marsha

Chai - I agree with Kath - I've had people who were really just those I barely knew, come up to me and share their stories, about their loved ones' death and how they feel. I call them my human angels - because once we talk, it's like all the regular human crap falls by the wayside. And it's not just a widow, like I am - it's people who've lost their parent, their child - they share their experience. And I'm awed and grateful. You'll find this when you least expect it - you'll be open to it, Chai, especially now . We're all human, and although our experiences are different, we share the common thread of grief. It's weird how and when it happens - that connection. I stopped in the 7-11 today, and one of the ladies there asked me how I was doing, we talked, and she said (and she's only 30) that she was the only one left of her immediate family - parents, siblings, all died early. We talked for quite a while - she was one of those human angels - connecting with someone who has been through death and trauma, and still reaches out to connect with me. Some of those angels are right here - Peace, Marsha

I'm in a bit of a funk. Settled Joe's estate today - it was pretty basic, nothing extraordinary. Except for the fact that when I got home, it hit me that I just signed off on effectively erasing his presence from the world. Not in my mind or heart, of course, nor his friends and family. It just hit me how we spend years on building up our lives, then it's just gone - just a bunch of paperwork. I totally didn't think this would hit me this hard. It's just that, sometimes it all seems so pointless! OK, I'm going to bed soon, hopefully tomorrow I'm going to wake up in a different frame of mind. It's just that sometimes, the trying so hard to be positive, to move forward - I just stop, and I'm so emotionally tired. Do you know what I mean? OK, Marsha, off to bed - Love to all, Marsha

I'm with you, Mary Linda - I know this is a day you take deep into yourself, with all the pain and love it entails. But, you are in my thoughts and prayers, my friend - Love, Marsha

You have my prayers, big time, Kim - Love, Marsha

I think I'm hijacking my own thread here, but I have to reply to Ann's post in Loss of a Love Relationship. Ann, you absolutely blew me away! When I closed my deli for the month of January, I looked at this time as a time to really reflect and think - and grieve. What was real, and what wasn't. What was my true grief, and what was worry about myself. What was controllable, and what wasn't. And - what was the circle of life, love and death. All very heavy, right? I sound like some New Age guru. I would find myself writing in my journal how angry, guilty, grief stricken I was. And yes, I'm all that. But I kept thinking, and writing through these emotions - going beneath what I was saying, and actually listening to myself. I stopped running away from them, and sat and wrote until I could get a glimmer of what I was really thinking. I still feel all these things, yet - I know there's more. Why does it take something like the sickness and death of a loved one for these hidden emotions to come out and to face them? But right now, while I'm dancing atop the abyss, it feels like I've never gotten to know myself so well as I'm trying to do now. I do know I end every conversation with good friends and family with "I love you". And so it goes on..and that's how I'm feeling today. Thank you, Ann! Love, Marsha

Thanks, guys - I actually am riding it out to the point that I am becoming one with my recliner. You want to hear something funny? I hauled out old, old journals from the first year we were married, and after reading them, I can't believe joe put up with me! Then I read his old journals, too. It let me look at, and acknowledge the struggle of our marriage - hard times and very good times. I think I"M going to become a therapist after all this introspection. I know the wall will come again, but for today - I have a reprieve. You all are great! Marsha

leegrl- someone sent me this - "start by doing what is necessary, then do what is possible, and some day soon you will be doing what you thought was impossible." Just take baby steps - getting up and showering is a baby step, coming onto this forum is a giant baby step - it's ok to take the time to just be and process. We're with you here - Marsha

Thank you ALL for your openness to this thought provoking question of Kath's. I don't have much to add except that I see a little of myself in each one of you. Fred, you are so right on - some of these these are unanswerable questions, but to probe them within ourselves, I believe is necessary to bring us from point A to point B. The letting go of those questions is difficult, to say the least. Dusky, I so appreciated it when you said that the lessons we learn aren't always immediately recognizable. To know that i've gained this knowledge, eventually, I hope helps me to see more clearly the line between love, life, and death - and I hope it's something I can carry with me, and make me a better person, the rest of my life. From Martha Hickman - "I believe in the top of the mountain even when I can't see it." Peace, Marsha

Not literally, although sometimes I could use a good punching bag in my living room. Seven months, and the newest feelings I have are "don't wanna do anything." I mean, the last couple of days I've spent watching tv. Totally without motivation, totally feeling at the bottom of the pit, any light up there? Because I can't see it! Maybe I'm not letting out my feelings enough to friends and family, I don't know. I'm not one for spilling my guts to people, I'm just wanting them not to feel bad (oh, to be a woman!) This is not a good feeling. I do re-open the deli on Thursday, maybe the routine will help. I do know I'm really feeling bad because this is yet one more thing Joe and I would have been doing together. I just literally don't know where my head is at. It just seems like when I get a glimmer of hope, I'm blindsided. AAARGGHH!! Marsha

