melina

I wonder how many others on this site are struggling with new waves of grief after the one year mark. Somehow I just assumed that things would be easier after a year, but it seems in many ways much harder. It's now been 15 months since I lost my husband. Being alone and lonely is devastating. My husband and I raised four sons - so our house was always busy and noisy. Now it's just me and the dog. I was never very social - my family was enough for me. If I were to become more social now, I'd basically have to change my personality - and I just don't have the energy. People have been telling me to get a hobby or get active in some way - but after I get home from work and walk the dog, I spend the rest of my time doing nothing at all. I feel paralyzed by grief. I know that our grief journey is a roller coaster - but this roller coaster has been hurtling downward for quite some time. Is this what's called "complicated grief"? Am I depressed? I can't seem to get a grip on this and the future seems hopeless. Even my grief counselor mentioned "self-pity" in our last session. That irritated me, but then I thought - is that what this is? If so - how do I rid myself of it? Melina

Thanks Marty. Melina

I'm sitting here at Dulles Airport, waiting to board my flight back to Europe in a couple of hours. And here I am crying in the waiting lounge. That's something I hadn't planned on doing - and I hate it. Still, no one seems to notice. I've spent the last week at a writer's conference in Virginia. The setting was beautiful - red and gold leaves falling from the trees, families of deer grazing around the cabins, rays of sun dancing on the Potomac River. That is until the snow hit yesterday. This last week I've been around people nearly all the time - during the days for the conference and through the evenings for socializing. I've done okay for the most part - talked with people, listened with interest, even laughed. Just to be alone a little, I've spent at least an hour each day walking in the woods. There were some beautiful hiking trails. That's when the despair and longing hit me. My husband and I nearly always hiked together. We traveled together a lot too. Each day as I walked in the woods, I cried - sometimes I even howled, (as long as I knew no one was around). After that I could be with people again. The problem is that not one of those twenty or so women attending the conference were single. Each and every one had a husband or partner - and I know all of them were thinking the same thing: "I'm so glad I'm not her." Now I'm stuck here in the airport, thinking of our last awful trip together. The one we made last summer in order to attend our eldest son's wedding in Maine. My husband was so sick, and neither of us realized - or maybe refused to accept - that he was dying. It was the worst set of flights I've ever had to endure - with continuous delays and setbacks. It's like the Powers That Be wanted to wear him down and kill him. I've got no one at home waiting for me, except for the dog. No one looking forward to my return. No one waiting with a glass of wine and a big hug. My loneliness and despair is so enormous right now. I just can't imagine getting through the years to come, let alone this flight. Sorry to dump this on people, but I hate my life! Melina

I like the idea of this group - Living with Loss. I understand it's for those who have been walking the grief road for quite a while. Now at 14 months out, it's good to be able to share thoughts and feelings with others in the same "time zone". I had an awful last week where almost everything that could have gone wrong went wrong. I had to make an emergency visit to my grief counselor. Usually we meet once every two weeks, but she made an exception for me. Luckily I get to decide how often I go. Besides being upset about the events of the week, I was also feeling despair over the fact that I'm still feeling Thyge's loss so deeply. The grief is still very much there, after 14 months. She said maybe it was because I was finally accepting the fact that he was dead. But I don't feel like I'm accepting it at all! I know that he's dead, but I don't accept it. I'm still so bitter about it. I still don't want to be around other couples. I can be with friends, but not their husbands. I wonder when or if that will ever change. Melina

Mary, You're an expert at using your creativity to express your grief. That is a gift. Your paintings, your poetry - use them! I know that like me you've reached a plateau that holds you prisoner, but I figure that sooner or later a path will open up and we'll continue traveling. You know I'm here for you. Debbie, I had the same thoughts as you when my grief was raw. I was married nearly 28 years, together with my husband - my best friend and soulmate - for nearly 30. I even talked about suicide on this site, and probably scared everyone. But I also have sons, and seeing their pain and grief made me realize how selfish it would be to rob them of their mother as well as their father. If nothing else, think about your son. Take it from someone who's been there, this urgency to leave this world will pass. Your husband wouldn't want you to abandon your son or leave your life. What helped me was to see a grief counselor. She's been my rock through this whole mess. I began seeing her the day after my husband's death - started with twice a week, and now I'm down to once every two weeks. It helps to pour out your feelings to someone who's stable and heard it all before. You can use this site too, but it also helps to talk to someone who is not in the depth of grief as well and who can lend you a hand and pull you up. Hang in there.... Melina

