Daughter2010

I can understand how you all feel about your fathers. Next sunday it will be 5 months since my dad passed, and yes it does feel like yesterday, and there is so much pain and grief...but every morning I wake up, look up to the sky, appreciate the beautiful morning, and I hope wherever my dad is, he is at peace, in a place of vivid colors, a beautiful garden and scenery, and full of joy. That's the thought that comforts me. Everyday I set my mind to work hard, and make my dad proud. He is not physically here but I keep him in my heart, in my mind and in my thoughts. Just because I cant see him does not mean he is not looking out for me and my family. I believe we as daughters, need to always remember the good, remember our fathers with gratitude and love. Yes, the journey without them here is hard, but unfortunately we have no choice but to go on. Last night I was thinking about why are we here, and whether what happens to us is a result of our own choices and fate. I guess its a combination of both. I say this because I have asked myself why was my dad the first one to go if he was always so healthy and the backbone of the family...I have asked God this question many times. I have yet not understood the why...and I guess this is something to just accept and not question. I cried myself to sleep last night because even though I know my dad lives in my heart, mind and thoughts...I won't get to see his smile or tell him how much I appreciate everything he does for us, his family. This reality is too hard to take in at once, but I also look at the positive impact he had on other people, and I can see he transcended,he left a legacy of love, caring for others and hope. My father was not a man who liked to show off, quite on the opposite, he enjoyed a calmed, relaxed, private life. But his passion for teaching and for sports led him to get to places and reach goals he probably didn't think of as a child. That inspires me, it gives me hope. I thank my heavenly Father for giving me such earthly father to guide me and teach me principles for life. I know it is a tough road for all of us, we can cry and even throw a childish tantrum whenever we want to, but let's also remember what would make our parents proud...that would be the best way to honor them and thank them for being there for us. They are not completely gone, they have been assigned other tasks wherever they are. A big hug to all of you, I sure understand your pain...let's remember to take things one day at a time. -L

I can relate to all of your stories. My dad passed almost 5 months ago and to this day I am still trying to figure out my grief. The first 3 months were really hard, i couldnt stop crying, i went back to work a week after he passed because I just had to. Every night for those 3 months I cried inconsolably. Then it seemed like the pain started to ease a bit...or was I just going into numb stage? At work I am like a robot, I manage to do all i need to do and I dont break down and cry..somehow its like I am focused on what I need to do. Then I come home, and look at my dad's pic, and many thoughts run through my head...like how did this happen to us? how is it that my dad is gone? He was only 58 years old...and most of his life he was healthy and strong as a horse. The shouldas, wouldas, always pop in my mind. I am glad and proud to have the father I had, i am a daddy's girl, and I can't thank God enough for that. I could not have asked for a better father, but also there is the pain in my heart, i miss him sooo much, and there is nothing that can change that or make the pain go away. There are days where I wonder who I am....because at work I am ok and then at home I break down...and there are days that i feel ok and then I think..but wait my dad passed recently...so why dont I feel crushing pain? and there are days where I just wished I could pick up the phone and call my dad. There are days that i wished I could give him a hug one more time and see his smile. I know my dad is at peace,and he is ok wherever he is now, but about the pain....do grieving people ever heal? My dad's passing has been life shattering..and at times I feel it is so unfair i dont get to see my dad or talk to him when other people get to see their fathers grow old. Why didn't I get that chance? There are so many things I would have wanted for my dad to see and experience...Maybe I am being a little selfish and I shouldn't because I now dad is ok...but then I wonder...does it really get better? I just feel like a 6 yr-old girl who wants her daddy to hold her hand to cross the street...to guide her.Instead, reality is...that I'm a 30-yr old girl who's dad passed away.

