melina

I talk to my husband all the time. How lucky you were to have had 46 years. We had 30, but I'm also struggling with this feeling of being alone. I ask my husband for help, especially when I'm worried about our sons. Sometimes I just talk to him, asking what he thinks, how he is, and complain a little about how lonely and tired I am. I guess this is natural when someone has been at your side for half a lifetime. Melina

QueenieMary - sorry to hear about your cousin's son. It's going to be a tough road for them all. It's a good thing they have family. I often reflect that if I'd had family around me - a network - I would have managed much better. Mary - I hope you can have the surgery done. It must be frightening to think about - but most cataract surgeries do go very well. Will keep everyone in my prayers. I'm starting to wonder who really listens to these prayers - but again, if we're all part of the same light, then maybe everyone responds in some way. Melina

Again thank you everyone for your replies. I've spent some time reading through all of them, thinking about them, trying to apply them in my daily life. Nice to hear from you all again - Mary, Marty, Kay, Harry - and all the rest of you who I still don't know well. But I do know a little about how it feels to be you. Kay and Marty - and Mary too - thanks for your responses about how to deal with grown children. I know they have to live their own lives now, but I do feel it's almost harder now than it was when they were small and we had some control over their lives. We could still help and mold them. Now it's up to them and I'm always afraid we haven't done a good enough job. I guess no one is perfect though. I hurt when they hurt and I'm tired of hurting. I just wish I could come to grips with why I'm feeling so lost and tired now, after nearly three years. I seriously did have more energy that first year. I may have cried nearly all the time, but I certainly got a lot done. Now I don't cry, but I just seem to shuffle around like a cow (do cows shuffle?) trying to figure out my life. I wish my guardian angel - if I have one - would suddenly appear and tell me what I'm supposed to do and point me in the right direction. I wish I could just sit down and talk with my husband, my best friend. That's basically what I really want. I still practice as a psychologist - which must seem bizarre to many of you. Somehow I am able to function well at work and do a fairly decent job in my career - both as a neuropsychologist and a psychotherapist. People seem pleased with the work I do - at least most of the time. But when I come home, I'm this vague, directionless mess. It's as though I'm two completely different people.It's a very lonely existence. I hope things start to change soon. Granted, I should probably try to pay attention to the good things that happen, and do what makes me feel happy. If I can only figure out what those things are. Melina

Thanks for reaching out, Mary.I hope we've given our kids a good upbringing. But I'm wondering if we've prepared them enough for the harshness of the world. At times life just feels so overwhelming. And often it just takes one thing to tip me over. I feel as though I no longer have a buffer or a shield against difficult and painful things. I have no defense mechanisms. I know I've been isolating myself lately, and that probably just makes it worse. But I'm so tired of being around people who simply don't have the problems I'm facing. My friends here seem to enjoy life and take problems in their stride. Just don't know how to manage this. It's as though life is swallowing me whole. Anyway - thanks for being here.... Melina

Hi again. First off - thank you so much for all your comments. Carol Ann, it was good to hear from you again. I hope things are settling for you in a positive sense. I've read through all your replies again. Some days I wish it was possible to gather everyone on this site for coffee and a good talk. I don't really have anyone to talk to about these things here "in the flesh". Things are very difficult at the moment. I feel as though I've taken a huge step backwards. Mostly it has to do with my kids. They are all twenty-somethings. The youngest is a student and basically doing okay. The other three have completed their studies but are having trouble finding jobs. My husband and I always encouraged our sons to follow their hearts and their passions. That led to them studying things they were interested in, traveling to other countries to study, and also falling in love with girls from foreign lands. It sounds great - but in practical terms, it might not have been the best idea. They can't find work and the fact that their girlfriends/wives are from other countries has made it difficult to find a place to live and still be together. I feel like my husband and I made a big mistake by not encouraging them to find practical careers that would ensure their futures. Three of our four sons have been keeping a positive perspective, but one of them has become very depressed. I just don't know how to help him. I can't find him a job. He has a big student loan to pay off, and no income. His wife works, but nurses don't make that much money. I deeply wish my husband was here to talk to. I woke up this morning to a rainy Saturday and started to cry. If only he'd been here. We could spend the day doing stuff in the house and talk over this matter. This one son who is feeling down was especially close to his father. They could talk for a couple of hours on the phone. I know he feels the loss as much as I do. I just don't understand why it has to be this way. Why couldn't our lives run normally - as it seems to do for my colleages and friends and their families? It's just so unfair. And I feel like such a terrible parent. Is anyone out there? I need a shoulder or two to cry on. Melina

