shubom

It's been 5 months since my mom passed. It's been an emotional rollercoaster and I'm trying to learn how to better balance myself. Lately, I've noticed that when people ask me how I'm doing, I always say I'm doing fine. And I don't cry as much anymore. Because of this, sometimes I think I'm ok. But there are times when I've noticed that after they ask, they stick around for a few minutes talking, and that's when I can't handle it anymore and the tears well up. I guess what I'm saying is, it feels like I put on a fake mask that only lasts for 1-2 minutes. Anytime after that, the mask starts to melt away, and the tears pour out. So am I being fake to my emotions? Am I dealing with my grief correctly? What am I feeling ! I can't pinpoint it. Why is it so complicated !

Thanks for all your responses. They bring tears to my eyes. Picnics.....dads BBQing on the grill.....golfing......new marriage......mom's garden......flowers....the smells..... I can relate to all of it. Just being together with my mama is what I miss the most. I don't think I can stand any more holidays without her. I cry everyday when I look at her rose garden. They have grown so much and are so beautiful. I remember her pointing to them and telling everyone to look because they are so beautiful. They were iddy bitty things back then, and now 5 months later, they are tall and beautiful. This morning as I left the house, I had to stop and smell them.....I wish she was here now to see them......it's truly amazing....... I miss her so much.

Today was a hard day for me. I didn't think it would be, because my mom and I didn't really celebrate Memorial Day..... at least that's what I thought. I didn't realize that after my dad passed, we'd go to his gravesite and put flowers for him. And sometimes we'd make a small dish of BBQ for us. It didn't occured to me until I saw family and friends visiting others in the neighborhood. And could smell the BBQ. Then it hit me hard. My mom is really not here and we can never do those things again. It just hurt so bad, I couldn't stop crying. I spent the whole day home. I feel like no one understands. I miss her ! Did anyone else feel that way?

I have to agree with Paul. I'm single also, and if I had someone willing to help me go through this grief, I would have jumped at the chance. But unfortunately no one was there. I lost my mom, at 56, in Jan of this year of unknown causes. And I lost my dad 6 years ago. I'm completely shocked, taking everyday as slow as I can. What I can say is that different people grieve differently. When I lost my dad 6 years ago, I was only 23, so none of my friends understood. I learned to grieve that way, by closing myself off from the rest of the world, and only communicating with people who've experienced a similar thing. To me, they were the only people who understood exactly what I was feeling. I have to also say that a lot of my friends turned their back on me, so that contributed to the way I grieved. I carried this, and after losing my mom, I did the same. It was unexpected and hard, and I shut down and didn't talk to anyone for at least 2 months. I mostly posted on grief forums and went to so many grief counselors my head is still spinning. Grieving was something I had to do on my own. By myself. I wanted to be alone...time to think...away from the world. It took a long time for me to relax and be ok in life again. My younger sibling is another story. She has a boyfriend. and she communicated with all her friends, and went out and hung out. I couldn't understand it. She felt bad, but talking to people helped her grieve, even though those people didn't talk about the loss. Just their company and their liveliness helped her. What I'm trying to say is that different people grieve differently. The way your friend is grieving is the way he knows how. Just give him time, and eventually he will come out of it, and seek you out. It takes time. No matter how you look at it, grieving is a solo thing. Don't take it personally. I hope that helped. I hope your friend is doing better. I can feel the hurt.

