Daughter2010

People who haven't lost a loved one have absolutely no idea of what you are going through. It is true they may mean well, but it is just the way grief is. Yes we can go on with life, but at times it can feel like we are not making progress. Bottom line on this is we will never be the same. We are forever changed. However, with this being said, we realize that if we are still in this world, we must honor those who have passed on. We honor them by making an effort to go on, to make a life for ourselves, I am sure that is what they would want us to do. Of course, easier said than done but we must make the effort. Our loved ones are not gone forever, we are just separated for a period of time. Whether we like it or not, we can't change the way things are, but we know we carry our loved ones in our hearts and mind. I imagine my dad looking down from heaven and wishing nothing but the best for us. I think of it this way, If I were gone from this world, I would want my loved ones to make an effort to go on, I want them to be able to experience joy, and happiness again. Sure, it may not feel the same as before but we must make an effort. Don't worry about your friend telling you that, don't judge her or get upset. Always remember your mother wants the best for you, so whenever you are feeling down , hold on tight to that and keep going, if not for us, we must do it for them. Big hug to you, Liz

I'm not a mother, but a daughter and here is my perspective on it. I have two brothers, ages 29 and 22 and I'm the oldest. Dad passed away about a year ago, and even though the doctors had a good prognosis for his sickness, there were complications and he didn't make it. At first we were all hopeful including my father. When sickness took a turn for the worse, we were a bit in denial. I guess we were being strong for my father, and he was strong for us. My mom took it very hard as she was in denial too, but she is a strong woman too. She has been our rock in these times. My brother who is 29, has coped well. I believe he knew what the possibilities were and accepted the outcome quicker than everyone else. My brother says he knows daddy is in heaven and he watches over us. He has dreamed with dad a lot. In the dreams, my father gives him advice about something he is going through at the moment, so he knows he is not alone. He knows he needs to carry on my father's legacy and I believe that is what drives him now. My youngest brother, who is 22 is still in college, he plays the guitar and writes music. He is the quiet one in the family. He hasn't expressed a lot in his grief, but he knows my father wants him to succeed, to carry on with things. Mom has said he tells her when he feels sad, and he is grieving in his own way. After a year, I look back and yes we have grieved in different ways. We all help each other. We all feel comforted when we spend time together, like we always did. I believe Melina that you can only let them know you are there to listen if they ever want to talk or express things to you. Knowing that we grieve together helps us deal with things a little better. My mom misses my father very much but she is also aware that we need to carry on with dad's legacy and she wants to do all she can do to make sure we are able to go on when she is no longer in this world. Tomorrow is not promised to any of us,so she is looking ahead but also focusing in the present. Knowing that we carry on our father's legacy helps us stay connected to him, and in reality we are our father's kids, how could we not carry on with his teaching and his examples. Treat people well, be respectful of others, be considerate with those less fortunate, remember to be humble, care for one another, and everything we do we should give it 100%. These and many other examples, he set for us. Dad was no perfect person, but we focus on what he envisioned for his children, and carry on. That's my 2 cents. -L

Hello All, Thank you for your replies, it a bit comforting to know I am not going through this alone. All of us in one way or another are comforting each other in our grief. My trip was good. We had a memorial service Sunday morning, it was good to see my uncles, aunts, cousins wanting to honor my father. I could see their love for their brother, my father's legacy stays with them too, and that's good to know. I spent time with mom and my brothers. We didn't do anything extraordinary, but we spent time together, like we always did when Dad was in this world. I still found it a bit painful to watch photos of daddy in different family and work events because I could see how happy he was and just wished we could have him with us again. I guess, it wont be until I have accepted all that is going on, that I will be able to remember him without crying. Mom, is doing ok. She misses him terribly. Dad was a very special husband with her. She is carrying on with day to day stuff, and she wants to make sure we all take care of what my father left us, his legacy and of the state. My father worked so hard through his life to make a better future for us and we need to make sure we do the same. At times I felt lost and wanting my father's guiding hand so I could make sure I am doing the right thing. I know my father is not gone gone. He is in a different dimension, and watches over us. He left us plenty of examples to follow, and when I find myself in a particular situation I think of what he would have done, and it helps me deal with it a little better. Did I cry? yes, I cried watching photos of him, I also cried when I was alone at the house looking at some of his clothes. The crying is not as intense as it was a year ago, but the pain of the loss is still there. I have to carry on and I know my father would want that for us. That's all for now. -L