Happy birthday Kay!! You deserve a day full of hope and happiness. Warm thoughts for you from the far north.... Melina

Thanks guys, I'm still feeling a little lost and abandoned, but now I'm more irritated than anything else. If only I were stronger! Thanks for being here, Melina

I wonder if any of you are struggling with this. I feel so vulnerable, as though I have to keep alert at all times that no one is going to hurt me. I don't mean physically - although I suppose I would be afraid of that too depending on the situation. I mean emotionally. Because of this I've become pretty defensive. I've always had a problem with authority. Not that I've committed criminal acts - but I just don't like other people throwing their weight around, displaying their dominance. So of course, I'm not good with bosses, or bossy people. This week I've had a run-in with my boss at work over my working hours. I've kept all my appointments and done all my work, but my hours have been somewhat eratic. I can't seem to keep a regular schedule. Some nights I don't sleep until four am, so it's hard to get up at six. Some days I can't stand to sit at my desk, so I go home. I have ALWAYS however, done my work. This is the kind of boss who is kind of insecure about himself - so he used language - body language and speech - to let me know just who was in charge. I was awake all that night because of this - angry and upset. Crying and wishing my husband were here to talk to. Then last night, I'd been out for dinner with my son and had a great time. I came home and realized that our dog had somehow gotten out and had been barking in the yard while we were gone. One of the neighbors who I'd never met came to bang on our door and laid into me about my !#!¤# dog. No introductions, no "would you please make sure your dog keeps quiet" thing. Just yelling. I felt myself losing control - I'd either yell back or cry. So I slowly closed the door and locked it. After that I spent an hour crying and having horrible thoughts that maybe he'd come to poison our dog or shoot him or something. My son just said to forget him. Today all I can think about is moving and changing jobs. I like my job and my colleagues. We just moved to this house a month before my husband died. I'd rather not uproot everything just yet. But all this vulnerability is making me feel like I can't handle anything. I feel like a little kid. Tomorrow it will be 14 months since I lost my husband - my best friend and partner of nearly 30 years. I've always been pretty dependent on him - despite the fact that I've worked full time and can take care of myself in most situations. He was my protector, in many ways. How do the rest of you manage unpleasant people and deal with difficult situations alone? Especially you ladies here. Melina

I agree with Marty. It's not a good idea to speculate on this kind of thing. How can we know? My brother took his own life four years ago, and it's still a mystery to all of us who loved him. We were left with a lot of questions and a lot of guilt. The guilt has subsided, luckily, but the questions remain. I'm so sorry for you, Stacy. I lost my husband over a year ago, and it still hurts. You might want to consider seeing a grief counselor. It's helping me. Melina

Janine, I'm sorry to hear about your husband and sorry for your grief and pain. I lost my husband to cancer nearly 14 months ago. I was in shock when he died, and probably in shock for the first few months following his death. We were together nearly 30 years and have four sons - all in their twenties now. Our youngest was 18 when we got the diagnosis, and 19 when his father died. I still wonder why I was so unprepared for his death. I think somehow we convinced each other that he would be the one to defy the odds. I supported him in his belief that he would survive. And then he didn't. When I wonder if I've made any progress, I think about those first few horrible months and realize that things really have gotten easier. Not great - but manageable. That may seem impossible to you at this point - but hang in there. We're all here for each other, and you'll always have a place to come and share your grief with people who completely understand. This is a good and kind group of people. Melina

Thanks Kay - just what I needed! Hugs back to you and everyone else here. Melina

Beth, It's entirely up to you, but if you want to make a compromise, you could give his mother a small portion of the ashes. Then he could be in both places at once. I'm going to take a very small portion of Thyge's ashes to the cemetary where his parents are buried. His sister got his name carved on the family headstone - more of a "in memory of", and in time, when I'm ready, I'll drive the three hour trip down there, bury some of the ashes and plant something on the grave. I'm just not ready yet, since I know it will entail at least three days of tears. Melina

