melina

Carol Ann, Several friends have recommended this book. I'm still unable to read books. I haven't read one for nearly a year. But when that ability returns, I'll check this one out. Melina

Dave, I was on sick leave for six months, so that you're able to go back to work after 25 days is pretty amazing. But getting back to normal at this stage will probably be impossible. I'm still waiting to get back to normal - and it's been 10 months. Go easy on yourself. Melina

How scary - and what a relief that it went okay. It does seem like it never stops sometimes. Though this was a particularly frightening episode and would be bad whether you were grieving or not, I wonder sometimes if things that happen often seem worse because of what we've been through. As though bad things are intensified in light of our grief. Plus we have no one to share them with. We had a financial crisis around the time my husband was diagnosed with cancer and had to sell the house we'd lived in for 20 years. We finally found another place to live. Then our dog died. After that we had to fly to the U.S. for our eldest son's wedding, but the flights were so delayed, we had to be put up in a hotel and spent hours and hours at various airports - and having my husband with cancer to take care of, it was almost more than we could bear. We just made it to Maine in time for the wedding. Just after my husband's death I was driving to town to pick up my youngest son at the train station. A car came out of nowhere and slammed into the side of my car - where I was sitting - shoving me and my car into a brick wall. When I'd finally managed to pry my way out, the car had taken off. Hit and run. It was a very scary situation. I managed to drive, scraping along the road, to town and pick up my son who was stunned to see this wreck of a car waiting for him. What with the countless parking tickets, a painful slipped disc (for me), huge unexpected bills etc. etc. I've often felt cursed. I really felt someone was out to get me. Not in the psychotic paranoid way - but I felt like I was being punished. I felt like screaming from the rooftops "Okay come and get me! Get this over with!" What I didn't think about - and what my grief counselor tried to get me to see - was that we did make it for our son's wedding. We were there. We did get a new home to live in - though I miss our old house, this one is good enough. I didn't get killed in the accident - in fact, I wasn't even hurt. Though I did lose my insurance bonus. Still, it's hard to consider all this when misfortune hits us. Anyway - this is not meant in any way to undermine the terrible thing with your son - but at least he wasn't hurt. He could have been killed, but he wasn't. So I suppose we just have to manage and count our blessings, as inane as that sounds. Melina

Great photo, Tammy. She's lovely and looks very happy - and that's what's most important. Melina

This song was played at my husband's funeral. It was also played at my brother's funeral four years ago, after he committed suicide. It's sad, but uplifting at the same time. It's Somewhere over the Rainbow, by the Hawaiian singer Israel "IZ" Kaʻanoʻi Kamakawiwoʻole. I see someone has already put it on the Grief Songs website. Melina

Here are the youtube links to a few of the songs I was talking about. I will try to post them on that other site, Marty. The only youtube links I could find were those that someone had added a lot of depressing pictures for illustrations, along with Jesus pictures. But just listen to the songs - that's the important part. The first song was written by Julie Miller, but I couldn't find it sung by her. So this one is sung by some other person. Now I can't even remember who. My husband liked classical music the most, and now I find I can't bring myself to listen to anything in that genre. I wonder when I'll be able to do that. Thanks for the song tips Carol Ann and Nicholas. I listened to both. Melina

Marty, I read it now - wasn't aware of it. But I couldn't figure out how to post a comment. Do you have to subscribe? Melina

If anyone wants a good cry (ha ha) listen to Julie Miller's two albums "Broken Things" and "Blue Pony". There are so many songs there that speak of grief and healing. I listen to them sometimes when I just want to feel understood. Strange - but true. My favorites are "All my Tears", "I know why the river runs" and "By way of sorrow". Melina

