melina

Thanks Kay, It was a strangely difficult day, but I got through it. I wonder if it's going to be like this every year. I've come to see my life as being divided into two phases: pre-husband's cancer and post-husband's cancer. It feels like two completely different lives. Thanks again for your message...

It does sound like a difficult situation and I can understand how this would be agonizing for you, wondering what this marriage was all about. It doesn't matter if it's one year or seven - the feelings are still the same. I can also understand your feelings of betrayal - and that you're both angry with your husband, but also miss him. I suspect we all have feelings of anger toward our deceased spouses - for various reasons - and I'm sure many other people visiting this site have felt betrayed by the person they loved at some point. People in late stages of cancer have been known to behave very irrationally. Your husband sounds like he was in strong denial, and his pursuit of a cure may have taken him further than he normally would have gone and made him do things he normally wouldn't have done. But of course I can't know that for sure. Grief is grief - and it's horrible. I know that it's really helped me to talk to a grief counselor for the last four years. I'm personally bogged down by guilt and trauma - so that's my thing. But I still grieve, as you do. I think it would be wise, as Marty and Mary have said, to find someone to talk to and empty your baggage. But continue to come here as well. Hopefully one day things will get easier. Melina

Feeling really out of sorts today as it's exactly four years since my husband's death. I really didn't expect it to hit me that hard. It's four years after all. But everything feels bleak. Hopefully tomorrow will be better. Melina

Harry, I'm impressed that you've given this so much thought - both before and after Jane's death. and I continue to be impressed at how you are working to spread awareness of her disease. I can't even bring myself to think or read about lung cancer - let alone help anyone else who has it. I think we deal with death in different ways - all depending on who we are. In our case, neither of us really expected my husband to die. He certainly had no intention of dying, and was prepared to fight this thing and win. I realize we lived in denial, but there were a number of different circumstances that led to this state of mind. Maybe if we'd both accepted it, he wouldn't have been so frightened just before he died and I wouldn't be living with this hospital trauma that I can't seem to get rid of. On the other hand - maybe that's how we were able to survive that awful year and somehow find some hope and joy during that time. I agree with Kay - there is no right or wrong way. Life (and death) just happen - and you deal with it as best you can. Melina

It's nice to see my old post coming around again. Thanks Marty! I'll certainly take a look and listen at this video. My gut feeling tells me there is something after death, and I'm an avid reader of the NDERF site, where people post their near death experiences. Many of them seem very honest and believable, but there are some that quite frankly sound a little made up - or at least embellished. I suppose we'll never really know what comes next until we die for good. I live in hope though... Melina

Thank you; Mary - that's very true. It's good to have people to talk to. You know what's weird - it's been almost four years now, four years of being alone, and some days I just can't believe this really happened. It still seems so strange to be here without him. I wonder if that feeling will ever go away.

Rita, Whether you believe or don't believe in an afterlife doesn't matter. What matters is how you can learn to deal with this life - the one you're living - after it has changed so brutally. I go back and forth from believing there is something after death to not believing anything at all. How can we really know? We've never been dead. But what's important is working through the loss and pain you feel right now. It will get easier. The loss will still be there - and at times, the pain. But it will get easier to handle and hopefully you'll eventually find some joy again. That's one thing I do believe, and firmly. Melina

Harry - I understand the significance of dates. We would have celebrated our 32nd wedding anniversary on July 9th, but most likely we would have forgotten it, as we usually did as it was in the middle of vacation, and then remembered suddenly weeks later and celebrated then. However, I did not keep with tradition this year. I remembered it. I've been saving some of my husband's ashes, and take some with me wherever I travel. I spread some of his ashes in a waterfall near Toronto this year on our anniversary, and later in a forest in Maine. In January some of his ashes were spread at a Buddhist temple in Japan on New Years Eve. Last year part of him was spread off the coast of Istanbul, a city he'd always wanted to visit. He's traveling a lot more now than he did while alive. I believe in an afterlife, but I have no idea what it will be like, what form our souls will take, or even if we'll have any contact with the physical world and loved ones after death. Hopefully my husband is near me and is following our lives, but maybe not. I don't know. I never receive any signs. I never see or hear anything unusual. I don't feel anyone is near me. It would be wonderful to have strong faith in such things. Sometimes I'll ask myself a question and almost hear my husband's voice answering. I know it's me doing the talking, but I like to think he's communicating with me. I try to keep the good things we had together in mind - keep a positive feeling of our time together. My husband's sudden diagnosis and even more sudden, traumatic death has overshadowed these positive moments for a long time. It's hard to look beyond the trauma. It still haunts me and at times brings me to tears and panic. But I'm glad we did have our good times together, despite our arguments and irrationalities. August 5th, the death day, will be a very bad day for me, as it has been for the last four years, but I'll try to keep your optimism and think about the love that I had rather than the love I've lost. Metteline

