Daughter2010

Hello Sharla! It is good to hear from you. I can relate to a lot of what you are going through. For me it has been 18 months since my father passed and you go through so many changes that at times it is hard to recognize the new you. The passing of our loved ones does take a toll on us and it definitely changes us. I can understand you having problems with your husband, your reactions are understandable after what you have been through with your father. I know that up until the moment our parents passed, we had a notion of ourselves, but then after it is a matter of trying to figure out what is going on with us and our new selves, let alone going through the roller coaster ride of emotions that grief brings along. For me there were times I wanted to shout at the world, and couldn't understand why people get to have their parents to an old age and I didn't get that with my father. In those first few months I felt so out of myself, and then learned it is all part of grief. We all experience it differently, and we just need to remember this is a period of adjustment. The first 6 months I could not do anything, other than go to work, come home and zone out, literally. Those months felt like a fog, but little by little, step by step you get through it. As time goes by I have learned to adjust to my new life. Do I miss dad? Of course! The joy and wisdom he always provided, are so special to me that I wish for a moment I could just talk to my father and ask him about his day, listen to him laugh.. What has kept me going? my faith. It is ok to question religion and God. All of your questions are valid. You can ask God about all of them. In my case I one day asked God to reveal himself to me, to walk with me, to guide me, to fill my life, I said I really wanted to know Him, for who He is, like when you have a relationship with someone and you know that person, that's how I wanted to know God. He has answered my prayer in many ways. I know I will see my dad again, but that doesn't mean I don't grieve for him. I was thinking about this last night and of course I grieve him because we are separated! I miss him. I know he is ok, like he is in a foreign country far far away and I eventually will get to see him. About talking to your father, it is completely normal. I do the same thing too! And about your sister talking to your father, you know my brother dreams with my dad so much? See, my father was pro at cycling and so is my brother, they have a special bond. He has seen my father in dreams more times than I can count, and I have only seen my father twice ind dreams in the past 18 months. I believe dad keeps an eye on my brother as out of us 4, he has a bit of difficult character. Mom has not seen dad in dreams that much either, only 2 or 3 times. She grieves for him deeply, again it is the separation that hurts the most, and it takes time to adjust to that. We eventually learn to cope better but we always miss them, that is just how it is. As for your stomach pains, I can completely relate. My father had cancer and since he was taken from earth so soon, well it made us realize tomorrow is not promised. So for every thing, discomfort or sign of sickness I have thought it could be something serious, so it is normal to feel that way. Just keep in mind that grief can really take a toll on you physically and mentally. Make sure you eat right, to take care of yourself, get enough sleep and get your regular check ups. The only thing you can control is how you live, including your eating habits. Be gentle with yourself, I assure you that with time, the pain changes. It never goes away but it just changes and we learn to live with it and to cope. I still cry, although not as much as in the beginning. It is important you express all of your emotions, if you need to cry, cry. If you want to scream, do so. Expressing how we feel helps us deal with grief. Holding it inside will only delay the process. Sharla, it is good to hear from you, do not despair, remember little by little , day by day it will get better. Your father is not gone, he is just somewhere else you cant get to just yet. I will keep you in my prayers. Big hug, -L