Wow...Thank you so much to all of you for your replies. Thank you because you do understand. We all are in this club we did not want to join, and each at our own pace are making our way through the rest of our lives. Niamh, I can't believe your boss suggested that to you. Mine just asks at times if there is anything he can do to help, I say no, because there is nothing that will change my situation, but at least he offers his help. As for friends, I lost contact with a long time friend of mine who lost his dad 6 years ago. I was introduced to him 6 months into his grief. A couple of months ago I wanted to ask him a question about his father and he said i couldn't ask him anything about that. I was a bit shocked because since he knows grief I thought he would understand. I was wrong, people can be very selfish. Also, one of the things that made me cry at one time was this past soccer world cup. My dad was always so much into sports, and on its first day I cried and cried and cried because I knew Daddy couldn't be here for this event. It may sound silly but that triggered so many tears... I don't have anything planned for tomorrow, I think I will just release a balloon to the sky for daddy, to let him know I will always be thinking of him. I will be traveling to spend the next few days with my family. This Sunday there will be a church ceremony in remembrance of him. When he was here, we spent quiet family time. We would go for dinner some place or simply visit a small town nearby or take a walk to appreciate nature. My father always enjoyed little things, for us spending time together was all that mattered. A big hug for you too. Butterfly, I will remember that. I do send hugs to him in heaven with Jesus. He can give the message to him :-) I will tell him my stories too. Remembering my father brings a smile to my face. I think of the things he enjoyed, the jokes he would make, and I can see him in my mind. I remember when he taught me how to ride a bike, when he gave me a little umbrella when I was 4 yrs old, when we would take a walk an appreciate nature and many many many more things. Sending a hug your way. Jodo, I don't live close to mom and brothers, but I call them everyday. That way we don't feel the distance and keep that sense of togetherness.I try to avoid the should haves, would haves as there is no point in beating myself over something we can't do much about, but I have told my father tons of times how much I love him and think of him. I know he gets that message somehow. I also tell my family how much I love them, I try to do that more often since we know tomorrow is not promised to any of us. Our loved ones need to know how important and how much they mean to us. Thanks for the kind thoughts, sending a hug your way as well. Sweetgirls, I only have a few pics of dad around the house. I have many more in my camera and pc but can't bring myself to see them because I burst in tears. I still have a stuffed animal daddy gave me when I was little. Call me a baby but I still have it as it reminds me of him. As for being in this world without our parents I guess we have to learn to keep going and make a life for ourselves after they are gone. They are not physically here but they are somewhere else. I believe the legacy of our parents is in us so that we are able to carry on with life and use what they taught us to get through it every day, every moment. We have to keep going for them. That is what I tell myself even when I am at my lowest. Hang in there, we will all get through this. Thanks for your thoughts and prayers. Lindakay, I will keep that in mind. My brother's dreams and the subtle signs we have experienced, bring some comfort. Thanks for sharing your experience. I am grateful for all of you. One thing I have learned is to be more compassionate of others because we need to help one another. We are doing ourselves a favor by sharing with others,even sharing sad moments and stories because it remind us we are not alone in what we feel. Thanks, -L