Thanks guys, it does help me to feel less alone...

I think this grief thing is a slow and often complicated process, but that doesn't mean you won't heal or that it will be impossible to deal with. I've been widowed for nearly four years now, and looking back, the first year was very raw and I felt almost skinned - everything hurt. Now the grief comes and goes - in waves and phases. But for the most part I'm able to cope. I've gone to the same grief counselor since my husband's death. As a hospital pastor, she was actually in the room when he died and experienced my family's pain. One of the most helpful things she's told me is that healing from grief is like moving through time. You don't notice it while it's going on, but looking back you can see how far you've come. Grief moves at an imperceptible rate. You were married for 31 years. My husband and I were together for nearly 30 years, so losing him - very unexpectedly to cancer - was losing my closest friend and a major chunk of my history, and I expect that's how it was for you. No wonder it's tough for us. Have patience with yourself and give yourself time. A lot of people can be exhausting and confusing, but basically I suspect that most people are worried about bringing you grief, sadness and heartache, and they don't know how to deal with that. Even my grown sons have had trouble mentioning their father around me. I'm fairly sure that it's because they're afraid of making me feel sad, so I've tried to tell them that it helps to hear stories or anecdotes about him - just to get a sense of history - that he existed. The people I tend to avoid are those who almost cheerfully ignore any mention of my husband - or refuse to hear anything about my feelings about losing him. They would also just as cheerfully talk about their "couple lives" as though I'd either never been married, or still had my husband. This really hurts. I guess these are the people Mary would characterize as unsafe. Melina

Thanks Kaye, I am trying to stay positive - but sometimes there's too much stuff to take in and process, and I just want to escape from it all. I got home from the states a couple of hours ago - feeling kind of sad and worried about my kids, and really alone, but too tired to care. Hopefully things will look better tomorrow. It's true though - even though kids are in the same country - even in the same city - we may not see them that often. On the plane there were all these happy couples returning home from vacation, or coming to Norway for vacation. The couple behind me were constantly talking about their grandkids and how they were looking forward to coming home to be with them - together. It just feels extra tough right now. Thanks for letting me vent... Melina

Thanks everyone for your warm replies. I forgot how helpful this site can be, and how kind and giving people are here. Harry - I've been working hard to look at the positives and have tried to view the more difficult times as learning experiences. I'm grateful I had children - it's just that having children also involves pain and sorrow in many ways. It looks like I'll be visiting Maine quite often - flying from Oslo via Reykjavik to Boston. So maybe one day we'll have coffee and talk about how far we've come. Mary, Anne, Marty, Kay and Jan - thanks for your words too. Kay - I know that it was tough having to face the prospect of your son moving away. Believe me, I know that pain - especially now. Marty, it sounds like your sons are successful and doing well, even though they're far away. My main worry - and it's a huge one - is that despite good educations, my sons are not doing very well in the job department. My oldest son, the one in Maine, is working at a poorly paid job with awful hours, and he's feeling pretty down and depressed about it, especially with the baby coming. I'm working extra jobs to help out my sons with their student loans. Norwegian student loans with American and Canadian paychecks are extremely difficult to pay. I have long suspected that we made some big mistakes in not steering out sons into educations that would actually land them good jobs. My sons are fine people, but they're not doing well financially. I'm feeling very panicky about the whole situation. I don't know if they'll ever really manage. What if they end up destitute? After my husband - their father - died, we all sort of froze. My oldest son was especially affected, and was unable to finish his Masters degree because of it. Had my husband lived, I think they'd all be doing much better. I wish I could reset my life and do things properly this time - not make any mistakes. That includes handling my husband's illness differently. It just feels unfair to have to deal with all this worry alone. I know I shouldn't compare my life with other people's lives, but it's hard not to. I see other couples the same age still alive and well and together, and have children with good jobs and grandchildren nearby. I just don't understand why this has to happen to me. I know other people are struggling far more than we are, but still... Anyway, thanks for listening. If anyone knows of a decently-paid job in the eastern United States for a hard-working young man with a bachelors degree and a few years of job experience - let me know! Melina