Dear Where'dSheGo, I am so sorry for your loss. The love you and your wife shared is quite remarkable. It reminds me of my parents love. My father passed away 17 months ago from gastric cancer and like you, we fought it to the end. You may be feeling out of place, with your wife being gone from this earth. The first few months if not the first year seems a blur. For me it is only until now that I feel like I am waking up from a dream, getting out of the fog. You just feel so out of place, trying to grasp the reality of what happened, almost like watching the events happen in a movie...so surreal. Dad's passing has been tough on everyone in my family, but mom grieves for my dad in such deep way. Like you, they met when she was 15 and he was 20. Dated, and 5 yrs later got married. They stayed married for 33 years until the Lord decided to call dad home. Like your wife, my father was never one to get sick, he was the healthy one in the family, practiced sports, rode his bike, ate well. Dad was so strong in the middle of his sickness. Your story reminds me so much of what my father went through. You speak of your faith being tested, mine was. There were so many questions, many facts out there about what was happening, and yet I was struggling to understand how we would get through this. The truth is, there is no set time table on grief, and we all react to it differently. There is no manual on what to do with grief, or what to expect. The first couple of months I could not understand what was happening to me. The anxiety, feeling out of place, misunderstood, etc...all of that felt so new to me and I had no idea how to deal with it. The first week after dad passed, I would come home from work and cry inconsolably, feeling such a pain in my heart (literally), like if something shattered inside me. Thank God I found this site, and I was able to understand I was not alone in what I felt. People could relate to me, and that gave me a tiny bit of comfort in the middle of my loss. You ask about what to expect, or how long will you feel like that. The answer is I don't know, but what I do know is that it will get better, eventually. For now, give yourself time to cry if you need to, or yell or release the pain inside you. To get better, you must grieve. Losing a loved one is something you don't get over but rather learn to live with. The pain changes, it eventually becomes bearable. Is there hope? yes there is. From my personal journey I have learned that the Lord has never left me, He has walked with me and even though you may not see it now, you will get to the other side. Don't get me wrong, getting through doesn't mean getting over something like this. I still cry, I still remember the good times and times of difficulty. Going to hospitals, being there for my father, all of it. He will always be with me and I will keep him in my heart, I am my father's daughter after all. Feel free to come by and vent about anything, we are here to listen to you and provide support any way possible. Hugs for you. Hang in there, -L

Alycat, I am sorry about the loss of your father. I lost my father too 17 months ago to stomach cancer. He was a great father to me as I am sure your father was to you. Please feel free to come here as many times as you want, to tell us about your day or how you feel, we are here for you. It is good you told your mom about the cutting, she loves you so much and wants the best for you. You are not alone, there are people here who understand. Sometimes I don't understand why my father is not here anymore, he was a young man. But I have learned one thing about this, and that is that I am not alone and will never be alone, my father watches over my family, wherever he may be now in heaven. I wished my father were here too, but every night before going to sleep I send him a big big hug wherever he is. Sweetie, feel free to come by, sending you a big hug. Hang in there, -L

In the early stages of grief it is difficult for us to be able to see or understand what is meant for us to experience in this life. But as KayC said, sleeping can be an escapism. Taking those walks and praying will help you too. The Lord Jesus said to come to Him with our burdens and He will give us rest. In my times of prayer all I could do was cry and cry and cry, but I know the Lord is there with me. When I think of my father not being here, I think of him being immersed in joy of being Home. We can do all things through Christ Who strengthens us. Your husband will want you to carry on, I understand it is difficult but keep that thought in mind. Big hug, -L

That's true, I have heard about an older couple in my hometown where the husband passed away from health problems one morning and the wife went through grief so intense that she passed away that afternoon the same day. I guess they were so connected and it was their time I guess. -L

Sweedifish, Each case is different but I would say yes, it would not be recommended to get in a relationship after the passing of a loved one, even more so a parent. See, a relationship requires emotional investment, and when grieving you need your emotions to do what they need to do. No feelings should be repressed. Sometimes, getting in a relationship is a way of burying or trying to ignore the pain of grieving. What is the point of getting into a relationship when your emotional state is a mess?? I lost my father 16 months ago, I have had a bf for 2 yrs now and I can tell you that the 6-8 months after his passing were extremely difficult on me. I almost could feel no emotion towards my bf. I was not in a place I could pour my emotions on him. He is a great listener but also he hasn't lost his parents, he can try to relate but cannot completely understand until it happens to him. However, he was very patient with me, and that is why we are still together today. If I had been single when dad passed away, I would not have gotten involved in a relationship. Too much emotional investment and energy I didn't have at the time. I barely managed to focus on work, my family and my grief, that was plenty to deal with. Grieving is a process that could well take up our entire lives. Not a day goes by that I don't think about my father. The pain is not as intense, but it is still there. I manage to go on with my life, but still feel a bit incomplete because dad is not here. Your bf reaction is completely understandable. There are different ways of grieving, and just because his family did not cry on the anniversary doesn't mean they don't feel a thing. Grief affects people differently. That's my two cents. -L

Thanks Niamh. I guess I needed some validation of my thoughts, my feelings and emotions. It is tough to lose a father, you know that. I miss him so much, how am I going to live the rest of my life? I know grief is 3 steps forward, 2 backwards..and so on. His passing has changed me forever. How do people do it? how do they feel 5 years down the road?10 years? and so on? I know for now we just have to get through the day, the hour, the moment. Life feels different without my father here. Thanks for listening. -L

