melina

I've realized again that I need the support of friends. I feel like I should be able to manage without online support, and I can't help feeling like a failure. But things are very difficult. I'm at 20 months now and life feels overwhelming. Maybe it's not just grief. It could be that when you've been a team for nearly 30 years - dealing with all life's uncertainties and challenges - it's very hard to take on everything alone. I would have thought the first year taught me what I needed to know, but now in the second year new problems keep popping up. I switched jobs because I was struggling with a difficult boss. Now I have a good boss, but the job is much harder than I'd expected. I'm a psychologist, but in my last job I mostly worked with brain injuried patients, cerebral palsy and intellectual disabilities. Mostly I taught classes and did neuropsychological evaluations. Now I work with substance abuse clients, and it's mostly therapy. A lot of old traumas and really difficult lives in general. I don't think I'm equipped for this kind of work any longer. It used to be interesting - years ago. Now it just drains me and I find my own traumas hitting me when I come home. Added to this is a frustrated son (he's gotten his Masters degree and can't find work, plus his wife is in another country waiting for her citizenship papers so they can be together), and a son with medical issues - possibly serious ones. Had my husband been here, we could have dealt with this together. It would still be hard, but we'd have each other for support. Now I'm alone and I'm really, really having trouble balancing all this. I attended a trauma treatment class last week, to brush up on my clinical skills. One of the things mentioned there was to find some safe haven - some little pocket where the client can relax and feel safe. I realized then that there is so safe haven for me any longer. I can never relax - no matter where I am. Not even at home, because I'm not very happy in this house, there's too much to worry about it, and this is the house where my husband lived briefly and died. This is taking its toll on me. I'm exhausted. Please don't advise me to volunteer or take a class - it's not going to happen. Hopefully one day I'll be the positive one here. I'll be the one talking about planting flowers and finding new friends. But for now, this is my life. Melina

I appreciate your thoughts, but I am exhausted. And working for free (volunteering) in addition to a 40 hour work week, does not sound appealing. Nor does taking classes and greeting random strangers. I'm struggling enormously right now. If I could afford to crawl into bed and stay there all day, I'd do it. I'm tired of all the responsibility. I'm tired of having to deal with dozens of problems at once - alone. There are no luxuries in life any longer. It's cold and empty and meaningless. Yes, I know I sound depressed, and I probably am. I could dump this baggage with my grief counselor, but I'm in this weird position now of having to work together with my grief counselor's husband, who's a doctor. He brings elaborate lunches to work that his wife has made for him. They live in a big house by the sea and have a perfect marriage. My grief counselor has everything that I lost. They also have enough money to put their kids through expensive colleges, while my kids will be saddled with huge student loans. I can barely pay my monthly bills and will probably have to move, despite my exhaustion. If this is the only life we get, then what will have been the point? Maybe after death there is nothing. And all this suffering will have been a waste of time. I'm too tired and too bitter to be on this site now, so I'll be taking a hiatus. Thanks for listening. Melina

I wish I could come online and tell everyone about lots of wonderful things happening to me - but I can't. No new relationships, no new opportunities. No love, no happiness, no positive things. I feel like giving up. Not that I'm contemplating suicide, but I just feel like giving up on life. Every time I turn a corner, I hope for something good to be there, waiting for me, but there is nothing. The problems keep piling up, and I can't handle it any longer. There is a limit to how much a person can take. It seems I'm not entitled to any further happiness. I should have treasured the happiness I had when I had it, but now it's too late. I don't understand why some lives are so charmed, while others are such a mess. Melina