Vent away, Kathy - I find screaming helps - good thing no one lives next door! It will change - and it will pass - Love, Marsha

Deb and Mel - you're both in a place where I've been, and I'm sure I will be again. When I went to my therapist yesterday, I was talking about these same feelings - what could I have done differently - did I do enough - I'm feeling guilty for being here. He said "Marsha, not to be harsh, but you didn't get away with anything. You - and I - and all of us, will die, will face that same thing". So superwoman here starting laughing. We can't control the time or the way of when our times come. Deb - Being left behind to deal with the b---it sucks, cut and dry. It's a constant, minute to minute, hour to hour struggle. Sometimes when I look at Joe's picture next to the computer, I literally can't believe it. But I know, too, that Joe also had control over his own life. By that I mean, no matter what I did, or felt, or prayed - he chose to live those last few months the way he wanted to. As close as we were, he was his own person, and did what he wanted. There was nothing I could do to save him. And, as much as you did, as much as you loved him, as much as you prayed, there was nothing you could do, either. I'm sorry if I sound harsh - I so care for you. Please email me at marjoe@charter.com anytime - I'm here for you. Peace and Hugs, Marsha

Jeanne and Mike - Add me to the same time line. February will mark the beginning of my year of hell - the start of Joe's diagnosis. Our brains are like little computers, aren't they - not letting our hearts forget those sad dates. I just thank G-d he's not suffering anymore. Love to you both, Marsha

Thank you, Mike - Rosemary, I'm thinking of you as well. I hope and pray for a measure of inner peace and strength for you today, and I have no doubt Lou is with you. Here's a big cyber hug from me, as well, my friend. Love, Marsha

Thank you, Dusky, if there's anyone I'd be honored to be crazy with, it's you! Mike, I don't know if I'm just projecting or what, but I've had dreams - just a few, but very vivid. The main one - that he was in a different place surrounded with people who loved him. In the dream I was kind of removed - like I ddn't quite belong "there". I hugged him, yet sensed that he was healthy, happy, and doing his thing, wherever and whatever that was. I've "felt" things; I've seen beautiful things in nature - one day I was really down, I walked to the beach. As I crested the dune, the first thing I saw was 2 dolphins leaping out of the ocean in tandem. Maybe it was just 2 dolphins playing, maybe it was what I needed to see. All I know is i felt Joe's spirit leave him when he died; I was holding on so tightly - maybe some of his spirit came into me. I guess there are no answers - and I'm not asking the questions. I guess I'm answering my own post as I type this - that being I'm still going to talk to him. Oh, boy, is this hard, or what?? Marsha

Know that you have friends here, Temmie - we're all in this together, and we all lift each other up when we need it the most - OK? Hugs, Marsha

So I'm sitting here, doing the end of year payroll taxes for the business. I turn to Joe's picture right next to the computer, and I'm discussing what I've done, etc. Then I catch myself. I'm talking to my dead husband. Am I nuts? I really don't think I'm in denial, I know he's dead, but it gives me comfort to talk to him. But is there anybody there??? Am I just deluding myself? Is this unhealthy? It just caught me today - and any feedback would be so appreciated! Marsha

Rosemary - please don't be sorry for voicing what you feel so deeply. Your one year anniversary is a huge and painful step. Not that I know what the hell I'm talking about, i'm only at 6 and a half months!! I sometimes hesitate to post, because i just can't get around this ball of emotions. Rosemary - i'm wishing you a day of peace and memories that are soothing rather than ones of anguish. I'm hoping that your Lou will be there, with you, to give you hope and love. I'm thinking of you, friend - Marsha

Temmie - I've been reading your posts - sorry I haven't posted prior, but I wasn't sure what to say. I don't want to be one of these people who give advice without ever having been through the situation, so what I say is just for concern for you. When my parents died (within 3 years of each other), it was just my brother and me. He lived very close to my parents, and really stepped up to the plate. We were in agreement of everything, and got close because of it. However, when my grandfather died, he left the house to my mother, and her brother never spoke to her again. A sad, and horrible thing for my mother - she rarely spoke of it. You need to pick your battles - right now, it's your survival. Your job is your survival. Your sister is bringing you down big time, and this you don't need. If her big thing is "stuff", she has no idea what life really means. OK, I live in hurricane central - every year I have a box of stuff, one box, that I would take with me if I had to leave and come back to find nothing. Although there are many memories, attached to many things, essentially it's just stuff. Everything else would be in my heart, and head. You don't need this from your sister. You are the most important thing right now - you'll want to look after yourself, be gentle on yourself. The school year will end, and you'll have some time to be with yourself and take a deep breath-- and then go on. Please know that I'm thinking of you - and please feel free to contact me if you wish - take care, Marsha