What an uncomfortable dream! It woke me up crying. In the dream I had come home to visit and mom had told me she was getting ready to travel somewhere to meet this gentleman...and I was extremely surprised in the dream..I thought..it's only 16 months since dad..... I guess my own subconscious is trying to deal with the fact that dating for mom might be a possibility again. In the dream and just now as I write I am reminded of the loss we experienced. For mom finding someone to love her like dad did? I don't know... Dad was a very good husband to her...I am not saying one day if she decides to seek love again she won't find it...I am saying it will be hard to find. Mom married dad when she was 19. They dated 5 yrs prior to that. Mom is still having a rough time remembering all those times dad was in the hospital. She says at times she can't get them out of her mind. I don't think she is looking to date again yet...but she may someday. She is 54 and I don't know whether she would seek companionship or be by herself for the rest of her life. At this point either choice is hard to deal with. I want for her what would make her happy. I don't want for her to ever feel she is alone because she is not. I am just probably not ready to face that kind of situation if it ever comes...am I making sense? Having this dream just reminded me of dad not being here. It hurts, I felt like things shouldn't be this way...dad shouldn't have died, but yet it is the reality I , mom and my brothers have to live with everyday. Life is so different without him and I am having a difficult time adjusting. Just some thoughts... -L

Shelley, I can understand how things are getting difficult for you, and all the problems you are experiencing at work. I think the anxiety could be related to the session you are about to have with your family. Looking back at your posts, I can say I admire you for being persistent. You have endured so much to get back on your feet, and I am sure your mom in heaven is looking down on you with a smile. You have come a long long way Shelley, every step, every challenge..you are looking to get through it and that means you are a fighter. No matter how bad things seem to get, keep going, you have endured so much and whatever challenges come your way I know you will overcome. Remember, this too shall pass and things will get better. Don't worry about what other people think, they don't know your story. You have come out victorious from various challenges, don't let despair take over you. We all here are rooting for you Shelley :-) Big super hug for you, -L

Hello123, I can understand her reaction in a way. First, she went through her mom's battle with cancer, I am sure those were stressful times and they affected her deeply. On the other hand, you lost your father, you have experienced the pain of grief. I can say it is one thing to face the struggle with cancer, and a very different one grieving the passing of a loved one. By no means this is a competition. Her situation is unique and so is yours. With that being said, her mom is alive, she can see her, talk to her everyday, call her, hug her, etc. Your father is gone from this world and the pain you experience is on a more profound level. If I were her, I should view things as yes my mother went through cancer and she is still alive and I am thankful for that, without inspiring self pity. Quite on the opposite, it should be an example of perseverance, courage and faith. I agree with Carol Ann, she does not know what grief is or means because she has not experienced it. She may not want to face the reality of grief because in a way she is afraid of facing her mom's mortality. It is understandable. After losing my father, it took me a while to understand why others could not quite comprehend what I was feeling or experiencing, and it bothered me at times. Later on I realized that oh well they are not to blame. They don't know the pain of the loss, they can try to sympathize with it all day long, but they don't understand. They will when they lose a loved one. It is just how it works. In my day to day life I have learned that yes, our time on earth is so short and struggles and problems come our way. But it is the attitude we have towards them that makes a big difference into how we live our lives. There is a time for everything, a time to be born, a time to love, a time for joy, a time to grieve, a time to die, and with that in mind and knowing one day it will be our turn to leave this world, each day brings a new opportunity to learn and understand things and others better. As I was telling mom last night, we learn to live with the pain of losing dad, we never forget, but also we learn to be more compassionate for those in the same boat and our outlook on life changes. There are things we can control and others we can't, so we can only worry about what we can change or do about something or someone. In short, don't bring up the subject of your father with your friend, at least for now. In the meantime you have us, and at least you will find that someone is nodding in agreement to your post. It is incredibly amazing to know all of what we feel is normal and that we are not alone in what we feel. If we all are in similar situations, why not support each other right? Big hug for you, -L

What I remember from dad after his passing is a dream i had of him the week after. One of my brothers sees dad in dreams a lot. I know he is OK now, but I hope I can see him in my dreams more often. -L