Kay, Thanks for thinking about all of us - and I hope your Easter was okay. I understand your sense of loss at this time. My Easter was a strange mix of happiness at seeing some of my kids, and deep melancholy from missing my husband. The first two kids left to go back to college today. I have one left at home until next week. This afternoon, after driving the two to the train station, I felt this enormous sense of emptiness. It's not really because the kids left, but because now that they're on the verge of real adulthood, they have so many questions, so many decisions. I feel unequipped to help them properly. There's a deep yearning to have their father here with us - to help guide his sons. They're able to manage their lives okay, but now and then they get stuck and look to me for support. I know they miss him too - he would have been a fantastic grandfather as well. I didn't have the energy to create big fancy Easter dinners or brunches, or decorations. When the kids were growing up, I was the one who made a big deal out of holidays, but now I just wish I could sleep through all those "special days". I feel like such a failure. Melina

Have had two sons home, plus my youngest son's girlfriend. It's been nice having people around, but this morning - Easter Sunday - the blues hit me as soon as I awoke. It was hard getting up, and now hours later, I still feel down. We celebrated Easter when the kids were small - coloring eggs and hiding them, hiding Easter baskets. My husband would always be up early, baking rolls and surprising us with a big breakfast. Melina

Happy birthday from me too! Hope you find some joy in your 60th... Melina

No worries. There are a lot of names to keep track of on this site. Happy birthday!! Hope you have a day of joy in spite of it all! Melina

Harry, thank you so much for your thoughts. You expressed this beautifully. Although my husband wasn't named Lars (he belonged to Lainey), I know that what we had was special, just like what you and Jane had. Like what everyone else here and their partners had. When the person you love has many roles in your life - best friend, lover, teacher, parent to your children - it's that much harder to lose them, because you lose so many significant others at once. Although outwardly more of a pessimist than an optimist, I have secretly also held a sort of Pollyanna view of the world. As I mentioned, I've always expected something good to turn up if there's been a string of bad events. I suppose you're right that a positive perspective makes those good things easier to find. It's how you look at it, I guess. I think it's just harder to deal with the bad things when you're alone - and harder to keep that positive perspective. Something would have to be really, really good - fireworks and rainbows - to make me think "okay this weighs up for the bad stuff". I manage by taking one day at a time, but sometimes I'll wake up and wonder how I'm going to get through that day. Melina

No Mary - it wasn't thoughtless at all! I'm genuinely glad you had good friends to spend your birthday with. It's tough day in many ways, and I know you still missed Bill. I wish I had a group of friends like that nearby. I do have a couple of friends that are there for me, but no one who's in my situation. That's why I have this group... Melina

Thanks for your support, everyone. I really have had a lot of changes these last couple of years. We had to sell our house for financial reasons just after getting my husband's diagnosis, then rented another house before buying the one I'm in now. That alone would have been enough to rattle me. But losing my husband was the worst. It was just a month after moving to this place, and I was living in cardboard boxes, driving back and forth between this place, a storage facility to get our stuff and the hospital. Then I suddenly found myself in an empty nest - and now it's a new workplace. Not sure if any of you have seen those stress assessment tests - you check off on a list of stressors and see how high your stress level is. Here is one: http://www.roadtowellbeing.ca/questionnaires/life-stressors.html It's not very scientific, but I took it and of course my checked-off list tipped the scale. If you're over 300, it indicates a very high stress level. My calculation was 413. Hearing women complain about their husbands doesn't bother me as much as hearing about their marvelous lives. Anne - I agree it's hard to deal with the self-absorbed ones - the ones who only think in terms of how everything relates to them. Kay - it would be hard to hear that someone know exactly how I feel when I know they don't. But no one has ever told me that. Most people just don't know what to say, or they say the wrong thing. In fact, I can't remember when I last heard someone say something that actually made me feel a little better - but maybe nothing makes me feel better. Beth, yes, it would help if we could educate people on how to speak to the grieving, but I don't have the energy for it either. If it gets too hard to listen to, I make some excuse and leave. I'm sorry that you're going through a rough time these days. Hearing about someone's thrilling new love can't be easy. Anything that reminds me of what I've lost is hard to take. The worst part of all is being so completely alone. Mary - I'm glad you had friends to come over and be with you on your birthday. I wish had a few of those over here. I have no family who cares either - except of course for my sons and daughters-in-law. I often wonder, if I died on a Friday afternoon - when would they find my body? Probably not for quite some time, unless my place of employment decides to come looking for me. I'm so tired of all this. I've been thinking about the discussion here on 1st, 2nd and 3rd years, wondering how and where I'm going to be in my life by the third year. I've always had this naive idea that everything works out in the end. If a succession of bad things happened to me, I just expected something good to come along - and it always did. It's this belief in basic justice. Now I've realized, finally, at the age of 53, that things don't necessarily work that way. Bad things may very well continue to happen. The universe doesn't owe me anything. I don't deserve fairness. Look at the rest of the world. There is no guarantee that things will get better. That makes me feel wish even more that I had my husband beside me. I feel so alone. Melina

