marsha

Kay - Although I wasn't on this site when you got remarried, I did log on to many past posts. But not knowing the complete situation, and not knowing how you feel about your husband, I'm still going to add my 2 cents worth - and I mean no offense, please believe that. Get a good lawyer and cut your losses. You don't need anyone draining you, emotionally or financially.That being said, you gave of yourself and there is only honor to you for doing that. If this is a mistake, we all make them - we're human. I just hope this all comes out to your benefit - I care about what happens to you! Marsha Kay - one more thing - to be going through what you're going through, and still find the strength to post to those of us who need comfort - you are one amazing woman. You will go through this, of that I have no doubt - Love, Marsha

Friends - today's been a hard day. Nothing in particular happened, I just feel like I hit the wall. Or a wall, as I'm sure this won't be the last time. Maybe it's the holidays, I don't know. Like I told Teny in her last post, I feel like I have one foot in this world and one where Joe is. It's been almost 5 months. I can't seem to focus or be interested in anything - I do what I have to do, I do paperwork, I even did some cleaning today - but I'm just lost. I don't know who Marsha is any more. I hate feeling like this. Those of you who have gone through this, any words of help? I need to know things will change, that this hopelessness will abate. Thank you - Marsha

Teny - I know what you feel about having a foot in this world, and one where Yiany is. I haven't posted to you before, because I just didn't know what to say, but I feel for your grief. It seems that when friends and family die, it just seems to add to our loss. I pray for you to find strength within you at this unhappy time - Peace, Marsha

Jan - you are definitely not the only one to feel like this!! I'm running a business alone that Joe and I started 8 years ago; everything was going great until the economy tanked. Now I'm hard pressed to even pay my bills. It's causing big time stress - and, I have no partner to talk to about it. And, well, life seems to be going on whether I like it or not. In a way, those first few months of numbness provided a kind of protectiveness; now, I'm feeling like I have to rejoin the world of the living. I just miss my husband so much it takes effort to do so. You have so much on your plate - I have no doubt it's overwhelming. But going to a support group, and posting here, at least will give you some confirmation that you aren't going crazy, and that your feelings are normal! I'm sorry if I sound analytical - it's just hard to get the true depth of my feeling out sometimes. But I do believe that grief doesn't take a time out, so don't feel like you're stalling. It's all there, in your heart and mind. Peace and hugs, Marsha

Wendy - prayers coming your way - to Marcia, from Marsha

Paula - I have a picture of Joe next to the computer - I also say good morning, joey, every day. Thank G-d others do it; I just thought I was holding on or being strange. Deborah - I hope today is a better day for you -this is just hard - Peace, Marsha

Mary Linda - I agree with Kay - it's so hard I have to turn my mind away. I had to bring Joe's death certificate to our cable company today to transfer the account to my name. Needless to say, I had a bad drive home. I feel like i'm erasing him from the physical world. But he remains so in my heart. Sometimes I feel like I've gone past grief, and am turning into stone. Joe and I were always hugging and kissing - that's what people wrote in their sympathy cards, because that's what they saw. Now I'm just a tough momma trying to make my way. Well, they say we need 15 hugs a day or so, so here's one cyber hug for you - Marsha

Kath - that's absolutely great!! What a big step for you - and now that you've done it, you can do it again. Isn't is great to get reinforcement from people who like your work? I'm very happy it worked out so well - I was wanting to PM you, but I didn't want to bug you. Glad you posted, Hugs, Marsha

Kath - Now YOUR post made me cry, too! What a good thing to think about, because I think we all tend to credit our spouses for making us who we are, while forgetting that it indeed a 2 way street. OK, here's 5 things Joe would say about me: 1) My 100% loyalty, committment, and respect for him. From day 1, I was determined that this was what my marriage would entail. Thru sickness and health, richer and poorer - all came into play in 23 years. 2) He told me that I made him the man he was 3) Saying "I love you" every day, and meaning it 4) I always appreciated Joe just for being him - I think I was, inside myself, always aware that there might come a day he wouldn't be here; I never expected more of him than he could give (which was a lot) 5) Being partners, in life and in business; wonderful and immeasurable emotional support Marsha

vickie - it wasn't just your dad and your husband giving to you - please give yourself credit for growing, and being the person you have become, and are. You gave back of yourself to your loved ones. It IS reciprocal. And shared. I remember things from when I was a small child, and I remember things as an adult - Joe used to say I never listened to him (we "debated" a lot) but his thoughts and ideals have stayed with me. We gain from our loved ones, so much. I hope I don't sound like a Hallmark card; you know where I'm coming from! Peace, Marsha

After reading all of your posts, can I put something out here? It seems to me that we have all grown as people and become the better for it, with the loving and giving relationships we had with our spouses. I was so scared that I was going to go back to that "damaged goods" person, as Rosemary put it that I was when I was 28, as strange as that sounds. Well, I'm 52 now, and after 23 years of marriage, growing up together, essentially, I'm a different person. All of your posts were lovely, and loving, by the way - thank you for sharing them. Marsha

