melina

Mary, I haven't been around on this site, so I didn't realize you'd had surgery. I'm wishing you a quick recovery, so try to avoid anything that will hurt your eye. Thanks for your kind thoughts and being here for me despite what you've just been through. Melina

Thanks Harry, I'm afraid I can't express myself in the same eloquent manner, but to put it simply: I've had a truly, awful day, and it helps to have someone listen who understands. I miss my husband - my best friend - deeply right now and have just been feeling miserable and alone. That's as poetic as I can get right now, but I'm sure you know what I'm talking about. Melina

It was three years for me on August 5th, and I asked Marty to help me find all my posts from the last three years. She was very helpful, I found them all and I looked through them. I was going to print them but quickly realized I'd practically be destroying a small forest if I did, so I just copied them to a file and stored them on a flash drive. I see that I'm not as desperate as I was to begin with, but I'm still stuck in that rut I posted here in April, only slightly worse. I should be thankful that I have my health, my kids, a home, a job, etc. etc, but still I feel as if I'm not really alive and that nothing really matters - just waiting around for life to pass. Putting on a smiling face for work doesn't make me feel any happier and sometimes I wonder how long I can continue this way. Does anyone feel like this after such a long time? Sorry for complaining. Wish I wasn't so whiny. Melina

Hi Fae, Thanks, but it's Arlene who is struggling with IBS. And I'm sorry to hear about both you and Arlene struggling with medical problems. I hope things will get better. Fortunately I'm not dealing with any medical illness. I have a slipped disc, which is annoying, but I feel lucky to be healthy - for now anyway. If only I didn't have the grief.... Melina

I take melatonin for sleep too. It doesn't always work - but it depends on my state of mind. If I'm thinking a lot about the past or worrying about the future it's always hard to sleep. Even after three years, it's hard to predict how I'll feel from day to day, or even hour to hour. I can feel fairly balanced one day and be crying and feeling depressed the next. I can have an hour of feeling miserable and then feel a little better. I can't remember the last time I felt joyful, but I can feel somewhat optimistic now and then. I don't cry as much as I used to, but when I do it can come out in floods. I think it depends on what triggers certain feelings. So many things remind me of my husband - or rather the lack of him. Experiencing something I would have been experiencing with him, or seeing other couples enjoying life together. It doesn't take much. Having a medical condition often affects moods - having to struggle with illness alone is always difficult. Melina

Mary - I didn't know you were still taking in clients. Is this grief counseling? When do you have your surgery? Oddly enough my eldest son and his wife are in Rockport, Maine now. She grew up there and her parents are living there, so they're looking to settle somewhere in Maine, but probably not Rockport. Harry - I love the Tao. I have it on my night table and read from it now and then before going to sleep. Kay - are you struggling with home repairs too? I hate having to deal with house stuff, and electricians, carpenters and plumbers are so expensive. I have a few tools and have learned to do many things by myself, but I don't enjoy it, and often it comes out looking a little wonky. I've found that an electric drill/screwdriver is a great tool - but it doesn't replace windows or fix an electrical problem. Nor does it mow the lawn. I'm tired of dealing with a house, but I will never move into an apartment unless I have to. A smaller, more intact house with a small yard would be nice though. Anne - I agree that people should not be identified by the color of their skin. Unfortunatly, racism is still an issue most people with darker skin have to deal with every day. Melina

Anne - My goodness, Arizona certainly is beautiful. I've never been there, but my husband and I always talked about doing a cross-country trip from Seattle to Maine and stop, among other places, in Arizona. We never made that trip together, but we did manage to see most of Europe. Mary - Arkansas and the Ozarks sound wonderful as well. I've heard so much about the Ozarks. Would love to visit both places! I guess one of my concerns is being able to see my kids and potential grandkids fairly often - so maybe somewhere along the east coast would be easier. Then again, I grew up in Seattle, and do love the west coast - but that's even farther. Another concern is racism. I'm white, but one of my daughters-in-law is black, and I'll probably have grandkids who identify as black. Granted, I've been living abroad for 30 years, but I'm worried that the south and southwest might be difficult for that reason. Please, please feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. Racism is everywhere - also along the east coast. And I'm sure most people living the south and southwest are good people and not racist. So I know that I'm generalizing, but since I'm living over here, I get a lot of my information from the media. Melina

By the way, Mary, I loved the quote by John Donne. Thank you! Hoping your surgery goes well. I'm sure it will...

