marsha

Autumn - i am so sorry for the loss of your beloved sister. I'm not normally on this forum, as I lost my husband 6 months ago. But grief of a loved one is so, that we share in those feelings. I'm sure your heart is so heavy now. I can only suggest what others told me - keep yourself healthy, post here to let out your feelings (it helps tremendously, I can say that), and grieve in your own way, at your own time. There's no getting around it, I'm afraid. Yes, I can truly imagine how you feel; it's like the loss of a limb. My prayers to you, at this difficult time, Marsha

Jackie - I'm adding my thoughts and prayers for you in addition to what Kath said so well. My husband is gone over 6 months, and my mother 8 years. There are times for me when the grief encompasses both of them. I understand what you're saying. I was very close to my mother, my husband was the best thing that ever happened to me, and together, the loss is sometimes overwhelming. I've also asked G-d why? But it's not an answerable question, I guess, because I sure don't get an answer! My mother's loss brought my brother and myself closer; your brother is dealing with his own grief, and it's a personal journey for him as well. I'm sure you're doing everything you can to help him. And please, you aren't whining; please don't even think that about yourself. You're grieving! I'm hoping for a little peace in your world today - Hugs, Marsha

Teny - I have no doubt at all that you were there, and strong, for your brother and sister in law; I can imagine very well how difficult it must have been. Prayers for Clare's recovery from the surgery! and prayers, too, for your Anna and her baby girl. Hugs, marsha

Kay - very good question. There are many times when i feel a chasm between well-meaning friends and myself. I can, or did, before DH, spout my opinion about anything and everything. I find myself much more reticent now. It's difficult to explain to those who do love me exactly what I am feeling and going through. I'm struggling to figure it out myself! Plus, if I really said what I thought, I would probably scare the hell out of them. It's funny though (in a very good way) that I can express myself so well here - if there's one thing grief does, it tends to leave the crap behind. The emotions expressed here are raw and true; something not normally done in one's day to day "normal" life. And it's so very much appreciated. Peace, friends, Marsha

Thank you, Wendy, that was exactly what I was thinking - Dear Kay, I think you were amazing today. You expressed to John what you thought, you did what needed to be done. I've read every one of your posts, and I want to write some words of wisdom that will make you and your situation better - but all I can say is I hope that the ache in your heart will abate. You are truly an incredible woman - you pour your heart out, you offer yourself up and thereby offer wisdom and guidance, just by being you. I just hope for a measure of peace for you tonight - Hugs, Marsha

vickie - also try emailing every single person you know in your address book - can't hurt. I had a friend who was desperate to sell her house and got responses from doing that. This is out there, but what about vets' offices or pet grooming services -I know you love your dogs and you have good experience right there. Not great pay, but maybe an opening. No bag lady status for you - too ornery and too strong! Love, Marsha

Good Lord, Kim - like you don't already have enough going on?? I don't know what to say, save let your nephew contact you first. I would cut off all communication with your sister in law in the meantime, because it just sounds like it will add fuel to the fire. Please, please, don't let guilt eat you up. It's so easy to do, but it will accomplish nothing. A mantra I repeat to myself daily, by the way. As far as Dan's treatment, and a potential lawsuit - do you want to do this? Are you strong enough to do this? Do you want to relive this, for as long as the lawsuit takes? And will it change anything? I'm sorry to be so blunt. I've been through the cancer thing myself, except it happened so quickly I'm not sure anything would have helped. Once cancer progresses to the brain, and it did within one month of Joe's initial diagnosis, there's not much that anyone can do. It was fungal pneumonia that really killed him, he had no immune system left, and I never want to see this in my life again. This is only my sole opinion, based on what I've gone through. I'm sorry if I sound down, I just feel for you so strongly! Love, Marsha

Deborah - After only 6 months I don't have any advice, nor will I give any. I just want to tell you I understand the endless sadness. You posted in another thread that you hesitated to post because you felt your grieving was wrong, or taking too long. Bull-sh-t! The very fact that you are here, posting your feelings, and helping others (myself, by the way) is a good thing, and I value your input. I think to myself often, am I depressed, grieving, manic, what?? But we're all unique, we all go through life's land mines in different ways. Peace, and hugs, my friend, Marsha

