melina

Sorry hear about the meltdowns here. Harry - does that mean you no longer have your grief counselor - or do you get another one? I don't know what I'd do without mine. She's stuck with me - even after a year and half. Positive things: After weeks of very mild weather, we were suddenly bombarded by a snowstorm. But now temperatures are expected to climb again. The crocuses are in bloom and tulips are making their way up. We're moving toward spring. I've made a decision not to sell the house this year. Next year maybe, but not now. So I can relax on that point for a while longer. All four of my sons are doing well at school. They have the occasional freak-out where they miss talking with their father. He was always more calm and optimistic than me. So I've had to take on his role by trying to be calm and optimistic. Not easy. But they're thriving. That's the main thing. I baked bread today for the first time since my husband died. He was the baker. To be honest, this loaf looks a little flat in the middle, but I tried. Melina

Mary, Maybe this is one of those "working through grief" dreams. What with the two-year date coming up. I'm sorry you've had such a tough time - but maybe it's a good bad dream - if you understand what I'm trying to say. This is hard work - and your brain is probably working overtime to figure things out. Remember you can contact me if you need to. Melina

It took me several hours to copy the posts I'd written from the archives. Melina

Dear Laney, I'm so sorry for the reason you had to join this site. But everyone here can empathize with your loss. I lost my husband a year and a half ago to cancer. He was also very fit, exercised every day, had a healthy diet and had never smoked in his life. Yet still he got lung cancer and died. We have four sons - all four were devastated by the loss of their father. I also worried about my sons, but they came through it. Young people are resilient and can deal with grief, loss and trauma unexpectedly well. You don't mention how old your son is, but there are grief support groups for children and teenagers. My sons refused to join any such groups - but managed all the same. I tried a support group as well, but quit early. I think some people benefit from these groups - others don't. It depends on the person and the group. I didn't think I would be able to handle my loss - and the pain of seeing my children grieving was almost too much to bear. But I'm still here, my kids are thriving and I think we'll make it. You and your son will be okay too. Just hang in there and use this group as often as you need to. Melina

Lainey, Yes, I know you also hold the same views. Forgot to mention you - sorry. I remember you mentioning also that you caught the scent of Lars' aftershave in the house. Both you and Dave are lucky to have that scent to hold on to. Thyge never wore a cologne, but once I thought I smelled his "scent" while lying in bed one night. I had the strangest dream last night. I was wandering around a strange city alone and I was crying. The city grew bigger and bigger and I was completely lost. I was grieving and feeling miserable. Then suddenly I was on a boat. Thyge was on it and my father - who died in 1999 - was steering the boat. I've never dreamt of my father before. We weren't that close. On the deck were several other people - one was a friend of the family who died of Alzheimers two years ago. I left the boat to lie in the sun on some rocks together with one of my sons and my mother, and then the boat sailed on without us. It was a strange dream. I had two very real dreams of Thyge a couple of months after he died. In one of them we were walking up a path toward the woods together. He was young - about the same age as when we first met. The day was sunny and bright and he threw back his head and laughed as though he hadn't a care in the world. I like to think that was my message. Melina

I just bought "Consciousness Beyond Life" by Pim van Lommel. More of a scientific angle on the subject. It's good so far. I've also read the Moody book "Life After Life". I tried to read the one by P. Atwater - but she seemed too flaky in general, so it lost some of its authenticity. I'm trying to pull myself away from this subject - read something else. I used to read a lot, but it's hard now to concentrate. Melina

Has anyone here read about near death experiences - or "life beyond life"? Anyone believe in this? I've been completely immersed in any and all literature that has to do with this kind of thing. Of course it's because it's comforting - since I hope to be with my husband again someday. But also because it lends a sense of meaning and purpose to this life. I've been devouring books on this subject. Two of my closest friends believe that when we die, we die. We just cease to exist - like not being born. I can't discuss this philosophy with them, because it inevitably brings me down. But I know my grandmother had a near death experience - with all the basic elements. It makes me hopeful. Anyone else here (besides Mary (mfh) - I know you're as interested as I am) into this area of science/philosophy? Melina