Mother’s Day was really hard. At first I was ok. I had nice dreams about my mom the night before, so it made me feel ok. Then I went to Church and that was helpful too. I took some flowers to her gravesite. I bought her a balloon and a windmill. On my way home I decided to make my favorite dish that she’d always cook for me. I’ve never cooked it before, but I’d always watch and help her. I went to the store and got all the ingredients and then went home to make it. I got everything just right, except for the rice. Ugh…..my happiness/eagerness turned drastically into sadness, as I got so depressed. The first batch was too hard, and when I added water, it got too soft! The second batch was burnt. I started crying, I just wanted to give up ! I tried so hard to remember how she taught me to cook it. I then calmed down enough to hear her voice guiding me, and then finally it came out right ! It tasted like hers and I just cried. I felt the impact of my mom not being there, and I couldn’t get out of it. I was dragging all day, and later that evening, we took my aunt and grandmother out for Mother’s Day. The whole time, I just had this smirk on my face. I was really snappy, and was ANGRY at the WORLD !!! Why did my mom have to die ! I felt like a black hole sucking in all the positive energy in the restaurant and throwing out negative energy (like LEAVE ME ALONE). I wanted to just run and hide! I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier and I finally told myself this has to STOP ! I told myself that my aunt and grandmother have been helpful towards me, and that the WORLD or them had nothing to do with her death. And that I needed to be thankful that at least I have them to take out to dinner for Mother’s Day. Instead of dealing with it alone. It was hard and I struggled, but finally I was able to lighten up and come to a neutral state, where I could at least laugh and smile. It was hard ! I miss my mom soooooo much !!!

Thanks everyone for your responses. I'm actually at my house right now. One day, I got so overwhelmed with emotions, and just NEEDED to go home and recuperate. I wanted to feel sorta safe and comfortable again. I spent a few hours the first day, and then the next time, a few more hours. I'm trying to build up everyday. Of course I haven't told my aunt or other family members what I've been doing, because of what they'd might say. I really don't want to hear it. You know?! I just want to prepare myself for the day they decide to STOMP on me. I'm hoping by that time, I'll be able to stand on my own 2 feet emotionally. My cousin doesn't live at her mom's house (my aunt). However her kids do. My aunt adopted her grandkids because my cousin wouldn't take care of them. So I agree with Paul saying, "..... Consider the source". I do think she's jealous of the fact that me and her mom get along well. It just erks me ! Because at least she still has a chance to make things good with her mom ! Ugh ! Shell, I agree with you about rearranging the house. The more I come home, the more comfortable I'm starting to feel. I'm starting to move things around, and water my mom's plants. It's so sad. I miss her so much. Thanks everyone for your advice. I really appreciate it. IT's been a rough week for me. Especially with it being close to Mother's Day.

I couldn’t believe what happened this morning. I’ve been staying with my aunt, since I lost my mom. My aunt’s daughter, my cousin, has been acting funny towards me lately. Partly because her mom and I get along really well, whereas they always argue and fight. I don't know. But this morning when I got up, I was talking to my aunt about mirrors. Well my cousin decided to make a comment suggesting that I should look in a mirror. At first, I thought she was joking, but then she proceeded to say something about my hair and my clothes, and a makeover or something. It was horrible. I finally said, “Look...do you not realize that my outward appearance reflects what I'm feeling on the inside? I just lost my mom, I’m sad and depressed, and I don’t feel like playing doll.” But of course, she just blew it off and continued to talk. I wanted to scream out, Of course I know I’m not dress to impress! But that’s my choice and I just don’t feel like it! I just can’t believe how people can be so shallow. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like I was in grade school trying to fit in again! I feel like my mom was the only one who accepted me the way I was. Loved me unconditionally. And now that she's gone, I feel alone, like no one understands. So Now what?! Where do I go from here? If no one accepts me for who I am. How will I be in this world? Do I have to change my outward appearance, so my (shallow) relatives will accept me? I had a nice, peaceful home, where I could be who I was. And now.... I don’t!

Paul, thanks for the advice about the house It's the same thing my sister thinks we should do. Wait for a year, and then decide. Which is different from how I felt at first. When my mom first died, I went straight home, got boxes and started throwing away everything in my room. I tore down all my posters...pictures I drew, got rid of all my trinklets, even threw a lot of clothes away. I just hated myself and didn't want anything that reminded me of my past life. I wanted to erase my identity. Eventually I got so tired, and fell to the floor crying. I was a basketcase for a few days after that, so I wasn't able to finish tearing up my room. The funny thing is, when I look at my room now, 5 months later, it's still empty and looks as if I was moving out. And you know what, I miss my old room. I don't know. Grief makes you do the most craziest things ! Congratulations on being sober for almost 5 years ! That's really good ! Good Luck on getting the job. And I know what you mean about willing to relocate. I think about that alot. Sometimes I just want to pack and go and move somewhere. But where?! I don't know. When my father first died a few years back, I wanted to leave this place, but my mom wouldn't. And now that she's gone, now I don't want to leave. I don't understand why? Maybe I'm more afraid now that I was before....I don't know....ugh ! It drives me crazy.