What a blessing to be able to experience those feelings. I can't say I've experienced contentment, but there have been lots of moments of peace. It is hard to comprehend what is going on around us, trying to make sense of our loved ones' passing, but I do believe that by drawing close to God, He will comfort you in more ways than you know. I remember being at church a few weeks ago, feeling sadness in my heart for my dad not being with us,but when I was singing the hymns, a feeling of peace that surpasses all understanding came over me. God knows my pain, His son Jesus died on the cross for mankind, and Jesus understood grief too. When Lazarus died, he wept. It is true when someone said as we seek the Lord when open arms, He will comfort us. Leaving church that day with a sense of peace was God's way of letting me know,He was holding me in His arms. I was not alone, He had been carrying me through all of this. All of this did not mean my grief went away, but rather that He was giving me the strength to go through the pain. I am human after all, but wanting to draw close to Him has helped me so much. That's my experience. I hope all of us, little by little can adapt to our new, harsh reality, remembering that no one will ever take away the moments, memories and experiences lived with our loved ones. Carrying on does not mean forgetting, because we will make sure we keep those memories alive every single one of our days. -L

Hi, Yesterday afternoon was the first time in 4 months, I decided to go back to socializing with co-workers a little bit. I went to happy hour, I must say I didn't do it with so much joy and excitement but rather I felt I wanted to be around people just to wind down from the work day. I didn't feel like doing this for the past 4 months. I would feel like I was not grieving my dad the right way, but yesterday I just felt like going. I also saw it as an opportunity to learn more about those who work with me and for the organization. Doing this did not mean I stopped grieving my dad's death, I simply wanted to be around people talking about non-personal stuff, and getting to know them at the same time. On the way home, I felt ok for taking the time to do this, but I also felt sadness because I wanted to call my father to tell him about this, about the people and I realized I cant do that anymore. It may sound a bit silly but that is just how I felt. I do know that wherever my dad is, he is watching over us, his family, as I have seen little signs of this. His life had purpose and even though he is not with us physically, I can see all things he believed in and lived for, his legacy, is with us. It gives me hope, and a projection for the future. As I am writing this, i have tears running down my cheeks, but I also have a smile...how strange right? All I know is I love my dad and always will. I will do everything I can to make sure his legacy stays alive in us and in the people he impacted through out his life. I just wanted to share that. Thanks, -L

Chai, Thanks for your input. Looking at my own behavior made me question whether I was still allowing myself to grieve. Although the crushing pain in my heart has eased a bit, I still cry for my dad and will for a long time. I guess I am just going through emotions and realizing that grief is experienced in different ways, and when at first I thought I would feel in despair and in a black hole forever, that has not been so. I have realized my dad left his family with a tremendous treasure , not material but of the heart.I am so glad I can remember so many happy moments with him. He left his family with a legacy of love, courage, passion, and caring for others. He didn't impose anything on anyone but rather lead by example. I just wished we could have had him on earth for longer time. I am so proud to be his daughter, and I want to make sure I make him proud, as my way of saying I love you and thank you. There is always a big picture, and when we focus on it, it brings meaning to us. Thanks, -L

Its the end of the day here, and I am finally relaxed, with my mind off the daily activities and I guess I am reflecting on my grief. I am finding that no matter how much people can tell you you can or will feel this way or the other about your loss....Grief is just so unpredictable. I even wonder how have I been able to function on the day to day things, at work, at home, taking care of new responsibilities, etc. It is true no one can tell what tomorrow will bring. I never thought grief will feel this way. With my dad not being here it feels like my joy is gone. I don't think I will ever be the same person as I was before his passing. There are days where I feel so strange, like I am just going through the day on auto-pilot mode....and others I don't feel like talking to my friends, their conversations seem so trivial, where I find myself focused on meaningful conversations. I have noticed I have less patience with people in general, and not because I am angry or bitter, I just don't feel like it. I guess I am rambling a little....and I vent here because none of my close friends have lost a parent, so they don't understand why I am being the way I am. At times they expect me to be the same person from before, and I know I have changed. Anyone care to share thoughts? -L

That's OK Richard. You don't have to be sorry for anything. I agree with Ron, even though the death of your loved one is causing you pain, it is somehow making you look at things you never thought of before, and I think that's a good thing. The fact that you are expressing it, means you are starting to notice that about yourself. Each on of our griefs is unique, and very personal. But I know one thing, it sure changes us, in one way or another.If we discover something new about ourselves, it means we are growing. It is amazing how we can experience so many emotions in moments, not hours, not days, not years...but moments. Life is made of sooooo many moments. Learning from all of them is what make us who we are. Ron, As I am looking at the input and feedback you have provided to others on this site, I truly believe you have a tremendous gift with words, and you are using it in a positive way. I am glad about that :-) keep doing that. That's all for now. -L

