MZM

The company I work for here in South Africa was kind enough to give me a months leave after the accident. I recently spoke to them about the possibility of resigning (to take a gap year overseas - work as a waitress or something) as I needed a break, like many of us who return to work after our losses, I couldnt deal with there no being emails from him anymore, no phone calls 10x a day and no silly texts and discussions about "whats for lunch." Plus they had been kind enough to clear my desk of all our photos that i had here - although the problem was, that I knew that they were there, so taking them away made very little difference... They've been very understanding and supportive. They didnt want me to resign, said I could take a sabbatical instead and come back when I had done my healing. SO, its 3 weeks before I leave to the US and im hoping this will help. My sisters joining me too, so atleast i know im not all alone... Today Im missing his emails so much! Around this time of year he'd be sending me pictures of the place we'd be visiting over the holidays - always spend December in another city/country...

Cheryl, I have tears in my eyes from reading your post, good tears, not the painful horrible ones and for the first time today (this whole last week actually), I feel like living. Thank you! Thank you for saying that I am a fighter and thank you for showing me hope - that all this has a purpose and that what i am going through is normal... Cheryl, thoughout my posting on here, you have been like a guardian angel to me...thank u! Hugs and lots of love!

help

So true deb. thanks!

I really dont mean to be rude and I hope someone will help me... See, the thing is, is that my psychologist says "no matter what the situation in our loss of a spouse/partner/significant other - married for one year, engaged, married for 40 years, with kids....we are all facing a huge loss and to each one of us, no matter the situation, its the biggest and worst thing in the world.." i see the pain that we're all going through, and whilst i cant imagine what it must be like to have kids and have had this whole life with a person and then you have to live without them, in my dealing with my situation i cant help but ask "why does this have to happen to me at 28 years old!!!" As i said, I really dont mean to be rude. I see young couples so happy and i almost want to puke:( I have become so negative compared to the happy, naive, carefree person that I was... I loved my life, always saying that I want to freeze time - what was wrong with me, why was i so naive! How do I ever trust that if i meet someone again oneday that he too wont die on me:( harsh but true:( At the age of 28, i am grieving the future that could have been. We planned to have 4 kids! Im sobbing right now!!! Can barely even see my keyboard. We planned to continue to travel the world. We were soulmates with the rest of our lives planned together....and now i have to go through his birthday, all the holidays and then mine, single and alone....with all this pain and what ifs (like we all face) Please moms give me guidance. My mom has been my best friend, but I cant keep crying to her because I feel bad in that im taking her for granted -when she can go too:( I feel like its all about me and im neglecting them...Im so tired of life already and its all about death. I cant lose another person!

so true about crying alone in reality:(

thanks all... Kayc im so glad my mom is here....as well as my dad and my sister. I do feel quilty though that I have taken them so much for granted...especially my parents...right now its all about me

Everyday, there is always something that triggers the hurt and pain. Something that makes me realise that hes gone and not coming back:( not just a song or a place we've been to, but simple things like words that i say. I miss his scent and his warmth and then theres the things he's left behind, little things....(an ornament that hes made out of clay, or a key ring he'd just bought) not just the big obvious things. Its now a realisation every single day...whats worse is that now, almost 3 months later, Im angry at all the memories Im having to face without him....and every single day in the last 2 weeks, ive been miserable and crying We always joked about death, things like "go and make me a sandwich" and if the other said "not now" the reply would be "and if I died tomorrow u would regret:)" also we would smack eachother if we even mentioned dying...like he would pinch me if i said "if i die, would you miss me" ....he wouldnt allow me to say anymore and would even have tears in his eyes and NOW look, hes really died and left me!! I have to always find a card/note or something he gave me gifts in or the teddy bears he bought me or the roses i kept dried over the years - I have to face these EVERDAY! Its killing me and tearing me apart! I cant stop sobbing lately....Im really really missing him so much and feel so alone. We ate together everynight and now I do that alone! I went to the movies by myself yesterday which was just a reminder of how hes left me here... Why couldnt he take me with and how could he have gone in an accident! Im NOT coping lately and IT DOES NOT GET BETTER!!!

send them the poem my mom sent to me melina...it will help...it comforted me that day.

