MZM

Something positive is that I had the most successful and productive day at work today since the accident when I lost my urge to work and live actually..

Thank you Cheryl. That is a wonderful idea. When Im having a bad day, Im sure that will help

Melina...can only imagine what you're going through... Be patient with yourself. Thats what my counselor has told me...and you know what, it helps. Then you know that by allowing yourself to grieve that you're facing it and although we have a long road ahead of us, this is all part of the healing. It does help to get out there though. I could only do that after the first 4 weeks though. Its now the 7th week and getting out there has helped. You will be able to do that too. Be patient with yourself hunni... Go out with girl friends to the mall. Even if you feel like you dont have the energy, force yourself to do it.Even if looking at the stores has no effect on you, just do it though. But know that once the first time is over, there will be a second time thats a little better. Im dreading Christmas too. We were never here - loved to travel. Im hoping to be working in another country far far away over that time:(

Thank you everyone. Im so glad that I found this forum. Really! We have each other to help and we can get advice from people that can totally relate. Like Korina and probably all of you, my family and friends has definately been my greatest support - they have driven me to work when I couldnt see past the tears, they have forced food down my throat when I couldnt eat and have picked me up from the floor when I sat crying with no hope... I dont know how i would survive without them. I considered suicide in the first week, but knowing I had them, and seeing what we all went through when we lost 4 people (especially my zubeir) in that accident made me see that I have to just deal with it.You're all right, no matter where I go, i will have the memories. They are all with me...and oneday, i will smile at each and every one of them. My counselor said to me yesterday exactly what you all have said, and what Jennalee said, that I have to push through the pain to get to a faster recovery. I have to face all the pain... Mary, she also said to me that she doesnt advise that I make any decisions or big changes until i reach a 6 month mark...and still, its best to only make changes after 1 year... West, zubeir used to make me see reason too, I wish he were here, but I do know he's up there, guiding me. Right now, Ive completely lost the need to work but after chatting to you all and my friends and family, I think I need to wait a while. Maybe till November as they do another intake then... Thank you all...here for you just like you've been there for me... Best wishes MZM (M) in South Africa

Yep, we will!

Its 6 weeks since the accident and Zubeirs passing and memories are killing me:( Every night I dream of him, every morning I wake up losing him and face another memory. This morning, it was the weekend we spent with my parents at a game reserve-one of our best holidays...i remember every smile and ever little detail...but it hurts so much that i have to stop myself... Yesterday, it was about when he used to shave - i would rub my cheeks against his and call him baby-bum-skin... Everyday theres some memory/memories that i havent thought of in a while that I'd now think about - the little memories and little things...i miss him so much! Now theres somthing else - im a senior manager at the company i work for...and during my grief, i applied for a gap year job in the states...I got the call yesterday to say that both my sister and i are in (we're both under 29 years of age)... BUT! My mom has acute asthma how can we leave her? I know that my father, friends and family are also not happy at the fact that Ill come back and have to start from scratch again when right now im reaching a peek of my career… And theres my adopted sister (4 years old)... If i leave, Im leaving EVERYTHING and EVERYONE - thats huge:( Worst of all is that Im leaving Zubeir:( our life together is here....and i still feel like i have a part of it....call it denial, but once im on that plane, its officially Goodbye:( But, if I dont go, I cant get away from this hurt...plus the memories are killing me. I pass his house every day, pass the cemetery ever day - im dying inside. The only thing that there is to look forward to is this new thing of going... Im so torn… My boss also thinks I shouldnt go...HELP PLEASE!!!

Im so sorry for your loss melina. I lost my fiance' on July 25th-we were together everyday for over 3 years and I also ask myself "Why me?" Most 28 year olds dont go through this but here I am, struggling... I can only imaging what you're going through... As I psychologist Im sure you cant really assist anyone, if you yourself are going through your own trauma...Have you thought about maybe doing some charity work? The way i see it, is that we have all this love for our loved one and dont have them returning it...and cant share it with them anymore. If we adopt a pet or do community service - soup kitchen work, working at a childrens home...we can re-channel some of that love? Just a thought....but I felt a little bit of comfort in it. It also made me feel like I was doing something in his name. I plan to soon open up a charity organisation in his name - maybe in the next year, when I can get through the pain im feeling right now... A charity will also help keep yopu busy and not feel stuck at home sad all the time...

Jennifer, my fiance passed away on July 25 2010...We were together for 3 and a half years and he died in an accident. I spoke to him at 4:30 am and his accident happened at 5:10 am...I'll never forget that last conversation and I'll never forget that call from his mom to tell me the terrible news:( Its been a tough road and im dying inside... All i can say is memories will be your biggest set back and photos/stuff will be the hardest part of the memories... My counselor suggested that i set aside times in each day for 15 minutes only to look at stuff...that way I can still have them but Im not torturing myself...