Vickie - I love that!! Marsha

Kay - what a great post! Although this is actually painful in a way, I need and want to do justice to the man I loved, especially because I've been so focused on the time of his sickness. 1) Like you, Joe loved me without reservation. Even when we clashed, as angry as we got, we never said unkind things to each other - we respected each other. 2) Joe was loyal. By that I mean he and I committed to each other 100%; I never doubted him, and he me. 3) He made me laugh. He was so irreverent - people who knew what he was about really cared about him deeply. Even when he was sick, he could joke with nurses. His one nurse called him "my bud". 4) He was my net. He balanced me. 5) Even though he wouldn't admit it, he was a deeply caring person to others. Kids adored him, because he was a little kid in his heart. In our deli, if a person had no money, he would say, "pay me whenever you can" - I do the same thing now. I was honored to have him for 23 years. Marsha

Summerbelle - I am so very sorry of the loss of your husband. It's a shock to your system, and your very being. Coming here to post was a very good thing - there are wonderful people here who can help you understand, even a little bit. My advice right now is not to let things overwhelm you, it's too easy to let that happen. Aside from the basics, nothing has to be done immediately. The most important thing for you to do is to take of you. Try to sleep as much as you can, drink a lot of water, eat, and let yourself grieve. I know it sounds impossible, but just think of getting through the next moment. Again, I am so so sorry - please come back and let us know how you are doing. Peace to you, Marsha

John - my Joe had the same attitude as your Jack. He, too, lived for the moment. Sometimes, I would wake up and it would be late, and I knew he had to get up early the next morning. "Why are you still up?" I would ask - and he would say "I don't want to miss anything!" Oh, that I would have that feeling about life. I was the worrier, and he would balance me. Please don't be hard on yourself. You've written a wonderful book that helps others (I've read quite a few excerpts and can attest to that). You are much further in this journey than I am, but I've found that human nature is something we can't explain. I've had people who are almost strangers to me offer me more comfort than friends of 25 years. And my take on it? There are those who just can't deal with death. So be it. I have found myself in your position of wanting to reverse roles - but - I know I must realize it was Joe's time, not mine. As many questions, guilt, grief - all that come up every day, every minute - there's nothing - NOTHING - you or I can do to change the outcome. The finality is awful and heartbreaking, literally. But you are a valued human being in your own right! I wish I could say more words of comfort, peace, John, Marsha

Kay - several weeks ago I woke as I usually do at 4 am - to go into my deli. I put the weather channel on, like I always do. You know how they have music in the background during the "local and accurate"? Well, Mercy, Mercy came on. It was Joe's favorite song - he would sing it to me. But only played then once, and several other days, but only in the early morning when I was awake. I like to think it was him telling me to have a good day. There have been other small things, too - I went upstairs yesterday and noticed a small bunch of hair at the doorway of our second bedroom- it was his, from when he took it out of the rubber band he always wore to keep his ponytail back. I've vacuumed that room several times since he died. So I don't know, but I hope and pray and believe. Thank you for this post, I was feeling down, and getting this out makes me feel better. Marsha

Thank you, Sherry - it's a powerful song. All Joe wanted to listen to was Nebraska, by Bruce Springsteen. It's a sad, but again powerful album. Music does mean so much to us. Kath - I believe in angels in human form - when I'm feeling really bad, often comes someone to just check in on me, or talk for a while. Like you, the comfort of those here fits that human-in-angel form. Marsha

Jenn - I'm going to share a story with you - Joe had 2 kids, both grown, in their 30's - they had kids of their own and emailed us pics, and such - but Joe hadn't seen them in 20 years (long story) They live in CA. I called them the weekend I knew Joe was close to dying - they came out the next day, and were with me, and Joe, holding on to him that last day. Even though he hadn't seen them in so long, we shared long hours of stories, and we had kept all their childhood pictures. We all cried--so much. But I see Joe in his kids, and when they came out for his memorial a months later with the 5 grandkids, I saw Joe in them, as well. Even though you may be thinking that memories are not there, or will be lost, I can say with certainty that's not the case.Your kids will know your husband - through you. I want YOU to find comfort HERE - just the fact that you posted here, in response to my post, makes me feel so good, and it's also good that you are thinking, and feeling, and that's what you need to do to get through this! I so understand your agony, and lonliness - this is an awful place to be in our lives. As so many wise people have said here before, we are a true family here. In our everyday lives, we tend to just go about our business, as best as we can, but here we can lay out our feelings with no judgement. So please do it, Jenn. My thoughts are truly with you. Marsha

Rosemary - your last paragraph really resonated with me. After my really bad day yesterday, I dreamt of Joe for the first time. He was surrounded by people, some I knew, some I didn't. I felt a feeling of protectiveness from all those around him, towards him. He hugged me, but no words were spoken. I felt shy, like I was an outsider. My feeling in the dream was that he was going on all through these months. This is the first time I feel that he's ok, and the first time I could look at his picture posted on my computer without feeling that dagger through my heart. I don't know if it will last, but I'm ok TODAY. Thank you all, for your insightful posts! Marsha P.S. - Mike, Joe was my best friend, too.