I am hoping to hear from people who lost their spouses three or more years ago. It will be three years for me in August and I've been doing really okay, but recently, a couple of months ago, I've started feeling worse again. It's not that my grief is worse - it's more a problem of figuring out how to have a life on my own. I have no idea who I am any longer, or what I want, or where I want to be. It's hard to figure this out, and even harder to express. Lately I've been noticing more and more how different my life is from others. I know other single people who do just fine, so I know it can be done. However, I suppose I had expected to come farther over the course of three years than I've done. I really thought I would have a normal life again, but things still seem wrong, like wearing poor-fitting clothes and uncomfortable shoes. Everyone at work talks about their daily events, their families, their plans - especially now that spring is on its way and people are thinking of summer and vacation time. It feels so alien. I used to be one of them, and now I have very little to share. In fact, apart from looking forward to the snow and ice melting, I don't really care about spring and summer. My sons are all living abroad - either going to school or working. One of them just got his Masters degree and has been very frustrated over not being able to find a job. I notice that I tend to take all their worries and pile it up on my own worries, until I can't do anything at all. I just don't have any energy left for a life - and if I did, what would I do? I'd like to be closer to my kids and possibly move back home to the states, but I don't seem to be able to get the energy or initiative to do anything about it. Plus, major life changes like this require money - and I don't have much of that either. I am really becoming concerned that I'll stay in this non-life rut forever, in limbo, and become this bitter person, envious of everyone else who has a partner and a life. I don't want that to happen, but I can feel that bitterness bubbling up quite frequently. Has anyone else had these kinds of feelings at this stage? I had more energy when I was newly bereaved than I do now. It's almost as though I'm just waiting for my days to run out, so I can move on to something better than this life. That sounds depressing, I know. I hate to wallow like this, but I really am at a loss. Any ideas are welcome. But just so you know, I don't have time to volunteer anywhere. I work full time and have two extra freelance jobs. Thanks, Melina

Nice to touch base with people again and to hear your thoughts on this. It's difficult for me to believe in signs and messages - because really we can interpret just about anything as a sign, if we really, really want to. I suppose it all comes down to personal beliefs. For example - one person might see a rainbow and believe it's a sign from a loved one who has passed away - but a thousand people might look at that same rainbow and think the same thing, that their loved one is sending them a message. Is it a message? Or is it just a rainbow? I suppose if you hold the view, as I do, that we're all connected, that we're all part of the universe trying to understand itself, then maybe we're all sending each other messages all the time, across some invisible dimensional divide - to let each other know that we're never alone. Melina