Paula and Jeanne: Count me in as being right where you are. Joe's glasses and the gold hoop earring he always wore are on my kitchen counter. His sandals are right by the front door where he last took them off, still, after 6 months plus. It's not that I'm thinking he's going to walk in the door, they just give me comfort sitting right where they are. I literally cannot move these items - but that's ok. I've given away the items that he really never wore to our local hotline. I gave some of his extra large t shirts to my now 9 month pregnant employee, who wore them to work - that made me and her feel good. Jackie - good for you for both buying yourself a present and for cooking for your family! I know how hard that must have been. Peace to all, Marsha

Chai - I do believe that no one is harder on us then ourselves! I think we have all gone through, and continue to go through, the feelings you describe so well. If you had a physical injury, you wouldn't think twice about tending to that injury. A psychic and emotional injury also needs tending. What you're doing is your way of grieving, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with it! In the first few months after Joe's death I beat myself up because I felt I should be "doing" more; I've come to realize, just a little, that I'm listening to my gut. I try to do as much or as little as I want to. One more thing - I'm a correspondent for a newspaper, and was on a weekly deadline during the worst of Joe's sickness. I got those stories out, I have no clue how - then it dried up. It frightened me, because writing is my passion and my creative outlet. My editor was very understanding, and I took a couple of weeks' hiatus. In the interim, after Joe's death, I started a journal. Sometimes I could only write a paragraph. Sometimes pages of thoughts poured out. It was just that I had to express, even to no one by myself, what I was feeling and going through. It helped - and I hope this helps you, even a little bit! Peace, Marsha

Annie - I'm probably going out on a limb here, since i don't have kids. But to me, there's two options - tell them now, and they'll be upset with you, and probably with your parents, or don't tell them now, in which case later on they'll be upset because you didn't tell them. Aids is not a stigma, it's not something to be embarrassed about! It's a disease, plain and simple. I don't think there's any avoiding the pain, or the memories you and your kids have about your parents, by not telling them. Secrets in families have a way of getting out - so my thoughts are to tell the truth. You might be surprised in how they deal with it. I wish you all the best - Love, Marsha

OMG - I thought I was the only one!! I'll be sitting here, just on the computer or something, and all of a sudden, I am so cold I have to put a sweatshirt on and crank the heat up. It's like a bone chilling cold, and it just happens. I don't know if it's a panic attack, for me it doesn't happen like that. But I do feel it's something happening in our minds/bodies that triggers it. you're not alone in this - Marsha

Thank you all for lifting me up again - just knowing that you all get what I'm posting is something I'm so thankful for. No, it's much more than that. To post, within your own pain, just shows how loving and giving you all are. Note to Mike - I actually hate to paint! I don't know why I'm doing it, except it's focusing me and in doing the walls my own colors, seems to be part of the healing process. I've moved on to my bathroom today!! I don't know why I'm doing it, but I'm doing it, so I'm going with the flow. I closed my deli for the month of january. I knew I needed this time to just sit and be. I haven't had a day off since February when joe was diagnosed, and i knew and know it's going to be hard. To put it mildly. The anniversary/birthday/newyears wave went, a little bit, and I'm sure it will come again. But for right now, I'm just dealing with today. And it's ok, for right now. Mary Linda- not to worry - that was just gallows humor - I'm seeing a therapist - plus you guys!! I'm not going to do anything to myself. Thanks to you all, my cyber family - Love, Marsha

This is hard. I'm almost not wanting to post. I read Kim's, and what she's going through, and I feel like I should be grateful for my health and not whine. I am grateful for my health! It's just that this weekend has been so hard. Jan 1 would have been our 24th wedding anniversary, and jan 3, Joe's birthday. Jan 1 was also 6 months out for me. For the past couple of days, I woke up, had coffee, then paced back and forth. I didn't know what to do with myself. So I painted a room, a project I've been thinking of. Another room is next. All in colors Joe would have hated! All to try to focus on something - anything! I know in my mind I'm trying to find me again, but in between there's this great big ball of grief in my heart. A good friend stopped by last night after church (she lost her 48 year old daughter a week before Joe died) to make sure I was still here. No, haven't offed myself yet - too chicken-sh-t! I guess I'm not hiding it as much as I thought I was. It's been 11 months since his diagnosis and death. Oh Lord guys, if I could only see a glimmer of light at the end of this dark tunnel! Marsha