I have been going through the waves of grief. The first year of daddy's passing is coming up this Thursday. It is hard not to think about what was going on a year ago being in the hospital, and the doctors trying to do as much as possible so daddy could recover. It is a very sad time because I keep remembering all the nights my father spent in the hospital. Mom stayed by his side every single night. Daddy had been in the hospital since beginning of October last year. We didn't know that the cancer had spread to the abdomen. He didn't know. For all we knew, daddy had what a narrowing of the intestinal passage, and it was something treatable. My father was so brave through it all. What a lesson of courage to all of us. Can you imagine what is like to get the call saying your father has few days left? People who haven't lost a loved one have no idea what grief is like. We couldn't tell my father what the real situation was, but he somehow knew the moment was near. As soon as I got that call from mom, I arranged things to go travel to see him. I wanted to be by his side. My father is the world to me. In my mind I am still trying to understand the fact that my father is not in this world anymore, but more than a year ago he still was. I know my father is not in pain anymore, and I am certain he is in a different place, much prettier and peaceful and loving than here. However, that doesn't take away the fact that his family, is still in this world and missing him very much. This afternoon when leaving work I thought...wow....the first year is coming up, and I am I won't get to see daddy until it is my turn to go...and I wont get to have a hug from him, listen to his words of advice, listen to him laugh. I know he would say, I am fine now, keep going , don't waste one second of life, be happy. He wants us to be happy. The Lord must need him up there. I am thankful I got the chance to be by his side during his last days on earth. He left this world with a smile, and I know he is okay. Still, I can't help but miss him and wish things were different. The feeling of impotence is huge. None of my friends have lost a parent so of course when I bring up the subject of my father, they get quiet. They dont know what to say. At times I just want to say, say something....acknowledge my pain..but I know they can't relate. It bothers me because they dont quite understand I cant be as cheerful as before. I am not the same person as before. I do find joy in small things, but I just cant be expected to be the same person because I have changed. What kind of support can I get from friends who have not experienced grief? We have distanced ourselves somehow. I don't even know if the friendship will be the same. It doesn't matter now, my family is my main priority. I haven't seen my father in dreams since the first couple of weeks after his passing. I remember one dream from 11 months ago. That's about it, or at least that I can remember. I know he is ok, and I just ask if I can see him in dreams ok, if it's not possible I understand too. I do know seeing him in a dream would give me some comfort as to knowing things are going to be ok. My brother has seen him in lots of his dreams. I know my father watches over us. I just would love to be able to see him in a dream, to hug him and have that reassurance that only daddies can give to their children that things will be ok. How much I miss my father...what am I going to do with all the hugs and all the stories I want to tell him? This is hard to process. One moment at a time I guess. Thanks for listening, I needed to get this off my chest. -L

I agree with Ron. Being a daughter grieving his father's passing, I have found the entire process difficult, but I know it is a reality I need to live with. Losing a loved one is heartbreaking, but it somehow it makes us stronger. When I talk with my mother and brothers about my father and sometimes the tears flow down....it somehow makes us feel stronger because we grieve together. Loss is something we all deal with at one point or another in our lives. When we share our thoughts it somehow feels like little by little we are helping each other. Just being there helps. Before my dad passed I had not idea how I would deal with not having him here. I am surviving, we all are. Taking it one step at a time, little by little it gets better, and easier. It is important to stay together, like the family you have always been. That will help you through the worst of things. That has been my experience. -L

This is something I have been thinking about for a while. With my dad's passing I have gone through a period of adjusting, and at times I feel I don't know myself anymore. I loved reading and learning new things about the world, about science, technology, sports, etc etc etc. I am an intellectual but somehow I haven't feel as engaged in these things as before. I know I want to get back to things that inspire me. I have become more appreciative of nature, of the simple things, a smile, a hello, a hug, the sunrise, sunset, the sea,as all of this makes my heart merry I guess. The first 6 months I could not listen to music, all I heard was news as it didn't touch on any emotions. Now, I listen to music from time to time. I know my father wants me to go on and be happy and do things that inspire me. I have two new books sitting on my shelf I haven't touched, this is a good reminder to do just that. It is important to do our grief work and also being able to carry on to that legacy our loved ones left here. I have my ups and downs like everyone. Thank you Ron for that reminder. The things that inspire us don't just elevate our mood but soothe our soul and help us carry on. big hug for everyone, -L

