melina

Hi Marietta, How wonderful you got to hear Clint's voice again (was Buck his nickname?), and what a great dream. I've been hoping for a really clear dream - where I could hear my husband speak, though I can still recall his voice if I try. I understand what you mean about the new normal. It's not an easy transition. It still feels unreal to me. Melina

Thanks Mary, Yes, Friday is the day. Not sure how I'll react to it. It's been a rough couple of days now, but maybe that will pass by Friday. Melina

Kay, I can understand your feeling of desperation if the pain is unbearable, and you're alone on top of it all. When one of my sons broke his ankle a couple of years ago he was told that the pain might be bad at times, especially if he was using it too much. When you're living alone, it's probably hard not to use that arm. All the same, I'd contact the local hospital and ask them about it if you can't get hold of your doctor. Do you have insurance coverage for that kind of thing? It's scary being alone and in pain and wondering what might be wrong. Maybe just talking to someone at the hospital will at least calm your nerves a bit. There are pain patches you can use that might be stronger. But do ask your doctor or the hospital. This might sound trite, but hang in there. We're listening to you. Melina

Mary, You've been a great help to a lot of people here - me included. I think it's good you're taking some time for yourself. Let me know if I can be of any help somehow. Melina

No, no, Dwayne - please don't be sorry. It's not a problem. Don't worry about it. I actually thought it was kind of funny. Hope you're feeling better... Melina

Thank you Dwayne - sounds like Pauline is with you. Not sure whose husband Harv is - think you have me confused with someone else. But I do hope to see my husband again one day. Melina

I should also add that I've been seeing the same grief counselor for nearly a year now, and I have no plans to stop seeing her. Maybe some of us need counseling longer than others, but I'll be going until she kicks me out. Melina

Mary, I'm sorry things are so tough for you. I think maybe another round of grief counseling is a good idea. As you wrote, you might be around here for another good twenty years. So finding some comfort and direction in life will be important. Like you, the sheer depth of this grief is unfathomable. Half of me has been torn away, and wounds of this size will probably take a very long time to heal. There will always be a massive scar. But hopefully we'll manage and even find some happiness. Melina

Thanks Mary (and Mary), Kay, Dwayne and Deb, I do try to keep a positive attitude in my daily life (even though it doesn't show up here), but grief always seems to find me in the end. I don't cry every day and I have more control over my tears. But I still cry - sometimes it's just a few tears, other times it's like a dam breaking. Sometimes I just feel sorry for myself and think - "why me?". Then I remember what Kay said once: "Why not me?". Then I try to think about all the other people in the world who have lost people who mean everything to them - there are a lot of us - most of whom are less fortunate and who don't have a place to live, have no food to eat or to feed their children, who live in fear of their lives in war-torn areas. Not that I'm glad there are others out there in pain - but it makes me feel less alone, and I feel I owe it to everyone else going through this struggle, to keep going. I just wish I knew how to live the rest of my life - however long that will be. If I take one day at a time, one event at a time it's much easier. It's strange how true that is - that taking one day at a time helps. But sometimes you have to think ahead, and then I panic. I wonder how long I'll be doing that - panicking about being alone. I'm starting work on Tuesday after four weeks of vacation time, and this is the first time I'm actually looking forward to starting work again. I wonder how long my life will be this way - just trying to get through one day at a time, feeling pleased when evening comes, having put another day behind me. Life once seemed so short. Now it feels long. I just hope that at some point in the future - it will feel good, that I'll feel happy to be alive, that I'll enjoy being here again. Sorry for rambling. I looked back at some of my earlier posts and was shocked to see over 400 of them. I joined this group the day after my husband's death. I suppose it's become sort of a journal for me, with the exception that other people can read my journal. I can see I'm not as frantic as I was to begin with, but there is clearly a roller coaster "pattern" to my posts. I guess that's all we can expect for now. Thanks everyone for being here for me on this journey. Melina

