appeal to me, listen to music (although I'm sure my neighbors aren't happy when I crank up Jimi Hendrix), just be. It's absolutely the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life - I feel like I'm branded with fire. All I can say, is thank the lord for you all, because 99 percent of people, including friends and family, don't get it, although they mean well. Marsha

Thank you, all. I have spent hours reading hundreds of past posts, and so many of them struck a resonance with me. All of you are so insightful, and full of love and help. I'm honored to be here. Marsha

Hi all - my name is marsha - i lost my husband on July 1. The man was never sick in his life, then he was diagnosed with billiary duct cancer in early March, and it was all downhill from there. It happened so fast, my head was spinning - I couldn't keep up with it. He fought fiercely, and so did I, but it was G-d's will. After going through his journey, now I'm going through mine. But actually, I'm still going through his, because he's in my thoughts, oh - about every two minutes or so! There's times I feel like this is now my life - with a constant undercurrent of sorrow, and this huge void. We started a business together 8 years ago, and I'm thankful for that, because it takes up a lot of my time. But I feel like I'm teetering at the edge of an abyss, that dark place that causes anxiety, panic, loss, whatever. Thank you all for listening - Marsha