Hello Richard, You sure don't burden anyone of us here, we are all part of the same group and we all are seeing how the passing of that loved one impacted us. There are days where I feel like I am surviving, others just to overwhelmed to do anything, and others just dealing with the raw emotions that come with the pain of my father's departure. Right now I feel like my life has been completely shattered by my Dad's passing. I found myself thinking about the scattered pieces of my life and trying to understand how to put them back together again in a way that makes sense, its like comparing it to a glass cup, if it try to put it back together, it sure would not look the same as before, but it may just perform the same function. I guess what I am trying to say is my dad's death is an event that has forever changed me, and right now I am trying to figure out how to go on, move forward with my life and trying to understand who this "new" me is....My father means so much to me and don't get me wrong, moving forward doesn't mean forgetting about him, it means going on with life doing the things that would make him proud and being more conscious about how short this life is and how important it is to make the best out of it. Tomorrow it will be 4 months since Dad passed, and at times I cannot comprehend how come my father is dead. How come the person who did so much for us (my family) is not here with us to laugh, to enjoy life's simplest things. God knows I miss him terribly, I would love to be able to give him a hug or tell him how my day was, but that is just not possible. Some times I wished I would dream about him more, so at least I can hug him in my dream, but I also know wherever he is, he is at peace. His departure was so calm and peaceful and with a smile on his face for us, his family. You are more than welcome to come here, and vent, cry, seek support, because that is what we are here for. Take things one day at a time, and know that it is ok to grieve and mourn, it is healthy. Whenever you want to express something, we are here for you. Hugs, -L

Hmm, all I know is that I have seen my dad twice in dreams after he passed. The first one, we were waiting outside a building, my dad was wearing sporting clothes, a hooded jacket I had given him for Christmas, cotton pants and sneakers. He was standing next to me and we were waiting for my brother to come pick me up in the family's car. My dad spotted my brother driving in the distance (He always had great eyesight), and he said, there he is, I said that's right Dad, that's him, as I was getting ready to walk towards him, I said to him: Dad are you waiting for someone or talk to people? he said no, I said, then come to the car with us, he said ok, we walked towards the car and I was getting in it, and at that moment I woke up. I didn't get to see Dad get in the car with us. After waking up I felt peace and I was glad I was able to at least see him in my dreams. It gave me some comfort. The second dream I think it was my mind recreating the moments where he was at the hospital although this time, Dad looked healthy. I remembered it was so easy to get to the room he was staying in, he was getting ready for some x ray exams, but his face and body looked healthy. He said mom was on the opposite end of the hallway in another room, because she was getting checked out too. The strange thing is that my mom is healthy in real life, in the dream my dad was telling me to make sure I check on her to see how she is doing. He always was so loving with mom and all of us. I miss him so much, I know he is ok. I do think its true when people say a parent's death changes your whole perspective on life, I am sure not the same, and just try to cope with his loss, one day at a time. -L

Justme2905, First of all I am so sorry for your loss, losing a parent is like losing that one half of ourselves,and it really is devastating. I can understand your situation as I lost my father almost 4 months ago and yes, it still feels like yesterday. Like you, I was asking myself the same question a few days after my father's passing...how do people cope with it? each person does what he/she can. The pain of the loss, and the grief are things that are not worked through overnight. It takes time to understand what really happened, and grasp the relevancy of a parent's passing in our lives. One recommendation, do not shut down the feelings from your grief. One should mourn the loss of a loved one in all its dimensions. Please know that there is not right or wrong way of feeling about your father's passing. Each person mourns differently. The first few weeks after Dad died, I couldn't stop crying, I felt this crushing pain, the kind of pain that does not go away because simply there is no remedy for it. You just have to learn to live with it. In the process of mourning, please don't forget to take care of yourself. I am sure your father would not want you to abandon yourself, but rather try to move forward with life. Taking care of your mom is indeed important, but so are you and your health. Always keep in mind to do what your father would have wanted you to do. As far as coping with the loss, well everyday is a struggle to move forward carrying that pain in my heart, but I seek comfort in God, knowing that my dad couldn't be in better hands than His. Is it easy? no, but knowing that God understands my pain, helps a great deal. When I have trouble getting through my day to day tasks, I remember that my dad worked so hard through his life and the best way to honor him is to do the things that would make him proud. He is not here physically but I am sure wherever he is now, he is at peace and with joy. Don't be so hard on your pain and grief, remember that there is a time for everything, time to laugh, time to cry, time to mourn, time to love, etc. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my father, and i do have my ups and downs.I miss him terribly, and probably will for the rest of my life, but I need to do what I need to do because that is what he would have wanted. Know that you are not alone and you can always come to this forum, we are here to support you in any way we can. Hugs, -L

