Daughter2010

Beautiful poem Niamh. Thanks for sharing. -L

Ren, First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. Words are not enough to describe the depth of the feelings you are experiencing. All I can say is my heart goes out to you in this difficult time. I am a bit surprised that you have not been able to take funeral leave or get paid for it, seems to me like it is a big miss for upper management at that cancer center, especially your job being heavily involved in the medical field. My father passed away 6 months ago to cancer and even though it was an expected death, it didn't make it easier on my grief. Those first couple of weeks were so strange to me. I went back to work a week after dad passed and I remember it feeling so numb, and feeling so much pain in my heart. This pain the kind I had never experienced before, I found myself sobbing uncontrollably on my way home after work, crying like a 5-yr old who wanted her father back. My whole world was shattered by that experience, it changed me forever, during those weeks I felt like I didn't know myself anymore, I found myself asking deep questions like the meaning of life, looking at my own mortality, and just trying to grasp an understanding of what just happened. Those were very difficult days for me, there were a couple of times I had to run to the bathroom to cry, because I didn't want people see my tears. Everytime I would feel a break down coming, I just thought of my father rooting for me and just remembering that is what he would have wanted me to do, to keep on going, to face my work responsibilities, to do what I had to do. My father was a very hard working man, he would get up early in the morning, 5 AM to exercise, then get ready for work at school, then after school he would go to meetings and events to gather funds for sporting events. He was a sports leader, he loved working with people, and then he would help mom run the family business. He was a busy man, but he also had time for his family. He enjoyed what he did, he found satisfaction in his daily activities, he had joy and happiness when spending time with his family, and, oh well the list could go on and on. I am telling you this to give you an idea of what motivated me to keep going, even if I had difficult moments, or sad faces or break downs at times. My dad worked hard his whole life, and my way to make him proud is to keep going and in the midst of all, I tried my best and little by little , day by day it has gotten a little easier. Now at the 6th month mark I can tell you I still cry, although not as often, I am still trying to find the new "me", after Daddy's passing, the pain is not as intense, but I still miss my father sooo much, and I think I will always miss him, he is a part of my life, I was a part of his. I am sharing this with you so you know you are not alone in what you feel, and I am glad you found this website to talk to others about what you feel, all the people in here have been of great help to me. In here I can write down my thoughts for the day, I can ask questions, or just read other people's posts. It helps me understand I am not alone and that this is a journey that becomes so much easier when you have people that can relate to you or understand the dimension of your loss. Go easy on yourself, take it day by day. About the people at work who haven't even said sorry or expressed their condolences either they don't know about your loss or maybe they feel awkward about talking to you about your loss? who knows. I am not justifying them, I just want you to keep in mind they may not know what to say. Society does not really know or have a good grasp on to how to deal with us grieving people, so try not to take it personal. Please know we are here to listen to you, to support you,whenever you want. You are not alone. A big, big hug for you. Take care. -L

Christine, Welcome to the forum. First of all, I am so sorry for the loss of your mother. You are going through rough times, like all of us here have. Please know, we are here to listen to you, to support you in any way we can. I, like you have a very demanding job too and when you are in that position you are supposed to have it all together. But guess what, we are only humans, and we feel, we cry, we mourn, and it is all OK. The loss of your mother is sure devastating, and you are trying to go on but just don't know how. Just take it one day at a time, and if one day is too much to take in, then take it one moment at a time. Little by little, like baby steps. I lost my dad, 6 months ago to cancer, and even though is was an expected event, it didn't make it any easier on my grief. I went back to work a week after his passing because knowing him, that is what he would have told me. I did it for him, I gathered strength and went to work. I dont know how I made it, as there were times I would almost burst into tears. Crying is ok, we are not perfect and people may look at you or me or anyone who has gone through this and act in certain way because they just dont know how to comfort people in grief. Whenever it gets too hard to go on for you, just think of your mother rooting for you. You know she loves you very much and only wants the best for you. You can find her in your heart and memories, and even though she is not physically with you, she is somewhere watching after you. Hang in there, and remember you are human, and you can cry and not have it together all the time. It is ok. Your mom left you a treasure of moments, memories, values, lessons that are invaluable, whenever you feel down, remember them, cherish them, as it may help you on your journey. That has been my experience with mourning the loss of my father. It doesn't take the crying away, but I am concentrating on taking it day by day and so far, that has worked. Big hug for you, -L