wow, what was in the air this morning ! Paul, you pretty much hit what I was feeling right on the dot ! and so did Maylissa in another post ! I'm sorry Paul about your mom and dad. I'm doing the same thing also by including them both. I miss them both ! Like you, I feel like I don't have a home either. Sure I stay with my aunt, but it's not the same. Sometimes I often dream of going home. How comfortable I would feel and the familiarity. And then BAM ! It comes with a rude awakening that my mother is GONE! She's not there and so I don't want to go back. Sometimes I go around wishing and hoping I would leave this place at night when I sleep. But nah of course I find myself in reality every morning. I've been thinking of a Will too. The one thing my sister and I have is the house. It was bought with my dad's Insurance money, and now maybe paid off with my mother's insurance money. My dad always wanted a big house. Too bad he didn't live to see it. My mother loved the house, but she left too soon to enjoy it. I remembered when I was young, my parents always told me that no matter where I went in life, to know that I always had a home, a place to go back too. They cared so much and wanted us to feel safe. But now I don't even know where home is? It's not that 2-story building of emptiness. It's with them and I can't go! I have no home. I often think about who we'd will the house too if something happened to both of us. We are both single, no kids. We have no one. I'm so lost. Sometimes I also want to take that long drive to nowhere, where's it peaceful and quiet. I've also stopped communicating with a lot of my friends. They are not supportive, and often times just add to my grief. I need some time alone just recuperate from the sadness... I miss my mom and dad so much !

Today I just woke up so sad.....it's been about 4 months since my mom died. I've been ok for the last several weeks, but this past week I've been so down....sometimes I just can't understand why I wake up to face this horrible reality. Everyday I get up...and there I go ...out the door...to live my life. But what life? What does it mean? I'm so exhausted. No one understands me, and it frustrates me that I can't find anything in this world to hold on to and make me feel safe. Friends are not supportive. I often think about making new friends, but don't feel up to it. I just want to be alone, and I close myself off. I try to keep a busy schedule and think of things to do, but eventually.....I still feel the hurt... The hurt that's deep down to the core of my soul...and has no cure.... I'm so sad Yesterday I went to a restaurant after class by myself. I tried to ignore the very fact that I blurted out, "table for 1 please". I just wanted to eat in peace and quiet, but looking around at all the families and friends and people enjoying each other and having a good time just brought me down. I started crying but had to catch myself so nobody would see. I miss my mommy...I just want her back...

If only she could have lived one more day.....I miss her so much.... I also listened to my dad's snoring every night to make sure he was ok. Sometimes his snoring would scare me because it would be so loud. And then I would watch my mom's chest to see if she was breathing because she didn't snore. I'd get on this worry kick and would check on her everyday before I went to work. I would also check her answering machine just to make sure she didn't get into any car accidents or she was hurt, or whatver. I worried worried worried and I was ok with it, because it was my mom and nothing meant more to me in this world but her. I alreay lost my dad, and she's all I had left. And now she's gone. I have no one too look after, and I don't think I even want to anymore. My aunt has carpul tunnel and is going in for surgery on Monday. I'm staying with her, and I told her that I'd be able to help her if needed. But I'm having second thoughts. I'm scared of taking on that caring role, and having something happen to them ! I don't think I can bear it. On another note, I'm doing ok, just busy with work. Trying to take each day slowly. Thanks for checking up on me. At least I know someone out there cares.......