Princess, I can relate to what you are experiencing. I'm so sorry for your loss. Please know that what you are experiencing is completely "normal" as normal as we are in our grief. One minute you can feel like no one understands you and you want to be alone, and the next you want to be able to talk about your grief with your friends. The truth is people don't know any better. Human beings wont be able to relate to your experience until they too lose a parent...as unfortunate as that sounds, that's how it is. It's been 14 months since my father passed and I too withdrew from people, I couldn't do much because I just didn't want to. I too gained weight and I am now trying to get back in control of my body. The first 6 months I just existed....going to work, coming home and with no desire to do anything. All of that is completely normal. I was an avid reader, and couldn't get to concentrate on a book. I am telling you this so you know that what you are experiencing is normal, is part of how grief affects you. Be gentle with yourself, cry when you need to cry, yell when you need to yell, it is all part of releasing those emotions. It is important to give yourself time to grieve, and cry. It really cleanses the soul. Just know that we are here for you, and feel free to come here and drop us a line. -L

Thanks for all of your responses. I needed to vent, and it helped me a lot. I'm getting informed and keep an eye (if not both) on my brother. We are both adults, mature people. He's 29, I'm 30. The little one is 22, so we all are grown ups. Still, with me being the oldest I want to make sure I can help them and guide them whenever they need it. Like a friend of mine said..life is tough but you can be tougher. I will keep you posted on this. Thank you all, -L

and a bit scared about the future. I spent the holidays with mom and my brothers and well, for the most part everyone is doing sort of OK, in their own way. My mom misses my father so much and she still cries frequently. She says she still remembers the sadness my father experienced when he was diagnosed with cancer, his fears, and how life was leaving his body little by little. I too remember those times, and I wished I could make my mother feel better but it is something that she needs to deal with as well. My younger brother is apparently doing OK, but when dad passed on, he got into the habit of drinking a beer, two or three almost daily. He said it was to numb the pain, and mask the sadness. A year later, the habit continues and we ( mom, myself and my other brother) sat him down and expressed our concerns. He acknowledged the fact that he drinks on a regular basis and he knows he doesnt want to do things that will ruin his life.He doesn't get drunk, but he drinks enough to feel relaxed and expresses his emotions a lot more. He wants to break the habit and thinks he can do it himself, as per his own words...he now drinks when he feels happy and when he feels sad, otherwise he does not touch alcohol. He sounded reassuring about being able to quit the habit and he even saw it as a challenge. We all are hopeful he breaks it. I worry so much because I don't want him to do stupid things and I want the best for him. My father drank very little alcohol through out his life by choice, and we his children need to follow his example. My little brother is doing OK, he is the quiet one in the family. He helps my mom out so much, he is still young and he needs to learn a lot about life. Spending time with my family was the highlight of the holidays. I wouldn't trade that for anything in the world. As being the oldest in the family, I feel the need to care and provide for my family, mom and my brothers. I don't want my family to be shattered or troubled as a result of trying to deal with my father's passing. I am sure Dad wouldn't like that. Mom is being strong and keeps going, and my brothers are doing the same even though there are bumps along the road. These times are though on us because of grief, finances and trying to find ourselves and knowing what we want to make of our lives. I want to know as much as possible about my brother's habit and be prepared in case he does want to be helped. If he can't break the alcohol habit on his own, I want to be ready to provide help. Sometimes I think if Dad were here, things would be different, and we would feel complete again. Seeing my mom in pain breaks my heart and i miss my father so much that at times I wonder if it is worth having kids knowing that they too could grieve my death in the future? Why do we have to go through this pain? I am feeling a bit lost, and trying to find my way forward. I have a job I take care of , and my family..it is just that inside I feel so much uncertainty, I am a bit fearful. I don't know when mom's time to leave earth will be but it makes me anxious. She is apparently in good health..but I still worry. This year I want to do so much so I can spend more time with my family. What is the meaning of life if you can't spend it close to those you love? Thanks for listening, -L