We never had many friends. As I said in another post, my husband used to joke about our family being a "clan". Our kids, of course, had friends, but they've always been pretty selective and stuck to a few close ones. My husband, Thyge, and I were content just to be together. Now and then we'd be invited to dinner somewhere - and I admit I have received a couple of invites since his death, but since only couples would be attending, I declined. I just couldn't handle it. I have gone to dinner with women friends, as long as their husbands weren't going along. My sister and brother in the U.S. haven't been in touch for months. Neither has Thyge's family who lives three hours away. I guess they figure I should be over my grief by now. I have a couple of good friends who are sympathetic, but don't really understand. Of course I have my sons. But three of them are grown enough to have moved out, and they have their own lives. The youngest lives at home and is preparing for college in the fall. Soon I'll be here all by myself. I spend most of my time alone when I'm not at work. I find myself talking to the dog, who never answers me. She just wags her tail looking bewildered. As Kay said, I often feel so lonely I could scream. But I'm lonely for one person - the person I shared everything with. Guess I'm just at a loss to figure out how to live my life now. I would love to have good, supportive friends nearby that I could drink coffee with in the afternoons, share a glass of wine in the evening. All I have are neighbors who are strangers. We moved to this house just a month before my husband died, so I don't know anyone. I feel rootless. I hope I won't be this alone the rest of my life, but on the other hand, maybe I'll come to prefer it. I've even been thinking of moving further out into the countryside to be completely isolated, but everyone has advised me against it. Melina

Okay, I suppose I should write something positive for once. I'm grateful I have four healthy, kind, intelligent sons, two lovely daughters-in-law who clearly love their husbands, a good job, a home to live in and food to eat. I have my health - for now anyway - and I have a couple of really good friends. Things may not be the way I want them to be - but it's a lot more than most people in the world have. I just hope I can leave a postive mark on the world the way my husband did. Melina

Becky, At times I think I'm the Guilt Queen. My husband, Thyge, was also full of life and intent on living well into his 90s or further. When we got the lung cancer diagnosis (ironic since he'd never smoked), we were momentarily knocked out. But then he decided he would survive, and I back him up on that. He continued running as long as possible. Even when it was clear (to everyone else) that he was not looking too good, we lived a kind of fantasy that he would survive anyway. He had always been healthy and active - how could cancer get him? We never discussed dying, and though I have regretted many times not helping him through that, I think he needed to stay optimistic. Up until a few hours before he died, we were making plans for fall vacation - months away. I have had months of guilt - for everything - absolutely everything. Now that guilt is too much to bear, too heavy. I can't carry it any longer if I'm going to survive myself and help our sons through this. But I certainly know what you mean. Still - consider if Randy would want you to carry all this guilt. And maybe you helped him by keeping his spirits up, giving him hope all the way to the end. That's how I have to see it if I'm going to get through this. Melina

Again, thanks everyone. I'm glad I have this forum. I go to it every morning when I wake up and every evening before going to bed. It's a stable place in my life right now. I'll try to get hold of that CD, Tammy. I think you can download it as an Mp3 file so I could listen to it with headphones. Carol Ann, I hope the trial went okay without too much turmoil. Kay, I also wish we all lived nearby. It would be a great bereavement group. Wmjsca - it's good to hear from you again, hope you're doing reasonably okay. Lainey - I just noticed you had your anniversary. I hope the day passed without too much pain. Everyone else - thanks for your support and friendship. And for the newbies, don't let me scare you with my grief. What you've read here was one of my worst days - a few of them actually. But there are other times I'm managing okay. And I hope things get better. I think grief is a very individual thing. Some people recover more easily than others. I was, I'll admit, very dependent on my husband. We had few friends, but had each other and our sons. He used to call us a "clan". I think if we'd had a bigger network, things would have been easier. Melina