Wishing you a happy birthday, Mary! I know it will be a difficult day, but I hope you find some joy. Thinking of you! Melina

I've never been very good at dealing with major life changes. The most difficult one of all, of course, was losing my husband. But I notice that all life changes create stress. And having to handle stress right now, without my main source of support (my husband) is extremely challenging for me. I just started a new job, and the hardest part has been that no one here knew about my "widowhood". In my old job, my colleagues all knew about my husband's diagnosis and death, since I'd worked there for six years. They sort of followed the whole ordeal. I was sitting and having lunch with people here yesterday. Several of them are women my age or older who have been married 40 years or so. They were all chatting about their busy, normal lives - husbands, children, grandchildren, trips to their vacation homes in the Canary Islands or cruises they were going to take with their husbands. It's amazing how much money some people have. I said nothing, until several of them asked me about my own private life. I finally had to explain that my husband died from cancer a year and a half ago and that I was alone. People react to this kind of news in different ways. Some don't say anything - they're sort of taken aback. Others inevitably start talking about everyone they know who had cancer - what kind of cancer, their symptoms, how long they lived. And some are visibly relieved that they don't have to deal with what I'm dealing with. These people are almost the worst because they chatter away about their husbands, how long they've known each other and what a great marriage they have. Like that matters to me. Where are all the people who know how to talk to the grieving? I mean - these are people who work in psychiatric services. You'd think they'd get it. Right now I just want to hide away and not talk to anyone. Well, what I actually want is to have my husband and my old life back. I'm so deeply sad. There is just no joy any more. I have two of my sons visiting me for Easter holidays, and I can tell how much they also miss their father. I feel insubstantial - like part of me disappeared with my husband. I just needed to share this with someone. I wonder when I'm going to feel truly alive again. Melina

I think that's true, Kay. I had heard that grief subsides after a year, so when it didn't, I felt like there was something very wrong with me. Melina

I don't think it was easier - just different. I spent the first year more or less in shock - at least at first. But that shock also gave me the adrenaline I needed to get a lot of things done. I also cried buckets of tears, felt panic stricken, terrified of the future and full of guilt from the past. During this second year came the realization that my husband really was gone and that I was alone. Also the sheer magnitude of my loss really hit me. So in this way I guess the second has been more difficult. I've felt more exhausted now that the shock has subsided. I still cry, but not every day and not as much. I'm still scared of the future - but not in complete panic. I still feel guilt, but I try not to think about it. The way I get through this is taking one day at a time. Even now. I'm not sure how things will be when I start the third year after the dreaded month of August. I think the worst thing now is the loneliness and the longing to talk with my husband. And I would like to feel joy again, if that's possible. I'm sorry for taking your post to talk about me. How has your second year been? What is it like for you to start the third year? Melina

Hope the anniversary wasn't too rough, Mary. It's strange about the clock - maybe a sign? Melina