Glad you had an ok day! My counselor said to me "The moment you start doing normal things again, like going out for coffee, reading a book, going shopping..its all a start to your healing" For me, I knew that if i shopped again, I was back to being me and that would be the start of my healing... I finally went shopping last weekend. Didnt do my usual damage, but it was a start...i do believe a start is all we can ask for right now.... We will have ok days and not ok days and we just have to try...but also, be patient with ourselves....and good on you for starting something new like a job at your old book store.... Im planning on a gap year - leaving my current job and going to be a waitress in the states with my sister...

Thanks all... Yep Deb, KayC and Korina, i think I'm going to do just that...light a candle... afterall I have all the best memories with him and no one can take that away from me...he's in my heart thats all i need... I actually dont need his family...Its sad though coz I was with them everyday - a part of his family... Jennalee, it IS ridiculous...to know that they blame me is hurtful coz I loved/love him soooo much!! Weekends are empty and I hate them... started spending time with friends and you're right its better than staring at the walls....which is painful!

Yep..its by P.Diddy... My title meant to say "Its amazing how many times Ive heard this song on the radio since the accident" And guess what, it was on again this weekend...

Nick I am so sorry for your loss! I lost my fiance about 6 weeks ago and have been struggling with it, I can only imagine what you must be going through! We were together for just over 3 years and were together every single day. I used to wait for his car to come home and he would shout out loud fo me and I would run to the door - literally, even 3 years later. Weekends are hard - I hate fridays too. Especially when people are saying "Have a good weekend"... I practically start crying then and there!! What works for me is spending time with my sister or my friends ... but sometimes you just want to be alone. Cry...or write in a journal...it really helps... Zubeir and I used to, just like you, have plans for the entire weekend. We were planning on going away for the long weekend coming up and what I've done is booked away with my girl friends to go away as I know that I will be sobbing that entire weekend...

Fridays are always bad days since the accident 6 weeks ago...I have lonely weekends now. Although i have lots of friends, I miss our weekends that we're just for us! Whats worse is that tomorrow is their 40 days ceremony and Im not invited because my ex mom-in-law to be blames me as he was on the cell phone with me 30 minutes before the accident. That feels terrible!

Cheryl, so sorry you are having a sad night:( A year later for you and Im only in this 40 days...I guess we just have to be patient with ourselves... its amazing how we all feel like we've done something wrong to have had this happen to us... I ask myself that question all the time! "What have i done so wrong!!!" Im not a religious person, but I believe that God wouldnt punish us and the other people in their lives as well...?

Hi Everyone Im do glad I have all of you to share my thoughts and feelings with...people that can relate and can guide me... I dreamt last night about when I used to be asleep, he would kiss my cheeks a dozen times....and then I dreamt about him and his brother (both now in heaven) and they were really happy... Again, I woke up with that sharp pain in my heart... I figure, I rather have these dreams now, coz like some of you have said, i have him in some way... Its worth the pain...and one day I wont have dreams of him every night...and i'll miss them. Tomorrow is his 40 days...cant believe how time has flown by...yet its been the longest 40 days of my life... I really miss him so much. i used to pass Zubeir frence fries while we were driving too. Its those little things I miss...Todays a bad day...Fridays are always bad days...we used to have plans from Friday after work right up until Sunday - we would have our "weekend schedule" .... Lots of love and hugs to you all!! M

Thanks Korina and Kay...I think im going to do both, because this guilt is killing me... I need to say sorry to him and I need to also get it out of my system. Thank!

Every step I take, every move I make Every single day, every time I pray Ill be missing you Thinking of the day, when you went away What a life to take, what a bond to break Ill be missing you Its kinda hard with you not around Know you in heaven smiling down Watching us while we pray for you Every day we pray for you Till the day we meet again In my heart is where I'll keep you Memories give me the strength I need to proceed Strength I need to believe My thoughts I just can't define Wish I could turn back the hands of time I still can't believe you're gone Give anything to hear half your breath I know you still living you're life, after death somebody tell me why ... On that morning When this life is over I know Ill see your face ....

I know how you feel Jennalee, and It does get worse before it gets better. What I felt in the first two weeks was cushioned by shock and now it all settles in - a month later...Be patient with yourself...thats all i can say...break down when you need to...i believe that we're grieveing the right way Im 28, and I know, its going to be a long time before I smile again. Its unfair to find your life partner and have them snatched away from you. Believe me i have considered many ways in which I could take my life to be with him and not go through this pain. BUT, i do know that i just have to go through this. If not for me, but for my family and friends who have been such a support.