Hi, Today I have felt my father's absence even more than before. Talking on the phone with mom this morning, we are looking at ways to make the best use of his life insurance money. It is decisions like these that triggered memories of past situations where my dad was always there to provide wise advice, and I am not saying my mother does not give good advice, but it is a situation where I felt..let's ask dad...but oh ...right...he is gone, he is not here anymore, and it makes me so sad, I just cant help it. He was such a wise man, very analytical, very good at giving advice. I know that us, his family (mom , my brothers and I ) will be able to make a good decision. While we come up with one, we found ourselves thinking..what would Dad have done, what would he want us to do with it? This is so new, these new situations without my dad. And I am not saying he provided the solution to everything, but having his advise was like feeling his support, his input. I miss my dad terribly...and as I am writing this post, I can't help it but cry. I know God has carried us through all of this, but still in our human nature it is hard to understand why are we living this situation and how to handle it. Some days I think I am still in state of shock...others feel ok..and others like today feel totally sad. I know that's how grief comes....in sudden waves.... I needed to get this out of my chest...thanks for reading -L

Mel, So sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you. My dad passed three months ago and it feels like it happened yesterday. I do hope you were able to spend quality time with him since his diagnosis. It is a tough experience. Know that you are not alone, and take things one day at a time. Big hug for you, -L

Today was one of those days where out of nowhere I started crying. I miss my dad so much and other people go on with their lives, have a father to talk to and I don't anymore. The pain of his absence really weighs on my heart. Why did have to happen so early....I haven't socialized much with my friends, I just don't feel the joy nor the desire to go out with them. I have always enjoyed the simple and small things in life, but not a single thought goes by without thinking " Dad is not here anymore". And it is something I cant do anything about. I feel it is so unfair that I don't have him here anymore. How do people get through life with the pain of the loss and how do they find joy again? -L

Mmmm, I think it was all a misunderstanding, or typographical errors, that's all. We are a big family brought together by grief. To share it, express it, and to better understand what it is this process we go through. Lighten up kids... I don't think people here would mean to offend others. Hugs, -L

Talking about grief coming in layers, that may be so very true. One moment you are OK and two hours later crying uncontrollably. I don't know if there is an end to this process because from what others have said, the pain of losing their loved ones resurfaces at different times in their lives. I remember asking myself the "how long will I be feeling like this" only 3 days after my father passed. We are experiencing grief in different ways according to our own experiences with our loved ones, the type of bond we had, or the one we wished we had, our own personality, etc....in other words..they way I experience my grief is different than yours Ron, or from Babs, or Leeann....but it sure feels good to know that I can express these thoughts here and there are people who can understand or relate, because they too have lost a loved one. It is true that death and loss makes us more aware of who we are and it completely changes us. It made me face my own mortality, and how this life is so short...today I can be here typing, tomorrow I can be gone. Just yesterday morning, I had talked to someone I hadn't seen in a long time, he had asked me how my dad was doing and I told him of his passing, in a very calm way. But later at night, going through some my stuff and cleaning, I found some pics of my and dad from last year, when he was ok and when his health started to decay, pictures from family gatherings and stuff. I could not help it but to start crying uncontrollably. Crying the same exact way as when I was 6yrs old and was waiting for my dad to pick me up from school and he was late. Only three months have passed, but it is ok to have these moments. It is part of feeling the pain. It sure has made me a different person. I just wanted to express this. Thank you all for reading. Have a good day and look for the bright spots in it... :-) -L