Mary, I watched the Afterlife trailer and I may buy the film on amazon. I was afraid that this was something they conjured up to make money. But a couple of weeks ago, my mother came to visit. We don't get along very well, and she hasn't been here at all after my husband died. But she told me something that strengthened my belief in this. My grandmother was declared clinically dead just after my mother's birth, but managed to pull through. She came down with an infection after giving birth at home. This was in 1934 in the middle of nowhere in Norway. There were no doctors at births, just lay-midwives, and not all of them were very good. Some women died during childbirth. My mother said that my grandmother had a very high fever for about a day, and her heart stopped beating, just as the doctor finally arrived. She then found herself out of her body and hovering near the ceiling. She could see everyone standing around her bed and that there was a lot of chaos and crying. Her two older daughters were almost pushed out of the room. My grandmother then turned to see a very bright light and suddenly her own grandmother (long deceased) was standing beside her. She said something like "Not now" or "Not yet", and then there was blackness. My grandmother was in a coma for three days and was bedridden for weeks, so my mother was partly raised by her own grandmother (my grandmother's mother). I thought it was interesting that here was someone who had clearly never heard of near death experiences, yet her experience was similar to the ones Jeffrey Long described. Melina

Kath, I'll try to get hold of that book. Thanks... Melina

Thanks everyone for your replies and comforting words. I feel guilty for not doing better at this point. I should be offering other people hope and optimism. I guess I'm just at a very low point right now. Maybe it's because I'm working two jobs and have had a lot of other stuff to deal with. Maybe stress and exhaustion exacerbates the grief. I don't know - I just can't stand the thought of another year, or another month for that matter. Every day is such an effort, and now I'm back to crying every night, sometimes in the mornings. Someone mentioned bereavement groups. I tried one - there was only one where I live - but it didn't work for me. The group I tried to participate in was a structured group. We had to follow a certain theme each time and weren't allowed to discuss freely. Most of the people there were much older than me and kept talking about how lucky they felt to have had 40-50 years together and grandchildren before losing their spouses. And there I was feeling very unlucky. It's easier to be online. If I can't bring myself to read a post - I don't. And I can contribute when it's possible. Again, I'm sorry I can't be more positive. Maybe this will pass. What worries me is that it might not, and I'll be the exception - I'll be the one who never got over her loss. Melina

I can't believe I've been without my husband for 10 months - and they've been very tough months. I keep thinking that things have got to get better, and I suppose things are different now than they were to begin with. However, I am still struggling quite a bit. Often life feels overwhelming. It's so hard to deal with everything on my own, and I have no family (apart from my sons) to support me. I know I have to keep going, but I'm so exhausted. I just don't want to do this anymore. And I'm so incredibly lonely. If things are better on the other side (if there really is another side), why bother plodding through life over here? Now and then I feel I have a purpose here - a reason for continuing this journey. But most of the time I'm just existing. I don't why I'm writing this. I suppose I just need to express myself in a place where someone understands. Melina

Thanks Mary Linda, I really needed that hug - cyber or not! Here's hoping your day is a little bit better - and that goes for the rest of you too.... Melina

Tammy, I hope, like you do, that there is some purpose or reason for us who have been left behind. My husband was a teacher, and he was a truly good person. I still hear from students he once taught and they all say the same thing - he really meant something to them and he made learning fun and interesting. Maybe that was one of his purposes here in life. Another was being an amazing father - and also a beloved husband. He taught me so much, made me feel loved and gave me strength and a belief in myself that I didn't get while growing up. Maybe my purpose is ridding myself of bitterness, regret and resentment and helping my children find their way in the world. Maybe some of my purpose also lies in my job. I work with disabled people daily and try to nudge others into seeing these people for what they are: People. I try to help them find another identity apart from "disabled". That is not an identity, but just one aspect of their lives. Should we just identify ourselves as "widows" or "widowers"? That is simply one dimension, one aspect of our lives, as is "parent", "sibling", "co-worker", "dog owner", "art lover", "cyber-chick" or whatever it is we incorporate into our lives. My husband's death launched an existential turning point in my life. I would have preferred to have done without it, but since I couldn't stop him from dying, I will have to take what I can from it. I've become less materialistic, less interested in petty things and petty people, more interested in philosophical and theological ideas, more thankful for my children and other people who help to make my life a more positive experience, and finally, I'm now curious about where life will take me now - what I'm supposed to do. I still grieve, but at the same time I'm waiting to see where the road takes me - one day at a time. Melina