Sheiss, That feeling you speak of will eventually get better. I don't think we ever heal, but adjust to our new reality. When my father passed on...I felt such a heaviness in my chest...a deep pain and it was not physical...emotional pain. I felt so lost at the time, I asked people who lost loved ones what they did to cope....they just did what they could. That heavy feeling is part of grieving. Every time I think of my father I know a part of me is with him and his memories live in me too. It has been 13 months since dad passed away and I don't cry as much as the early weeks and months, but I miss him everyday. Lots of memories of him bring me smiles and tears at times. It is all part of being human. It is important to grieve, do not bottle things up. As for being strong, you can be strong and cry at the same time. So if you need to cry at times, please do so. Crying cleanses the soul. Be who you always have been Sharla. The backbone of the family. It doesn't mean you cant cry...crying, heavy feeling, sadness...etc is all part of the process. Grieving is a very personal matter, so your way of grieving may be different than others, and it is ok. Big hug for you, -L

Tips...mm I would get through my day of work...and at home i would just watch movies and tv to zone out..... I followed my emotions...at times I just lay in bed crying, now that I remember my boyfriend would call me and talk about random stuff and listen to me... As the days and weeks into my grief went by I realized this was not something I needed to heal from or get over...but rather to get through, to learn to live with. I am still learning to live knowing my father is not in this world anymore. One moment, one step at a time. Big hug, -L

When my father was in the hospital during his last days....he had told my mom he had seen shapes of people in his room...he couldnt tell who they were but they certainly had been there awaiting the moment. My father at times would focus on a specific area of the room..as if he were looking into something. We couldnt see anything, but he did. He deep down knew the moment was coming. He passed on in such peace and with a smile. I am certain our lives don't stop here on earth. There is a reason why each one of us is a certain way and gets to stay for a period of time. This is not our home, just a stop on the way home. I miss my dad so much but I am comforted in knowing he is pain free and in a different dimension now. It is just that it takes a bit to adjust to the new reality...our parents are simply gone from earth and at times we can feel a bit unprotected or insecure. There is a plan and a purpose for each one of us and we will leave this place when our time comes. pjm thanks for sharing. -L

I'm definitely going to check out some of those. I love children books. Stories are presented in simple ways, and many times we should not think like adults but view things the way children do. It marvels me to see how children are innocent and how they perceive life. Many things should be looked at with the heart of a child.... Thanks for the info Marty. -L

Niamh, I can relate. There are no words to describe what we feel. At times I feel as if my father had gone on a long trip to distant land....my mind at times thinks he is in another country far far away....he just won't be here in the physical form. I know that we as daughters carry our parents within us and they are living through us as we carry a lot of them in us. It feels so surreal to keep on going and knowing my father has passed on. At times I look at myself in the mirror and can see some of my father in me, both in the physical and the character. I miss him so very much and always will. I wished things were different, but again...we have no control of this. We have to learn to live with it and keep going. big hug for you niamh...just hang in there. Much love and peace to you, -L

Sharla, My deepest condolences for you and your family for your father's loss. Right now there are no words that can capture the dimension of what just happened. I understand the relief you feel knowing your father is not in pain anymore. His journey on earth has ended, but just know he is a part of you, and will always be, despite not being in this world anymore. I wish, I could give you a hug wherever you are, but just know we are here for you whenever you want to talk. Courage, strength and love to you and your family. You and your family will be in my prayers. About the site, thank you for sharing your journey with us, as well as the rest of members of this site. I, like you don't know how I would have dealt my loss had I not found this site. I have learned from all of you, for that I am grateful. Stay in touch, -L

I am not sure if this applies to what you are experiencing with Christmas but, I lost my father a year ago or so. That first Christmas I didn't put anything up in my house as I was still numb and didn't feel like decorating. For me there was not much to celebrate as the big void my father left was there. That void is still there now, but somehow I view it or feel it differently. I had the Christmas tree boxed up by the closet and contemplated it like 100 times. I debated whether to put it up as I didn't feel like a tree should be up. But then I thought, putting that Christmas tree up and decorating it brings a smile to my face, not for the tree itself but for what Christmas means to me. My father would not want me to be sad, so I put up a small pic of him in the tree along with a bike ornament as he loved biking. It is my way of making him part of this Christmas. I know he is not in this world, and that I can't talk to him on the phone or hug him but he will never be forgotten and I wanted him to be part of Christmas in this particular way. In Christmas my family and I celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ. I imagine in heaven there is no nativity set, as Jesus is there, but on earth, the nativity set is a reminder of the real reason for the season. Your daughter is very wise . Take it one day, one step at a time. I did cry when setting up the Christmas tree, it is normal. Seeing that bike and that picture reminds me that my father is not in this world but he will always be in my heart, my mind and his memory will be honored. Big hug for you, -L