Ron, First of all let me say I am sorry for your loss. What you are going through is the worse type of pain anyone can feel because unfortunately there is no magic recipe that will make it go away. As far as what Marty said, I don't see it as her lecturing you or anything like that, but rather providing you information about grief, the different stages, and feelings that people may go through but it doesn't mean this happens the same way for everyone. We all express grief and mourning in different ways and there is no right or wrong in this. To tell you my story, my father passed away three months ago to cancer. Tomorrow it will be exactly 3 months since his departure, and I miss him so much. He was, is and will be the best father I could ever ask for, and for that I am grateful to the Lord. I know I will not see him anymore, or listen to his voice on the phone, or be able to tell him how my day was or ask him for advise on different matters. The days after he passed I found myself feeling the emptiness and the shock of him not being there with us, his family. As time has gone by I have learned this pain I am feeling may not go away ever, and it is ok. Unfortunately for all of us, death is a part of life, and all of us at one point in time will experience the loss of a loved one (father, mother, brother, etc). Have I cried a lot? yes, have I felt anger? yes, have I been depressed? yes, have I bargained with God about my dad? yes....I have experienced all of these emotions in a roller coaster. There are better days than others, but it is part of the process. I don't suppress any of these feelings, because it is healthy to mourn, it just reminds me I am human and even though I know my dad is ok where he is, I can't help but miss him, and wish he were here with his family. It is something I don't have control of. But I sure want him to be proud of me, and want to do things that would make him smile and even if I am depressed, he would want me to keep on going and not let sadness take over me. My mom says I inherited a lot of my dad's personality, and I like that, that way is as if my dad stayed within me. His passing has sure changed my life and the way perceive it, along with my relationships, and it is ok if things change. Somehow, I will find the strength to keep on going and be the best person I can be. My dad may not be here physically but I want to make sure he is smiling wherever he is if he sees his family moving forward with life. My dad will always stay with me, So give yourself time, be patient with yourself and the grief, if you want to drop by and comment here, you are more than welcome. People who have experienced this kind of loss can relate and understand even if their grief is expressed in different ways. Big hug for you, -L

JohnG, Its ok. I can complete relate to how you feel. I have felt like that at times but I have also realized this pain may not go away, and all I am left with doing is learn to live with it and doing things that would have my dad smiling wherever he is at now. It is a slow journey, and realizing that I need to live with it has helped me do the things I need to, like small chores, school work, etc. I do want to accomplish goals that would make my dad proud, so when I do leave this earth I can say to him I did it. All I can say to you is doing things to honor the memory of our loved ones, even if they are small, are a huge milestone in the middle of your pain. I am sure our loved ones would not want us to be sad or depressed. A big hug for you and, hang in there, taking it one day at a time will help make it a little easier. -L

Hello Mel, So sorry to know what you are going through right now. That's one of the trips you are not joyful about. I went through something similar with my father. Me being out of the country, one phone call one afternoon mom told me to get a plane ticket 'cause dad only had a few days to live. Packing up the suitcase was so difficult. I couldn't help my sadness the entire trip there. But once with my father and tried to make the best of out every moment with him, taking care of him, surround him with love. My thoughts and prayers are with you, give lots lots and lots of love to your father and make sure all of your family stays united through this and after your father passes. -L

Thanks to all of you for your replies. Tonight is one of those where I can't hold my tears. Getting home from work, I felt that pain in my soul for my dad's absence. I threw myself fin the sofa and cried for a good while. I wish I could lean on my dad's shoulder and tell him a joke or tell him how glad I am to see him. Or lay down on his lap and watch tv the same way I did when I was 6 years old. It may sound childish but I am a daddy's girl and even though I'm a grown up, I always felt he took care of me. He would hold my hand to cross the street when little, he would walk me home from school, he taught me how to ride my bike at 8. He said he was proud to hear good things about me when picking up my report card at school when I was 12. And the list goes on, so many moments I enjoyed with my father, and now that he is not physically with me, my heart aches. About the journal, I could try it but I am not good at going back reading over the sad moments lived,'cause I can get sad again. I talk to God every night, I give thanks for everything and lay out my feelings, and I talk to dad too, about my day, about my mom and brothers. I know God listens,and well, if death is part of life, I will need to get used to this feeling, and do what my dad did...he lost his parents so early on his life, at the age of 14. He became a great man, who made the best out of his life. I am sure my grand parents are so proud of him. Again thanks to all of you for your understanding. I am not getting told to get over it or have uncomfortable moments. -L