I just found out the cause of my mother’s death. In Jan she went to sleep and never woke up. We found out that she died of natural causes, the papers mentioned something such as vascular disease and maybe her heart. But nothing major contributed to it. She just died. She was only 56 yrs old and I miss her so much. When I first heard the news, I felt a sense of relief that I finally knew what caused her death. I felt like I can now close that chapter in my life, and move on. And also I felt that no matter what, I couldn’t have done nothing to help her. She died quickly. But then a few moments later, I became extremely sad. It’s like I lost her all over again! And I REALLY couldn’t do anything to help her ! She’s really gone! I feel so hurt right now, I can’t even think straight. Last night I had a dream, and when I woke up, I turned over and said “I miss my mom”, and then started to cry. But then, my aunt who’s sleeping on the other side of the room heard me and said, “I know sweetie, we miss her too.” I was shocked someone said something, and sat up?! And that moment, I realized what I said, and was shocked that I said it out loud. I stopped crying because someone was listening me. Sometimes I try not to reveal my feelings to people, because they have a tendency to step on them or use it against me or they just really don't care as much as I do. But I’m glad my aunt didn’t think it was weird what I said. But then I spend all night trying to figure out what I dreamed about to make me blurt my deepest emotion and hurt out loud ! Gosh I miss her so much……I can’t stop crying…….

I always worried about my parents. When I was younger, say 2 or 3, my parents had a hard time making me sleep in my own room. I would get up in the middle of the night and stand in the doorway staring at them. This freaked my mom and dad out because it happened often. Sometimes I think back on that and wonder what in the world was I doing?! LOL It's funny, but then it's also sad. Because they are no longer here for me to check up on. My dad went into the hospital for a minor heart attack and was gone within the next few days. Six years later, my mother dies her sleep, causes unknown. It breaks my heart ! I miss them so much. After my dad died, I worried about my mother like crazy. I took her for medical checkups, etc. I worried when she went out driving, I worried about what she ate, if she was taking her meds. I worried all the time about everything. Sometimes I think I worried too much. But now she's gone, and I'm speechless. I have no mom to call and check up on. Sometimes all I can think about is being that little girl who was standing in the doorway watching her parents sleep. What was going on in her mind.....?

Thank you shell and Paul for your words of encouragement. I agree that it was a small step, but a good move to go home. I miss home you know? I miss having a place to go to, and being able to relax. These past few months, I've been staying with my aunt, and it's not the same. I leave early in the morning and don't really go back till 9pm at night. So I spend all day trying to keep busy or twirling around in my grief. I'm just so tired. And little everyday issues get to me. It's like I try to separate the small issues from grief. But I can't! Everything seems connected. I even try to catch and calm myself before reacting, but the more I sit there and think of how to solve the small issue, the grief jumps in and it's just too much for me to bear. So while I'm trying to stop the pain, the obsession, the madness, I reall can't ! I can't control the grief.... I went home yesterday, but I didn't tell any of my relatives. It was something I had to do for myself. I had to go through it alone. It was hard at first. I cried all the way there, and as I got closer, I started having doubts. But I went anyways. The house was very empty, but I was ok. I didn't feel strange until it got dark. That's when I thought I heard strange noises, etc. But that is where it hurts the most. My mom and I were so alike. We both were chicken to stay in the house alone at night, especially if one of us wasn't there. We'd always laugh and joke about it, but we were serious. LOL So staying there alone now without her, and knowing she'll never come home, is really hard. I can't just call her and ask her what time she'll be back. She's never coming back ! It's hard, but I'm glad I took that major step. Hopefully one day, I'll be able to stay there over night. Paul, my mom did the same for us. She bought all the household items. She had a good stock of everything. But now the supplies are running out, I have to go and get them. Over the weekend, I had a hard time finding some of the items. I wanted to get everything exactly like she got it, but I couldn't find the exact items she bought. I couldn't think straight, and the grief hit me hard. IT's like she had a role in our household, and now she's gone ! It's devastating. Shell, I constantly try to imagine my mom around, but it's really hard. I think I felt her presence in the house, but as soon as it got dark, I had to leave. As I closed the door, I kept picturing her on the stairway looking at me leaving her. But I just had to go. I miss her so much. I miss how I can't do anything for her anymore, so I don't know if she's doing ok. You know? I was always so worried about her, and now that part of me is gone. I feel like my mom has changed forms, and because I can't see her, then maybe I'm rejecting her, and maybe she's hurt? I don't know. THis grief is overwhelming. Thanks for listening