Hi everyone, It's been quite a while since I've contributed anything to this site. I've felt I was ready to move on in life and didn't need the assistance of a place such as this, especially since I've been unable to follow up posts and provide any real help and comfort to others here. In short, I'm somewhat socially dysfunctional and don't make friends easily. I wish I did, because it's a lonely path, as I'm sure most of you know. For those who are new, I lost my husband to lung cancer nearly four years ago. It will be four years on August 5th. He had never smoked in his life, but had been exposed to asbestos as a teenager working in the engine room of a ship. Previously I had lost my father to cancer and a brother to suicide. That was tough - but nothing could have prepared me for my husband's death. We had been together for nearly 30 years when he passed, and we have four grown sons who were very close to him. As I said, I thought I was ready to move on in life. I've felt strengthened and changed in a number of ways. I still think about my husband every day, and I miss him terribly, yet I thought I was getting "back to normal". That was - until now. I have four great sons - ages 30, 28, 26 and 23. All of them live in different countries - far away from me. This has been very difficult, but I've tried to accept it and be glad they're living their lives the way they wish. They've all found girlfriends/wives from other countries, meaning they've ended up where their partners' families live. We're still a reasonably close family, but it's tough when everyone is so far away. I am American, but have lived in Europe for the past 34 years, and just expected everyone would stay close to where they grew up. But they didn't. I love my sons and they all chose wonderful, loving partners. I just wish they lived closer. This summer I've visited Canada and now the East Coast of the U.S. - spending time with two of my sons and daughters-in-law. Now here in Maine, I've just been told my oldest son and his wife are expecting their first baby. My first grandchild!! I have mixed emotions - both thrilled to be a grandmother for the first time - and devastated that they are living in the other side of the world where I won't be able to see this child grow up - at least not on a regular basis. And most of all, my husband is not here to be a grandfather and to be by my side during this journey. I don't have my best friend to talk to, my son won't have his father around for advice, and my grandchild will never know this grandfather. All this has sent me into new wave of surprisingly intense grief and it's just so hard. I feel fortunate to have what I have, but so unlucky to have lost someone who means so much to me and to my sons, and also unlucky to have to deal with "losing" my four children to other countries. We went to visit my daughter-in-law's parents who live nearby, and they're over the moon with happiness. They are a couple who clearly love each other and who have been together for 34 years - just as long as my husband and I would have had. They don't seem to have a care in the world. I'm so tired of having to deal with new grief all the time - and this milestone just brought all the pain rushing back at a time when I should be happy and excited. Why can't life ever be easy? I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone understands or can relate. Thanks, Melina

Mary Linda, I haven't logged on to this site in a long time. Thanks for your comments. It's good that you have friends who understand your situation. I tried a grief group here - but I live in a small town in Norway, and there isn't much to choose from. I joined when I was four months out, and the others had been widowed for a year or more. We were in different places and it just didn't work. I've battled with depression for many years, even before my husband got ill, so I've also had to use antidepressants from time to time to be able to function normally - work, take care of kids, etc. I've managed to get off them now, but I notice that the strain and stress of this new life is really pulling me down, so even with the help of counseling sessions, I imagine I'll have to get back on them again, at least at the very lowest dose. They don't stop me from crying, but there is a kind of emotional numbing that goes along with them, which probably isn't a great thing. But if I have to choose between deep depression and emotional numbing - I'll choose a small level of numbing. Melina