Kimberly, I also think of my husband when I see the birds returning after winter - he loved watching the birds. And when I see the flowers coming up - buds on the lilac bushes, blooms on the fruit trees - I'll still be thinking about him. We both loved nature - seeing animals, plants, walking in the woods, by the ocean or up in the mountains. To begin with I almost couldn't bear all these beautiful things without him. It was such a reminder that he was gone and couldn't appreciate them. I couldn't share things with my soulmate ay longer. I was alone. It's close to 1 1/2 years now, and I'm enjoying nature again. I still miss him terribly and probably always will, but I can appreciate the beauty of all the things he loved. It's hard to explain how to get to that place - but you will. Melina

Marty, thanks for the link. I was on that site for a while, but I found it too confusing to follow - there were so many people and so many groups. But I too can see myself sitting alone in a house with just animals for company, like Mr. Squirrel mentioned there. That only they undertand my need to avoid sunlight. Thanks for well wishes everyone. I can't tell you how relieved I am to have this over with. Yet at the same time a little scared. I have no excuse now to avoid getting out there and doing things. At least when my knee heals properly. My dog stayed with the kennel guy next door, and he brought her home yesterday evening. The next few days he'll be walking her for me, along with a pack of other kennel dogs. Like me, she's kind of a loner - a "family only" dog, and will probably hate having to walk with a bunch of big dogs. But on the other hand, it might be good for her to be more social. Now I'm not sure if I'm talking about the dog or me. Harry - my daffodils are in bloom as well - along with the crocuses. I planted all these bulbs the first autumn I was alone - after my husband died in August. I just wanted to see something alive. Now there's a quilt of color in the flower bed and across the lawn. So I'm glad I had the presence of mind to plant them. Melina

I survived the knee operation and am not in too much pain. In fact, I had no pain at all until about now - and even that's not too bad. So this is a positive. I hate to whine about something so minor as a simple knee operation, but I was feeling really down on my way to the hospital. Everything reminded me of being alone. Still - it went well and I was in and out of there after a total of four hours including hospital breakfast. Here in Norway some people get free taxi rides home from the hospital if it's necessary. I suppose it wasn't strictly necessary in my case, but it would have meant 300 dollars for a private taxi, or a train and two busses to climb in and out of. The doctor was hesitant - so I pulled out the "widow card" - saying, "well, normally my husband would have driven me, but I became a widow last year". I know that was sneaky, but I've pulled the widow card before and it's never worked - most recently for an electrician. This is the first time it got me anywhere. I can almost hear my husband laughing. I'm supposed to use crutches for two days, but I hate them. My armpits hurt and I've already knocked over a potted plant and two water glasses. I might just hop around on one foot. The worst part is not being able to shower for two days. Melina

I am actually going to take a cab, you're right. My knee hurts so much now that I'm willing to swim home from the hospital - as long as they do the surgery. Dave - glad to hear most people manage this surgery well. Thanks! Melina

Thanks again guys! I don't have anyone to drive me or pick me up from the hospital, but I'm not really worried any longer. I've become strangely Zen about the whole thing. My next door neighbor, the guy who owns a kennel, is going to take care of my dog for me for the day - and he said he'd come over with her when I get home, even if it's late. He's also offered to let her join their pack for walks over the next few days - but I'm not sure how necessary it will be. I'm going to go shop for food tomorrow and then I'll just zone out for a few days. Perla is an Icelandic sheepdog, and we've never needed to walk her with a leash. She's always right by my side. So I'm not worried about walking her with a bad leg, because she never runs off. Kay - The Westboro Baptist Church isn't Baptist at all. They're just some weird cult that's arisen from a severely dysfunctional family. The only reason I mentioned it was because I'd watched a documentary about them. Thanks for being here for me! Melina