Marty, Thanks for your response, very informative. The reason I asked the question was because I heard from some people that the 6th month mark is a time where our pain becomes more intense, and for me it has been a very strange experience. I noticed I don't cry as much, but that is also because I cant yet look at Daddy's pictures without crying and there are times I look back 6,7,8 months ago and I had my father with me and it makes me realize he was with me just an instant ago in my memory. I will always miss him. This is a cycle of life that is very hard to accept. At times I feel numb, and others so in touch with memories of my father that I cant stop crying. Again, thanks for your input. Loulou, Thanks for your words. Yes, all of what you said is true, people who haven't experienced grief, don't have a clue. I don't blame them , they simply don't know. I realized this very early on my grief, and have chosen to share my experience with those that can relate, for now that is my family and all of you guys here at this forum. You have no idea how much comfort and how much it helps to know someone out there understands why after 6 months, we still cry and miss our loved ones. Jodo, Thank you for taking the time to read on my story. Yes, in my family we never thought my dad would be the first one to go, and so young. When I see older people on the street I think they are sooo lucky. They still have one more morning to look forward to, they still have more time to share with their children, grandchildren, etc. During the first couple of months I felt a bit upset over other people getting to live longer than dad, I guess it was a natural reaction. Then intense crying came, I never thought I would be able to cry as desperately as a 5yr old would and that is how I felt. Now at the 6 month mark, I don't cry as often as before, and it doesn't feel like my heart its about to shatter in a million pieces as it did in the first 3 months. But on the other hand, I think it could be because I avoid activities that will bring me all those memories and make me cry more. The other day I thought about start writing a journal of memories of my dad, so I would have it to look at later on in the future. I want to keep every memory of him, every moment written down on paper so I make sure I don't ever forget all the good moments he gave me and my family. However, when I started writing my first memory, I broke down in tears. The pain was too intense, everything surfaced and I guess my grief was being bottled up. I don't know, all I know is I wish I could spend one more moment with my father, even if it is in my dreams just to see his smile. I too have pictures of my father on my dresser, sometimes I can look at them and sometimes I can't. I can completely relate. Thanks for your understanding about the broken record thing, it is true expressing our feelings over and over again may be just therapy to help get all those things out. I will later try to write that journal, even if I cry, 'cause at times I feel I need to cry and release my emotions. Thank you all to take the time to answer my question, I really appreciate it. -L

Its Ok, you can vent your anger, frustrations, etc. About the doctors, when are they supposed to give you guys results from the MRI? From what I remember your dad had a PET scan right? and it came out clear. I know anxiety can get the best of us, but you need to stay calm, make your dad feel as comfortable as possible. Have doctors prescribed anything for the pain? his headaches? I wish there were more I could say or do, I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there. _L

does this month represent a different stage in grief? or what does it represent? my question may be silly, I am just curious. Thanks, -L

The video is soooo cute. I really liked it, but also i couldn't stop crying the whole time I was watching it. I wish my father were here, I miss him soooo much. It saddens me a bit knowing he won't be giving me away the day of my wedding (whenever i decide to get married). Anyhow, I am sure all of us daughters can relate to the video. Thanks Niamh