Sharla, Good to hear from you again, you have been in my thoughts and prayers. I can sure understand the frustration, the anger, everything. It feels like his life is slipping away from you and there is not much that can be done to stop it. I went through something similar with my father. He did not share his fears or anything with his children, I do think he talked about it with my mom whenever they had a moment alone. It is true that you are the strong one in your family and you are acting according to what you feel is right or appropriate. I was curious about what you said about selling your dad's stuff. Is there any way that can be done when he is no longer in this world? I am not sure if that is being done because he wanted so or for another reason. I believe you have been doing what your heart dictates you to do. Be there for your father, give him lots of love, try to make him be as comfortable as possible. You said he lost his voice, so whichever way you guys are communicating, you can touch the subject of what he thinks of what is going on...to see if he wants to say something to you about his view on death possibly. I am not sure if your father believes in the afterlife or not. I am just saying all of this for you to think of ways of bringing comfort. You know your father, I don't. My father was always a firm believer in God, when we found out about his situation, he asked the Lord to cure him, or provide a way for him to get better. I know in my heart God gave us a year with my father. We took advantage to let him know one way or another we love him and that we will always be there for him. Is is sad to see them going little by little? Yes, but I also look back and there were little rays of light among the tragedy we were going through. Two days before his passing, my father talked to me in private, when mom was not near to tell me to take care of her always, even though he was looking to get better, we were going to seek treatment somewhere else... Do I believe there is life after death? yes, those days my father at times would look up to the ceiling as if he were seeing something or someone, and believe me, his mind was lucid, two hours before he passed on he was talking on the phone, he knew who we all were and everything, but I truly believe he somehow knew the end of his life on earth was near. When the doctors told us that day that he may not make it through the night, I at one point told him I was very proud of him and that it was ok because Jesus was always with us and with him. Few moments after my mom started saying thanks for everything she shared with him ( at this point he was not responsive, he was definitely listening but not talking or looking at us)and at one point he just took his last breath, looked at my mom and smiled at her, then closed his eyes. I am not saying this to push my beliefs on you or anyone, I am just telling you what I experienced. Now, almost 12 months later, I can say even though he is not physically here, he is somewhere else, and I carry him in my heart, and my thoughts. Love never dies. Is it hard to know he is not here to give him a hug or call him? of course, but at times I think..he lost his parents when he was 17 an he somehow carried on, made a life for himself and was the best father I could ever ask for. In the same way I need to carry on ( I am struggling with it, but must do it). Fathers always want the best for their kids, and I tell myself that. In my heart and mind I know I will see him again, not because religion tells me so but because I just know. The time that you have with your father cherish it, treasure it. Love conquers all and love prevails above everything. About your hubby's comment, I am guessing he was trying to help but his comment was way off base,try not to take it personal. You are a strong woman Sharla, and you are being very brave, just be there for your family, for your father because in the end, when he is not in this world those memories and that love will be with you always. I will keep you in my prayers, big hug for you. Please know you are not alone. -L

I am very happy for you Kay, what a beautiful answer to that prayer! Enjoy your day! -L

This has been a hard day. I miss my father with all my heart. Today it would have been his 59th birthday. I was on the phone with mom, earlier today and she is grieving her husband who was so dear to her, she described wonderful things about my father. Here we are wondering why things happened the way they did, why weren't we more aware that there could be a problem with his health from years ago. Stomach cancer is a silent sickness, no symptoms until it is very advanced. She lost her husband, I lost my father. I know my dad lives on in another dimension, but we still in our human condition, cannot grasp why he was called from this world. We miss him every day. If he were with us physically, he would have a great cake, and we would have had a day in family like we always did for the past 32 years. My father was a healthy man. Yet, he was the first one to leave this world. How can one ever understand that? My mother is grieving deeply and I wish there would be something I could do to alleviate that pain, but I know that can't be done. Through my faith, I know we don't get answers to all of our questions here in this world. I just know me and my family have to keep going. My father is known to be a great man, very humble and noble of character. How do you not miss someone like that? I am thankful to God for giving me the privilege to have the father I got. Tonight I am just feeling a bit angry, a bit sad and playing the movie over in my head. A year ago I was with him to celebrate his bday but he had been admitted to the hospital because he had problems....we didn't know we were just running out of time. My mom is playing that movie in her head as well and how do we not miss my father? Why was he taken from us? It is painful to remember those times, but inevitable. Why do other people get to enjoy their daddies well in their 80s? I didn't. I can't say he lived a long life. I'm feeling a bit angry and i know that won't change the fact that my father is not in this world now. We feel incomplete without dad. It was always the 5 of us, now it is 4 of us. I remember when we would go on car trips to small towns and visit different places, he loved that. He loved nature, and children, and sports and friendship and many many things. Daddy,I love you and miss you very much. I know I will see you again, its just that now your absence hurts a lot. Thank you all for listening. -L

Hello, I don't think you tried too hard. You were just expressing concern and showed support to your co-worker and that is OK. Don't obsess about how he responded or whether he was too busy to talk. Just be aware that when we grieve, there may be times where we want to be left alone and others where we may want to reach out or feel the need to talk to others. I am not sure if you have lost a loved one, but my advice to you would be to just be yourself and try to pick the best time of the day to talk to him. I lost my father almost a year ago, and I was very surprised to find out who was really there for me. People who you think you knew, turn out to walk out on your pain, and others who you don't relate to much, show enormous support. Another tip for you is, unfortunately, we will miss that loved one for the rest of our lives, and whether it is true we know we must go on, we just are not the same people we were prior to the loss. So, just be gentle and supportive with this person, and be aware that a loss is not something you just end up getting over, but rather learn to process and learn to adjust to. That adjustment may well take up the rest of our lives. I don't mean to portray a depressing picture to all of this, because it is true eventually one can remember to laugh about small stuff, but the pain and the grief of losing that person, will remain with us in one way or another. It is very nice of you to have that gesture towards your co-worker, and let him know you want to provide support in any way you possibly can ( if you mean it of course). I say this because many people say they will provide support buta few days later it seems like they have forgotten about the bereaved. This is just my piece of advice to you, hope I didn't sound too direct but I just wanted to provide some insight into grief that I hope can be of help to you and your co-worker. Thanks, -L