Let me first say hello to everyone here. It's been a while since I last posted. I get updates from time to time via e-mail, but haven't spent much time reading forum posts. It's now 2 years and 8 months since I lost my husband to cancer, and life is still difficult - but not as difficult as it used to be. Not so many tears. And I'm far more independent. I am managing okay. The grief is not as deep and desperate, apart from the occasional aftershock - even after this long. I feel a little more empty and apathetic than anything else. But again, I'm okay. In just a few months, all four of my sons will be living abroad - studying or working, two of them are married and one is living with his girlfriend. They've got busy lives, and I'll be stuck here, alone in a country that wasn't even mine to begin with. I still don't have many friends. It's hard to be social - easier to be alone. So I spend my days working, walking the dog and sleeping. I have two jobs - so I can afford to travel and see my "foreign" sons. Travel is really the only thing I look forward to. My goal is to one day have enough drive to sell this house and move, and enough money to leave the country - maybe go back home, or at least live near one or two of my sons. But back to SIGNS/MESSAGES: I experienced something strange today and shared it with Mary. I'm wondering if it might be a message. Before I lost my husband I did not believe in signs, messages from the deceased - or the afterlife for that matter. But after losing him, I have longed for something I could interpret as a sign. And I've had a few - but all could probably be explained very rationally indeed. Today I had a patient in for a cognitive assessment. I don't want to write too much about the person (patient confidentiality). Suffice to say that this person had learning disabilities and other cognitive and physical impairments. Since she had trouble walking, I took it upon myself to drive her to the bus station, something I don't normally do. When we arrived, she turned to me and said that she had the ability to "see" things. I asked her what kinds of things, and she said she could "see" the troubles of other people, that she just "knew" about them. I was thinking "yeah, right", but for some reason - I don't know why - I asked her if she thought she "knew" anything about me. She then said that she could see I had lost someone I loved a lot. Then she said that it was okay, that he was with me all the time, and that it was time for me to let go. I was stunned for a moment, but thanked her and she went off to take the bus. I've been thinking about it all afternoon and evening. Was this a message? Or did she know how to "play" people- the way all those "mediums" do. I don't trust mediums or psychics. I mean, almost everyone has lost someone, but what possible reason could she have to pretend to "know" something about me? And she has major learning/intellectual disabilities - so would she even have the ability to "trick" me this way? I'm guessing there is a very rational, reasonable explanation. But at the same time - I would love for this to be a message. What do you guys think? Do you believe in such things? Has anyone else experienced what they believe to be a message? Melina

Cindy, I've been coming to this site for two and half years, after my husband unexpectedly died of lung cancer - he was a non-smoker. We were together 30 years and have four grown sons - all in the twenties. The memories of sitting at the hospital after being told he wasn't going to make it, staring at the monitor, crying and hugging my kids - all of that still haunts me. It's a rough uphill climb to begin with, then things get a little more bearable after you realize you have to keep living without him, and figure out how to do that. Just after my husband died, I came here often. Now - just once in a while. I don't know many widows or widowers, not many people who have had to go through what I went through - but people in this forum have. They get it and will help you through as they helped me. You won't feel so alone. The hardest part of grief - apart from the loneliness, and the guilt (I tend to dwell on guilt), has been witnessing my childrens' grief and knowing their father won't be here for all the good times and bad times ahead. I like to believe he's still with us in some way - following our lives and cheering us on. I'm so deeply sorry for your loss - and I mean that. But hang in there, ride the waves and come here to share your thoughts and feelings. Melina

Beth, I'm impressed, and frankly in awe of the sheer energy and determination you've shown in selling and moving so quickly. I would like to do the same - start a new life somewhere, but there are things I have to consider, such as money. That's a big one. I have to work full time to survive, and I have a big mortgage on the house. I can't be free and independent, though I could possibly sell this house and buy a cheaper one in a different place. I'm in Perth, Australia now, visiting my third son. I attended his graduation from college last night. This trip has been an undertaking. About 25 hours of flying to get here. I'm staying in an AirBnB - an inexpensive B & B that's basically a room in someone's house. It's hard to describe this experience. On the one hand, I'm pleased I've been able to travel this far on my own, and I'm happy to see my son and meet his new girlfriend. Happy to be somewhere warm - hot, actually - and excited about seeing new things, new places. On the other hand, I still feel very much alone. The owners of the B & B are a very happily married couple. My son and his girlfriend are very much in love.I met my son's girlfriend's parents at the graduation, and they were holding hands and laughing together. Everywhere there are reminders of what I could have had. At times I feel pathetic and old, and I'm still only 54. Right now, I think I would like to have a partner to experience life with, but I don't think it will be easy to find one. I'm not beautiful and not very confident and extroverted. I often wonder what my purpose in life is supposed to be. Was it to love someone and put children on the planet? Because I've done that. Is there anything left for me to do now? If so, how and when will I know? Melina