Hello Lostdaughter, I can understand the pain and anger you have been feeling. I at some point felt a bit angry at others for not understanding my grief. I lost my father a year ago or so, and truth is...no one teaches the world what grief is really like. Being that the case, we can't expect everyone to understand the depth of what we go through. It took me a while to realize this, and I also understood that losing a loved one is something people cannot possibly begin to understand until they go through it themselves. Are others to blame? Not really...unfortunately it is just the way things are. I too lost a friend whom I thought I would get support from, in these tough times. He too lost his father about 6 years ago or so. I thought he would relate or understand. He was so closed off that I almost felt like I really didn't know this person. I spoke my mind to him telling him how surprised I was to find he was non-supportive. In the end I wasn't all that angry, but rather shocked that some people who have lost loved ones cannot be empathetic toward others in the same situation. Later I figured his pain maybe too deep or not dealt with properly so he just couldn't share what he felt. If he had these issues or not, it no longer concerns me. We lost touch and well, in the end I concluded that grief and living a loss shakes the very core of your being. I am very thankful I found this forum and can express what I feel and how I feel it. Living a loss gives you a different perspective on things. How you view life, what really counts and what is really important. I also understood I may be grieving the loss of my father for the rest of my life, as this is not a race to get over it but rather learn to live with it as Grace10 said. It is also true that during a time like this you really get to know people for how they are. Some of them are just unable to help us with it, others try their best but it is not of much comfort, and others are willing to listen to us without any judgment. Living one day at a time, one moment at a time is all we can do to cope with our situation. A big hug for you, focus on yourself. Don't worry about others. Try to take it one step at a time, and this road will get a little easier. -L

It is true. When doctors say that does not mean that people just sit at home waiting to die. There is still a lot that can be done to make the most out of the time left on earth. I remember back in the hospital, the nurses had mentioned to us that patients get told the news, they are discharged home, and they live a lot longer than expected, of course each case is different. But what I am trying to say here, is doctors give their statement based on what they know medically. They don't have the last word on a patient's life. It may be a week, a month, few months....in some cases years. The focus now is on making sure Sheiss's father is a comfortable as possible. Evaluate what your options are..and how he and the family want to handle them. Just remember that through the process let him know he is very much loved and that he still can do things until the day he dies. I won't forget the day my father passed, he was making phone calls two hours before his passing, talking to people, he was focused on living every moment, and while his body was deteriorating, his mind, personality remained intact. He continued to be the father I always knew until his last breath. I think of all the memories of my father, and he is not gone forever, he is just not here anymore. Those memories bring me joy, they make me smile even if I cry a little. We all have feelings, emotions...we are human! The love for my father, remains intact and such bond is eternal. Sheiss, we are with you. xoxoxoxo -L

Sheiss, I am sorry to hear that. I know your heart can break into a thousand pieces when you hear that from doctors, that there is not much that can be done. I lived a similar situation with my father. I can completely relate to what you are going through. Spend as much time as possible with your father, be there for him. make him feel as comfortable as possible, with some sense of normalcy until the end. That helped my father. His body may have been deteriorating quickly, but he kept his mind going with some work activities he could do from the hospital. Those were limited but they helped him sooo much, you have no idea. If it hadn't been for that, my father would have been gone a lot sooner. You being the glue in the family, keep them all together, for your father. Show him even more love than before. Your father may pull you aside and speak his mind about what is going on, just be there for him. It is time for everyone to make him feel at ease. If he is emotional, listen to him. I agree with jodo, do not leave anything unsaid. Ask him if he has any fears, LOVE can overcome any fears, and love never dies. My father was being strong for us, we were strong for him. We did not cry in front of him, we wanted to offer as much comfort as possible, we even joked about things. Life is about that, the small simple things and experiences. Cherish this time with your father. My father didn't live a long life but it was filled with many wonderful moments. He passed on to another place or dimension, and his passing was peaceful. I know I will see him again. I will be praying for you, your father and family. A big hug for you, we are with you through it all. Love never dies. xoxoxox -L