Hello, First of all let me express my condolences for your father's passing. Sorry for the late reply as well. I am surprised no one replied to your post. I can't provide much advice on this as I haven't gone through this experience just yet. My father passed away almost a year ago, my mom does not see herself dating anyone just yet. From what you say it seems you and your mother need to talk about this. She is obviously an adult and can decide for herself, but I think it is only right to have a conversation with you about this. Differences can be reconciled or at least be dealt with through communication. That's just my 2 cents. -L

Hello Chai!! Good to hear from you. From your story I can see you are in the middle of so much drama, and the way I see it, it shouldn't be that way. I understand all the time and dedication that M gave to your father, but I think at this point she is making statements about her relationship with your father that are out of line. Yes, she may have the best of intentions, but unfortunately she seems a bit unstable. If she flips out it is going to cause a lot of unnecessary stress. I once had a boss who was bipolar and believe me, they flip out in the blink of an eye. Whether it is true she may mean well, I also see that she is making statements that may be a bit manipulative, and that is simply not right. She should respect the fact that you are your father's daughter. Plus, I am sure your father would understand that on the given circumstances it is not the safest thing for her to handle the ashes. If this woman becomes angry or bitter about your decision, just let her cool off on her own, you do not need to make up to her. I don't think you are doing anything wrong. Remember, her relationship with your father may well have been important but that does not entitle her to tell you that yours is not, if that is the way things are going now, can you imagine what it would be like in India? The logical response to this would be for her to hand the ashes over to you, given that it is not recommended for her to go. About the bond and friendship you established with her, if she is a good friend, she also will understand that because of her inability to travel to that region, and because she is your friend, and because you are your father's daughter, it is only right that you handle the ashes. I hope I didn't sound terribly straightforward but the fact that she said her relationship is superior to yours with your father, irritated me. All in all, you know what is best and you will make the decision that feels right for you. Let us know how it goes, and don't let things stress you out that much. I am sure your father wants you to be ok, not to feel upside down for a situation like this. Hugs to you -L

I think in time we learn to live with the pain of losing. Every night I think about the many things and moments I would have gotten to enjoy with my father if he were here to hug him and tell him. But I also know in time i will get my chance to tell him all , when it is my turn to go. The first few months of grief i could not do much or concentrate on anything, if at all I was able to somewhat focus on work. The pain remains there but it is not as excruciating as it was in the beginning. This does not mean we will stop missing them, quite on the opposite I think about my father everyday and I will miss him for the rest of my life. That is simply life, and I think going through this experience, makes us all more aware of others pain, and we become more compassionate. Early on my grief I learned not to put a time table on my feelings but just to let them be. At times I have felt lonely, and others I have felt surrounded by too many. As we go through this journey our feelings and emotions will change, it doesn't mean the pain goes away but rather we learn to live with it and still do what we need to do in life. We just know that we have to keep going and we simply do that. I know I am not the same person I was before my father passed on. I don't expect to be the same though. I may laugh less, or find some jokes stupid or see things in a completely different way. Is that bad? I don't think so. If my friends find me different...who cares. I have the right to feel the way I do, if they are my friends they will be understanding of that and give me my space and be ready for me when I need them. What would it be of us if we didn't have memories to hold on to? Memories of good and bad times. What if we had no recollection of the great moments we spent with our loved ones. How would we honor their memory? Maybe I am rambling a little bit, but all I wanted to say is that the pain and loneliness will get easier. I do think we will always feel the loss but we will learn to live with it and keep going. So don't dismay and don't be too hard on yourself. Big hug for you, -L