Fae, Stephen and Mary - and Harry, and Kay.... I'm not moving yet - but I have made the decision to sell the house and move at some point. We moved here due to financial trouble while my husband was ill with cancer and I have no attachments to this house. My husband only had a month here before dying a terrible death in the hospital. To me, this is a house of cancer and tragedy, but also, strangely enough, a house of strength - where I learned how to manage on my own. I still don't want to stay here though - and I don't want to die here. Even if I loved the place, it's far too much work for one impractical woman to manage. After 30 years abroad, I'm serious about moving back to the states. I just need some time to figure out where to go. Then I need to find a job, sell the house and pack up myself and the dog and leave. I have no idea where I should go. Our eldest son and his wife are now living in Maine. Our second eldest will probably be living on the east coast somewhere with his wife, our third son is in Australia and the fourth is currently studying in Japan. I just feel a little homesick for my own language and maybe a few old friends. But it may prove very difficult to move back. All I know is that I'm not moving to Florida. I'm terrified but lonely enough over here that I'm willing to take a few risks. Melina

I have a positive that might seem a little strange. As most of you know, I work as a neuropsychologist. These last two weeks I've had a forced vacation - meaning our hospital department shut down for three weeks (last one is next week), forcing us all to take our vacation at the same time. So instead of going on vacation - which I didn't feel like doing alone - I've taken a few private practice patients instead. All last week I've been assessing patients, but instead of just testing them and getting a brief overview of their difficulties, I took time out to hear their life stories. I figured it might help me to better understand their difficulties. As I sat there listening to each of the stories - many of them quite sad - I had the strangest feeling that here we were, two souls that have both been on a long journey. Like travelers hundreds of years ago stopping at an inn and sharing tales of their travels. I couldn't share mine, of couse, but as I listened I felt oddly as though we'd started out from the same spot, stopped to share an account of the journey so far, and will continue until we return to where we started. It's hard to describe properly. Not sure if you understand what I mean. It was a feeling of being connected with everyone - that we're all connected. It was a brief feeling of something positive. Anyway - next week I have no private patients, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all that time. I suppose I should work on the house and get it ready for sale. I just sort of lack the initiative to actually get something practical done. Melina

Thanks Kay, I appreciate the support of friends here. Mary - sorry to hear it was a tough day. Sorry for forgetting. I'm not always on this site. My wedding anniversary is July 9th, and the "other" anniversary is August 5th. Melina

Thanks Mary and Stephen - it helps to know that someone out there understands. Mary - I didn't know about your anniversary yesterday, sorry. Hope you got through it okay. Stephen - I think I understand about wanting to live alone. Despite feeling lonely, I think I prefer living alone to trying to adapt to someone else. Melina

In about a week it will be our wedding anniversary - would have been married 31 years had he lived. A month later will mark the three year anniversary of his death. I'm having one of those days where the grief just strikes out of nowhere - suddenly hits you in the gut. I haven't cried for months, at least not much, but today the tears are flowing. I just have this longing to talk with him. This is such an exhausting journey. Melina

Lina, I still feel angry - even now at 34 months. But the anger isn't as bad as it was early on. I also still feel envious - mostly of those who still have husbands, but also of those who feel no guilt or who feel they've been as perfect a spouse as possible. I also thought of suicide early on - but I knew I could never do that to our sons. Still - the thought popped up from time to time. All the things you're going through and have mentioned here - they're all normal. But each of us also has a unique grief, since each of us are unique individuals with a unique history. Share what you feel you need to share - and I think I can guarantee that someone here will say they recognize it and understand. Melina

Thank you so much for the birthday greetings! You wouldn't believe how much this made my day. Feeling alone - but I'm leaving for a conference in Istanbul tomorrow, and somehow traveling away from this place helps me travel away from my ruminating. I was wondering about something. I still have some of my husband's ashes, and he always wanted to see Istanbul. Would it be weird if I were to take some of his ashes in a little jar and spread them in the city when I'm there? I'm sorry for not keeping up with everyone else's special days. I will try to be more attentive. Thank you all for being who you are.... Melina