Thank you all for your kind words. They mean so much to me, especially that you listen to what I say and that it is ok so sound like a broken record some times. Yes, this morning I said a prayer for dad, and my family and started my work day. I was kept very busy but on the way home in my car I just broke down in tears sobbing like a 5 yr old....literally. Mom visited dad's grave today, as she usually does, every 3 days or so. Since I live away I just cant be there as often as I would like, but I constantly communicate with mom and my brothers. Today is the 6th month mark and still everything seems so surreal. At times my dad's voice on the phone comes to mind. His recomendations, his questions, his desire to help. My feeling of frustration against the situation still lingers in me,seeing his sickness and not being able to find the solution to his cancer to fully recover from it. Life would have been sooo different. I am still adjusting to my new reality, and it is hard. I wonder if I grieve enough, I hope I am not suppressing any feelings or emotions nor my pain. My job is very active, and keeps me quite busy everyday, so that keeps me going, and I have never broken down at work, i usually do when I get home, although the crying has lessened a little bit. I guess it is part of the journey. Thank you all for your kindness, understanding, and support. It has been of great value to me. You all are like my second family. -L

That's a beautiful poem. Thanks for sharing.

I am feeling so strange these past couple of days. I have felt someone emotionless. No tears, maybe feeling numb... Wednesday 28th it will be 6 months since Daddy's passing. Today on my way home from the grocery store, there was this song on the radio about Jesus calling all of us home, and it just drove me to tears. I just cannot comprehend how is it that Daddy is not here with us anymore. Why him, why cancer, why so young. So many why's...and not a single answer. I know there is nothing that will make me feel better about my dad not being here, and I know it would be selfish of me to want him to be here, when he is now resting in peace. I just miss him so much, and there are days that I don't know how to keep moving forward without him. I have tried hard, I don't even know how I managed to get back to work and function only a week after his passing. All of this is so difficult. I haven't seen him in my dreams in a long long while. But every picture of him brings me a smile and tears at the same time. I wish time machines existed...so I could go back in time and be able to help daddy, maybe find treatment for his cancer at an earlier stage, or something that would have prevented him from going through what he experienced. I know many times we go through difficult situations and learn something valuable from them. I don't know if i have learned something from this. All I know is I go through the motions and I wished none of this would have happened. I don't want to sound like a broken record, it is just that I miss my daddy sooo much, I would love to see his smile again. I don't want to stop missing him, my father is part of my life and will always be. I just wanted to express how I feel. I have no words to describe my emotions today, only tears. Thanks for listening -L

Hello alaynalynn, Welcome to the forum and I want to tell you I am sorry for what you are going through with your brother's loss. I think coming here is a step in the right direction. You can vent or talk about your anger, your feelings. Even though I have not had a similar experience as yours, I want to tell you you are not alone in what you feel. From what you said about your family, looks like everyone is dealing with the loss in a different way for people that care and the ones that don't. As for your mother, it sounds she is so stricken with grief she may not even have the energy to snap or get angry at others. Please whenever possible encourage her to eat and take care of herself. About talking, even though you are shy, expressing your emotions, your grief, your pain can be helpful. You shouldn't have to carry that burden alone. There are times where even crying or talking to mom or people you feel comfortable with, helps. We are here to support you in any way we can. Please feel free to come whenever you want, we all unfortunately joined this "club" not by choice, but I am sure it has helped all of us through out the journey a whole lot. Big hug for you, -L

To answer Suzanne's question, I would say yes we should pray for others to be healed. I can understand what you went through when you prayed and prayed for your husband to be healthy and sickness-free only to see him pass away. However as kayc said, and I share her view...prayer has many purposes and not just to ask God about something...like she said prayer can change US even without knowing. I remember the afternoon I got the news about my dad's cancer, I came home and just cried and cried and cried to God. I could not possibly understand why my daddy,someone who cared so much about others and was an example of love and compassion was being stricken with this sickness. I felt soo alone...but I never was. Daddy and the whole family prayed to the Lord for his healing, and well, even towards the end daddy would say...well I don't know about my sickness, I have prayed to God to heal me but if He doesn't want or it is not His will..well.... I dont think that God does not answer prayer, but rather He may not answer it in the way we expect it, and that is ok. It is hard to accept at times, but my thoughts are not God's thoughts. I remember days after my dad passed my brother said, well God did not heal daddy but I remember he answered my prayer about letting daddy get well so he could be able to ride his bike again so they both could go for a ride ( they both practice/d cycling), they were able to do that and it was sooo good, I remember that moment vividly and thinking of it brings me joy and tears at the same time. I was raised Catholic, and one day I just told God I wanted to know him more, the way I know my friends, my family.etc, and that I wanted to know about His love, His mercy, His forgiveness. I didn't want to believe out of fear, but rather out of love. He has done just that, for which I am eternally grateful. The night my dad passed, we ( my family) thanked God for allowing us to have someone like daddy in the family. It was God's gift to us. Do I ask Him why daddy? Of course, I am grieving and have those moments, but I also know He answers all of our prayers, and that there is a purpose for everything. So it is ok to question things, just know that sometimes the answer to prayer may not be what we want or may just not come right away. That's just my view on it. -L