Good for you, Mary! That was a big step... Melina

By the way - Marty, can you tell me one more time how to access the archived posts? I would just like to have a copy of my "journey through grief" - all the way from my first post. But I can't figure out how to find them. You've mentioned this before, but of course I can't figure it out. Thanks, Melina

Okay, I'm sorry to have overreacted. Guess I just can't stay away.. .. Melina

First let me clarify that I'm not in any way blaming Marty for posting my words to the blog. That's perfectly okay - and it doesn't bother me at all. This is not what worries me. The blog just made me consider all the things I've written. And what worries me is all of the very personal things I've said - stupid things I've done that I've told people about - that I suddenly realized had been public material. All along everything I've said has been "out there" for all to see. That's what made me suddenly feel exposed. I knew when I joined up that this is how it was - so I've not been led to believe anything else. And I don't know why this should bother me, but it does. I see the value of offering everyone an insight into grief, our grief. Maybe we can help other people. It's just that this realization hit me and I keep thinking about it. It's obviously not a big deal for the rest of the group. I'll have to give this some thought. Melina

Marty - and everyone else, After I saw that one of my posts had been used in the grief blog, I started thinking about the privacy of our messages in this group. Of course I realized when I joined this forum that my words could be read by anyone out there in cyberspace. But in my grief, I didn't give it much thought. I was more concerned with connecting with others in my situation - getting some relief from this awful pain. I cringe thinking of all the things I've devulged in this forum. Quite personal things as a matter of fact. Obviously you're not thinking clearly when you're deep in the trenches of grief. This group has meant a lot to me. It's saved me many times when I've been truly desperate - because I realized I wasn't alone. So maybe all the things we've expressed in this public site can help other grieving people out there - but at the same time, I feel exposed and vulnerable. I'm considering unsubscribing after copying my archived posts, but it's with a heavy heart. I don't want to lose the friends I feel I've made here. Is there any way we can "talk" without the whole world listening in? If not - I think it might be best to leave. Melina

Marty - That woman mentioned in your blog in "Grief in the Second Year" - is that me?? I remember writing pretty much those exact words. Melina

Positives: Though I've kind of missed having a real snowy winter this year (unusually mild this year, even for the south of Norway), it's nice not to have to shovel any snow. It's nice to be able to turn off the heat in the house and just let the sun warm up the place. Best of all - our youngest son is visiting this week for winter break, along with his girlfriend. The dog is beside herself with joy. However - I have a question - and I'm not sure where to post it. So I'll ask it here: I had a real estate agent in for an evaluation of the house today. People have been telling me - practically since my husband died in August 2010 - that I ought to sell the house and move somewhere smaller and cheaper. So finally I contacted an agent and she came over this morning. Basically she tried very hard to talk me into putting the house on the market sometime during the next two weeks. When she said that, I realized I wasn't ready. Two weeks? How can I make a decision like that so quickly? I'm just about to start a new job, summer is coming up, and a couple of kids are coming home for summer vacation. I can't see starting this whole moving process now - what with showing the house, selling and then of course wondering where I'm going to live. I'm not sure I can even afford another house - maybe I'd have to move into an apartment, and I don't really want to live in an apartment. The agent, sensing my reluctance maybe, began trying to talk me into it. She said that the house was big and old (it's from 1930), I'd have constant repairs, and that to get a good price I should sell in the spring. I told a couple of friends about all this later and they agreed with her. One of them even told me that she didn't think I'd manage here on my own. She said she'd never be able to do it - that it was impossible. Now I feel stressed and worried. I've managed here for nearly 19 months, but maybe they're right. Maybe I won't manage in the long run and I'll have missed my chance to get this house off my hands. What do you think? I just wish my husband were here. It's so hard having to make all these major decisions alone. Melina

Anne, Sounds like you've reached a stage where you can look back on the good life you had together and smile, while still missing your soulmate. Good for you for looking through those albums. I still haven't been able to open one. Thinking of you today. With the time difference, I'm not sure which day is THE day. But thinking of you all the same. Melina

