melina

Thanks, I guess I just needed to reach out - not really expecting any clear cut answers, but it helps to whine. I should add that I have several women friends who are always ready to go out and do stuff, so I rarely have to spend my time utterly alone if I don't want to. We have a "book club" that meets each month. It's difficult for people like me - an introvert my whole life - to have to force myself to be social, to have to do the opposite of what makes me comfortable. When Thyge was here with me we could be introverts together. I've written all this before, ad nauseum, so I guess there really is no solution. Cheryl, you asked what people in Norway do that is social? Pretty much what everyone else does - except volunteer. I live out in the country, near a small town, so there is no buzzing cultural life. In town there is the occasional concert, the movies, bars. I could travel into our capital city, Oslo, about 1 1/2 hours away, but then I worry about the dog.It sounds silly to worry about that, I know, but I hate to see her alone all day and all evening. I haven't been able to find a dog sitter. I've thought about moving back to the states - to my home town, Seattle - but right now just traveling on a short vacation seems to take all the energy I have. So pulling up any roots I might have and move to another country feels both exhausting and a little scary. Would I get a job at my age? What about health insurance? Anyway - no one can fix this for me, but thanks for your thoughts. I know I need to change something, but I'm just not sure what - or what I can manage. Melina

I suppose I could buy a soccer ball, draw a face on it, name it, put it on the kitchen counter and talk to it. It won't reply, but at least there won't be any pressure. Melina

Not sure if this is the right place to post this - but I have been wondering how to deal with the incredible loneliness. Most of the time I'm just lonely for my husband. I want him back in my life. But since that's not going to happen as long as I'm alive, I have to figure out how to survive this. The loneliness is growing bigger and becoming more painful. At times I just want to scream. I thought I'd become a stronger person, capable and self-reliant. And I probably have, to a certain degree. But basically I'm not that thrilling to hang out with. At least not all the time. Most of my adult life was spent with one other person. Had I never found a partner and lived alone, this life I'm leading would be normal. But for me, it's not. It's horrible. So what to do? I've been without my soul mate for two years, and now - apart from the occasional aftershock and acute grief episode - I feel like I'm just waiting around for something to happen. I can't imagine feeling anything for another man. Last time I dated I was only 22 years old, and the person I was dating was my future husband. I'm 54 now, not a kid any more. I look normal, but I seriously doubt I turn any heads, and the idea of flirting seems ridiculous. Online dating sites seem like such a false way of meeting someone. My husband and I worked together first, then became friends, and then the whole thing quickly grew more intimate. The only men I ever meet now are through work - but they're all married. And I wouldn't be interested in any of them anyway. What I might like is a male friend. Just a friend. Someone to talk to and do stuff with - but no pressure to do or be anything else. Why are there no online friend sites? I don't know, maybe I'm destined to spend the rest of my life alone. At least I have the dog - though she's hardly someone I can go out to dinner with. And she won't put up shelves or check the car engine, even if I ask nicely. Actually the dog, as much as I love her, keeps me from being out more. I can't leave her all day for work and then leave her alone in the evening too. Would like to hear others' thoughts on the matter. Just don't tell me to volunteer somewhere - I'll say it again, Norway does not have a system that includes volunteering. Melina

Mary, This is a big change for you and changes of all kinds can produce stress in our lives. As if our lives aren't stressful enough. But it sounds like you've made a wise decision, you'll have more freedom and more money so that you can relax a little. Thinking about you today... Melina

Cheryl, I'm glad to hear that you recognize my struggles. You seem to be strong and doing well after three years. Unlike you, I tend to post when I'm really down and need help. I also feel like a failure at these times, yet still I feel the need for someone to listen to me and be there with me. It's such a lonely road and I don't really have anyone around that I can talk to. Sometimes it doesn't help, I'll feel misunderstood - but other times it can be just the thing to get me through a day or a weekend. I've just returned from a long journey - driving my youngest back to college - an eight hour trip each way. I'm exhausted now and might even call in sick tomorrow. It's pretty lonely returning home to an empty house, but at least I have the dog. Will be thinking about you when August 25th comes around. My husband also died in August, two years ago. I thought that my kids were more or less "over it", but talking with three of them over the summer, I realize that they really still miss their dad. But they're young, they've got their lives ahead of them, so they're looking toward the future to a greater degree than I am. I'm still wondering how to get through the next 10, 20, 30 or more years. And yes, it's still kind of a shock. Melina