Melina, First of all, don't be silly. People here discuss their marriages and feelings, frustrations, grief, etc. None of us are perfect and I am sure everyone who is or was married at some point does not have a perfect marriage. I am glad you are writing about your issues as this is the first step towards healing. If I could give you a real hug I would, but a cyber hug would do :-). My mother at times feels guilty for not doing enough for my dad but in reality we did all we could do. Unfortunately we cannot foresee circumstances like this, and all we can do is let our loved ones know how much we appreciate them and love them. Whether that is with an "I love you" or doing something for them, etc. You said it yourself you have 4 sons that turned out just fine, so do not beat yourself up. Your marriage of almost 30 years was a roller coaster but I am sure no one's is perfect. Try to let go of the guilt. We are a group of grieving people with our own issues and one of many things in common...we are grieving a loss. Go easy on yourself and remember to take things day by day. Please know that you are cared for here, so don't feel like you don't belong. We are here to listen to you and provide assistance in any way we can. -L

I second that!!!! Life is better lived when every obstacle is an opportunity for us to grow and be better people. I think if we only took the time to think about every little or big thing that happens to us and reflect on our character, we would be so much better. Life is a learning process, and adversity should rather be viewed as something to overcome rather than to drown in.

Hello, Yes I do think society is not fully educated on grief, as it is something people perceive as not a subject of discussion when in reality talking about it is what really helps others going through this. I almost lost it today with someone I considered a friend. I've known him for almost 6 yrs and i know he lost his father 6 months prior to being introduced to me. At the time I had no idea about grief, but now I do. Today I decided to ask a question about his father, I wanted to be able to talk about my loss with someone who has gone through a similar experience. What I found was a resounding no, which i found a bit surprising but in a way understandable. Maybe he is one of those people who doesn't want to share his experience, who knows. I did express my thoughts and I told him I thought he would be understanding of my situation and would be willing to talk about it with me. To top things off I told him I guessed I never knew him well enough to know he wouldn't be supportive. But in a way I didn't feel his support. I cant make him talk about his father but I sincerely thought I would get a different reaction. Like I said, maybe I never knew him well. Then I thought about it and reflected on how I handle friendships and it just reinforced the idea of being very selective regarding who you talk to about your grief and loss. There will people willing to listen and be compassionate towards others, but some others will be just submerged in their own world, too selfish to look around to help others. Your true friends will understand or at least try to, and i guess the benefit of this is yes you may lose some friendships, but you too will make new ones and those will be people that will stand by you in any situation. So, all in all realizing not everyone can handle your pain or my pain is a good thing because it teaches you something about yourself, your character and how you perceive life and friendship. That is all that really matters. -L

Hello urbabygirl79, First of all, my condolences on your father's passing. My father passed away 10 months ago from cancer. His was discovered at stage 3, and even though he responded incredibly well to chemotherapy and surgery, it was just not enough, we ran out of time. He was 58 years old. All of us on this site have lost a loved one, father, mother, grandmother, grandfather, husband, wife...etc and can understand the pain of a loss. Each loss is unique and very personal. While your experience and his passing was sort of expected, it was also a bit of a shock given the short time from diagnosis to death. My heart goes out to you in this time of pain, and you may be wondering how this process goes, why you feel the way you do and let me say the reactions experienced are quite normal in the grieving process. One day you may be feeling just ok and the next you will feel crushing pain,anger, etc. No one gives us a manual on how these things are supposed to be processed and I guess it is simply a very personal experience to just describe how you are supposed to feel or what you are supposed to do during this time. I did not understand the way I felt, everything felt so surreal, I was in disbelief, sorrow, a bit of anger, etc. For now, please make sure you take care of yourself as in the early days and months it is important to care for your physical, mental and emotional health. It is also extremely important that you allow yourself to grieve. Do not put a time table on grieving or the recovery process. Each one of us goes at our own pace. If you feel the need to talk to someone please do maybe to family and friends who are willing to listen. Also be aware that there maybe times you may feel like being alone, and others you will want to seek company. It is different for each one of us, but please know that we understand your pain and feel free to come by and drop us a line if you want to talk, vent, etc. We are here for you. Each day for me is a learning process, I will remember and miss my father until it is my turn to leave this earth, but I also know in my heart that he wants the best for me and I want to honor him in every way possible. There are many questions I have for God and they may or may not be answered on this earth. I am grateful for every single moment I got to spend with my father and like I was telling mom a while ago, just because dad is not in the physical form doesn't mean he ceased to exist, he is just in another dimension. Sending you a big big biiiigg hug, know that you are not alone in this. Take care, -L