I'm feeling lost today - when I read about your families, I'm envious. Joe and I had no kids, my parents are dead - so I'm an orphan and a widow at age 52. My keyboard just blipped, so it said age 552, but that's about how old I feel sometimes. I'm just feeling very alone on this planet today. It occurred to me that so much has gone on in the last 4 months since he died - the world doesn't stop for anyone, and we would have had such debates about it. But I feel like I'm stuck back in that hospice room with him. I feel like I have blocks of granite on my feet, trying to move forward. Marsha

Kath - I think this is the absolutely best thing you can do! Your creativity is flowing, and alive. Hopefully this will be a blessing for you, and a source of income, too. I'm glad you're going for it. A short story - my husband and I opened a deli 8 years ago, now I'm running it alone. But for the past 8 years as well, I've been a correspondent for the Virginian Pilot - doing food stories. When Joe got sick, I thought I would never be able to write again. But for a hiatus of a couple of weeks, the words have flowed. It's a way to talk about my past, tell my story, open my heart to my readers. Do you know what I mean? What you're doing, and I'm doing, is a kind of escape, but a really good one. Let us know how it goes - I'll be crossing my fingers for you! Peace, Marsha

kathy - sorry I'm so late answering, but going through older posts, I just had to respond to yours. What a wonderful, beautiful letter. My Joe, too, was very private, and we kept his illness (illness, hell, it was cancer!) pretty secret the first couple of months. I don't think Bob would have been upset with you, at all. Your husband is alive through your children, for sure, and I'm sure you feel his presence, even just a little bit. And it's so strange you say that, about making amends. That last weekend, I called his son in California, knowing Joe was dying (Joe would not call --"what would I say?" he said) - his son and his daughter hadn't seen Joe for 20 years - so stubborn on both sides, and so sad. But they came out and we were with him when he died. Thank G-d! for them, and for me, and for Joe. My Joe went from healthy to dead in 4 months. At the end, no one would have recognized him, but to me, he was still my beautiful husband. So I know what you're saying. I'm glad I had the 24 years. Oh, Kathy, how wonderful a tribute! marsha

rosemary - today is 4 months for me. i'm trying not to think about the holidays too much; I find anticipating sometimes makes me crazier than I already am. Thanksgiving for us was usually just the two of us - we would cook the turkey, then Joe would drive me crazy by picking at the damn thing while it was cooling! If my niece comes down from PA, we'll cook together. If not, I'm still going to cook. Why? I love turkey, and I still need to eat! I'm going to be off, too, for the month of January, and I have plans to paint my kitchen and bathroom. Not saying I'm going to do it, mind you, but at least I have plans. Rosemary, so many things are triggers, and so many unavoidable. I say just do exactly what YOU want to, as little or much as it is. I just hope I can follow my own advice! Keep posting, Marsha

I think about this sometimes - what if it were me that died, and my husband still here? Knowing Joe, he'd probably be doing the same thing as me. Going in to make the bagels, working the shop, then coming home to the computer (he was the geek, not me), drinking a beer, and going to sleep. He always told me I was his "last wife" - (he was married at 19, had another relationship for 10 years), and that he would become a hermit if I went first. It's hard incorporating 2 into 1 - I mean the strength and knowledge of both, and now dealing with everything with one's own knowledge, plus what i've gleaned from 23 years of marriage. Does anyone remember Spock doing a mind meld from the original Star Trek? That's kind of like what I feel like. I know I'm capable, but sometimes I get scared that I'm going to screw up; that I've got to make really good decisions, financially, in particular. I've always been very good at making myself crazy, but now I don't have Joe to balance me. I'm trying, though!! Marsha

Rosemary - I've wondered that, too. I find that I avoid the places, and things, that remind me of Joe in a painful way -the grocery store, for intstance. During the last three months, all he wanted was puddings, and frozen pot pies, and I'd be there 3 or 4 times a week. Let me tell you, when I do go grocery shopping now I push my cart so fast by those aisles your head would spin. Music? It's basically sitting outside my back deck, cranking up Jimi Hendrix (I don't know why - may favorite since I was 15) and having a meltdown - my neighbors hate me. Reading? Haven't read a book all the way through in 7 months - and I could read a book in one sitting. On the computer? About 5 times as much as I would have been, but it's what I need right now. All I can say is I truly wish I knew how to knit! Marsha