Thanks so much for your thoughts - Mary, Marty, Cheryl and Kay - and for the poem, Cosel. Cheryl - your last line... "Melina I think guilt is part of the grieving process. We need to get the guilty feelings out where we can examine them and deal with them in order to get over those feelings. You are on the right track. I don't think you are any more/less farther behind than I felt at two years! The whole process just plain sucks and wears you out. Hang in there." ...probably helped me more than the suggestions. I suppose I tend to steer away from cookbook recipes for life changes, since we're all different and the complexity of some of our feelings/problems are always easily dealt with in any uniform way. I did kind of like the idea of writing a letter to my husband though. Still - the knowledge that you were also where I am now at 2 years is actually the most comforting. Maybe there's hope for me yet. Melina

I keep a list on my computer of happy memories and a friend gave me a lovely box which I keep on my cocktail table and it is filled with joyous pictures....so when I get bogged down on everything I did wrong or on the pain he was in (which happens less and less often now...thank goodness) I put energy into reading this list of happy memories and looking at happy pictures. It all helps and I put a lot of energy (sometimes it takes a ton of energy to make myself step out of that sad place) into doing these things to help counterbalance the sadness, emptiness and longing. I guess I am trying to balance it all...not deny my grief and not deny good feelings. I struggle with empty a lot yet. That is tough for me.

I remember this thread last year. I've been following NDE experiences ever since, with interest and hope - so I was dismayed to read this about Dr. Morse. http://www.guardian.co.uk/world/2012/aug/10/paediatrician-accused-of-waterboarding-daughter Not that his alleged crime changes the fact (or not) of life after death - all it really shows is that the man has serious problems - but still I sometimes wonder if maybe we're just seeing what we want to see. Believing what gives us the most hope, and not what's really true. It's easy to feel discouraged when life continues - mundane, stressful, money-focused and without any sign from "beyond". Melina

Thanks for your responses, everyone. I still feel guilt, but it helps to know that it's not an uncommon feeling. I just wish I could stop ruminating over the bad episodes of our life together. I know there were good times because I remember laughing and being happy together. We wouldn't have stayed together for so many years if there hadn't been good times. But it's the bad patches that provide the most vivid memories right now. If only I could forget them or block them out. My husband was a genuinely good person through and through. He was a little impulsive and not good with money, but marvelous with the things that counted most. He was optimistic, supportive, caring, loving - someone who noticed and appreciated all the little things in life. I was more of a pessimist and a worrier, prone to depression and anxiety. I must have been such a burden sometimes. If only I could turn back time and change things - change myself. Often I think - it should have been me who died. The world would have been a better place with him in it instead of me. Apart from our sons, no one would have missed me much. Everyone misses Thyge. Although, who knows - if there is a God and a hereafter, maybe this is something I am supposed to learn - how to appreciate life and be a better person. It's just that it's not so easy. Melina

I can't believe I've been posting here for two years. And during that time, I've included guilt in many of my postings. I seem to be healing very slowly - so slowly, I scarcely notice any progress at all. Looking back I can see some positive things happening, but it seems to me that other people in my situation are doing far better. I wonder if part of my problem might be guilt. My husband and I were very close and we loved each other, but our marriage wasn't perfect. We definitely had some rough times, though things had finally smoothed out the last few years before the dreaded cancer diagnosis. We raised four sons who all turned out well, but life was stressful at times with four children. In spite of it all, our family was a tight-knit group - our own little clan, my husband used to say. Sometimes I think we might have been too focused on our kids and not enough on our marriage. Actually that was my fault, I think. I was so worried about being a good mother, that I think I might have been a not-so-good wife. At times, anyway. I didn't appreciate my husband enough - didn't always treat him the way he deserved. Most people in this forum seem to have had perfect marriages. Somehow that makes me feel even more of a horrible person. Someone posted something about dating again. This seems impossible for me. Not just because it's hard to imagine sharing my life with someone other than my husband, but also because I feel this tremendous guilt about not being the wife I really wanted to be to the man I loved for 30 years and lost. I don't feel I deserve love again. Guilt was my unwanted companion throughout the first three or four months of my grief - and now it's returning. Maybe because part of me wants to move on, feel normal. Guilt is blocking my way, reminding me that I'm not worthy of happiness. Is there any way out of this? Melina