Our faith is shaken to the core when we experience the passing of a loved one. When we knew my dad's health was going downhill it was very difficult to understand how or why this was happening to us. I pleaded with God for daddy, as we many times prayed for his healing. I just could not quite understand why He allowed this to happen. I know we are humans, and not perfect and we are bound by physical death, but in the middle of that we wanted to be able to have dad with us. In the middle of dad's passing we ( my family) were grateful to God for let us spend time with dad, I look back and God gave us so many blessings, my dad was fortunate to follow his dreams despite a difficult childhood. The night dad passed, felt a bit strange, but I know daddy is ok. a couple of days before his passing, he was seeing people that we didn't see. I believe he was looking into the other dimension if you will. When it is my time to go, I want my father to be there. When it comes to faith, for me it is not a matter of being a church goer, but a believer. Years before daddy passed I experienced what is to have a personal relationship with God, getting to know him as knowing a close friend. When we experience loss, our beliefs are shaken to the core and we realize the dimension of our own mortality. We question the whys, hows of life. I found it very difficult to pray during the first few months of my grief as I would just cry and cry and cry. But God knows that, He knows what is in our hearts and like Kayc said, He can take it, and it feels good to be able to give our burdens, and worries and sadness onto Him because He understands. I did not question my faith, but rather questioned why things like dad's passing happen to people. Do I feel sad and miss my father? of course I do. But we have no choice but to keep going. All along my faith has carried me through even on the moments where I felt despair and loneliness. There are things I don't understand now but I know God is in control and there is a reason and purpose behind everything that goes on in earth. Once on the radio I heard God loves us with perfecting love, and sometimes we do not understand why things happen. I am thankful for God being there yesterday, today and tomorrow. That's just my two cents. Big big hug to everyone here, I am thankful I found you guys too. Have a good day. -L

Niamh, Thanks for pouring your heart out and being honest about how you feel. I am sending you a big big biigggg hug your way. As bereaved daughter, I understand how you feel. Aug 28 it was 10 months since Dad passed and there is not a single day that goes by that I don't miss him, or wished he were here. However, I also in my mind understand that is not possible, and the first thought that comes to mind is I know my father would not want me to be sad or depressed all the time, even though I feel that way sometimes. Just the day before yesterday I was looking at some photos and notes that dad's acquaintances and friends wrote about him and it brought lots of tears to my eyes, as every word written brought to the surface many memories of him. I found that moment very special because even though it felt very sad, I also felt grateful for being able to have a father like him. I believe that even though he is not here physically with me, he is somewhere else and that his legacy lives on in my family, my brothers,mom, myself, and many others he met through his life. I also think of if at the end of my life (whenever that may be), I realize I did not do much with it, dad would be disappointed to know I didn't move forward or at least tried to follow my dreams, ambitions, a bucket list...etc. The road is not easy, and I am aware this process is unique to each one of us. I look back at the weeks that followed dad's passing and I wonder how I was able to function. This has been such a journey. I did not ask for it, nor to join this club but I also know that sooner or later we all have to experience this. I have a photo of my family with dad included by my nightstand, and every night and every morning I look at it to remember him, to even say hi to him...as silly as that may sound. Doing this brings me some kind of comfort, also in my prayers I have asked the Lord to give me comfort as He said...blessed are those who mourn , for they will be comforted, and I keep going. I admit getting my head together in terms of moving forward with dreams and plans has been difficult. The first 6 months I just couldn't get past the crushing pain of this loss and at times I didn't know who I was anymore. I am little by little taking baby steps in the forward direction which feels good, and I wish daddy would be here to share the excitement and joy and listen to his advice, but that is not possible. However in my heart I know he would be glad to know that we ( my family) are making progress little by little. Dad has always been a selfless person, always worrying about others more than himself and wherever he is I want him to be happy. God, and my family (including daddy) keep me going. I know there will be sad days and difficult ones but I know I am not alone in this. I am thankful to God I found this place, I am thankful for my family and just thankful to know that the Lord knows about my pain,so I can be comforted. I will say to you do not set your mind on how tomorrow will feel, focus on getting past today. For me what has helped me is giving my burdens, sadness, fears onto the Lord and keep going. I am sure your father wants the best for you Niamh. I will keep you in my prayers. Please let us know how we can help you, and know that you are not alone....as there is a time to mourn, there is also a time to laugh.... Be patient with yourself, lots of hugs to you. - L