JeL, Thanks for your comments.You seem a lot more together than I was at 6 months out. My husband died of cancer too, but I remained in shock for quite a while. That might explain the higher energy I had at first, which then plummeted. In many ways I behaved irrationally. I remember people commenting on this - wondering why I couldn't just calm down. I now wish I'd been more "normal" during the worst of my grief period. Still, who's to say what's normal for grief. I guess it depends on your circumstances, history and personality. I'm sure you'll progress well, though it seems fairly common for grief to fluctuate - and grief reactions seem to go in waves. The fact that you have the energy to help others is a good thing. I'm not able to do more than my work in the health field, which involves helping others. Melina

Some of you may find this interesting: http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304610404579402940770172268 Melina

Marsha, Thanks for your reply. Maybe it just does take a lot longer than we think. I remember just after my husband died and I was beside myself with grief - literally crazy with grief, I think, because I wasn't behaving normally at all - and all I wanted, apart from having my husband back, was to have the pain go away. I read all kinds of things online and consoled myself with the thought that the grief would be gone in about a year. I wasn't sure I could make it that long, but at least it would be gone. After a year I realized it wasn't going to be that easy. Easier, but not easy. Work has also been my source of escape from the grief and from the loneliness. I work a lot, partly because I need the money, but also because it fills the day. Like you, I don't have time for BS either, and often I feel as though I'm looking down at the earth from above, wondering why everyone is scurrying around worrying about ridiculous things. Melina

Thanks again and good luck with your test.

Thank you Fae and Mary for replying. Fae - I was still crying a lot at two years. Now the taps seemed to be more or less turned off. That doesn't mean I don't get sad, but I just don't need to cry as much, I suppose. I've tried meditating, and it helps a little to calm me down and make me less anxious, but it doesn't take away that emptiness or bring me joy. Mary - what is thanatology? I agree that social interaction would probably help - and it's great that you both have friends you connect with. That might be one of my biggest problems - I don't have a real social network outside of work. I was an introvert before my husband left, and it isn't exactly helping me at this point now that he's gone. My friends are all still married and nothing big has really altered their lives. I've begun to feel alien. For the time being my youngest son is visiting with his girlfriend. It's great to see and be with them, and have them in the house, but when they leave I'll have to work on this problem again. You've been a great help to me just by replying. It feels better knowing there's someone out there going through the same things. Melina

Hello everyone, I'm rarely around this site these days, but I visit once in a while, and I often think about posting. It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my husband. Hard to believe - it doesn't seem very long since I was wailing in desperation. Luckily people were here to listen and I felt a little less alone. Although I still deeply miss and mourn my husband and think about him every day, I think the main challenge for me these days is trying to adjust to this new life. For a long time, I didn't think I would ever be able to have a new life, but since the alternative is not having a life, I suppose I have to make an effort. My four sons, albeit in their 20s, still need me around, as does my dog. I have a full-time job, plus two freelance jobs on the side. This gives me the money I need to manage, travel to see my sons - who are all living in different parts of the world, though not my part of the world - and also help them out a little with their student loans. So there is little time for anything but work, walking the dog, eating and sleeping. This has suited me just fine, since I really haven't wanted to do much living without my husband. We were together nearly 30 years, so what was the point of doing stuff alone? But now I'm starting to wonder - is this all I'm going to get before I die? I would never have considered these thoughts the first year after my husband died, or even the second year. Life seemed impossible without him. But suddenly here I am after almost four years, wondering "what now"? I still feel bitter, still get dark thoughts when I have to see or listen to people who still have their spouses - especially those who've had them for a long time. I still have to wonder - why me? Why did I have to lose my best friend and partner? Why did my sons have to lose their beloved father? Why will my future grandkids never know their grandfather? I've withdrawn from most of my friends, since their lives are untouched by grief. They still have husbands, kids nearby and normal lives. I'd be interested in hearing how other people adapt. I never thought I'd be able to manage on my own, but I have. I didn't think I could handle finances and problems that came my way without someone to lean on. But I have. I didn't think I could handle being alone - but I've learned how to deal with that too. The only thing I haven't gotten hold of is happiness. I still don't feel I'm living a normal life. I don't know if that will ever happen - but I hope it does at some point. I feel a little guilty about whining like this. There are hundreds and thousands of people around the world living far worse lives than the one I'm living, but I guess it's just not what I had hoped for. Melina