Thanks for your reply. I know it is difficult...some days more than others. Today it was a super busy day for me. On the way home I was thinking, I just wished there would be a way to pick up the phone and called heaven and talk to my dad, that way I could tell him how my day was, what I am doing, how mom and brothers are doing...many things... I also wished I would see him in my dreams again, I only saw him once... a week after he passed. A big hug to you, and hang in there, take it day by day , that way is more bearable. -L

Hello, I'm new to this forum, I have been reading some posts here, and I do find comfort in knowing I am not alone in feeling what I feel. My father passed away last October, to cancer. To this day I still cannot grasp the entire meaning of not having dad around. It will be 3 months this upcoming 28th. Lord knows I miss my dad terribly. His story goes like this: My dad, a healthy man, a professional bike rider in his early years, someone who loved exercising, someone who gave his family and this world so much, was called home at the age of 58. So young, so soon. His cancer was diagnosed a little more than a year ago, he immediately went into treatment, chemotherapy and surgery, both of which he responded very well. Doctors were positive about his prognosis despite the odds. However, after his treatment, a couple of months later he started to feel more and more tired and had difficulty eating, he was taken to the hospital and when doctors performed a series of more specialized tests, found out the sickness had spread to other organs and there was nothing they could do. Despite this he was still clinging to life and he wanted to explore other options, but we ran out of time. We (his family) did everything we could do to make him feel better, to improve his health situation. He was so brave through everything, but I also know he kept his sadness inside, the sadness of knowing he could end up leaving this earth. It breaks my heart because he wanted to be here for my brother's college graduation, to live things like giving me away at the altar the day of my wedding, taking care of my kids when they would be born, etc. I my daddy's girl and I can't call him, or hug him anymore. Last 10 yrs of my life I spent them out of the country studying, working, getting a better life, because that's what he wanted. I would see him every Christmas, but still I wanted to see him more often or spend more time with him. This last year, I traveled as often as I could, I was there for Father's day, for his bday, for his surgery day, and for the last 8 days of his life. I did tell him how much I loved him and how proud I am and will be of him. He not only was my father but a wonderful, noble, gentle person with everyone he knew. He was kind, respectful, he lead by example and everyone I hear from who knew him, has nice things to say about him, about his character. As everyone else, he was nor perfect but I can say he overcame many life obstacles, and made the best out of his life. I just figured he and my mom would grow old together. That didn't happen, and I have come to face the biggest sorrow and grief I have felt in my life. It is that type of feeling that you can't do anything about. My dad left us peacefully, I know he is ok, but still miss him so much. I am trying to get back to the things I should do, I am working, and going to school. During the day I keep busy, but at night I have no desire to do anything, I know that's not what he would have wanted but I just can't comprehend how I am here, sitting in front of this computer and knowing my dad is just not here period. My friends were there for me for the funeral, but then after it just seems like they have gone on with their lives and haven't contacted me to see how I am doing. I find it a bit surprising, but brush it off. I am trying to focus on taking care of my family and getting as much accomplished as possible. It is just that I wish my dad were here to share our happiness and sadness through life. He is the best dad I could have ever asked for. He truly was a gift of God to our family. I needed to vent, thanks for reading. -L

Hello, I am new to this forum as well, and wanted to express my condolences to you for your losses. After experiencing myself with my dad passing away last October, I can understand the relevance and the feelings/emotions involved for the loss. Losing our loved ones is an unfortunate step of life that we all will experience at some point in our lives, and there is nothing we can do about it. However, knowing that is no cure or remedy for the sorrow and impotence we feel in our hearts. My father was a great dad, a great person, good husband (my mom says so), respectful, gentle, noble, and unfortunately he was the first one of the family who was called home. I miss him greatly, he was so brave through out his sickness, all of what we went through for the past year and half was so hard, especially on him, but he was so brave and wanted to live. Like I said before there is no remedy for the sadness and grief we feel in our hearts, it is a matter of learning how to carry on and making sure we enjoy our lives the most because we never know when it is going to be our turn. Don't feel guilty about doing or not doing things while your mom was with you, but rather keep every single memory of her with you, the things she taught you, and be the best human being you can be, I am sure she would be proud of you. May God grant you the peace, and comfort to carry on. -L