Beth, I don't think there are any rules about this kind of thing. When we got my husband's ashes back (kind of a traumatic experience), a close friend of his took my sons and I out on his sailboat and spread most of his ashes at sea. My husband loved the sea and sailing, so this seemed appropriate. I had planned to spread all his ashes there, but was somehow unable to part with them all. So I saved some. I figured I would spread some of them in the mountains - a place he also loved. If I can ever get the energy to go hiking again. And some I may just keep. I know he's not in there, but it's weird how important it's become to keep them with me. My husband was a coffee connoisseur. He loved good coffee and no matter how financially strapped we were, he insisted on a top notch coffee machine. He even ordered fair trade coffee beans from Tanzania. So I went out and bought a coffee jar in white porcelain. That's where his ashes are, in this coffee jar on top of an antique cupboard (inherited from his grandmother in the kitchen, near the coffee machine. Sometimes I take the jar down and hold it for a while, even kiss the top of it. I suppose that sounds weird. But whatever works, I suppose. Melina

Thank you so much everyone - I feel comforted by this circle of friends who "get it". It's a good thing it's raining today. I won't have to worry about painting the house. I think I may just pay someone to do the rest. I feel like there's so much to learn when it comes to living independently. I haven't lived on my own since I was 21, and then only briefly. Still I suppose I should be thankful for all I've learned - also practical stuff - from my husband over the years. Just wish he was still here. Melina

It's been 13 months now and things are going okay most of the time, despite the loneliness and the longing. However, the last few days I've been having that "going backwards" feeling. I know it must be common, because so many other people here have mentioned similar feelings. It started when I was painting the house on Friday afternoon. I got 1/8 of the house painted, took some pride in that, but realized I still had 7/8 to go. Suddenly the whole idea of responsibility for the house, the yard, four kids, a dog and job - ALONE - felt overwhelming. I sat down in the yard and cried. I've been very weepy this weekend and even cried myself to sleep. Today at work, (I'm taking five minutes in my office to write this), while at a general information meeting, I looked around the room at all the women my age who were married, with normal everyday lives. They have kids the same age as mine, but their kids still have a father. These women still have husbands they can come home to and share all of life's responsibilities with. They have normal weekends they look forward to. I feel so sorry for myself! I hate wallowing in self-pity, but I can't help it. It's just so much to deal with, and I have so little energy to deal with it. I know that there are women all over the world who have lost basically everything and who have to struggle to survive. But I can't help it - I'm really struggling with this new life. Any comforting thoughts or comments welcome - I need a group hug. Melina

Pam, It's still very early days for you. At two months (is that right?) I was still partly in a state of shock and disbelief, but also felt enormous despair and sadness. People on this site told me then just to let it all come out, that I would have to wade through the grief since there was no going around it. It's very painful, it will seem more than you can handle, but you'll get through it in one piece. Scarred, but okay. We're here for you. Let's all find comfort together. Melina

Marc, Can you fly to Norway? Melina

Cheryl, You and I have been going through some of the same things. I was stressed to the teeth a couple of a weeks ago when I drove across the country (8 hours there, 8 hours back) to install our youngest son in his dorm. I wish - and I know he wished - that both his parents could have been there to help him settle in. I have three sons in different universities in Norway and England, and one about to leave the nest - again - for a university in Australia. There are so many things to figure out and I can almost see my money flying out the window - in flocks. I've been feeling so miserable this last month, thinking about how exciting things would have been if only my husband, their father, had been here to help them on their way. And he and I could have been living it up in the empty nest - doing all the things we'd planned. Now fall has set in and winter is on the way - here in Norway. I've got to think about heating again and have ordered wood from the local farmer. I've got to seal some of the windows - not sure how to do that yet. I've been trying to get the house painted - at least one wall outside - but it keeps raining. There are rotting boards on the outside of the house and I know that a carpenter will take gobs of money to replace them. I don't want to move into an apartment though. Not yet. I'm just so tired!!!! All the same - I'm glad you're feeling a little better. Life is hard when you're on your own. Melina

