melina

Susan, I'm so sorry you lost your husband and I hope you'll find some comfort in this group. Your grief is fairly new, so you'll be going through a lot of things many of us experienced long before you joined. We're still grieving - otherwise we wouldn't be here - but I think those of us who've been here a while are managing life, with all its ups and downs. I lost my husband to cancer 17 months ago and I miss him terribly. He was 12 years older than me, but was my best friend and life partner. We have four sons, and all of us miss this wonderful man. However, it's different for me than for our sons. The silence of the house and my loneliness can be pretty overwhelming at times. As for the future - I've found that it's best not to think too far ahead. It tends to lead to panic. Live here and now, plow through the grief, and try to take comfort wherever you can find it. Melina

"Give them one of these." so cute. Well, I want one that works....first I would bring Bill back in perfect health, then everyone else's lost loves back, then world peace with no hunger or poverty, sickness or war. I need a powerful magic wand.

Christmas went fine, but New Years Eve was the worst one ever. Today I woke up wondering how I was going to get through this next year. A few days ago I thought to myself that this new year couldn't possibly be any worse than the past two years. It had to get better. Now I'm wondering if that's true. Melina

432 for me on the stress scale - not as high as Kay, but still on the high end. 62 on the burn-out scale which according to the test means I'm at high risk for burn-out. Not surprising maybe that I'm feeling tired and on edge. Melina

(Queenie)Mary - I hope your play turns out well. Maybe you'll get more into the role as you start performing for audiences. I used to do some acting in my college days and enjoyed it. Sometimes I wish I'd continued down that path. Kay - I know what you mean by feeling old and tired. And we're not even old. I force myself to walk the dog because it's something I have to do. Like caring for a child. You can't choose to not do it. But the walking does help. Hal - It's good that you're running every day. I walk, combined with running, every day for an hour, but like you my legs feel heavy. I no longer feel that flow that I used to get from my walks. Whereas I used to feel good when I got back, now I just feel tired and worn out. I also feel clumsy - I keep knocking into things. I don't know how many times I've managed to bang my head into the kitchen cupboards. Sometimes it's though I'm just stumbling through life in general. Mary - thank you so much for your extensive research. I remember reading all of those grief behaviors and feelings early on. But I would have thought that after 16 months I'd be past most of it. However - the part about stress made me stop to reflect. I am definitely stressed. Everything stresses me - taking care of the house and practical stuff alone, dealing with all the bills and the mortgage - having to work an extra freelance job (when I can get it) to pay for everything, worrying about my kids - and again about money because kids=money sometimes, worrying about the future - should I stay here or should I move? Stress from being alone with all my decisions. And stress from sheer loneliness and longing for my husband. The stress must being wearing me down. I know that I have many nights where I can't sleep at all. Not sure if it's the grief or the stress. Probably both. My neck and shoulders are so tense I get headaches regularly. I should probably see a massage therapist. But that costs money too. I still don't get why this had to happen to me. I know it happens to a lot of people, but I see other women my age happily living their normal lives and I wonder why I couldn't be allowed to do the same. Sorry - a moment of wallowing in self-pity there. We're all in the same boat here. I'm just so tired. And the Christmas holidays has just be made feel even more so. Melina

Mary, Thanks for commenting here. It does help to hear that others have felt the same way. I'm hoping my brain will start functioning normally soon, along with my body. I'm feeling pretty exhausted. Every time I think about starting a project, I get halfway through the planning phase and think "oh forget it". Just can't follow through on anything. Melina

Thanks Dave and Dwayne, Dwayne - I already walk an hour every day with the dog. I don't think more walking will change anything. Maybe I need some other form of exercise. Dave - it would be interesting to find some research on this. I know that depression can affect cognition, and maybe grief affects us in similar ways. Glad to hear you're doing better. The future does still seem overwhelming to me too. I try not to think too far ahead. Melina