Sheiss, I understand what you are describing about your dad. When my family and I found out about my dad's cancer, we decided that no matter how much time he had left on earth, we would spend it making him feel as comfortable as possible and to keep things as normal as possible. My dad at the time was also scared, and depressed too. But he made a come back with love for life, even though he knew his time may be short. All I can tell you from my experience is that even though I did have anticipatory mourning, I also made sure I let my father know how much I love him and that he had my support at all times. My mom, brothers and I were like a team, working around the clock to keep things going with his treatment, his meals, his work, etc. and I can tell you I am grateful to God for allowing me to spend that time with Dad as much as I could. I look back and the last Christmas with him, was the most beautiful Christmas I have ever had, not because of material things but because my father was with us, because we spent quality time, and that made me all of us happy. Through out that entire year, we gave it our all to Dad's cause, and even though I did not spend the 365 days of the year with him ( I live away in another country), I can say I am glad we all were able to enjoy that time , it was so precious to us. I understand you may break down at times and all, but your dad needs you to be strong (even though you are the strong one in the family already), every moment you can spend with him is precious...cherish it! focus on what you can control, and be there for him. As for your husband, I can see how stressful the situation can become but remember you guys are a team, being united is very important for both of you...be there for each other, as for friends, don't worry they sure understand you are going through the most difficult situation of your life and it is only normal you are behaving that way. You dad is not gone just yet, there is time to be spent with him and precious moments to be lived with him, focus on that because when he is gone, the memories will be there in your heart and mind when you want to think of him. I say this not on a sad note, but rather to be aware that time is short and to give it your all... Don't let be guided by despair but instead try to look at the brighter side of things, that will help you and the rest of the family through the entire process. Please know my thoughts and prayers are with you. I am rooting for you and your family to stick together,big hug for you. You are not alone in what you are feeling, hang in there. -L

Niamh, The best remembrance of your dad's bday is the cake and doing what you did. One day at a time. Big hug, -L

Closs, Let me first say I am very sorry for your loss. The death of your husband is an event that feels like a part of you has gone with him, especially in such a short time. I wish there were happier words i could provide to you, but what I can say is that you are not alone in your pain. It is a long journey the one you have begun, and I just want you to know we are here for you, to listen to you, to support you whenever you feel is too difficult of a day or you have a burden to heavy to bear alone. This is a group none of us chose to join...but it has helped us to understand our grief and pain a little better, as kayc mentioned it, this place has been a lifeline for me too. I am not married yet but my father passed away from stomach cancer almost 6 months ago, and not a day goes by that I don't think of him. Those first weeks were terrible, I went from feeling numb to a flood of tears for my father. I am definitely not the same person as before, and well I think I will always miss my father. Please know that you can come here whenever you want to vent, cry, or just to read other people's posts....all of that helps a lot in our grief. There is no such a thing a being misunderstood here because we all have felt the pain of the loss. It is true that our grief is very personal, but i believe sharing our experiences, emotions, and feelings, help us make this journey a bit easier. A big, big, big hug for you, -L