Shelley, I am so HAPPY for you!!!!!!!!!! Congratulations on the new job! This is another step forward on your life, we are so proud of you for trying hard and keep going. We know there may be stumbling blocks on the road but being able to overcome them gives us such satisfaction and the feeling of...yes we can!!!! Here goes a cyberhug for you! :-) -L

Although mine is not a spouse loss, but a parent loss....I too want my dad to welcome me into Heaven. Today I was thinking of how much I miss him, and how many things I want to tell him. One day, when it is my turn, I will see him again. - L

Hello Tori, Well, from the information you provided it sounds to me like your behavior is normal. If I were in your shoes, I would be very upset with this man. He has lots of issues to resolve and unfortunately his behavior is affecting how your granddaughter and your great grandson react. It is understandable that you want peace and quiet, you always had that in your family. You allowed them to stay with you and you witnessed behaviors and situations that are not acceptable for people. It is true that no one is perfect, but when your great grandson is suffering the consequences of his father's acts, that is simply inexcusable. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about what other people may think or say about you from what this man tells them. I don't even understand why he resents his son, when children are to be loved and cared for, to be taught good manners and teach them good values, for life. I also was wondering, could it be that you are upset with this man because the moment your daughter passed on, he became disrespectful towards you? The main point here is that whether your daughter is dead or alive, he should respect each and everyone around him, period. You can't make him be a different way, so there is no point in being angry or holding a grudge towards this man. It is not worth it. Your grand daughter needs to look and her situation and see what can be done, but also always respecting you and being understanding of your needs. Be there to provide support for her, she and her son are your family. Her husband needs to figure out his problems on his own and you shouldn't have to carry that burden with you, and neither should you carry the burden of a grudge, as it can build into resentment and ultimately bitterness. The love and kindness you have received,you will give it to your grand daughter. Remember in life we can only do so much, and we can try to protect our loved ones as much as possible but in the end we are just human beings. Just be there for your grand daughter if she seeks your advice, and now that you have peace at home, I think it will also allow you to grieve your daughter's passing. That's just my 2 cents, -L

I can relate to it. Mom and live in different places of the world. When my dad passed away leaving her was the hardest thing I had to do. A week after Dad passed I came back 'cause I had to work. I didn't want to. All I wanted was to be there for my mom and my brothers. It has been 10 months...feels like a long time but also feels like yesterday. I had promised my father I would not leave mom alone, and I have tried to keep that promise. Even though I am not physically with her, I call her everyday. I think it helps her and helps me too. She has been sooo strong through this time, I want to do everything in my power to make sure I support her in her grief or help her anyway possible. It can get overwhelming, but I think for me, listening to her and her grief helps me understand her more, understand more about dad. I don't want her to ever feel she is alone because she isn't. It is true dad isn't here physically, but I think he is (yes, present time 'cause he is in another dimension now)a very wise man. Doing this has helped me with my grief as well. Some times I tell mom things i remember about dad, even though it makes us cry a little, it also brings a smile to our faces. Even if it is just to say hi to mom or to talk about dad or to talk about her day, I try to make sure she knows I am there for her. Not sure if I am doing an ok job, but we know that hopefully in a couple of years we can be together in one place and I am able to help her a lot lot more. I know that grief can be overwhelming, but at least in my case staying connected has helped us both through this journey. If anything, I think this experience has helped me get closer with my family, even though we always have been, it now feels like we are getting through this, together. My words of advice would be try to be patient with your mother. When we have such loss like this one, it feels so new and we don't know how to react, what to do or even understand how we are feeling ourselves, let alone others. Be kind to yourself, and the way I see it is if mom tells me about her grief, it may be painful and it may hurt to see her like that, but I also know it helps her because she needs to let that out and by listening to her I think she feels the support is there in one way or another. There is no manual or written instructions on how to deal with this experience, just remember to take things one day at a time. Hugs, -L

Congratulations Shelley!!! I am very happy for you. I am glad you kept on trying and trying, that is how it should be. We should not be discouraged to pursue our projects, dreams etc. I am glad you are doing just that, keep going no matter what. Little by little, hopefully everything will fall into place. Your parents are watching over you. Each day is an opportunity to experience situations and hopefully get the positive out of them. Even in the middle of our grief, we should learn to appreciate every moment, every minute of our existence, and keep going for our loved ones. Congratulations again! I am very excited for you!!! -L