Kay, Mary and Anne, I just wanted to thank all of you for replying, for understanding and for being you! I agree that staying in the moment is a good idea. I've tried to do that - but often it's difficult to not panic about the future. I do think I'm going to take a class in mindfulness and maybe also meditation. I tend to have a million thoughts in my head at once - all with their own emotions firing out all over the place. I'm tired of being stressed, and I know I have to do something about it if I want to have a halfway decent life in the years I have ahead. Thanks again for being there for me... Melina

This is about the challenges of being a single parent, but also about trying to be supportive of others, encouraging them while I myself often feel like collapsing. I have four sons - all in their 20s. All of them are college students at various stages of studies, two are married and the other two have girlfriends. They're good people and have turned out well. I'm proud of them. I know their father would be too - or perhaps he's watching over us and IS proud. My problem is that they're missing a major person in their lives - their father - and I can't be both father and mother. They all had good relationships with their dad. He was the calm, balanced one - I've maybe been more active, but also more worried and uptight. I have one son who especially tends to worry a lot and gets really down when things don't turn out well. Right now he's struggling to find a job, but even with a Masters degree, the job market isn't easy. He wants to talk about this with me - but I feel that what he really wants is to talk with his father. They could talk for hours at a time. I can't be that person. I get stressed when they're stressed, and though I try to hide it, I'm not always up to listening to them and don't really do a good job of it. It ends up wearing me out and I'm so stressed and worried that I can't sleep afterwards. This is weird - since I work as a psychologist and have to listen to people all day. Right now all I see ahead is problems and worries. Will my kids find work? Will they be happy in their relationships? Will they manage financially? Will I manage financially? Will I be alone the rest of my life? Will I have to provide comfort and support for others - but never receive it myself? I know my sons love me, but of course it's not the same as having a partner. I don't know how other widows/widowers are able to be there for others all the time. Sometimes I get so tired that I almost wish my life would end now - not because I'm suicidal, but because I just don't know if I have the energy to get through all the years to come. My stomach at times is in one big anxiety knot and I wonder how long I can dangle on the edge like this. I don't want to worry myself sick. I have few friends, and those I have don't really understand what I'm talking about. I have no other family nearby. I have little contact with my mother and siblings. My husband's family sort of drifted away and I don't hear from them. On top of all this are my financial concerns - and I'm working as much as I can. One full time job and freelance work whenever I can get it. Sometimes I feel that all I do is work and worry. Just needed to share this. Maybe someone else out there understands? Melina

Mary, Loneliness is something I live with every day. It can be so overwhelming that I do sometimes think about finding someone else to spend the rest of my life with. I'm 54, so the prospect of spending the next 20 or 30 years all alone fills me with panic. At the same time, I still feel such grief and longing to be with my husband, that I wonder how a new relationship would work. Would I still be grieving for my husband while spending time with this new person? I actually still feel married. His picture is on the wall in the kitchen. Our sons still miss their father very much. Is there room in my life for two people? I'm divided on this point. Plus I don't meet very many men through work, and I don't have much of a social life. So I don't know how I'd meet anyone new. Sometimes I feel trapped in this life. Trapped by obligations, money and even grief. How to break out? I just don't know. I'm just about to embark on a very long journey - to Australia, for a graduation. My third son is graduating from college over there. It will be a long trip - one I would have preferred to share with my husband. Particularly since this is our son. We should have been rooting for him together. But I have to force myself to do these things. In time maybe I'll feel more joy. I'm also grateful to have this place to return to when things get tough. Melina

