closs86

Hi Nats,and Kay, I feel the same way, I hate to ask them to do things, they are so busy with their own things, but like you say we are blessed to have them, It seems everytime they come to visit me there is something that they fix, I try to do things myself, pulling ladders upstairs to change lightbulbs, and whacking the weeds, and I try to do it, but the car was my husband's thing, he was the mechanic, and always did everything for it. I haven't driven in years, but since this, I have been going a little at a time, I have no choice, I must drive. this really stinks, I wish he was here, this is just so hard, Hope you had a decent day today Nat, I try every day to have some peace, I hope that we all find it one day. Take care Hugs Karen

Hi Hope you are feeling a little better, every event or occasion is going to be so hard for us, and we think about it weeks before, so by the time it comes we are built up and ready to explode, we can't do anything to change it, that is how it is going to be, It is so draining on our bodies, we were dealt a terrible hand, and who knows why, I am so heartbroken, there is no way to explain the feelings we have inside, only people that are going through it would understand, my friends and family have been wonderful, but at the end of the day, it is just me and the dogs. Take care of yourself Hugs Karen

Dear Joe, I am so very sorry for the loss of your wife, she was so young, I also lost my husband on April 6, he was fine, then had a stomach ache, and within 3 weeks he was diagnosed and gone, so the shock is sometimes still with me. It is very hard to accept this tragedy, and I do understand and feel the same way about what is our purpose now, what is the difference, nothing matters anymore, I know what you mean. This is a wonderful place to come and talk to other people that really do understand what you are feeling, I will keep you in my prayers, God Bless Karen

Dear Wendy, I am so sorry for your loss, what a terrible thing to happen, it is not your fault if he needed a heart he wouldn't of made it without it, That was shocking, your thought everything would be o k, then bad news, I am so sorry, June 7th, it is still so new, do you have any children, anyone that you can reach out to, someone to talk to, this is a really terrible hand that we were dealt, I lost my husband April 6, within 3 weeks from diagnosis of pancreatic cancer to gone, it is very hard, one day and one minute at a time, This is a great site, the people here really understand, and they try to help you understand what you are feeling, so come back often. God Bless Karen

Hi Redwind, Do you have anyone that you can ask to help you out when you have to make decisions or get something done,?, They keep telling me we have to reach out and ask for help, and people will help us, they are just waiting for us to ask. Wasps in your walls? oh my goodness, I am petrified of bees, did they come and take care of that? I hope so. Our whole life has changed, it is hard to make big decisions alone. Take care of yourself God Bless Karen

Hi Alone, How was your Fathers day, were you with your daughter? I was with my son, daughter in law and grandkids, it was tough, I am glad that it is over, the anticipation is what makes us sick I think Take care Karen

Hi Alone, Today was a tough one for all of us, I understand when you say you want to go hide somewhere, hope your day was o k, I had my son his wife and my grandsons all day, we were always together on father's day, and would have a bbq, my other son had to work today, so we just ate dinner and I am glad that it is over, it was strange father's day without grandpa. God Please give us all strength Karen

Hi Marion Hope you got through this day ok, glad that it is over, well we always made a fuss on father's day, making dinner and everyone coming over, everything in our lives has changed, and I don;t understand why or really how to get used to it. But we just don;t have a choice, I wish I had a magic wand and could change things, but it dosen't work like that, so we just have to get up, try to get through our day the best we can, some are better than others, and go to bed, that is what life has become for me. what a shame, Praying for peace for all of us Karen

Hi Chris, I am so sorry for your loss, and I think we all have these feelings, the feeling of guilt is part of grief, there are so many emotions involved, sadness, guilt, anger, it is like a roller coaster ride, you never know what will trigger these feelings, I lost my husband April 6, suddenly and unexpected to pancreatic cancer, in 3 weeks, so I can't really give you to much advice, as I am still in a turmoil myself, but they keep telling us that it will get a little easier, never go away just easier. I hope that you come back, people are wonderful here, they really understand, it is a great place to vent, just knowing other people are feeling what you are helps, and you know that you are not crazy. Come back often Take care Karen

Hi Nats, You always have a kind word, thanks, you are right we have to meet our fears head on, it is not easy but it is true afterwards you feel a little more in control, you are very wise, thanks for helping me out. I had my son, my daughter in law and the kids all day today, so we were able to get through father's day, My son got my car in tip top shape, changed the battery and the fan belt, I didn't want him to do it today, it is father's day, and he is a father, but he insisted. I am glad that Johnny's birthday and father's day are behind me, I had a lot of anxiety about them. Well I better try to get some sleep, I didn't sleep solid the past few nights, hopefully tonight I will, the kids knocked me out. God Bless Karen