Today was horrible. Just like that horrible day at work.....with my boss chewing me out over my work hours. I guess I hadn't really got over that and have been on pins and needles ever since. Well today, I took off early from work, because my car needed an oil change/tune-up. I usually go to this mechanic, but lately he's been jerking me around on dates and times. Finally we settled with an appropriate time, and I showed up. After waiting for 20 minutes, I found out he has someone before me, and after that they are taking lunch. So they will need my car for 3-4 hours! I couldn't believe it...For an oil change?! I was so annoyed that I took off work early for nothing ! I wanted to say something not so nice to him, but I didn't. By that time, my head was spinning like crazy, the grief was taking over, and I was trying hard to think of another mechanic I could go too. I couldn't take it, and I just broke down. I cried and cried for my dad. I tried remembering back 6 years ago when he showed me how to put oil in my first car he bought me. I tried to remember which mechanics we went too, and I just couldn't. It all became a blur, then I tried to remember my mom and how I'd be able to call her for help, if only she was there ! The grief was overwhelming that I just got into my car and drove home. This is the first time I've been home by myself since I found my mom on the living room couch. I'm here now and I'm just so sad. This house feels so empty without her. I miss her so much.....why did she have to leave me?! I wish I could just feel normal again.....but I know that won't ever happen....

Hi Shell, Thanks for the words of encouragment. Yes, I also feel like grief is a solitary process. My friends, relatives, co-workers, everyone around me tend to forget I'm grieving! I really have no one to talk to, except for these boards. I'm a little confused in this whole grief and dying process. Even when these people have lost loved ones in the past, they tend to forget how it felt and they separate themselves from YOUR situation. They pretend it didn't happened, which makes you feel like you are the ONLY who is going through it or has ever went through it. There's only a select few in hundreds that shares their experiences. I hate that about our society ! And I'm not going to be one of those people. If and whenever my friends or anyone needs help going through a tough situation like this, I will sure be there to help them. I will be there to listen and understand !

Paul, Thanks for the advice. I can see what your saying about maybe coming in at my regular scheduled time even though I've been doing this particular time for a while now. It's just been so difficult these past few months. I use to come in work at 6am, because I'd get off at 2:30pm, and could go home and hang out with my mom before I had school that night. I loved that schedule. But then she died, and everything changed. I got up later and later for work. Some days I didn't want to get up at all. But finally I fell into a schedule of 8am, which seemed fine with everyone else, until today. So I have 2 choices. Either pick a set time and have it approved, or come in at my regularly scheduled time. I think I'm feeling up to it these days, so I will try my best to come in my regular time. Thanks for your advice and understanding. Yes, work and grieving doesn't mix well. I know what you mean about being in a trance and not getting anything done. The first few weeks were like that for me, where I would suddenly smack in the middle of the day felt horrible, and would take sick leave. I do care about my job a lot, and I don't want it to be another 'pain in the butt' to deal with. I'm already dealing with the grief, and that's enough.

I got into work today at 8am. I found out my boss was looking for me. I went to his office and when he saw me, he asked me where I was? I told him that I just got into work, etc. Then he started telling me that there was no flex schedule, and I just can't come in when I want. I told him that I had been coming in this same time everyday since my mom passed away in Jan and it wasn't a problem before. Next thing I know, he said OH, and just gave me this weird stare like I was using my mom's death as an excuse or something. I couldn't believe it, and at that moment I felt so stupid and helpless and wanted to cry. I kept a straight face long enough for me to leave his office. But then I got so angry, and went to the bathroom and started screaming and crying and hitting things. The hurt I felt for my mom, just rushed up quickly, I had not control. I'm still crying now. It's hard for me to keep a straight face. I miss her so much ! It's like he had no sympathy for how I was feeling. Am I'm just suppose to get over it since it's been 3 months?! I don't know ! It was a horrible horrible morning. I have a few co-workers who understand, so I'm glad they were there to help calm me down.

