marsha

Mike - how great that you're making dinner, so what's on the menu?? It must be incredibly hard, but hopefully you and your sons will find some solace - it's going to be six months next week for me, too. Peace, Marsha

rosemary - i guess you don't sleep in either, judging by the time of your post! i went to the beach early this morning, and as soon as i climbed over the dune, i saw two dolphins leaping out of the ocean in tandem. it was awesome. Enjoy your day, and have a peaceful one - Marsha

Fred - You did it again! You said exactly what I've been thinking, especially these past few days. Like Rosemary, I'm alone by choice. I've also reflected on friends' concern about me being alone, and come to the conclusion that although I am grateful that they're thinking of me, a lot of it is their (probably unrealized) fears and concerns about themselves. But that's ok - I just need to understand where others are coming from, and separate it out from my own true feelings. What I need is validation of my grief - and you've just helped me out with that. What I try and hope to do is reach out to others on this same journey to validate their grief, as well - and I hope I'm doing that, if just a little. A peaceful day to all, Love, Marsha

Hang in there, Mel, I know it's hard. I'm going to bed early, but I'm going to be home pretty much tonight and tomorrow - just post when you feel you need to do so. And peace - of any kind - to all of you posting on this thread - Love, Marsha

Sorry Kay, but I'm totally on your side in this situation - not his in the least. From what I can see, you gave 100% and there's nothing you should be ashamed of. You gave your heart to another - and if you made what turned out to be a bad choice - you're human! I can't emphasize this enough - you are NOT a piece of garbage, you are a loving, wonderful woman. You are valued here immensely, and that means a hell of a lot, to me, and I'm sure to many others! Please try not to let his attitude bring you down. I'm sure your mind must be in complete turmoil at this point. Take care of yourself, dear one, and keep writing - Love, Marsha

Mel - that's a good way to describe it, that's for sure. Sometimes I dream I'm at the edge of an abyss - it's scary to think of it as a bottomless pit. But I think there is a bottom. Just the fact you're here and telling us about what you feel is something you should pat yourself on the back for. It seems like a small step, but verbalizing your feelings is so important! This is a hard path - I hear you. Peace, Marsha

I agree with ALL of you! I can't express it any better than what you have all posted. Thank G-d for this site, for this is where I come too to vent, and read. Let's make a pact - when we feel really bad, lets not hesitate to come here because we feel we're bringing others down. I know that's the emotional point when I need all your input the most. Speaking for myself (well, who the heck else am I speaking for??), it helps me to be able to reach out and help the friends on this site, even when I'm feeling bad. Marsha

Kim - dear one - I wish I had the answers, too, to the questions you're asking. I'm going to go out on a limb here, and pick out some things you said on your post. You're studying to be a pharmacy tech, and you and your family will be out on Christmas helping others. When I see what you're going through, and then when I see what you are doing, and continue to do, I'm awed, seriously. You have a good, a loving heart. There's a whole lot we have no control over, but things change - sometimes for the better. We're looking through life right now with "mourner's eyes" - through the eyes of grief, and sometimes helplessness, and things seem bleak. But things could change for the positive as well - I'm hoping and praying it does for you. Love, Marsha

Teny - I'm so sorry that things are so difficult for you today. I think we all go through that "what's the point?" question many times in our grief. I understand so well. But you're, here, with us today, telling us what you feel, and that's so positive. We are with you in spirit, my friend, lifting you up. Patty Ann - and you just helped me today! I've been getting a lot of unwanted and unasked for advice, and it really got to me yesterday. But your advice is always wanted - I'm going to try and do the same thing as you, and avoid the negativity by letting it roll right over me. It's too easy to be negative, and so very difficult to be positive, isn't it? Peace to all of us, (I feel like Tiny Tim!) Marsha

First, I want to wish you a very happy birthday, Pat - hugs and cyber flowers. Your thoughtful and considerate responses to everyone shows just how brave you really are. I had a dream last night. I woke (in my dream) and Joe was next to me. My hand was clutched against the side of his face, in his long ponytail. He was laying close to me, asleep, holding me. I thought, wow, is he here, you mean all of this was just a bad dream? He got up, went to the kitchen to make breakfast. I got up, and took a look at him having fun cooking - pots and pans were everywhere. It was like a normal day for us. I left the kitchen for a moment, then when I came back, the kitchen was empty of everything, and Joe was gone. This has put me in a tailspin since I woke up, with tears constantly at the surface. I just can't seem to find myself today. Love you all, Marsha

Mel and Heartbroken- Not being prepared for this? I hear you loud and clear. For me it was like 24 years married? blink, not any more, and here I am. We are seeing our loss through mourner's lenses, as I think Marty said recently. It's very true - I feel like I go to work and talk to people, and then I come home and here is where I am really me. Believe it - posting here with all of your feelings, no matter how bizarre, or strange as it may seem to you, will help. Although I have loving friends and family, they don't know - they just don't understand - but I didn't, either, until my husband died in my arms. Wendy and Derek have been on this site a lot longer than me; trust in what they say to you. Peace to all of you, Marsha