Mary - I know what you mean. I have that experience fairly often. Something will suddenly bring up all the memories from THAT DAY. It can reduce me to tears and make it hard to concentrate on anything else. That can be a big problem if it happens at work, which it sometimes does. Sometimes I wonder if this was a trauma for me because I feel the anxiety and pain so intensely, as if I was back there, reliving it. A kind of flashback. Maybe it's the same for you. Will be thinking of you... Melina

Hi everyone - nice to "see" you here again. Kay - rainbows are amazing signs. How was your Christmas this year? Mary - sorry to hear you've been sick with the flu. Have you been sick throughout the holidays? Hope you're feeling a little better. I guess at least you didn't have to pretend to be "merry". But of course, it would have been better to feel well. Cosel - I guess signs are up for interpretation. It depends on how you look at them. If you believe in signs - there may have been many you may have overlooked. Others, I suppose, will say that there are rational explanations for everything. But we don't have to listen to them. My warmest wishes to all of you for a better "next year".... Melina

Thanks Marty...

Hello everyone, I've not posted here for a long while. I'm still here - doing okay, though still grieving. This is my third Christmas without my husband, 2 years and nearly 5 months since we lost him to cancer. I still can't write that without tears welling up in my eyes. I know that things are a little easier now than the first Christmas. I don't have that constant pain in my stomach and I no longer have to have Kleenex readily available at all times. I can manage my life and even make a few plans. That doesn't mean I don't miss him. I still have that intense desire to have him here with me, talk and laugh together. I still cry. This Christmas two of my sons are far away in other countries. The other two plus a daughter-in-law are spending the holidays with me. It's nice having them here, but oddly enough the grief can be even more intense when I'm with my kids. I want so much for their father to be here too, and I can see and hear how much they miss him. I just want to wish everyone a little happiness, maybe even some joy in the year to come. Or at least some relief from the pain and sorrow. I can't speak for everyone, but I do think it gets easier as time passes. Not great - not like it was when our partners were with us - but easier. Hang in there - we're all going through similar experiences. If I could manage to get this far - so can you. For those who have been on this journey as long as I have, or longer - I admire you for not having given up, for your endurance and tenacity. Yesterday morning my eldest son and I went for a walk along the beach, in the snow. We climbed up onto a hill where there is a view of a lighthouse that stands on a small island in the distance. We stood looking at the view, when suddenly there was a flash of light from the lighthouse. I mentioned it to my son. He looked and we saw one more flash. Then nothing. The weather was constant - no clouds - so I couldn't understand why the lighthouse flashed. Suddenly I remembered that we spread my husband's ashes right by that lighthouse, and I wondered if it could be a sign to us. Many of you may not believe in signs or the hereafter - but I choose to. I think he was sending us a message for Christmas. Wishing you all just a little more peace in the new year.... Melina

I am a licensed psychologist in Norway, with a specialist degree in neuropsychology and what's called a "Europsy" add-on degree which allows me to practice in Europe, as long as I speak the language. Which basically means the UK. My degree is called a "Candidatus psychologae" - which is what there was back then. I've been a licensed psychologist for 25 years and a specialist in neuropsychology for 6 of those years. Hey, can you get me a job in Wisconsin? Metteline

Oh, and I'm not sure if I want to return to Seattle. I'm actually thinking of the east. My foreign psychology degree won't allow me to work as a licensed psychologist in the states without a PhD. With the exception of two states - West Virginia and Vermont. So if I were to choose - I guess Vermont. But I'm sending my papers to an evaluation service, so we'll see. Melina

Mary, I have also been thinking about this post of yours. I've been doing a lot of thinking, as you can see. Apart from missing my husband, I've also been missing - well...my life, I guess. I miss living my life. Grief seems to have occupied my creative areas and forbidden any passion whatsoever. Grief and guilt. I've been isolating myself a bit more from things lately, and wondered if I was moving backwards again. But during this isolation, I've been rediscovering things I like to do. Or used to like to do. Figuring out who I am again. That's when the idea of moving back home cropped up. Like you, I believe I've needed this time on my hands. I don't have a lot of it since I'm working full time, but what's left over, I try to use in ways that make me feel a little more alive. Does that make sense? I'm so glad you're experiencing growth - and crossing that bridge. I'm also experiencing growth, but the bridge is still a little wobbly. I may need a little more time. Still following in your footsteps.... Melina