Harry - I just read your posts, and I recognize so much of what you've said. Maybe I'm emotionally male since I can't seem to commune with others the way other women seem to be able to. I had a very distant relationship with my parents, and still feel disconnected from my mother and siblings. It's hard to connect with friends the way I once thought I did. Not sure how far you are in this process. It will be three years for me in August - so 2 years, 10 months for me. I also feel both physically and emotionally exhausted, even though I'm trying to take care of myself. I exercise, eat healthy, blah, blah, blah. I seem to be drained of hope for the time being - but have enough hope left to hope that hope will return. If that makes any sense. Maybe it just takes more time than we thought. Melina

All I really wanted to know is if others were experiencing similar "symptoms" - so that I could feel I wasn't abnormal. So thank you all for your replies. It helps to know that some of you are going through the same things. I do think that there is a tendency to overdiagnose normal human experiences - labeling reactions to difficult circumstances as disorders. I think my main problem right now is that I'm very lonely and find it hard to connect with others. It's difficult not having my best friend here any longer. Other friends just don't fill his place. I just went through a 4 day weekend, and it was much harder that I had expected. Melina

Mary, This is a good article. The only difference here is that these are families or couples rebuilding life together. We're doing it alone. That's what makes it so tough. Melina

Thank you, Marty. Melina

Marty, The fact that you suggest I see a professional therapist indicates to me that what I'm going through is not normal. I already see a grief counselor. I've been seeing her since my husband died. Going to a psychologist seems pointless since I know all my colleagues around here. I'd have to go somewhere far away, and that would require a lot of planning and researching. All I really wanted was to hear other people's experiences. Melina

I have been reading about Prolonged Grief Disorder - or PGD - as it's referred to. It's been suggested as a new diagnosis for ICD-11 and DSM-5. Fortunately it's not been included - as far as I know. I think there are far too many diagnoses for normal human conditions as it is. However, I'm starting wonder about my grief as I approach the three year mark. "Symptoms" of PGD include: 1. Confusion about one's role in life or diminished sense of self ( i.e. feeling that a part of oneself has died) 2. Difficulty accepting the loss 3. Avoidance of reminders of the reality of the loss 4. Inability to trust others since the loss 5. Bitterness or anger related to the loss 6. Difficulty moving on with life (i.e. making new friends, pursuing interests) 7. Numbness (absense of emotion) since the loss 8. Feeling that life is unfulfilling, empty, or meaningless since the loss 9. Feeling stunned, dazed or shocked by the loss Having 5 or more of these symptoms is required for the diagnosis - and it has to be at least 6 months since the loss. I am experiencing symptoms 1, 3, 4, 5, 6 and 8. It goes on to say that the symptoms have to affect one's daily life to a large degree: "The bereaved person who suffers from PGD feels devalued and in constant turmoil, with an inability to adjust to (if not a frank protest against) life without the beloved. PGD is defined by its symptoms, duration and intensity. The symptoms are present every day, cause significant distress and functional impairment and remain intense, frequent and disabling for six months or more after the death." I'm functioning normally at work, but my private and social life is certainly suffering. I can't seem to connect with people any longer. Their interests seem alien to me. I don't have the energy to participate socially and when I try, I always feel like an outsider. I just don't belong anywhere. Much of my identity must have been very tied up in my family, and now that my husband is gone and my children have moved away, I only have my work left. And my dog. But it's not enough. Maybe there is something wrong with me. Maybe my grief is abnormal. I can't seem to find my place in the world. Melina