Lina, Physical exhaustion is very common when you're grieving. At times I've been so exhausted that I've wondered how I was going to get through the day - let alone the week, the next few months or years. Grief involves a host of powerful emotions, multiplied by thousands, so of course we're exhausted. Plus you have responsibilities you can no longer share. That means that worries and concerns about money, a house, children - is on your shoulders alone. I've tended to worry extra about everything - also my kids - basically because I'm the only parent left. It does get a little easier, depending on your personality type, I suppose. You learn to cope and when you see that you're coping, you can start to learn to relax now and then. As for the insomnia - you may want to ask your doctor for something to help you sleep - at least now and then when you feel desperate for sleep. I've used Melatonin, which is not a drug and non-habit-forming and a more natural way to relax you and help you sleep. There is also Valerian root - just an herb, not a drug. But at times I've had to take a sleeping pill when I haven't slept for days - just to escape all the anxiety and tangle of thoughts in my head - for one night. It's not good to do that every night, but now and then it can be a life saver. Hang in there... Melina

Cosel, Sounds like you've been working hard to fix up your home the way you and your husband had planned. The second year has been hard for me - but in a different way than the first. Less frantic crying, but more loneliness. I hope there's a little happiness for all of us in the near future. I have to think there will be. Melina

In just a couple of weeks, on August 5th, it will have been two years since I lost my husband to cancer. About two weeks ago we would have had our 30th wedding anniversary. This has been an emotional time for me - not sure if it's because of the dates, or just because I'm realizing more and more that life is not much fun without him. My daily life is running okay, despite the stress of financial burdens of surviving on one income. I still have the house we moved to just one month before he died, and I've completed several of the repairs we had planned to do together. Some I've managed on my own, other things I've handed over to professional carpenters. It's still a big, old house and huge yard - too much for me really. But I can't gather up the energy to move, and I really don't want to live in an apartment. Ideally I'd live in a little house far away from neighbors, traffic and noise of all sorts. Not sure if that's a good idea though. I'm lonely enough as it is. The loneliness and silence I meet when I come home from work or wake up on Saturday mornings knowing I have a whole weekend to get through alone can be overwhelming. Now during the summer months I have a couple of sons home from college. But come fall, I'll be alone again. Having a dog helps, but she can also be a burden, since I can never make any spontaneous plans without considering her. Loneliness is a greater burden, however. Usually I only have myself for human company - and let's face it, I'm not that interesting. When our four kids were young, I'd be thrilled for an afternoon alone. Now that aloneness is never-ending. What I wouldn't give for one day, or even one hour, with my husband. Just talking, walking in the woods, having breakfast, lying in bed together on a rainy morning. Although I know my husband is gone, I still have these sudden aftershock moments, where it hits me: He's gone. For good. He's not coming back. In those few seconds, it's as though I'm back to square one - just days after his death - and can't believe this really happened. Why us? All our plans for the future, the trips we were going to take once the nest was empty, the things we were going to do - that's all changed - forever. I try not to think about the future. It only fills me with dread. I try not to think about the past - that just brings grief and sadness and guilt. So I try to live in the present and get through each day as best I can. The one positive thing that's come out of all this is the self-reliance and independence I've gained. I was very dependent on my husband and didn't think I'd be able to manage on my own. Life often feels overwhelming - the house, my full-time job, extra work to make ends meet, helping my kids through college with money and pep talks, the dog. I've managed this far, though admittedly my savings are dwindling fast. I've learned quite a bit and I know I'll be okay. I hate being alone, but the thought of dating again just doesn't appeal to me. Where would I get the energy for another person in my life? Basically I'm too sad and tired to flirt. I think I need to learn to rely completely on myself before even contemplating another relationship. This group helped me through some very tough times. Now and then I return to this site to see how things are going. I know I need to gain a more positive perspective. I've been very angry - especially with people around me who don't seem to understand my grief. Especially now after two years - "time to get over it". But then I remember that I wasn't able to understand grief until it happened to me. I try to be patient with people who say thoughtless things with little regard for the effect it has on me. Sometimes I avoid them altogether, to protect myself. But you can't go through life entirely avoiding conversations about cancer, death, marriage, relationships, and so on. Parties are the hardest. A little alcohol, people lose their inhibitions and ask the strangest questions. I want to be a positive person. I want to experience happiness again, some day. Maybe next year. Maybe in two years. Maybe I'll have a day of happiness, a day where I won't be thinking about the loss of my soulmate. To everyone on this lonely path - those who are just starting out or those who've been walking for a while - hang in there. Who knows what's around the corner. Melina

I can't even wrap my head around this. I wish I could find meaning, but it just feels too overwhelming and quite frankly, almost unbearable. I have to wonder how long I'm going to be able to manage it. Melina

That's exactly it, Becky - feeling of disconnectedness and not belonging. It's a feeling that's different from grief. I know they're related, but what I'm feeling is somewhat different from the longing for my husband. It's very hard to describe, but it feels as though I just don't belong in this world any more. I look at other people, hear them talking - and they seem so connected with the world, so at home in it. It's like looking through a window, being trapped behind it. Melian