Well Christmas is over and thank god for that. I've had a huge group of twenty-something sons and daughters-in-law, etc visiting me for Christmas holidays. A few will be here a couple more weeks. They're great kids and they've been a comfort. But I desperately wish their father were here with us. I've noticed while talking and walking with my kids that I seem to have become slower over the course of the last year. It's been 16 months since my husband died of cancer, and I'm more or less handling the grief. However, my mind and body have both become sluggish. I'm worried that this will continue or maybe even get worse. I'm not sure if grief does this to people. I work as a neuropsychologist, so I've been trying to read up on grief and cognitive function, but there's not a lot of literature on the subject. I feel - to put it simply - as though I'm growing stupid. I have trouble concentrating and staying focused, so that might be part of it. My memory is terrible. I keep searching for words and can't find them. Granted, I do have to function in two languages. I speak English with my kids - my native language - and Norwegian at work, since I live in Norway. Moving back and forth between the languages was never a problem before. But now I can't seem to find the words. Sometimes I sit at my computer at work, about to write a report, and think "What's going on here? I have no idea what I'm talking about". Physically I feel almost as though I have some sort of chronic fatigue syndrome. I used to be able to run through the woods with my dog. Now I can barely make it up a hill. I don't have trouble catching my breath, but my body feels like dead weight - like lead. It's such an effort to move. It's an effort to do anything. This is very strange. I'm doing a little better with the grief. I have days where I don't cry at all. But maybe all the grief has been shut away in my body and cognitive function. Does this sound familiar to anyone else? I've been to the doctor. Blood tests and check-up look fine, apart from a knee with a meniscus rip that will need surgery. I'm not on any medication that might drag me down. I eat healthy and am not overweight. All ideas welcome. Melina

Becky, I've been reading a lot of books on life after death, and this fits in so well. It did bring me comfort. I just hope it's really true. Melina

Jeanie, Thanks for replying. I'm so sorry you lost your partner at such a young age. Grief does affect the body. I wasn't prepared for the sheer physical exhaustion of grieving. I'm grateful at least for the chance to exchange experiences with others in the same situation here. Melina

Thanks Mary, Dwayne and Kay for for your comments. It helps to know there are friends who get it here, since I'm just not able to find that sense of community in my life otherwise. Melina

I've never been angry with my husband for getting lung cancer and dying. That certainly wasn't his fault and he didn't want to leave us. I have been very angry with myself, since I think I could have done a much better job as caretaker and wife. But I was simply in shock and denial. And I've been bitter with life and the world for allowing this to happen. I've never been very social, never had many friends, and my childhood and teenager years were difficult. I finally found a best friend and partner, someone I felt safe with and loved. But then he was taken away from me, while other men his age - and not very good men - are allowed to walk around in good health. Other women are allowed to keep their husbands until they grow very old. So it's that "why me" thing. I try not to think about all this, but it's not easy. Melina

It's been 16 months now since I lost my husband. Things are probably different now than they were to begin with. I spent pratically the first six months in shock, fear, pain and desperation, and since then it's been a roller coaster. I'm functioning okay and outwardly I probably seem just fine. I'm sure no one suspects the pain I'm still carrying around with me. It's hard living this double life. Christmas is soon here, and I'm trying to make an effort for our sons. They're all coming home - one with his wife. It sounds as though they're looking forward to it. This is my second Christmas without my husband - their father. Our sons are managing quite well now and I'm pleased that all four of them are moving on in life. They're excited about the future - their educations, future careers, meeting new people, getting married and having kids. All four are in their twenties and they've got their lives ahead of them. I enjoy their company and I do love them. I just wish I could share in their excitement and optimism. I wish I could look forward to one day being a grandmother. I wish I enjoyed being alive. Unfortunately, I feel trapped. My husband and I had so many plans - things we'd do when the nest was empty. Now he's gone and those plans are gone and the thought of having to live the rest of my life - however long that is - seems almost too exhausting to bear. I don't have much money and will have to work until retirement age. That's another 14 years. Another 14 years of being alone, going to work, coming home, going to bed, getting up and starting all over again. People keep telling me to get out and socialize. I do, out of obligation, but I find that exhausting too. They want me to start dating, but I can't even stand the thought. They also tell me to get a hobby, but I don't enjoy doing anything right now, and even if I did, I'm too tired to manage anything apart from the necessary stuff. Several people here have mentioned feeling angry. I felt angry too, and bitter that this had to happen to me when so many of our friends are still healthy and married and living normal lives. Now that anger is gone and I just feel tired and trapped. I don't know why I'm posting this and I'm probably bringing people down. I just don't know what to do. I suppose I'll bring this to my grief counselor and see what happens. Part of the problem, I think, is that I'm so alone. I have my kids - but they are in different parts of the world and leading their own lives. I have a few friends, but they're still living their normal lives and don't really understand. My siblings haven't been in touch since my husband's death. Neither have his siblings, apart from his youngest sister who sends e-mails now and then. I'm getting Christmas cards from various people with "Wishing you a merry christmas and happy new year". I have to laugh at that - what else can I do? I wish I knew how to find joy again. Melina

Even eloquence can't describe the pain grief inflicts upon us. It's hard all the time, but especially during the holidays. And especially when those holidays are all about being together and everyone being "merry". Hang in there - that's what the rest of us are trying to do. Melina

Marty, This is a comforting statement - mainly because it frees us from having to worry about what the world thinks of us or the world thinks we should be doing. But what if nothing really makes you feel alive? I'm still waiting to really feel alive. I'm still just going through the motions. Melina