Teny - no, you're not losing your mind!! It's funny, it's only now that I realize what my mother went through, and my grandfather, losing the loves of their lives. My mother died 8 years ago - I don't know that I ever properly grieved, as we opened our business 2 months later. Now it comes back to me with a vengeance. Now I'm having a glimmer of understanding, and now I miss my loved ones who are gone, more than ever. I also talk to them. I ask for understanding, guidance and I tell them how much I love them. I do believe in my heart that our loved ones are still there, somewhere - and I also look within myself to what they taught me. I carry them - all of them - in my heart. I'm wishing you peace today, Teny - Marsha

Bdzack & Brenda- I'm so sorry for the loss of your love; but I'm glad you both found this site. I was not quite 3 months out when I found this wonderful forum (I'm at 6 1/2 now). After Joe died, I had stacks of books on grieving - I honestly didn't know what to say, what to do, how to feel. I started journaling, then I started seeing a therapist - both have been very helpful. But coming here, where feelings and fears are put out there with no reservations - that's what helped me realize i'm not going crazy. As far as getting things done? I'm running our business alone now. I do what needs to be done; sometimes I can do more, sometimes I let things slide a little bit. I know it's a cliche, but I'm trying not to sweat the small stuff. After watching my husband die in my arms, it's pretty much all small stuff. Not to say I don't get anxious, scared, incredibly sorrowful, and all the rest of those wonderful emotions (!) - I just try to put everything in some kind of perspective. Try being the key word here! I almost had a meltdown in the grocery store the first time I realized I didn't have to get the 12 pack of toilet paper. Thank you for sharing your stories, and a little about your lives - keep posting! Peace, Marsha

Kay - you're walking through your own personal minefield, and someone wants to tell you how to do it?? I wish to G-d I had legal experience to help you, or something that could make a difference in the practical issues you are dealing with on a day-to-day basis. I'm so sorry you have to deal with DGI's - I still don't understand why people think they need to give you advice that's unasked for and unwanted. I am pulling for you 110% - your compassion, love, willingness to share - all these and more I so appreciate. By saying the following, I'm not denying your grief or anguish - but you have an inner strength that comes out loud and clear. You will go through this process, and you have friends who love you and are here to hold you up when you need it. Whenever you need it! Love, Marsha

Wendy - I read your post and i hear you - my anniversary was jan 1, and joe's b/day the 3rd. whoa, doggy, big time meltdown! steve is with you, in your heart and mind and soul - i know how freaking hard this is for you, and my thoughts are with you - be gentle on yourself, love. Marsha

Kath - I understand what you're saying. I watched the inauguration, and burst into tears before it barely got started. I have no idea where it came from, but part of it was seeing history, and Joe not being there to see it as well. It's the world continuing on, as it always does, and we're on it. It's like we have no choice but to keep going, but to me there's a part that feels like the further I go, the further back is the reality of my marriage. Meaning that what I have in my heart is what's left. Plus that I have no choice in the matter - I can't make the world stop, I know I have to move forward, I'm doing so, yet it's sometimes so painful emotionally. As I grow, how different would I have been growing with Joe, or growing alone now? I guess I'm adding my random thoughts to yours, Kath - Marsha

I've had friends who have planted a rose bush or a tree, with their loved ones' ashes sprinkled in the ground before planting. I also have a widowed friend who had some of the ashes placed in a small locket that she wears around her neck. Just a couple of suggestions. Can you just approach your family gently and feel them out about this? Marsha

Shelley - I think a step in the grieving process is listening to your heart. I can only tell you what I did. At Joe's memorial service, I took only a portion of his ashes to spread in the ocean - but the rest are in an urn on my mantle. I also gave some of his ashes in a small container for his kids to take back to California. I think he would have gotten a kick out of the idea that he's now part of both oceans! If you do scatter your parents' ashes, it's not just throwing them away into the wind. It's returning them back to the earth. Whatever you decide to do with their earthly remains, it doesn't change that they are in your mind and heart forever. Hugs, Marsha