Darl, I just wanted you to know that I think I know exactly how you feel. I'm writing this from Iceland of all places. I live in Norway - so Iceland is not that exotic. I'm here for a work conference, together with two colleagues who also happen to be my two closest friends. It's my first real travel experience since my husband died nearly 10 months ago. Yesterday evening I had a mini-breakdown, where I couldn't stop crying. It was just this feeling of never being able to see my husband again - I couldn't call him, couldn't send him a text message, wouldn't see him when I got home to share my experiences. All my travel experiences with my husband came up - nothing specific, just bits and pieces of memories and the sensation of being "on the road" with him and our kids. My friends were understanding - but they couldn't truly understand. The one friend is happily married to a healthy husband and they've been together 29 years. The other is divorced, but her son still has a father, and she's still friendly with her ex. They have normal lives. This travel experience is just plain fun for them. I wanted to comment on Tammy's post of positive news despite the grief - but I just couldn't find anything. That sounds like a downer from my side, but this is such a struggle. The emptiness is so consuming. But it's not quite as bad as it was 10 months ago - and you say the same thing. So we can only hope this will get better. Melina

Good to hear from you again, Carol Ann - and happy birthday! Melina

It seems as though few people talk about widows/widowers and financial troubles, even though that's a big problem for many of us. When you're used to managing a household with two incomes, and being able to do repairs and heavy work without having to hire someone, it's pretty overwhelming when you suddenly find yourself alone with it all. I tried to read a book about coping as a widow, but had to toss it aside. The woman who wrote it was a widow - but obviously a widow who was very well off. On the section about financial issues, she suggested cashing in stocks and bonds, and maybe selling or moving to your second home, to get rid of any debts or mortgages you might have. Second home? Stocks and bonds? We never had any of that to begin with. As for getting rid of debts and mortgages - I may manage that by the time I'm 90, if I live that long. Melina

I haven't had flashbacks exactly, but "daymares" - I have had very strong and troublesome memories of my husband's final day. It's etched in my mind and when I'm stressed or tired it comes back - usually when I'm trying to fall asleep. I've had to turn to antidepressants for a while just to deal with them. My husband had cancer, but no one - not even the doctors - realized he was actually dying until the day before he died. It was the biggest shock I've ever had. His face at death will always haunt me. He loved life and really lived to the full - so to see him like that was beyond my worst nightmare. As for real nightmares, at night - I haven't really had those. Though I have had a couple of near nightmares where my husband announced he was leaving me for another woman. No amount of screaming, crying or begging from me would change his mind. This never actually happened while he was alive, but in my dream it felt real. Maybe the other woman was a symbol for death - me feeling abandoned. Melina

I've been thinking about how my grief will be as I pass the one year mark at the end of the summer. I don't like thinking too far ahead, because if I do, I start to panic. But I wonder if it's so hard to move on to year two because the first year has been such an utterly exhausting experience. It's like running a particularly grueling marathon - then reaching the end - sweating, panting, about to collapse - only to have someone tell you that you have to do it all over again. How will I get through another fall? Another dark winter, or a Christmas? How will I manage all the stuff I've just barely managed this year? The panic sets in when I think about every single year I still have to get through until I die. That sounds really depressing, but it's late in the evening, and I tend to wallow in grief at this time of night. Sorry... Melina

Thanks Lainey, Do they have May 17th celebrations in Saskatchewan? Just thinking since Lars was Norwegian. Hope your garden turned out nice. Kay - hope some nice person will come and fix your lawnmower. I have the kind you push, and it's pretty heavy. Like a work-out, really. Melina

Melina, you must be a neighbor! Are you in Seattle or where? My son used to live in Tacoma when he was in the Air Force...he still has a Washington phone number. I will definitely take you up on your offer to help me keep positive focus. I begin my layoff in two weeks. Kay, I grew up just outside of Seattle, but I live in Norway. So unfortunately we're not really neighbors. Was your son at McChord Air Force Base? Melina