Mary, I know how badly you're feeling - and you know you can always come here, or get in touch with me. We get it. I think that grief scares people. Strong emotions scare people too. Most people aren't used to dealing with it. Also, I think if you haven't been there - really deep in the trenches of grief, you can't get it. Not really. When I think back before Thyge died, I've been in contact with other people who had lost their husbands. But I'm quite sure I didn't understand the depth of the despair they felt. My words must have sounded hollow to them too. Though I don't think I ever thought "Snap out of it", I did feel pretty useless when it came to offering comfort. That's the best part of a grief support group. We all get it. We've all been there - we all ARE there. There are few words that can truly describe the utter aloneness of our new existence. But I suppose we can take some comfort in being in this together. Melina

Mary, I know you had those exceptions in mind. I just wanted to use the post to make a point. I really don't think I could have coped without the antidepressants. But I do wish I had listened to others and been more careful with tranquilizers and alcohol. Still - I've managed to cut that out now. It's possible that the new wave of grief I've felt the last few months - very intense - could be due to my "waking up" from the tranquilizers. We make so many mistakes when life tosses us around, but then we're only human. Kay, I also felt that sudden need for a new partner, just a few months after my husband died. Luckily there were no men around, or I might have made a similar mistake. I didn't really want a new partner - I was just desperate to the point of hysteria, terrified of my "new" life. The pain was too great for me to be able to think clearly. Sorry you had to go that route - but at least you've learned something from it. Looking back, I think I've literally been out of my mind with grief. I haven't been able to think clearly, I've done lots of things that make no sense and seem basically a little crazy. Now I'm settling down. Life is not good, but it's manageable. I don't feel desperate and I can accept having to live the rest of my life alone. It might be preferable to living with someone that's not Thyge. I don't look forward to the rest of my life, but I suppose I'll manage somehow. Melina

I understand the general perspective here that one should not use medication of any kind while grieving. But speaking on behalf of those of us who throughout our lives have had to deal with periods of debilitating depression - let me just state that sometimes medication is necessary. I'm not saying that one should medicate grief. Grief isn't an illness, I know. But stress will often trigger a depression in those predisposed to the illness - and what could possibly be more stressful than the overwhelming grief after the loss of a loved one? I do believe that tranquilizers can delay the grief process and that one should be wary of those. I'm speaking from experience. Alcohol is probably not a good idea either. We have to be careful. I get it. But again - if someone is clinically depressed, then antidepressants can be of help while they're getting other forms of treatment - counseling or therapy. Depression is such a crippling illness, and in extreme cases it can even end in suicide. Isn't medication better than that? I don't think we should feel ashamed of having to seek this kind of help. Melina

Mary, I wrote that first post just after my husband's death. I still have bouts of guilt that suddenly grab me and bring me down. But I've had to make a conscious decision to block those thoughts out. It may not be the best way of dealing with it, but right now it's all I can do. I'm so stressed by life - working, paying bills, worrying about kids, worrying about whether or not I ought to move - and if so - how to do that, worrying about whether or not to rehabilitate the house - which of course has to do with whether or not I should move. All this on top of this intense loneliness and emptiness. I just don't have room for guilt too! Sometimes I feel as though I've been a terrible person - really evil. So if I allowed guilt entrance, it would flood me - knock me down. I can't afford it if I want to stay relatively sane and be there for our children. It seems to me you've done everything you could in the circumstances. We're only human. Melina

I had a dream the other night where I was sitting on the sofa and crying. My husband was sitting next to me. I wanted him to hold me and say everything would be all right, but he didn't. He just sat there while I cried. I told my grief counselor about the dream, and she said it sounded like I'd finally accepted the fact that my husband was dead and not coming back. I don't feel I've completely accepted it. Some days the whole thing seems as unreal as it did just after it happened 15 months ago. Now and then I stop up in the middle of the day and think 'Did this really happen?'. It seems astonishing that after 30 years together, he just isn't here any longer. Not that I expect him to suddenly appear, but I somehow can't believe he's truly gone. He was such a major part of our lives in this family. Does anyone else feel this way after such a long time? Melina

Blw215, I also lost my husband to lung cancer - even though he'd never smoked a cigarette in his life. He only lived one year after the diagnosis, and we both existed in the illusion that he would survive this thing. He'd always been so healthy. When I lost him about 15 months ago, I had this sort of weird grief adrenaline rush and managed get all kinds of things done - some of them I didn't even need to do. But now that energy is gone and I also feel overwhelmed by life. I forget a lot of things and have to write every task in a calendar. I even have trouble remembering what day it is. If I didn't have to work full time, I'd probably never go anywhere - it's exhausting. And I'm 53. I have wonder what I'll be like in ten years or twenty. If I'm lucky, I'll forget the grief, though unfortunately, I don't see that as likely. Melina