Thanks everyone for advice on the surgery. I may just ask the kennel guy next door if Perla can stay with them on Monday, in case I'm home late. She hates cages, but I may have no other choice. I just don't have anyone to help me out after the surgery. The hospital suggested I just take the train and bus home, which I think would be stressful and tricky with crutches. I'll probably pay for a taxi. This weekend I'll buy some food so I don't have to go shopping for a few days. At least they're giving me sick leave for a week. Son nr. 2 is coming over the following Monday for spring break, so we were hoping the surgery would be scheduled then. But here in Norway, there is a waiting list. If you're offered a place and don't take it, you could risk having to wait another two or three months. The knee is very painful, so I'll take my chances. I was feeling very sorry for myself yesterday - lots of tears. But this morning I've told myself to shut up, stop whining and think about how horrible my husband must have felt with his lung cancer and all his hospitalizations. This is nothing in comparison. Melina ps. Mary, you said you didn't know what the Westboro Baptist Church was. It's an awful cult that pickets soldier's funerals based on the bizarre assumption that God kills soldiers, and also cancer patients etc, because America allows homosexuals to live. That's why I'm very glad I wasn't born into such a family. (One of my positives) See the documentary:

I'm trying to find positives. My kids are all doing well, I have a job and a house to live in. Not everyone has that, so it's positive. I have all my limbs, haven't been hit by a bus and am not a member of the Westboro Baptist Church. So there is much to be grateful for. And I've just been notified that my waiting for the knee surgery is finally over. It's going to take place on Monday - just a day surgery. I've been on a waiting list for a few months. It's not a big surgery - just fixing a torn meniscus. The only problem is how to get home from the hospital - which is about a 1 1/2 hour drive from here. No family around and my friends are all at work at that time. Also, I'm worried about what to do about my dog. In case of complications, she might be alone for longer than is good for her. She's getting on in years and has developed a limp as well from osteoarthritis. When we go for walks, we're both limping - it's probably comical to watch. There's a kennel next door, but then she'd have to be in a cage most of the day. I should be grateful for many things, but last night I was even in tears because of the worry about my dog and the transportation. It's not normal to get so worked up over such things. Maybe it's grief, maybe it's menopause, or maybe I'm just too emotional. Does anyone know about meniscus surgeries? Can I drive right after a surgery like this? I have a manual stickshift - not an automatic. Melina

The pictures were a little corny, but the lyrics made me cry. I've always liked Enya. Thanks.... Melina

Thanks for replies, everyone. I'm feeling a tiny bit better today. It's odd that I'm more exhausted on the weekends than the weekdays. Either I'm tired after a work week, or the weekends wear me out. It might be the intense feeling of loneliness forcing me to confront my grief that does it. I'm alone with myself on weekends with no one else to talk to, and I'm probably not the best company right now. I'm starting to wonder if this is going to last a long time. I'm not sure I have the energy to go on like this another year. Something will have to change, and I'll probably have to change it. But how? Melina

I'm wondering if I should be worried about my physical health. I'm so exhausted. I've been emotionally and somewhat physically tired ever since my husband got his diagnosis, but oddly energetic all the same. Right after his death, I became almost hyperactive - doing all kinds of things around the house, even painting the outside and planting large bushes in the yard. My energy level was far higher than it is now - 1 1/2 years after his death. Every weekend I have a list of things I need to do. Sometimes I'm able to do a couple of them. This weekend my list was left more or less untouched. I had planned to do some painting, fix the clothesline outside, do the laundry and several other housekeeping things. All the stuff I don't get time for during the work week. It's been a struggle just to get out of bed the last couple of weeks, and after walking the dog this afternoon I had to take a nap. I'm not a nap person, so this is strange. I don't have a fever or feel unwell. My knee hurts from a meniscus rupture (waiting for surgery), but other than that I don't really feel sick. I just can't gather the energy to do anything. I've made an appointment with my doctor to check for iron defiencies. It would be just my luck if I had cancer or some other ominous illness. Maybe this is a combination of loneliness, boredom, and basic grief. I don't talk to anyone all weekend - just the dog. It gets a little strange walking around alone. Do any of the rest of you feel drained of energy? Melina