People react differently to grief. I have never shut people down, nor withdrawn from everyone around me, but after my Dad passed, I just felt I needed to be alone with my grief. Then when I would talk about my grief with people, they were uncomfortable, so I could see who I could share my thoughts with. It is almost 6 months since Dad left and I am nowhere near doing small talk with my friends. I have gone out to dinner a couple of times with them but I pretty much let them talk about their lives. I have changed, and well I guess it takes time for everything to sink in. My recommendation is be gentle with your gf, if she wants to talk to you she will, you already told her you'd be there for her and that is sufficient. A grieving person cant just go back to being the same way he/she was before. It doesn't work that way, but that doesn't mean relationships die, they just change, evolve. So keeping this in mind, what your gf needs the most right now is know that you are there for her whenever she wants to, whether is to listen to her cry on the phone, or have a cup of coffee, or to respect her silence. Patience, patience, patience....and well, if in the end your relationship does change and you guys dont get back together, be sure that she can say she is lucky to know someone like you, who was there for her regardless of how she felt or what she did. She needs to experience her grief and pain with her family, and sometimes that requires a good amount of alone time. That's my 2 cents. -L

Niamh, I can understand how you feel. It is true that people just dont know what to say, I know they mean well but if they havent gone through the loss, they just wont comprehend what grief entails. This forum has been a tremendous help for me. I knew my friends would not understand my pain nor my boyfriend, so I chose to not talk about it with them. I withdrew from everyone. The first 4 months..I barely talked to my friends through text mssgs, and my boyfriend, he has been supportive but I dont want to burden him with my pain so I dont bring my Dad as topic of conversation. How I wished he had gotten to know my father, he would have met a great man, great person and great dad. All I can say is try to get going, I am sure that's what your father would have wanted you to do. I am sure he understands how you feel but he would also encourage you to keep going, for him. I know it is difficult to do, but you gotta try. Remember your dad will always, always be in your heart. Hang in there my friend, one step at a time. Big hug, -L

Thanks Niamh, Well, I am taking things one day at a time. I feel so different, i think my dad's loss has affected even the way I see my friend relationships, my boyfriend, even my family. On my family it has helped me and my brothers to look out for one another more and take care of mom. We were always united as family, and now I see us evolving in some way. I hope it is all positive, but we are all trying to understand our new reality, and we are grieving differently. bflyrn, I hope you have a good bday despite your grief. I am sure your father would want you yo enjoy that day, if not for you then for your dad, think of what he would want you to do on that day. I am not saying jump on one leg and all cheerful. Do what you feel is right. Big hug for you and I remember to take it day by day. Hugs to all, -L

Well, I spent the entire weekend with my family, had a b-day cake Sunday morning and we all just started talking about Dad. I couldn't help but feel that moment was bittersweet because it was us 4 seated by the table, not 5 like we always were for 30 yrs. We watched a slide show someone made with photos of him, very spontaneous photos and that's how I celebrated my b-day. Remembering Daddy. I carry a part of him and so are my brothers, we all have traits from my dad and mom. I visited Dad's grave that morning, said a prayer, cleaned up flowers and just sat there. I didn't want to leave that place. I just felt peace, and the sensation of closeness to daddy's remains. I am a part of him, he lives on through me and my brothers, and I guess that is the beauty of creation: Parents and their offspring being alike. I did feel different in the sense that it was the first birthday spent without Daddy there, I kept looking at his pictures and trying to comprehend why Daddy wasn't physically there with us. I did not see him in my dreams, but that is ok, wherever he is, he is watching over us. I did notice that when I am with my family, I unconsciously jump into protective mode, I am not able to cry much, but rather focus on spending time with them, help out with whatever is needed and just being there, specially my mom. Daddy wanted me to take care of her and not leave her alone, so I try to do that. Daddy was, is, and will always be an angel to us, we had the opportunity to know him, listen to his advice and to learn so much from him, for that I am eternally grateful. Life is so fragile and I have learned that every moment spent with your loved ones, whether that is an hour, a day, a year or a lifetime, is so precious and is not to be taken for granted. I am struggling to adjust to my new reality, and it is difficult but one thing I can say about Daddy is that even though he wasn't physically there with me, his love for us was there. I do wonder why he had to leave this earth so soon when he was loved and appreciated by many, why things happened the way they did. At times I feel a bit upset because I spent my first 30 years with Dad and now...how am I going go on for the next 30 without him? At times I feel jealous of those who get to see their parents live well into their 80s and 90s because I would have wanted the same thing for Dad, but it wasn't possible, and it hurts. I don't think I will ever understand that, but I guess I need to accept it. How will I get to that stage? I am back to my daily routine and now tears roll down my cheeks, I cry and cry. How do people go on when half of their being is gone? A part of me left when Dad passed. I pray to the Lord to guide me through these moments. I don't want to end this on a sad note, because I know daddy is ok, I just miss him terribly, I am taking one day at a time and eventually someday I will be able to remember him without pain in my heart. -L