Even if we were to do away with pollution or pesticides or anything else we shouldn't be getting in our bodies, we will still die one day. Even if we all loved and cared for one another and didn't drink or smoke, and exercised every day - all of us - we'd still die. Granted, we'd be healthier while alive, but eventually we all die. I have a great uncle, a horrible man who never cared about anyone. He's just reached the age of 96, and smoked and drank every day of his adult life. I seriously doubt he has any inner peace. But all he ever cared about was making money. I'm sorry to be so cynical, but I do agree that the world could be a lot better. And there are a lot of people out there working to make the world a better place. I wish more efforts were focused on doing away with greed and the struggle for power that costs hundreds and thousands, even millions of lives - people dying in wars, of hunger and from violence. Or people dying of diseases we've cured ages ago because they can't afford the medical treatment. And meanwhile our planet is slowly being poisoned in the name of profit. I hope they find a cure for lung cancer one day, so that people won't have to go through what my husband did. And he never even smoked. But I also hope that they find a cure for greed so that more children will be able to grow up with enough food, education, a safe place to live and someone to take care of them. Melina

Jan, I read NDE accounts all the time. I frequently check up on the NDE accounts on the NDERF site (Near Death Experience Research Foundation - by Jeffrey and Jody Long). Some accounts are very inspirational and give me hope, and others, I have to say, sound a little suspicious. I know that Anita Moorjani posted her experience on this site years ago. Her account has always bothered me for the reasons you mentioned. She makes it sound as though if only we had the right "energy" we wouldn't have cancer or other debilitating diseases. That it's not enough to get medical help, because the cancer will return due to wrong energy. How can a small child with leukemia have the wrong energy? It doesn't make sense. Granted, I haven't read her whole book, but this type of stuff only makes me feel even more guilty. Should I have helped heal my husband in other ways? Did I burden him with the wrong energy? I think that for some people, it's just their time, and for others, it's not. The field of medicine will probably develop to the point where cancer will be curable, but there will always be disease and there will always be death. I don't think that death is the end of life, however. Death is just a transition to a new life - one we will all have one day. Melina

Fae, I forgot to thank you for your words. I wish I could say I'd done everything I could to help my husband, but his illness developed so quickly, I felt I was on a roller coaster ride I had no control over. I was not always the compassionate, perfect wife. So much happened in such a short time, that I was stressed out of my mind. We never thought he would die from the illness - we had such faith that he would survive. It was such a shock when he died, that I think it took me the better part of a year - or even two - before the realization hit me. So I've never had that comfort of knowing I did my best. I will always feel the guilt. Melina

Mary, I understand you're scared about the surgery. And it's extra scary not having Bill there to help you through it. I guess you just have to weigh the benefits vs the drawbacks. I hope you have a doctor you can trust that can help you make the decisions. I'm such a skeptic when it comes to alternative methods, and the healing field seems to be full of quacks, but since I've never encountered a healer, I should probably not pass judgement. There is an old man in the far north of Norway who is nationally known as a healer. He healed for free, but is very old now and has asked not to be disturbed. Some people have said he is the real thing. But he was very selective as to who he tried to heal. His motto was that certain people should be "free to go", meaning that for certain people, it was their time. I could make myself crazy thinking about all the things I could have done to save Thyge from the lung cancer. And I have made myself crazy thinking about those things. I've agonized over them. But given that most things cost money, which we didn't have, and that things happened so fast, and also that neither of us had the time to take in the fact that he might die - I guess there was nothing we could do apart from follow the doctor's instructions. Thyge and I were both fans of a series of children's books written by a Finnish author. They were the sort of books that were both for children and adults - very poetic and beautiful, but with lots of humor. We used to quote from the books to each other. One of the things we both quoted was a line from one of the stories that took place in early summer: that if the first butterfly you see at the start of summer is white, it will be a peaceful summer. If it's brown, it will be a sad summer. If it's yellow, it will be an exciting adventure of a summer. Well - the first butterfly he saw in 2009 was brown. Shortly after, we got his cancer diagnosis. It was an awful summer. The first butterfly he saw in 2010 was yellow - and we convinced ourselves it was a sign - a wonderful summer. But that summer he died. So much for butterfly stories. But then later I thought - well, maybe for him, it was and still is an exciting adventure. After reading dozens of NDE accounts, it seems to me that those who pass over to the next life are generally thrilled to be there. They don't want to come back. So maybe we can only do what we can to help them, and hope that they're happy and waiting for us in a place where there is no time. I'm not saying that you shouldn't try what you can to heal your eyes. That's different, since you're not trying to stop yourself from dying - you just want to be able to see properly. So if you can afford a healer, and you really believe it might work - then maybe you should try. Melina