closs86

I just don't know what else to say tonight, I am just anticipating going home on Tuesday, and seeing his remains, I want to be near him, I am scared, I was very dependant on him, I don't really drive and he just took care of everything, I hope I can go on without him by my side.

thank you all for leaving me such heartfelt messages, I look at his pictures and I get an overwhelming feeling like I can't breathe, I know it is an anxiety attack, As soon as I get home I am going to go for some counseling, I hope it can help me. I will go home on Tuesday, I have to see all his things, and smell him, and he is going to be home with me, he was creamated, and at least he will be home again. My heart hurts, I loved him so much it hurts, I hope I find the strength to keep going for my kids and grandchildrens sake. The counselor recommended a book called How to Go on Living When Someone You Love Dies, by Therese A Rando, what I have read so far almost describes some of the things that I am feeling. I am happy that I found someplace to go when I am scared, and need people who understand what I am feeling. All of these responses are one sadder than the other, My heart and prayers goes out to all of you, thanks for your support, I really appreciate it and need it.

On Tuesday April 6, 2010, my life came to a crashing halt, my husband of 43 years died within 3 weeks of being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, I am in total shock, and am very numb, It all started about 9 weeks ago, he was perfect, walking 3 miles a day, eating what we thought was a healthy diet, and not complaining about anything, then suddenly he started complaining about feeling bloated and indigestion, which got worse each day, we went to the family doctor, he treated him for h pylori, but in the next 2 days he looked worse and worse so we went to a gastroenterologist who did an endoscopy and found he had an ulcer, but decided to take a sonagram which turned out to show something going on in his liver, they scheduled a cat scan for the next day, we received a call from the doctor that afternoon telling us to pick up the tests and get to an emergency room in one of the big hospitals which we did, we went to Sloane Kettering in Manhattan, they admitted him and when they were done testing him, they diagnosed him with pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and body cavity, then the nightmare really began, the next day blood clots broke loose from his legs and went into his lungs, the blood clots were from the pancreatic cancer, the clots were to many to target with something called t p a which would of broken the clot up. So we just waited for his body along with medication to bring his blood pressure back up, but that never happened, his pressure was being kept up to not even a safe number artificially, He just got worse and worse every single day, until April 6th the worst dAY OF my entire life, he stopped breathing, I just can't believe it, I am sick to my stomach, I don't know how to live without him, he was me and I was him. I wish I would of gone with him. How could these things happen? My heart is broken and if you can die from a broken heart I know I will.