Hi Marion, I want to tell you how sorry I am for both of your losses, I lost my husband suddenly after 44 years, I know how much your heart aches, there is no easy way to get through tomorrow, but somehow we all will, do you have any other family that you could spend some time with tomorrow?, or friends, it might be good to be with someone for part of the day, It is horrible this journey that we are on, God Bless Take care Karen

loved the car rides karen

Hi Nats, I am glad that you got through the day, it is so tough, I am anticipating fathers day now, my son is coming over with his wife and children, and I know that Johnny was not my father, but he was the father of our children, so I don't want it to be a repeat of last week, with his birthday. I am happy that your friend Brenda has helped you get through some of the tough days, that is really good. and so wonderful that you have company and maybe someone to go have dinner with. Your children sound wonderful, telling you to go where god tells you, that is very understanding. It is good that you are making the bathroom and bedroom yours, you are a strong person, and I admire you for that. I went to the gym for the first time since johnny passed, not that we used to go to the gym, but we used to walk around a park that was a 3 mile walk every day, I can't go back to the park, and I didn't want to walk anymore, but my son added me onto his membership at bally's, a few weeks ago, and finally today, I was bored, nothing to do, so I decided to try, I went and I walked on the treadmill, maybe that will give me a place to let out some anger and frustration. I don't know Nat, I feel so alone, sad, scared, angry, everything, I don't think I will ever feel normal again. Take care Karen

Hi Redwind, I am so sorry for your loss, we all understand here, as Nats said, I lost my husband on April 6, suddenly also, never got a chance to prepare, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and 3 weeks he was gone, so I understand not getting a chance to prepare. It is horrible, and lonely, and scary, and sad. I don't know the emotions are like a roller coaster, every day is different, I am also angry alot, I wasn't in the beginning but now I seem to be angry more, and I hate that feeling, no patience, short tempered, I just hate it. Johnny and I were never apart for 44 years, except when I had my 2 children, so I am really lost, I didn't drive, he did all the driving, so now I have to start after not driving for at least 12 years, so many things have changed, I wish that I would have gone with him or before him, but that didn't happen, so now what?, all i can say is one minute at a time, even if that seems like a lot, that is all we can do. Take care of yourself, try to eat and hopefully sleep Karen

hi cheryl, we are all here with you, suffering the same pain, just a different person, hope you had a decent day Take care Karen

Hi Lainey It was beautiful the balloons, and very hard,I hope that you find some comfort in doing it. I had some family visit today from Md, I enjoyed the company, but I feel alone now, I pray that we have a decent weekend with fathers day and all, I have no plans for sunday, I don't know if that is good or bad. Take care Karen

lying in bed watching t v, and scratching his back, and he would make desert, miss him so much karen

Hi Me and Johnny also always held hands, his hands were also so strong, I miss him so much it hurts my heart. Take care Karen

Hi Bill You are right my Johnny would never ever have left me if he could help it, he thought he was coming home until a few days before he passed, I just wish I could find some answer, although I know that i can't. But I do know that we will be together again someday. Take care Karen

Hi Nats, I know how hard today must have been for you, I wish you peace and strength, I am so sorry that your 1st anniversary had to be so sad. God Bless, Karen

that does make sense Karen

Hi Suzanne, I am so sorry for your loss, I lost my husband of 44 years in April, I know the feeling of wanting to go with him, and I do all the time, I also wouldn't do anything to myself but I wish the time would be here, I just want to be with him again, but I have to say that for the first month I didn't feel him around me, then all of a sudden I did, I kept asking him to come to me and stay with me until it is time for me to go, and I do feel his presence, he is with me all the time, I talk to him alot, I wish that it was like it was before, but we can't change that, so I just can't see him but he is here. This is a great place to express yourself, I know that people just don't get it, they do say silly things, but I think it is because they just don't know what to say, they would be better off saying nothing. Half of us is gone, never to return, so sad Take care of yourself Karen

Hi Cheryl, So sorry for your loss, I also lost my husband April 6, and I have done just what you said, gardened, cleaned organized, and so on, trying to keep my mind busy all the time, back to work, pushing myself every single day, I am very lost without him, my husband passed suddenly from pancreatic cancer, 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, but a motorcycle accident, horrible, so sorry, we were together 44 years, this is a strange new life, that I didn't want. Take care Karen

Hi Bill Another day, one day into the next, they are all blending together, our emotions are like a roller coaster, anger is part of it, we are angry that they were taken, it is very hard to control these feelings, one minute you are crying then really mad the next, it feels like you are losing your mind, I think that we are all having these crazy feelings, part of the grief, disgusting isn't it??????? Why did this have to happen, I don't know who I am mad at anymore, today I was angry at Johnny, because some people believe that you choose when you are going to leave the earth before you are born, if this is true, why would he choose to leave me like this, I don't know if I can believe he would choose to leave me. I just don;t know what to believe anymore Take Care Karen

Hi Lainey I don't think you are crazy at all, I also believe in an afterlife, like you say I have to or I would not be able to go on, knowing that I will be with him again is what keeps me going. I wish I would dream of him more, I talk to him all the time, and know that he is watching me, I just know he is with me. Hugs Karen