Niamh, I hear you. It is ok to feel sad, but just remember that your father would not want you to be stuck, or not being able to move forward....our dads would want us to live life, follow our hearts and our dreams, be better people. I am sure that if your dad could be there with you, he would. Unfortunately that's not how things work. For me it is sad that my dad is not here anymore, but at the same time I have to gather up the courage and strength to keep on going. I am 100% sure that is what my dad would want us to do. If you at times find it difficult to do, just think of him and think of what would make him proud. We need to remember that parents are here to guide us, to love us, to teach us how to live, and whether it is sad not have them physically with us, they are always in our hearts, in our memories, and they are in a different dimension. Parents always want the best for their kids, they would want them to look up to the future, to learn to live, and enjoy life fully. I am not telling you to go ahead and party and just act as if nothing happened, but we all need to be strong, for our fathers, for our families here, and for ourselves. The road is not easy, but who said it was? Not a day goes by that I don't think of my dad, I cry and I feel sad but I also need to make sure I remember to do that would make my father proud. In my prayers I ask God to give me the strength, to comfort me, and to help me every day. I also ask, if possible to let my dad know how much I love him. As for your friend who didn't call you back, it could be for a number of things, which they dont matter now. Your friend may just be a bit uncomfortable with the whole situation because she may not know what to say to make you feel better, but that's ok. Don't take it personally. For myself I can say, my immediate response to grief and my friend relationships has been isolation. I just didn't feel like talking to them, as I have felt that they cannot understand my loss. They understand my need for space, and they are leaving me alone, but letting me know they are there for me whenever I want to reach out. So if I feel like going out for coffee or talk some I can contact them. My message to you is hold on tight, you are not alone in feeling the way you do but also remember your dad loves you very much and would want you to move forward, as difficult as it may be. Parents want the best for their kids. Your dad is not physically with you but his love will always be in your heart. Big hug for you, -L

Sharla, I can imagine how difficult all of this must be for you and your family. Not knowing how long your step dad will have left on earth can be heart wrenching. That kind of news can be devastating for anyone. I went through something similar with my father who passed away 5 months ago from stomach cancer. It was something we never saw coming since he always had great health. When he was given the news about his sickness, it was a very difficult time to all of us, but to him it was the trial of his life. At first he was taken aback by the news, got a bit depressed, and jumped right back up to fight his disease. The doctors would tell us any treatment at that point was just to prolong life. He responded very well to chemo, and it gave him another year to share with us, his family. His chances of beating the sickness were 8%, we all knew that but we all made a vow to fight it, spend time with him, make him feel comfortable, and try to lead a normal life whenever possible. Doctors may say one thing according to their experience, but in reality no one knows how long they have left on this world. All you can do is show your step dad how much you love him and how much you care about him. He needs you to be strong, to enjoy every single minute and every single moment with him, that is the gift you can give him. It is ok to cry and to feel down, but just remember tomorrow is not promised to anyone, enjoy every moment with your step dad, he may be with you a few months, a year,or a few years. Do not give up hope, look up to the future, be realistic about things yes, but also be hopeful and live, enjoy every moment with your step dad. That is the best gift you can give him. I know its hard, but try not to worry about the things you can't control, and instead cherish every single moment. We did that with my dad and i can tell you that even though I miss him a lot, I look back and I am glad I had the chance to show him and tell him how much I love him and how much he means to me. No one can take that away from you. Be positive, look on the positive side and be there for him because now he needs you more than ever. If you ever feel like you have a bad day, or need to vent, or just want to be heard, just come by and drop us a line. We will be here offering as much support as we can. Know that you are not alone in this. Big hug, -L