In a week it will be one year since I lost my husband. I can't believe a whole year has passed. The first few weeks I actually doubted I would make it this far. We had nearly 30 years together - my entire adult life. Though life doesn't feel as horribly desperate, impossible and "I can't go on" as it did in the first few months, I still miss him every day. Each day there is something that will remind me of him - things we used to do, places we'd go, plans we'd made. Each day I'm made aware that the future will be dramatically different. I'm 53 and at this point I don't think I'm ever going to meet anyone else that could become an important part of my life. I rarely even meet any men, let alone single ones - so hooking up with someone is pretty unlikely. I have no interest in internet dating either. This sounds really pathetic and defeatist, but right now I feel like I'm just hanging around to be here for our kids, waiting until it's finally my turn to die. I'm not exactly depressed - just not enthralled by life. I don't feel I have anything to look forward to. I should add that I tend to log on here when I'm feeling down, so my posts are usually pretty depressing. Sorry. Those times when I'm feeling better and more optimistic, I try to avoid things and people that will remind me of grief. I notice that as long as there are people around me - and right now I've got four young people living at home, temporarily - then life is okay. Not great, but okay. It's good to keep busy, to talk to people, to have people around me that laugh and joke. When I'm alone - (the kids are all out doing something today) - the grief is like a smothering blanket. My kids have to fly the nest, and I have to get used to being here alone with the dog after work each day. But how? Anybody else feel like this after a year? I'm hoping that this too shall pass. Melina

Pilla, I hear there were 150000 people in Oslo alone for the memorial, all holding up roses. My eldest son and his wife are moving to Bergen next week, and my youngest will be moving there ten days later to attend the University of Bergen. It's a beautiful city. Are you Norwegian? I live in Vestfold, on Nøtterøy. I'm sorry that you lost your husband. I lost mine nearly a year ago, and sometimes it's still hard to believe he's really gone. Melina

Thanks everyone. As much grief as I still feel, I also feel grief for these children who lost their lives. Of course - children and adults alike are losing their lives every day in war-torn or third-word countries due to violence, poverty and disease. It makes me realize that I'm not the only one grieving in the world. Every minute, every second, produces a new grief-stricken person somewhere in the world. Melina

By now everyone must have read about the recent events here in Norway, where I live. In fact I don't live that far away. First a bomb was set off in our capitol, Oslo, killing 7 people and injuring about a hundred others. Then, the same man (though I'm sure he had accomplices) went out to an island called Utøya, just outside Oslo, where the labor party youth group had a summer camp. He opened fire and killed 85 people. Some kids were as young as 14. The total death toll for the combined events is currently 92, but there are still people missing from Utøya who are probably in the water, drowned or shot. And many people are in hospital in critical condition, so who knows how many more will be declared dead in the days to come. This is just so weird and so sad for the families of the victims. I have not lost a child, but I can certainly empathize with the shock and grief so many people must be feeling right now. I still feel that grief - nearly a year after losing my husband. Melina

Becky, If I could get through a son's wedding - you can too. I'm sure you'll have thoughts of your husband throughout, but it will also be a joyful occasion - and probably a healing experience for your family. That's how it was for me. Our thoughts go with you, and congratulations! Melina

Mary, I hope you feel better soon. Sorry you have to go through this. But it's good to know you have friends who can help. It's hard, I know. Melina

Cheryl, It's probably just another reminder of your husband. Somehow I find myself thinking of my husband in every imaginable situation. Maybe you do too. This would definitely bring up memories. Fortunately you have good ones with a good man. Sorry to hear about your friend, though. Hope things turn out better for her. Melina

Mary, I'm sorry you're having a rotten day. I'm in a different time zone, so this was going on while I was sleeping. Sundays are usually the worst day of the week for me, I hope Monday is a little better for you. What can you do about insensitive people? Not much. I try to avoid them as much as possible, but even friends and family can be insensitive, so we soldier on. We're all in this together.... Melina

Thanks again to the rest of you for warm thoughts and caring words. The day was more difficult than I'd expected - just feeling really low. But my son and I went and worked out at the gym - which actually helped a little. I think physical exercise is probably helpful. Metteline

Thanks everyone, for being here for me. Hope I can manage the same for you. Melina

I've been crying more or less all day, for some reason. I felt miserable when I got up, felt worse instead of better after talking to my grief counselor and cried throughout my walk in the woods with the dog. Now I'm supposed to go to a concert with some friends, but I don't how I'm going to get through it. About an hour ago I realized that tomorrow is - or would have been - my wedding anniversary. I don't know if my mood has anything to do with that. Maybe it's just the rain. We actually often forgot our anniversary, since at this time of year we'd generally be on vacation. But we did talk about what we were going to do on our 30th anniversary - tomorrow would have been the 29th. We would have been together 31 years. Today I've felt as though this misery would last forever. I was doing so well on vacation, but since I got back I've been more or less in despair. Nothing seems to help. I just want time to speed up so I can leave this world. Sorry to be such a drag - but I think this must be a new grief phase. Hopefully things will get better. Melina