I think I know the difference between loneliness and solitude. What I meant about this author was that she described loneliness so well. I understood the feelings she was describing. Seeking out company doesn't help if you also feel lonely when you're with other people. I'm not saying you shouldn't seek out the company of others, I'm just saying that loneliness can sometimes be such a core feeling, that just interacting with others won't wipe it out. I don't really have the energy to explain this further. It's okay if people don't understand. I basically give up. Melina

Marty, yes, I agree her book sounds pretty depressing and I did actually wonder what the point was - how she got out of it. As Kay says, the more isolated you become, the harder it seems to break out of it. But it's not just a matter of forcing yourself to be with other people. Often you can feel very lonely even together with others - sometimes even more so then. It's the feeling of being sort of...I don't know, like being adrift in a little boat way out in the middle of the ocean. Or walking around with a force field around you - people are there, but you can't feel them or communicate with them properly. As though you don't really exist. This is how I feel - and maybe I'll have to feel this way for a while. By the way - just to be clear on one point, I don't hear voices. Melina

I just wanted to share an article I read in the Guardian about loneliness. Grief is difficult enough to face - but I wasn't prepared for the intense loneliness I've been dealing with. I think this author sums it up pretty well - that lack of grounding and rootlessness, how loneliness over time can actually begin to change a person. Here is the link - see what you think: http://www.guardian.co.uk/lifeandstyle/2010/may/28/emily-white-loneliness Melina

Harry, I understand how Jane's death has devastated you, but why are you working yourself to exhaustion over this fundraiser? Would Jane have wanted that for you? It's admirable that you work toward protecting others from this disease, but at what price? And is it really necessary? Melina

Cosel, I sometimes have those thoughts about other people too - not to see them suffer they way I have, but to have someone really understand what it's like. Of course, the bitterness creeps in now and then. Why me and not them, why are their husbands still alive and healthy when mine was so terribly sick for a year - probably longer - and now dead. All in all, I think the loneliness is the hardest part. It's a loneliness that I can't imagine could be filled by anyone else but my husband. I miss so much just talking with him - about anything. But it does help when people show interest or kindness - just a phone call can help break up an otherwise lonely evening. What's really hard is knowing that other people feel I should be "over it" by now, and no longer ask me how I'm doing. They just assume things are okay. But I think that for them, it's over and done with - in the past - while for us, it can feel as though it were yesterday. Melina

Durbin, and widower, I also lost my husband to lung cancer. It was very unexpected, since he'd never smoked in his life. It is a lonely route. When I think back to how I was before my husband got sick, I probably didn't know how to deal with the bereaved either. I try to be a sensitive person - but sometimes ignorance or inexperience makes us sound insensitive. I think that most people either feel uncomfortable with our grief and don't like to deal with it, or they just don't stop to think. I am pretty tired of trying to protect myself from all of that - but I can't close myself off forever, I suppose. At least we can use this group - we can feel miserable and share it with others who will understand. Melina

Thank you, widower - I think we all wish we had brilliant insight and magic wand, but alas. Thanks for your support, and I hope you're doing okay. It's a tough process... Melina

Becky, I certainly understand your situation. My sons are my family, but none of them live closer than an 8 hour drive. I have a couple of friends I see now and then, but neither of them really get it. I have no solutions, except the one you've found - stay in touch with people on this site. At least you have someone to share your thoughts and feelings with, and who understands where you're coming from. Maybe it will make life a little less lonely. Melina

Mary, Thank you. I'm grateful for my friends here and for the support I get. When I leave because I'm feeling too miserable to be around, I'm always welcomed back. It feels safe. I'm still wondering if it wouldn't be better for many of us to post in the "Living with Loss" forum, since we're further out in the process, and my sudden wailings might frighten the newcomers who are at the beginning of their journey. I know that when I was only a few weeks out, it scared me to read about people who wrote that the second year was worse than the first. I couldn't imagine having to deal with such pain for that long. Not sure if I have anything to offer new widows/widowers - other than to show them that I'm still alive, working and going about my business, even if I stumble and fall now and then, and wail for someone to come and help me up. Melina

Thank you everyone for the virtual hugs and words of support, and also the private e-mails. It does help to know I'm not completely alone. I don't know why everything seems to be crashing down around me now. Maybe it will get better, who knows. Dave, my youngest son had some symptoms that we worried could be MS, but so far it doesn't look that way after all. It's been freaking me out. I just want them all to be healthy and happy. If someone told me that everything would be okay with my kids - I could definitely handle my own problems. Lina - I already have a dog, but thanks anyway. I'm very sorry about your recent loss. Melina