Mary, I'm 53, and may theoretically have even longer to live. I also come from a line of long-lived women. The men on my side of the family don't tend to make it as far. I understand how you feel - that loneliness. I don't want to live alone, but I don't want to live with anyone else but my husband either. I don't really have much experience with grief groups. I tried one and didn't like it. But then, I was still in shock at that time and I live in a small place, so there was only one choice of group. It just didn't suit me. But my grief counselor has been my lifeline. I can say anything to her and she's heard it all. She's been a grief counselor for many years and is also a hospital chaplain, so she was actually in the room when my husband died. She saw me at the worst moment of my life. I would consider seeing a counselor who might be able to nudge you forward, or at least listen to you and help you put things into perspective so that you can figure out for yourself how you're going to live those next 30 years or so. Right now, the only way I can get through the days is to take one at a time. I can't look too far into the future or I panic. The problem is that we all have to look ahead now and then, or we'll be stuck where we are. I wish I could advise you, but this is all I can muster, I'm afraid. Hang in there and know that we're all nodding our heads at your words, understanding them. Melina

The foggy brain issue is now causing trouble for me at work. I'm wondering if anyone else is having the same problems. I work at the hospital, as a neuropsychologist. That's a psychologist with a specialization in neurology. Before my husband became ill and was diagnosed with cancer, I was, I think, pretty good at my job. Now I'm just barely pulling my weight. I can't concentrate at work. I have to force myself to go to the office in the morning and end up staring at the computer screen when I'm supposed to be writing reports. At meetings, I can't follow what other people are saying. I forget things easily and have to be reminded, several times. Often I come in late because I haven't been able to fall asleep until closer to 4 or 5 in the morning. Though I do carry out neuropsychological assessments - testing clients, write the necessary reports and attend meetings, I don't do much else. Finally my boss, the chief of staff, took me in for a talk and told me that I wasn't showing the same motivation and enthusiasm as before. I told him that it's been hard - the grief - and it's only been a year since I lost my husband. My boss said that I should have come farther at this point - a year is a long time. Time to move on and get back to work. How can I be expected to be enthusiastic when I feel the way I do? I wish I could quit my job, but how would I live without an income? I've got a house and four college kids to think about. And I suppose it's important for me to have something to keep me busy during the day. I'd probably just be lying around watching TV or crying if I didn't have a job to go to. Right now I can't see how I will ever get that motivation and enthusiasm back. What's there to be enthusiastic about? Melina

Dwayne, So sorry to hear you're having to deal with more illness. You've had more than your share. Sending good thoughts and prayers your way. I hope you start feeling better soon! Melina

Cheryl, I'm from Seattle and I've been on the PLU campus several times. It's a good campus environment - much smaller than the University of Washington (where I went) - so I'm sure your daughter will be happy there. But it's a big transition and it will take time. Whenever you start something new - a new school, new job, move to a new town - everything seems scary. It takes a few months before things feel normal. And our kids have the added disadvantage of missing a parent and grieving their loss. My youngest son is probably a little anxious, but he doesn't show it easily. After his father died, my son locked himself away in his room, basically only coming out for meals. Then he started going to the gym with me a few times a week to work out, and finally now he's agreed to attend a university. I think he's on his way out of the worst of it now and looking forward to new opportunities, but I'm worried he'll be lonely. He doesn't make friends easily. Still, he has his oldest brother and sister-in-law in the same town. We probably need to let them find their way on their own - knowing we're there in the background, ready to help if necessary. They need to become independent and find security and happiness outside their immediate family and learn to trust the world again. Melina

Beth, Thanks! I didn't know you'd been to Norway - whereabouts? The only thing worse than driving up and down the mountains is driving through the endless tunnels they've made through the tallest mountains. I felt like I'd never come out the other end. Still, I managed. Good for you for driving 8 hours to see your mother-in-law! It really does something for your confidence - completing a task you've never done before. My husband liked to be in the driver's seat in general, but sometimes we'd share the driving on long stretches. At least we'd be together and talk. I had to make the drive alone with a broken radio in the car, but I had an MP3 player. Once you're in driving mode and remember to take plenty of stops, it works out okay. Melina

Thanks Kay! I know what you mean about empty-nesting and menopause. I'm doing the empty nest, now I fear the menopause. It still hasn't descended on me. I find that the pain of grief has lessened, but at the same time I miss Thyge more. I keep getting these flashes of memories - mostly good ones (except for the illness/hospital ones) - and that makes me miss him intensely. It's knowing I won't ever experience those things again, with THAT person. I try to stay positive and tell myself that there will be new things to remember, new doors opening, but at the same time there is that pull from the old memories and the life I really wanted to keep living. Melina

Thanks Becky! I can see that a two day drive would be daunting, but maybe it will be an adventure of sorts. Melina