Vickie - being a pack rat t'aint so bad (hear the southern woman in me??) - a simple, yet eloquent poem. It's good that you remember your cousin - like you're going to forget? She sounds like she was a strong woman - like you. Peace, Marsha

Kath - you're ok here! I read your post - I am so terribly sorry about your nephew. I don't have kids, so I wasn't quite sure what advice to give. But reading your last post, I think you're doing the right thing. When I was 8, my beloved grandmother died. My parents did not have me attend the funeral, but I can assure you, the memories and love for her have not diminished over the years. Your kids will remember your nephew with love! Be well, my friend, Marsha

Rosemary - Good for you!! People tend to project on us what they think - maybe deep down there's a fear that "it could happen to me", so they try to push you so they feel better. Just my thoughts on the subject. I'm in a similar situation as you, and I'm good with it. At least for today! Marsha

Teny - have been reading the newpapers and hoping that you're ok. It's like rage just reaches the boiling point and then explodes. It's a scary time. My thoughts are with you, Marsha

Mel - I'm not sure - it's been over 5 seconds, so my widow brain has shut down! My Joe was diagnosed with billiary duct cancer in march. this type of cancer is like ovarian cancer for women - by the time it's diagnosed, it's too late - it's terminal. He did go for one round of radiation, but it was only to keep him alive for a little while. The cancer spread to his brain by early April. We were given a death sentence then - one to six months. I'm sorry if I sound clinical, but I've had months to dwell and think on this. In April, when the doctors told us, I literally couldn't believe it - Joe made up his mind to fight, so I went along with his wishes.I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. I already told our niece (a nurse) to OD me on morphine if this happens to me - she's now my health care POA, so she better do it! Whoa, here goes my rant again! Mel, if you want, please pm me and I'll be glad to explain it further - marsha

Mel - I agree with Rosemary - this is way too soon for you to even think about the holidays. Don't worry about it. In reality, our reality now, the holidays are just another day. Just hunker down, and don't think about it. You know what? Right now, it doesn't really matter. It's just one day at a time. Peace, Marsha

We DO so understand - i'm on this website every day, and gone back to past posts to see where some of the members have started, and where they are now. This path is one all of us never wanted, couldn't imagine - but here we are. People ask me how I'm doing, and I say, "I don't know - I've never been through this before." And it's true. But those of us here, no matter what age, or what situation our dear ones died of, have a common thread - we lost the loves of our lives. And we all get it. So--what's your real name, so we can address you personally? Hugs, Marsha

NotCoping - please listen to Mary Linda, she has excellent advice. Right now you just need to take it one minute at a time, no more. Your body and mind are in shock, and you need just to take care of yourself. I know what you're thinking - I can't do it. You can do it, and I can speak from experience - I'm alone, too - no kids and no husband. Please PM me any time; and please continue to come here - these are wise, and understanding people that have been where you are now. Peace and hugs, Marsha

Kim - And through all of this you still will be giving of yourself to others at Christmas - I think that's awesome. I too will be praying for you and your family - Karen, Josh, Missie - and you. Try for a little peace this weekend, and hopefully the news on Monday will be good. Hugs, Marsha

I know we all suffer from some sort of sleep deprivation! For me, it's at about 1:30 a.m. - every night. Then my mind turns on. I think about everything, in no sequence - fears, thoughts, memories - a past boyfriend, my friends and I partying at a club in 1977, will I ever find someone again - do I ever want to find someone again - am I also going to die a horrible death - did I file my quarterly taxes properly?? That's just an inkling of what I'm thinking. My brain just races. The other night I swear I thought through my entire life. Needless to say, when I finally got up, I was exhausted. I know my mind is trying to process Joe's death, but can't I do it during the day?? Does anyone else experience this? Widow brain at 5 months talking, Marsha

Kath - I don't understand why it has to be this way either. If there's a learning curve, dear Lord, can't it be easier than this? I don't know what to say, except it gets better, and worse, for me, too. I know you're hurting, and I'm sorry you're in pain. My prayers are with you today, dear one. Love, Marsha

Deborah - how are you doing?? I'm thinking of you - Marsha

Heartbroken- I am so sorry for the loss of your husband! I can tell you that I know what you have been through - for me, it was diagnosis in March, and Joe died July 1. You feel, Lord please let him out of this suffering - then it happens, and the loss is unbearable. Joe had billiary duct cancer, so rare it's terminal by the time it's diagnosed - so his liver was basically shot. He blew up to 225 pounds (he was normally about 180), then dropped to 120 - in 2 months. A nightmare. No, we had no idea of what to expect - and what would happen next. You are normal in your grief, and in your feelings! I'm glad you found this site of loving people just questing, living and learning -there's so much here that will make you feel like you're not alone in this journey - we all get it. Please be gentle on yourself - Peace, Marsha

Deborah - it's been 5 months and Joe's sandals are still by the front door - his glasses are still on the counter. And you know what? I don't care. I like them being there, for whatever reason that's going on in my widow brain! marsha