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father 6 years ago. He was 47 and died of a heart attack. We were all devestated, and my mom took it hard. I worried about her and took care of her best I could, like my father would have wanted. But she died in her sleep in Jan of this year, at 56, of unknown causes. And I had to come home and find her. So you see, no matter what I did, she still slipped past me. I'm so sad. Words can't express the sadness I feel for the loss of both parents. I'm not even 30 yet. And I need them ! The pain doesn't go away. It does gets easier to bear, but I think only because I do things to keep busy so I won't think about it. I stay with relatives because I can't bear going to an empty house. I try to cover the hurt, but it doesn't go away. No one understands. I spent the weekend, with my ex-boyfriend. We went site-seeing and had a good time. I was laughing and joking, then all of a sudden, a memory of my parents hit ! Then I switched subjects and blurted out, LIFE REALLY SUCKS. He was shocked at my sudden change in emotion. Then he had the nerve to ask me what could be so bad with my life? Since I have a great job, a nice house, nice car, etc. I wanted to blurt out YOU IDIOT my PARENTS JUST DIED ... HELLO !!! The house you see was bought with my father's insurance money ! And now my mom is gone, and I'm left with this huge house mortgage! I wanted to scream that out, but I didn't. What good would it do, if he hasn't lost anyone and doesn't know what I'm talking about? I wish I could find someone who could understand my pain. But apparently no one understands what YOU are going through, but YOU. So yes, it does get easier so you can function, but the pain doesn't go away. You could be fine one minute and the next minute not so good.

Jen, Sorry for the lost of your mom. I can totally relate. I lost my dad when I was 23 yrs, of a heart attack, and 6 years later in January of this year, I lost my mom in her sleep. I'm so sad and confused?! This world is no fun anymore. I'm single, with no kids. I have a sister, who I'm close to, but she has a life with her boyfriend. After my dad died, I had to grow up quick. I feared losing my mom. She was sad all the time and I wanted to help her. It made me realize that family was important, and I made it my life's goal to take care of her as best I could. She became my best friend and we did everything together. People use to tell me all the time that someday I'll get married and leave my mom. It would piss me off ! I would never have left her! She was the most important person in my life. And now that she's gone, I don't know what to do. I feel so sad that you feel like a burden to your sister's husband. You and your sisters have to stick together. And I hope her husband understands that. Yes, the world is scary without my parents. After my dad died, it took about 3 years before I could talk about him without crying. But the loss of my mom .....after all the effort and love I gave to her.......after the hopes and dreams of seeing her with grandchildren.......my best friend......my last parent......ya, words can't express the pain I feel.....losing my mommy.

I've been to a few spiritualism seminars and have met good spiritualists. I've really gotten interested in the subject and have thought about joining a spiritualist group myself. But I haven't actually had one-on-one contact with any of them outside of a group/seminar setting. For me, I'm searching for the right one whom I feel comfortable with, etc. I find seminars are a great opportunity to see their work unfold. Some have been really really impressive. I also agree that word of mouth/referral is a good way too.

