closs86

Hi Suzanne I totally understand how you are hurting, I also lost the love of my life on April 6, in 3 weeks he went from a healthy man to gone. I don't understand why this is happening to us, or how to handle it. I am still in shock, but I understand how you feel, because I also feel like that, I feel like I am just waiting for him to come for me, and eventually I am sure that it will happen, we just don't know when., We will be with them again. You have to believe that, But you have to wait until it is time, or you won't be with him. Go to your docter and tell him that you need a therapist and I am sure he will give you someone, I think you should go as soon as you can, he will help you. I know what you are talking about when you say you are empty inside, I feel like that also, I go through the motions, but that is it my insides are ripped out. I miss him so much, I am still thinking that this is a terrible dream and that he will show up soon. I am having a had time, accepting it, even though I know that it happened. We have a very hard road ahead, but many have traveled it before us, moment by moment, day by day, that is all we can do. Today was really hard for me, very depressed, staring in his closet looking at his things, very hard I have a knot in my stomach. Take Care Karen

Hi Suzanne, So sorry for your loss and your pain, My husband didn't even get a chance to fight, 3 weeks from diagnosis to gone, it was aggressive, and had spread, no signs, at all, and once the signs started every day was straight downhill, He also was a very strong man, I never thought that this would happen to him. I have a picture of him from a week before he started to get sick, and he looks perfect, Well I am having a real bad day today, so I just better go to sleep, my best time sleeping. Well Goodnight, and I hope we all find peace Karen

Dear Kat So happy you found some peace, maybe we all will some day Karen

Hi I also just started writing a journal, and it seems I am writing to Johnny, he passed on April 6th, and all of a sudden I decided I was going to write what I felt down, and noticed that I am writing to him, it seems to somehow make me feel a little better. I just started it a couple of days ago, I also just got the urn for his ashes that was pretty hard, but now he is in his new home right next to me on the nightstand, with his picture, and that makes me feel good, he is with me again. I just took a pill to sleep and I think I had better shut down now, I will come back tomorrow night Good night Karen

Dear Kayc I hope your right, I know what I am looking for, a group of people that are where I am and just need to talk and try to comprehend what happened, I worked today and I am very tired now, the fish club came and took my husband's aquarium fish, I didn't want them to die, it was hard to give them up, he just loved them. Well I better go to bed, i am going to try to work again tomorrow. Good night karen

Hi Kayc Well my son came over yesterday to help me, and drove me ti the place where the group was being held, This one was a dissapointment, There were 8 people in all, 3 of whom I know we would of connected if we would of continued, but the others were there more for a social group, and then there was one man who I know was sad and grieving, but hard to deal with, too loud, obnoxious, and trying to take everyone for coffee, that is not why I am seeking out help, The counselor was getting a little impatient with him also, so when it was over a few of the women said that they were not coming back, so now I will try another one in June, hopefully I will find what I need and am looking for. Very emotional day today and yesterday, I am going to try to go to work tomorrow, all I can do is try Take care Karen

Dear Kay I have to keep busy or I will lose my mind, I can't stay idol, so I try to force myself to do things that I never did before, but always watched him do or did it with him, and try to do it. It is to bad that you are so far away from the grocery store, that is hard, I live on an avenue, and it is pretty busy with people and all kinds of stores. It is good because like I said I haven't driven in years, and I know that is my next challenge, I will have to. I am going to group counseling tomorrow night for the first time, hoping they can help me accept what has happened, as I don't think I have or can. I also miss his hugs and kisses and his presence, it hurts so much Take care karen

Hi Nat Thanks for the support, these small steps are scary, Everything I am doing we did together or Johnny did it for me, very hard, 100% life change for me, he took care of me. It is not going to be easy Karen

Hi Susie What you say makes sense to me, having the courage to do the things Johnny always did for me, that is what is starting to happen, I am having to do things for myself, Johnny would be proud of me, I know he would, Thanks Karen

Hi Everyone, I went back to work today, very hard, but I stood the whole day, I am going to the group on Monday, so many firsts on my own, going on the train to the counseling, haven't been on the train in years, have a license, but Johnny always drove, haven't driven in years, but I know that I will have to, all of these things are scaring me, besides all the saddness, and how depressed I feel, such strange feelings. I miss him so much. Karen

Hi Kath It is pretty late, It has been a disgusting rainy day here and I have been on the computer all day looking at pictures of Johnny and e mailing some to my kids and some friend, it has been a long day. When I liik at his pictures I feel like he is right next to me. it is so strange. I am trying to eat, sometimnes I forget, sleep only comes with Ambien, and if your heart can stop from the loss, I know mine will. I am trying to be strong, but afraid I will crash, I feel like it is sink or swim, and if I sink I will drown. I really can't wait to go to the bereavement group, I hope it make me make some sense of what happened, because I can't do it. Well I will try to get some sleep now, I feel like a robot, just going through the daily motions. Thanks for listening Hugs Karen

I spoke to my boss, maybe I will try to go back for a couple of hours next week, today was not a good day,so I don't know if i will be able to yet, I hope I feel better tomorrow. I am trying to get into some support groups, I think it will be good for me. My son and his family came over tonight to put some light around the house and it felt so strange, Johnny was missing, we had dinner and it just felt so bad to be without him at the table. I am feeling pretty bad tonight.

Well I went to the doctor today, and he tried to reassure me that the pancreatic cancer could have made Johnny suffer for a much longer time than he did, I would not of been able to stand any more pain for him. He gave me some medication to sleep, which I have not been doing too well, sleep is my hiding place, my mind gets to not think. I am going to try to find a counselor tomorrow locally. I know that I need it. My doctor also wants me to go back to work, I don't know if i can yet. It is good to have someplace to vent.

thank you and I will pray for you

NATS, I am going home tomorrow and he is there, I am so nervous about it, I know he is different in that his body is gone, but i want to hold him and be near him, I will always want him near me, I would like to know more about the charm you are talking about so that he will always be with me

Vickie O, this is true why, he was so strong, i also am feeling unprotected, he was my life, i am scared

niamh, that is how my husband and i were, very close, always together, i know how she feels, at least she had you at home, my children are married and not at home, My house is going to be so lonely and quiet, I just don't know, my world is shattered

Terry, my heart and prayers go out to you

Susan, that is how i feel like an empty shell, missing my heart, it went with him, I am still in shock, I am afraid what is going to happen when that shock wears off

Susie Q, You said it I feel like I am the only person on the planet that is going through this, I know I am not reading everyones heartbreak, you never think of all this heartache until it happens to you, I loved him so much, I hope I can do it

L, thank you for being here for me, so sorry for your loss, I just don't know what to do I feel lost

Alone 27, I know that you understand being childhood sweethearts, we were the same, I depended on him for everything, he was always there and always protecting and there for me. I am going to miss him so much, I love him so much

kayc, Thank ypu for being supportive, I am glad that I stumbled onto this site, sorry so many people are suffering, you don't realize it until you are part of it, hope I can survive, I loved him so much

Sharon, thank you for your advice, I am happy that i found this place, I am sad that so many people are suffering, you never think about this until it happens to you, I hope I can be strong, I loved him so much

Korina, THis is how I feel numb and surreal, my brain just can't accept what has happened, I don't know how you did it and had to take care of an infant, how could these terrible things happen, I don't understand