I don't think anyone can have any real idea of what happens after death. After all, none of us have been dead. My grandmother told us about a near death experience - or actually death experience, (her heart stopped after childbirth), which opened my eyes to the possibility of life after death. I was an atheist all my life, then agnostic - now, though I'm not connected with any organized form of religion, I do believe there might be another form of life following our present one. Whether it's God or some sort of power, I don't know. But I think maybe we move on to some other form of existence As a neuropsychologist, I do agree that the brain is a wonderful organ that can do amazing things. At the same time, there is no neurological explanation - so far - for the experiences reported by people who have been clinically dead. I've read hundreds of accounts from people who were briefly dead, or near death. Several seem far-fetched and probably made-up. Others seem very honest - and I think I believe them. As for signs - maybe we're not meant to have them? Maybe there's no crossing over until it's really time. Whatever people want to believe - that's fine. I choose to have hope that I'll be with my husband again some day. If there is nothing afterwards - then it won't matter, will it. I do think however, that this life is just the beginning... Melina

I'm sorry other people here are achy as well, but it's a relief, in a way, to know that this might be a part of grief too. I think maybe we're all tensing our bodies more than we think. Maybe that's why we're so exhausted. Interesting article, Marty. Where I live there are few possibilities for classes. But we do have a yoga center, so I might enroll in a class for the fall. I read that Qi Gong and Tai Chi helps for chronic fatigue syndrome and fibromyalgia - so I thought maybe it would help me too. But unfortunately there is no Tai Chi nearby. So yoga it is. Melina

Thank you, Mary, it helps to have someone there who gets it. I'm trying to calm down - it's two in the morning over here and I really should sleep. I keep doing that "stay in the moment" mantra - trying not to think too far ahead. But suddenly it just slaps me to the ground. Thanks for being there for me when I needed it. Hope your day or evening is a little better... Melina

I was looking for a post I could reply to, so I didn't have to start a new thread. And I found Mary's. My problem isn't new. I feel like this title right now. All of a sudden it came over me - he's gone. I'm alone, and I may always be alone! Being alone wasn't a huge problem for me yesterday, or even this morning - it just hit me a couple of hours ago and I've been crying ever since. How am I going to get through the next 20 or 30 or even 40 years? I can't handle it. How could I be so calm this morning and freaking out tonight? And what started all this? Believe it or not, I think it was the slugs in the yard. In the summer we get these forest slugs that devour everything in sight. I've tried all kinds of things to get rid of them, but they keep coming back - like an army. I've been planting bushes and flowers to make life a little nicer here at home - but now they've eaten everything but the rhododendrons. I guess they don't like them. I'm not even allowed to have flowers. This sounds crazy, I know, but because of the slugs, I started looking on the internet for another place to live. Then I saw how expensive houses were and sat here thinking that if my husband had been here, he'd be looking with me. Or probably laughing - but I'd get him to look with me. And we'd be able to afford to move. But now I'm stuck here with these slugs. This isn't a house that will be a big hit on the market, even if I don't mention the slugs. This is insane, isn't it. But I feel trapped, and that led me to start thinking about the future. And I realized - I may be as alone in the future as I am now. I can't stand the thought. I've handled nearly a year. I may be able to handle a second year - but a third, fourth, fifth - 30th? I just don't want to be here on this planet any more - but I have to. I'm trapped. I'm really feeling horrible right now and there's no one to talk to. Melina

Becky, Sometimes it seems like the difficult stuff just piles on top of us at once, and we feel smothered by responsibility. I know I've felt that way lots of times - and still do a little. I spent a fair amount of money, just after I lost my husband, just on electrician bills. Some of those bills were unnecessary - I think I was taken advantage of. On top of that I was hit by a hit-and-run driver (while in my car) - and my car was completely totalled. I lost my bonus and the insurance company wouldn't cover everything because I couldn't prove who had hit me. It seemed as though there was no end to the misery. After a while, it may be easier to focus on what actually is going okay. It's easy to overfocus on the negative stuff. I am a pessimist by nature - so this was a giant hurdle for me. And still is. Some things you have to do, some things you can do if you have the energy, and some things you can put aside a while longer. You have to prioritize. What's necessary? If you don't cut your grass - what's the worst that can happen? Paying bills, going to work (if you have a job), buying food, making dinner (if you have kids), are all probably necessary. But other things might have to take a back seat until you can think clearly. This may sound like a cliche - but seriously, take one day at a time. Even now, almost a year out, I still get panicky if I think too far ahead. Everything crashes down on me. So I try very hard to live in the moment. Of course - when it comes to financial situations we have to think ahead - can we afford the mortgage or rent, will I have to find a job (if you don't have one). But with everything else - just get through today. Tomorrow - get through that day. And so on. After a while, life will get easier. Melina