Cheryl, I've been thinking and thinking about this last post of yours, and have come to the conclusion that you're right. I have to do something. I have to make a change. I can't sit here for the rest of my life, waiting for my time to pass over to the next stage of existence. That will come, but in the meantime something has to happen. So I've almost made a surprising decision. After 30 years abroad, I think I want to move back to the states. There's a lot to consider, but at least I have a tentative plan. I've got four sons and three of them are planning to settle in the US or Canada with wives/girlfriend. I also have friends and siblings there. I'll have to discuss the matter with my youngest son - see if he would like to come with me - get his masters degree in the US maybe. Or work. I don't want to just up and leave him here alone. And the dog should be portable. It's a little scary. I'm glad I spent such a long time here in Europe, but now that my husband is no longer here with me, living here feels pointless and lonely. Looking back, I think I left Seattle at a young age because I felt stuck and I wanted adventure. Now I'm planning to do the same thing - but in the opposite direction. I wish my husband was here with me and that we were planning this adventure together. But hopefully he's rooting me on. Melina

Thanks Mary, maybe I just have to plow through this year the way I did the last one. I'm just worried that the energy is being gradually drained from me, so that come year four I'll be a dried out husk of a person. I still haven't been able to look in our photo albums. I wanted to get started on that so I can scan all the old negatives and have them stored digitally as well as on paper - just in case anything happens to them. But I can't seem to force myself to look at them. How lovely for you to read all the cards from Bill. We never did that kind of thing. Or I might have done that at the beginning of our relationship, but as time went on, there was so much else going on - like kids. I did find an old letter he'd sent to me once when I was visiting the states with the two oldest kids when they were toddlers. He was in Norway fixing up a house we bought. It was sort of bittersweet. I'm sure selling the Voice was a difficult decision, but I'm sure a very wise one. It's understandable you'd be feeling down after such a major decision. But I'm glad to hear you're doing a little better. At times I'm so tired I just feel I'm waiting around for my time to pass on and be with him. That's pretty depressing, I guess. And I have our kids to think about. I think I've hit a plateau and here I stand. Melina

Marty, This site looks interesting and I'll read it more closely when I get home from work. I know I come across as pessimistic and a general downer. I've tried to analyze this as best I can. And I think it comes down to this: - If I dare to let leave a wide door open for optimism, I'm scared more bad things will happen, and my distress will grow. This is what I call my "knock on wood" theory. - If I try to focus on the positives and be positive with people around me - I'm afraid they'll forget that I'm grieving. And I'll have to be alone in my sadness. Neither of these two things make any real sense. 1) I don't believe in a universe or a God that punishes people for being optimistic and happy. Bad things happen, and sometimes it happens despite your sunny perspective. 2) Also - I'm not showing other people (except you group members on this site) my grief. I'm keeping it hidden, so probably they've all forgotten about my husband and my grief anyway. I just can't seem to climb out of this pit. Melina

I just found this post and realized that my year three has started. Only the last few days it feels like year one, month one. When these aftershocks come - and so late, it feels as though I'm drowning in grief. I'm really tired of life and don't seem to be thriving at all. I honestly don't know if I can ever find my way out of this. Melina

Kay, maybe I'll do something about my introverted self one day too. I keep waiting for something to suddenly happen. But I suppose I have to make it happen. If only I had super powers. Mary - sounds great to be in a theater group. I was in a student theater when I was getting my B.A. at the University of Washington. Nats - I'm not quite sure what your story has to do with me, but that's nice to hear you're so happy with Brenda. Melina