Think Spring - I'm so sorry for the loss of your Mom. Mine did, and always will, have a firm place in my heart and mind. And I understand how hard it is to be helpless in the face of disease and watch your loved one suffer. But please try not to be too hard on your father. My mother died 8 years ago, from the reoccurence of her 3rd non cancerous brain tumor. The previous years my dad would take care of her himself. He wouldn't let anyone else do anything. I believe he felt it was his responsibility and love for her. People do what others would consider to be strange when their spouse is sick. He died of a massive stroke 3 weeks after she came out of the hospital for the 3rd time. She lived 4 more years. I lost my husband 6 months ago to cancer. Oh, how I understand now what both she and my father went through! I wish I could have had time to talk with them. And one more thing - After my dad died, when i went to visit, my mom and I would always hold each other close, and say I love you, to each other. And you did, too - there's nothing left unsaid. My heart goes out to you! Marsha

Mel - I find lashing out at telemarketers really makes me feel better! Actually, I wish I could lash out more - but my momma taught me to be nice (oh, that word for us women!!), so I tend to smile, then later let loose with some prime expletives deleted when I'm by myself. It's very ok. Kay - great suggestions, ones I'm going to look into myself! When you talked about the fear of being alone, not being able to handle those tasks our husbands' did, you hit it for me. And you're right, ask for help. I've used the barter system very well. Owning a deli helps! Love and peace, Marsha

Not Coping - you're not alone here, and you're not alone in having panic attacks. I never know or knew when I would get hit with them. What I try to do is breathe deeply, then focus on something else. Even doing a load of laundry or coming here to read past posts, or organizing a drawer helped a little. It drew my mind onto a task, and gave my mind something to concentrate on. To me, the panic is when my fears come right to the surface, and it's almost too painful to deal with, especially when I don't have answers. But they do pass. Big cyber hug! Marsha

Mel - thank you for sharing that beautiful song. I put on a good face to the public, but the song expressed a lot of how I feel. Tomorrow will be 6 months to the day that I lost him, and would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. I'd like to spend the day being with myself and my memories. Peace for all of us, Marsha

Kay - I had to resign in. Joe and Marsha

vickie - john is so right in what he says. we're all in a very different place then most. when joe was sick, a friend would come around the shop every other day or so to check on me. he had oral cancer 8 years ago, and was given a terminal sentence. he came through, and came through with an incredible appreciation of what life is about. he told me that most of us go through life, some make a statement that's remembered by a lot of people, but most of us basically live our lives. but those of us left remember them with memories, and love, and that's never gone. my mother's birthday is tomorrow - it's just basically my brother and myself left to remember her. but we do, with all our hearts. your father will always live inside of you, your love and your memories are yours, and by them he'll never be forgotten, and the same goes for pat. remembering for us is hurtful, very hurtful, I know, but not necessarily all bad. Marsha

Mike - I finally got to download the pictures - your Janet's spirit shines right through, in every year's pictures. Thank you for sharing these glimpses into your family. But like Kay said, you were the only bald GUY!! Marsha

OK, going back to the pact we all made to post whenever we felt bad - here goes. January 1st would have been our 24th wedding anniversary - it's also 6 months to the day when Joe died. "When Joe died" - I write it, but there are times I still can't believe it. I'm sure the anticipation of that day is weighing on my mind. I go to work in my deli, come home, post and read, journal, eat, and go to bed. Oh, and drink wine. Then I do the same thing the next day. I've turned down invitations from friends for all the holidays, I just sit here in my house, my comfort zone, and do what I do. I don't know if this is normal, I've never been through this before! I'm just afraid it's some strange manifestation of my personality coming forward. I need to hear - has anyone gone through this? Am I normal? Help. Love, Marsha

What a beautiful gift, Mary Linda - what great kids you have. And the poem is so, so true. Marsha

Mike - the gremlins wouldn't let me get on your photo page, but i'll try again later. Your menu sounds yummy, and you did good today, friend. Marsha (p.s. - ok, i'll look for the bald guy)

Fred - friends' link? individual pages? i really am stupid. guide me through this and i'll be happy to jump in. Lord, I thought i was computer literate, but I guess that was 10 years ago! Marsha