Hi Mary, Yes, I'm still considering moving back to the states. I have one son in Maine, one in Toronto, one in Australia and one in Japan. The one in Japan is returning home briefly, before moving to Singapore to work. His girlfriend is from Singapore. I will travel as long as I have the health to do so - and when I have the money scraped together, but I would like to live near at least one of them. It's tough - but I've got to the point where things don't matter as much as they used to. I've started meditating - trying to live in the here and now - and I do think it helps, strangely enough. Glad to "see you" too! Melina

Kay, I didn't mean to make it sound as if it was bad of you to wish for a relationship with your grandchildren. As I said, I wish I could be near all my kids and grandkids and see them grow up. I've just come to realize that that isn't going to happen for me, so I will have to make do. I moved away from my home and parents at an early age. I did it partly because I wanted to get away. For a long time I was worried that was the reason my kids were leaving too. But they went away to school and found girls there - and it seems as though girls tend to stick around their families and where they grew up, whereas boys are more likely to follow their wives. That might be a gross generalization, but for our family it seems that way. If Boise is where your daughter-in-law is from - then that might be a big factor. I'm sorry if I made you upset. I'm just poking in for a visit. Melina

It looks like things worked out for you, Kay, but I thought I'd just put in my two cents. I have four sons and they all live in different countries. I'm not saying this to make my situation sound worse than yours might have been, but I've come to realize - after the initial shock and heartbreak of realizing none of them would be living nearby - that the reason I had children in the first place was not to have someone to look after me in my old age, but rather to experience the joy of raising them and seeing them one day fly the nest and create new lives for themselves. To create new lives - that's why we have kids. At least that was true for us. Forcing them to live near us, have daily contact with us - that would be preventing them from creating their own lives. They may choose to live near us, or we may choose to move to wherever they are - which is what I'm considering - but the main thing is that they have to live the way they feel is best for them - and we have to have our own lives independent from our children. I always thought that when my kids flew the nest I'd still have my husband and our own normal life. Now things are different, but I don't want to be one of those people who lean on their kids for everything or who live only for them. I know that my relationship with my sons and daughters-in-law will be far better if I can stand on my own two feet and find some sort of meaning and happiness apart from them - as well as with them. That being said - I would love to be near my grandchildren and see them grow up. But having four sons in four different countries, I realize that I can't be near all of them. I can't be four places at once. I have to choose what's best for me. I may never marry again or have another relationship - but I have to believe that my life can become something on its own. Luckily for you, you can continue your life where you are and still have close contact with your son. I hope your relationship with your daughter can also improve. Melina

I'm sorry to read about your loss, but everyone here "gets it" - because we've all been there. For me the first few months were definitely the worst - pretty horrifying and very painful. It does get easier, even if the grief still lingers and the loneliness will hang around. It's been three years for me. My four kids were all grown when my husband - their father - died. The youngest was 19. But it felt almost harder to see and feel their grief than my own. In one way it's good to have the kids around - to feel that you still have a family, despite losing your partner. In other ways it's harder because you can't just do whatever you want and let it all out. I used to cry and scream in the car while driving back and forth to work. That might seem a little bizarre now - but it helped. I suppose it doesn't really help to know that what you're going through is normal. It's too bad there isn't some magic spell that takes away the grief, the pain, the loneliness and the fear of suddenly finding yourself out in the middle of the wilderness with no direction. All I can say is that things will change, but slowly. Just hang in there, take care of yourself and your kids, and use this group as friends you can reach out to. Melina

Deborah, I understand so well what you're describing. It sounds like me and my life right now. I don't look forward to living this way for years to come, but I just don't know what to do about it. I'm 55, and there are no widows among my friends. They don't get why I'm still grieving, and I'm so tired of hearing about their lives with their husbands. Just want my old life back - and like you I find myself pleading with my husband to just give me five minutes - just to talk. I know he can't come back, but if I could just talk with him a little bit... I wonder how other people are able to move on. Melina