Sheesh, you really have been through alot! He broke up with you via Fedex??? Omg thats unbelievable....hes not an honest person then...and you're now better off... Yeah, I guess you're right, God isnt a punishing God...those incidents are completely not related...its just the way the mind works...guilt is also really killing me and thats not good...

Dreamt about him yet again last night - so happy in my dream - could hear that loud laugh again! And again, I wake up realising he is gone...it really is a sharp pain in my heart... Kay, you're absolutely right - I just want to sleep ALL the time... I did that last weekend - slept and only woke up to eat and use the bathroom... Jenna, sometimes I do actually think its painfull - losing him everyday is really really painful.

on the 25th of July 2010, i lost my long term boyfriend in a car accident. Our engagement was in December this year... In that same accident, I lost my bro-in-law to be, our friend and my boyfriends uncle. All people that were really close to me. I havent even grieved the other deaths because all i know is that I have lost my love, my life, my everything! That is what he used to call me:( That, and a whole lot of other sweet, beautiful, wonderful and cute names. We were each other's lives - i spent all my time with him, travelling, the outdoors and even spent more time with his family than my own...He was the first guy that i travelled with, slept next to....We had so many, plans for the future! Right now sitting here, I cant believe I am writing in the past tense:( As i sit here, Im surrounded by a bed full of the teddy bears that he gave me - each with a different memory. I cant believe that that loud, bubbly person that loved me so much is gone! Our love was like a fairytale, insired so many people. He was my world and everyone loved him. My parents are just as devastated... EVERY night i dream of him...only to lose him every day when i realise he is gone. I am dying inside:( i cannot believe my happiness, my love is not here...I cant believe I am writing like this when i used to tell him almost everyday that he was my love. Never did i think the future wouldnt be ours. we wouldnt even put the phone down without saying I love you to each other every day, ten times a day...how i miss that.... I lose him everyday...its like a knife through my heart. I miss his love soooo much! Boy did he love me...so many plans and time ran out on us...didnt even make it to our engagement:(

I totally hear you about this: "The hardest part is knowing I'm just at the very beginning of my grief. It's so fresh!" and that you realise hes gone... I can relate to this...its only been just over a month for me....when will it get better, when will i get out of the house and when will I smile again... I dream about him every night and then lose him everyday:(

Jennalee, i can only imagine how you feel, yet i do have a strong idea as to how you feel.I lost my boyfriend who i getting engaged to in December in a car accident...This happened on 25 July 2010. In the same acident i lost my bro in law to be, our friend and my boyfriend's 30 year old uncle. My boyfriend was turning 26 in November, but our lives were just cut short. I feel lost and alone, I dont know how to understand this. I CANNOT BELIEVE HE IS GONE! and im dying inside...the memories, like urs, are what kills me... watching movies, which we did almost every night together... WHat are we going to do?? I am indian too (South African Indian - 5 generations down so born here) He was muslim, so women wernt allowed at the cemetry for the burial...No closure, but cant find the strength to visit my bf in his grave

I am really sorry to hear about your husband by the way:( What happened?? Yep, family and friends really help...glad i found this site too...

Thank you Kay, really appreciate it. Your words are so wise! Thank you! I am so glad i found this site...Ive been going fo counseling, but nothing seems to get me out of this state. Yes, my BF, his brother, a friend of ours and my bf's uncle all died in that accident:( People i used to spend every day with. My life has changed 360...just like that. He was muslim and in Islam, women arent allowed at the cemetry for he burial... we live in South Africa...He usually drank on weekends and there were many times that I'd lecture him about drinking...they all were drunk that night...and they didnt cause the accident, a truck did. But obviously in that drunken state, he lost control of the ca:( I have lost my best friend, my partner, my love and the best thing that ever happened to me. People used to be inspired by our love...it was really like a fairytale. He loved me in 3 years like he'd loved me from the first time we fell in love...nothing changed, only got better. He was a romantic, perfect for me...Which is why i took it for granted. In helping someone who was going through a rough time, i became good friends with him, which resulted in him kissing me... that guy then sent me an sms to apologise for having taken advantage and thats when my BF found out... I will never regret anything more in my life!! I agree with you, it probably wasnt perfect...but i feel like ive been punished and the guilt is unbearable...I feel like maybe God took him so that he wont hurt anymore. He had a very rough life - an abusive father who he hadnt seen for 8 years and i was the person he adored, trusted and made his world... His mom also blames me... I returned to work after four weeks and still cannot find the reason to wake up every morning. I have a great job and my manager has been amazing. I sit on the board, am a head of a department - all great achievements for a 28 year old most say. These things mean nothing to me anymore. I am actually going to resign and take a gap year - work as a waitress in the states...with 300 other "international" people under 30, including with my sister. life has just changed so much...