Niamh, It's ok. I know to us daughters, not having our Dads is something so new and it is just part of the process. I guess I am just wondering how that day will be. Thanks for the birthday hugs :-) DebFromLodi, It is true, daddy is in my heart, so he is not far away. It is just that there are days that I long for him and wished he were here, but like you said, I know my dad would be here if he could. I don't want stop missing my dad, because If I did....it would be like forgetting, and I dont want to ever do that. Thank God for so many happy moments and memories of him I get to cherish...for now those memories make me cry because I just wished he were physically with us his family, to keep on building more memories...... Thanks for your reply. -L

Suzanne, First of all let me say I am very sorry for your loss. What each one of us has endured with the loss of our loved ones is a unique and very personal experience. I am glad you told us your story, glad in the sense that telling others what we've gone through somehow helps us with the mourning process. My dad died from stomach cancer, I can relate to your story. Only thing I can say is this type of event makes us look at our own mortality and it is the harsh reality. Only God knows what is in store for each one of us, and the only thing we can do is live, really live because tomorrow is not guaranteed to anyone of us. For me, I don't know what I would have done had i not found this forum. I can vent, and read about other's stories and understand I am not alone in feeling what I feel. I say this because many of my friends have not experienced the loss of a husband, mother, father, brother, sister...so they can't quite understand what we go through. Same goes for my boyfriend, even though he is supportive, he can't understand, and at times I am just left with my close family and this forum to understand more about what I feel. I wished there were better things to say, but as you said, the Lord is carrying you through this and I have found that leaning on God has helped me soooo much, it doesn't take away the pain but makes it more bearable. I know this is a hard time for my mother, who is 53 and was married to my dad for 32 years. There is a special bond in marriage that when husband and wife are separated by death, it is tough trying to adjust to the new reality, and that's what she is going through, as I am sure you maybe experiencing something simmilar. My heart goes out to you, many many hugs to you and know that you are not alone in this, you have us...this family. a family that we joined not by choice..but by circumstance. What I find so great about here is that I can vent, and write whenever I feel like without being judged or being told I need to move on....losing my dad is all so new and I didnt know how others felt about their losses. Anyhow, take it one day at a time, that's how I do it. We have no choice but to keep going. -L

Sunday of next week it will be my first bday without Dad here. I am feeling a bit strange about it. I will be traveling and spend that entire weekend with my family: Mom, and two younger brothers. This year, I am having mixed emotions about it because Dad is not here to celebrate it with me and I just see no excitement in it and on the other hand, I will be spending it with my family 'cause I feel the most important moments of life should be spent with those close to your heart. I feel so strange and so different...I wonder who I am, who have I become after my father's passing. Seeing him happy made me happy, and this year I wont get to see that. And some may say, well a bday its only a number and only a day but to me it means those beautiful moments and memories built up over the years. I remember when I was 4 yrs old, Daddy gave me a purple umbrella for kids,I was so thrilled to have that umbrella knowing that Daddy bought it for me. For this year my bday wish is to see Daddy in my dreams as I have only seen him twice in dreams for these past 5 months. I will be with my family and I am glad to do that, it's just that it will feel a bit different, no joy. I really feel strange, has anyone else felt this way? -L

what a beautiful song!....simply beautiful and touching, soft and cute. It sure reminds me of my dad and his love for his family. The song brought a smile and tears to my face. Thanks for sharing -L