Hi Shell, Paul, and Maylissa, Thanks for your advice on hobbies and volunteer work. I guess for me, since I’m always busy on the weekdays, I try to keep my weekends open for spontaneous things. On Fridays, I go to my grandma’s house to visit her. I usually call before I go. But this Friday, like every other Friday, when I called, she wasn’t there. I couldn’t get a hold of her. Next thing I know, I started feeling abandoned and sad, thinking I’m bothering her too much. She’s 76 yrs old, and she can’t worry about me and my insecurities. The more I thought about it, the more sad and depressed I became. I found myself in a stagnant position where I couldn’t leave work, because I felt I had no where to go. All my co-worker’s left, and I ended up staying till 8pm or so! It’s horrible and it happens every Friday. It’s not until she calls, that I start to calm down and feel ok again. I guess that insecurity of someone leaving me…..my dad…..my mom…..my friends….just really gets to me. I had always been an insecure person growing up, but after my dad died, I managed to conquer that fear. I guess now that my mom has died, that insecure scared self is starting resurface again. And I feel like I can’t stop it. Thanks for the advice. I thought about it, and realize that I can change my whole outlook on my weekends, if I just change how I plan my Fridays. That means, I can set aside time to do something I enjoy that requires minimal commitment. So that if something spontaneous does comes up, I can still do it too. The key is to have some sort of plan it seems. Shell It is hard going back home and not seeing my mom there. Today I came home and went upstairs to my room. I caught a glimpse of mom’s bedroom door. IT was closed, and my first thought was, she must be sleep. But then I realized that wasn’t the case, and nearly broke down. I spent the whole morning crying on her bathroom floor. I gues it'll just take time.... Paul I have to really commend you on volunteering at a place for terminally ill people. I definitely couldn’t do that. Hospitals scare me. My biggest sadness comes from seeing people sick and not being able to do anything to make them better. It would depress me and make me question the world even more (even though I do that now). But I see why helping them helps you. Because in the end, we really have no control over anyone’s destiny, we can’t stop the inevitable, but what we can do is be helpful and nice to them as they make their journey. And this in turn can help us accept it. Maylissa I like your suggestions of mediating, becoming more spiritually involved, learning tai chi, etc. It’s so funny because last year or so, I started taking classes on those subjects, such as religion and philosophy. And I absolutely loved it. I stopped after my mom died, but I wouldn’t mind getting back into it again. Thanks for your advice. I’ll start planning my Fridays by picking a hobby or volunteering. Then maybe I can start feeling secure again and rebuilding my foundation. Thanks.

During the week I keep fairly busy with work and school. Days go by fast and it helps keep my mind off the devastating loss of my mother. It's the weekends that I dread. When Friday comes, I get really nervous thinking about how I will spend my weekend. I really don't have much planned. And if I do, it doesn't take up the whole weekend. I miss my home. I haven't been back since I found my mom there. I just can't bear it. I've been staying with an Aunt and it's not the same. I feel like I have no place to go, no home. Friends sometimes invite me to go out, but I just don't feel like it. I don't know what to do.....I dread the weekends..... Does anyone else feel the same? What do you do to fill your weekends.

I'm trying my best to deal with unsupportive friends. I've kept my distance from most of them, which has helped me stay calm. But yesterday, a friend made me so angry, that it was hard to contain myself. My mother died about a few months ago, and one of my childhood friends and his mother have not been supportive. I hadn't really heard from them, except for a phone call a few days ago about borrowing money! Ugh....HELLO.....my mom just died, and you want to borrow money.....but you couldn't come to her wake or funeral or call or stop by to see how I'm holding up. This just upsets me so much. So anyways, I was telling another friend about it, and how I felt, when she had the nerve to defend their actions by saying, I'm sure they didn't mean it and you know how they are, blah blah blah !!! Ugh....how dare she tell me that?! Especially after I sat there and listened to her ramble on and on about her husband's infidelity and the other's woman's myspace account. I don't get it. People do not understand how horrible it feels to lose someone, especially your only mama !!! I miss you mommy !

I'm sorry for the loss of your father. I lost my father 6 years ago, and I lost my mother 3 months ago. I'm still in shock. I'm almost 30 yrs, single and an orphan. I was 23 yrs old when my dad died and for the first 2 years after, I tried my hardest to meet a guy, get married and have kids. I didn't want my mom to be alone. I wanted to extend our family, and give her a grandchild just to see her smile. She always loved kids. But that never happened. I never met the right guy, and now she's gone. She would always tell me that things like that took time. And I believed her. But what difference does it make now. She will never get to see her grandchild (if I have any). And this makes me so sad !