Mary, Your midnight is my early morning - literally. I think there's a 7 hour time difference between Wisconsin and Norway. Anyway - I hope your art museum helped you get out of your pain for a while. Evenings are difficult and weekends are the worst. It's good you have an adventurous friend to spend some time with. Wish I could go to that art museum. I really ought to try to get out and do new things. Just end up shuffling around inside the house when I'm not working. Melina

Congratulations Becky with the upcoming grandchild! And lots of other positive stuff here - painting, helping to cure cancer, social gatherings - barbecues, kids getting married, etc. I've probably missed a few things here. My only positive yesterday was that I didn't cry. It's the first in a long time, so I guess that's something. Melina

I feel somewhat split in my personality. On one thread I'm in despair, and on this one I'm trying to come up with "Today's positive thing". I was invited to attend a seminar at my new job today - where I'll be beginning on April 2nd. Everyone was very nice and welcoming, and they seemed genuinely happy to have me come and work with them. And there was cake. Melina

Cheryl, Your experiences sound just like mine. I'm also frustrated and worried by this second year - which I had expected to be far easier than the first. It's this loneliness that's so frightening and desolate. And when the big waves hit all I can think of is wanting to talk to my husband - just ten minutes, or even five. At times I feel like I'm dangling from the edge of a cliff, just barely hanging on. But your account gives me hope that things will gradually improve, and that I don't need to be frightened of my slow progress. I'll just have to ride it out, I guess and not expect so much of myself. Thanks for letting me know how you've managed. It does help. Melina

Anne and Mary, Knowing you still had heavy grief at 1 1/2 years - where I am now - helps me to feel a little more patient. I had a couple of friends tell me that my grief has turned into something pathological if I'm still have such huge waves of despair. Sometimes I wonder if I'm still here because I have some sort of important work to do - so that puts pressure on me too. Sounds stupid, I know - but I feel like I should not only be over the worst of the grief, but also out there saving the world in some respect, doing something noble. Mary and Kay - I see you've been through the same feelings as well and are still standing. That's great, mary, that you've been able to get out and have coffee with a man - whether it goes anywhere or not. Harry - I also end up watching tv to blast the loneliness and grief away for a bit. Sometimes it's sci-fi, but if things are really bad - I have to choose comedies. And if things are just one deep dark pit, I sometimes watche blooper reels of my favorite tv shows on youtube. It sounds pretty low-brow - but that's where I am right now. Melina

I see that most people have something they can occupy themselves with to ward off the grief and pain - for a while anyway. But what do you do when huge waves of despair hit you? Not sure if many of you have those. Evenings are the worst for me. I turn on the tv just to hear someone talking. The dog isn't very good at that. The silence and aloneness become so enormous, sometimes I just take the dog and go for a walk in the dark - even though the sidewalks are covered with ice. Melina

I would love to grow berries and grapes. Nothing will grow up here now at 32 F. Melina

Beautiful watercolor, Mary. Keep it up! Melina

Okay, this might be good for us. As you may know, yesterday I met an owl in the woods. Today...that's tough one. I suppose we can't include all the bad things that could have happened, but didn't? But that's not exactly joyful, just a relief - and there are lot of them. I suppose it would have to be that I got paid today, unexpectedly, for some extra work I did, and I was therefore able to pay my house and car insurance. And also my dog escaped, ran into traffic - but didn't get hit by a car. She's not very bright, but at least she's safe. I haven't been able to consider positive things before now. It seemed unthinkable. But I need to get unstuck from all the negative thinking and fear which is dragging me down - and I'm desperate enough to try something new. Melina

Thanks Mary, It's odd though how easily my mood can swing from "okay" to "bad" with just one minor event. Today at work the neighbor phoned me to say that my dog had gotten out into the street, so he had her at his house. He owns a kennel. She hadn't been hit by a car or anything. When I picked her up the neighbor said that she had gotten out several days in a row and had more or less been barking the entire time I'd been at work. I don't know why he didn't tell me this before. It must have started when my son left for college last week. The dog isn't used to being all alone. It sounds like the "at home" neighbors were pretty ticked off at me. Now I feel horrible again. It feels as though the entire world hates me. I know it's my fault - I should have secured the dog door better - but I wish that just one wonderful thing could happen. Something that would really lift my spirits. Had to get that out. Sorry. Melina