I think you summed it up well - the fatigue and that feeling of "nothing matters" is pervasive. For me, and for all of us I'm sure, there are a few distractions during the day - work, a film on tv, dinner with the kids or with friends. These things distract me from the deepest grief. But the fatigue and general enormous disappointment with life is always hanging there in the background, like a grey, drizzly day. All the practical stuff we have to get through alone is pretty exhausting too. I tend to feel bitter then - why did I have to be stuck with all this - alone? I try to keep in mind those widowed women in different parts of Africa, trudging through the desert with starving kids and no one to help them. They have nothing at all. It's hard though, to keep that perspective. Melina

Deborah, I think I'll be where you are when I reach the six-year mark. It's been nearly 16 months for me now - but life will never be the same. At least you know you're not alone. Melina

At 15 months, I'm trying to learn to live with loss - but it is harder than I thought it would be. I think people have expected me to move on and stop all the self-pity. Is it self-pity or is it grief? Many of you on this site are still struggling with grief after several years (Marty reminded me of this). What surprises me are all the people outside in the world who seem to have no sensitivity whatsoever. I recently attended a writer's conference in the states and met a lot of nice people. Some of them I've known for years. At the same time there were women who spoke loudly about their husbands, their long marriages and how glad they were that they had made it that far. They would joke about what they'd do if their husbands were to die, or what their husbands would do if they went first. They'd joke about how their husbands planned to live forever. Why this was a topic of conversation - I'm not sure. Maybe my widowhood was unsettling them, and that's what was on their minds. Is it just me being overly sensitive - or would it be more normal to consider the widow standing right next to them before saying things like that? They all knew I was widowed a year ago. Did they think I was over it? Did they secretly want to hurt me? Or was it their fear talking? At work the other day someone was actually making cremation jokes at lunch - while I was sitting there! My husband was cremated. I understand that people just don't think before they speak sometimes, but they kept doing it. When I mentioned it later to a couple of people - they just brushed it away, saying something about "oh, they probably weren't thinking - forget about it". So why didn't someone else stop them? Why didn't I stop them? I don't know. I myself may not have been as sensitive as I should have been around those who had had this kind of loss, but I don't think I was ever this crass. Should we expect people to show a little sensitivity at this point or do we just have to live with comments and behavior like this? Is this self-pity? If so - how do I continue being out among people? I can't stay in my house forever. I have to work. And I should probably try to become social. But I'm not sure I can handle it. You never know when someone is going to say something stupid. How do the rest of you protect yourselves? Melina

Thanks Marty, Mary and Dwayne. Your voices help me feel less alone. My kids, I know, are there for me, but they're more concerned with their own young lives and futures - and that is as it should be. I wouldn't want it any other way. It's good to see them flying free - knowing they've grown and learned to manage themselves despite their own grief and loss of their beloved father. No one else - apart from this group - seems to understand. Not my friends, not my colleagues - and least of all others in my family (siblings, in-laws, etc.). At work people look at me with astonishment when I mention that I'm still grieving. They either tell me to "do something about it" (i.e. stop whining), or just wave it away and stop talking about it. What surprises me the most is people who have no sensitivity whatsoever. At this conference I went to - I met many nice people - people I enjoyed being with and liked. At the same time there were women who spoke loudly about their husbands, their long marriages and how glad they were that they had made it that far. They would joke about what they'd do if their husbands were to die, or what their husbands would do if they went first. They'd joke about how their husbands planned to live forever. Is it just me being overly sensitive - or would it be more normal to consider the widow standing right next to them before saying things like that? They all knew I was widowed a year ago. Did they think I was over it? At work the other day someone was actually making cremation jokes. At lunch - while I was sitting there! I understand that people just don't think before they speak sometimes, but they kept doing it. When I mentioned it later to a couple of people - they just brushed it away, saying something about "oh, they probably weren't thinking - forget about it". So why didn't someone else stop them? I don't know. I myself may not have been as sensitive as I should have been around those who recently had this kind of loss, but I don't think I was ever this crass. Should we expect people to show a little sensitivity at this point or do we just have to live with comments and behavior like this? If so - how do I continue being out among people? I'm not sure I can handle it. You never know when someone is going to say something stupid. How do the rest of you protect yourselves? I'm going to post this part on the spouse site as well. There seem to be very few of us here - and I need more feedback. But I am very grateful for your responses and friendship. Marty - thanks for the book recommendations. I'm not sure I can read any more books on this subject now, but maybe if there's one that goes past the funeral and all that - I could use it. I've been reading mainly books on the idea of life after life. I suppose that's the main thing on my mind these days. Melina