I wake up every morning with this sinking feeling. I never knew this until the accident. I used to be so happy, a normal 28 year old with her soulmate who she had the rest of her life to spend with...or so i naively thought:( My mother actually wrote this to me in seeing how negative and sad I have become. I try and have a happy day, and then I choke up when I face a memory. Then theres the entire day filled with missing him and loneliness...dont know how to face these memories anymore. Cant even sleep in my own bedroom... From my mom to me: (and im sure you all have loved one wishing the same for you): Here below is all my wishes for you: I wish I could wipe away your tears for ever and mend that broken heart but I know that it's not possible to do that, I wish that I could put back the smile on your face but I know that only you can do that and at least I have hope, I wish that I could bring back your innocence but bringing it back also means that you will forever be sheltered, not prepared to deal with life's knocks and blows, I wish that I could promise you that things will get better and that you will be okay but then I would be a lying, I wish that someday you will meet someone whos even a bit like Zubeir but I know that no one can take his place and nobody should, I wish that I could have my carefree baby back but I know that this takes time and no matter how long it takes, will wait patiently for that day, But most importantly as your mother I wish that I could take your pain and carry your heavy cross, which is weighing you down so much, but unfortunately it's your cross to bear and try as I may, I cannot take it away, What I can promise though is that I will be there for you at all times, not only as your mother but also as your friend, Know that I will always love you and I thank God for giving me the honour of being your mother.

Ive decided that Im going to sleep through all the holidays esp NYE....I hope that will take the pain away? I keep facing memories and thats what kills me! I just cant believe he was here almost 3 months ago and now hes not:(

I decided to tell her that if she hasnt been in my life for the biggest things, then she really isnt my best friend. I actually feel sorry for her that she cant be there for me, her best friend, in times of a death....that means she will never be there for me for anything... I told her that even a guy that was going to buy my car, a total stranger, texted me a few days later to say "Hope you're ok" and so do all of my other friends... What hurt me is that even though I said "life is too short and that I can never cut anyone out of my life" she still said "but this is me, take it or leave it" So leave it is what ive decided...

Im having a day where i cant stop sobbing! I keep asking how is he just not here How is it that for so many years we were together almost everyday and now im supposed to live without him. What is the point! What was the point of him being born and being such a gorgeous beautiful person and then being take away at 26! What was the purpose of that!?! How do I live! Whats the point of living knowing I will never have another memory with him…and that all the memories im left alone with… all the photos, all the texts and emails… I cant do this!and its not fair that that oneday I will start to forget certain things!I wish my memory would be like it is now, even 50 years from now... Then, I had a fight with my best friend. She doesnt deal with emotions well and infact, since the accident just over 2 months ago, she has only called to talk about cancelling plans or whether she could make it (and this was when friends would get together and never just she and i alone) Not once has she called just to ask "are you ok" or text to say "im thinking of you" When i asked her about this, this is exactly what she replied: "It isnt as though I went on ‘holiday’ and didn’t call you. And because I didn’t, it doesn’t mean that I don’t care. I assumed we’re on a level where I don’t have to ask you if you’re having a bad day or not because you will tell me if you are.And just how you expect me to be a friend to you during your toughest times, I expect you to understand that during your tough times, I will have my own issues too. They’re not as big as yours but that doesn’t mean they don’t exist. You are right about everything else - I am not that person that phones someone many times a week. I like to deal with things on my own so I think everyone else is the same. What you expect from me (phonecalls, staying over), I can’t give you and I’m thinking that we’re just wasting time because I will never live up to your expectations. "

Cheryl, im sorry you're having a rough day. I understand excatly what you feel! Its so funny that you posted about the miners. I was just sobbing, talking about it to my mother. I said "their families got a second change and will treasure that so much.......but, I didnt het that second chance" Im happy that they all survived, its just that I wish zubeir too had survived his accident.... Hugs, M

Thanks all and thanks for the articles marty...Thanks everyone for all your ideas and for sharing with me how you got through the firsts and are getting through them... New years eve is definately going to be one of my worsts. I am dreading it! His birthday and that...cant think much about valentines and my birthday yet, all i know is that im taking them one at a time. I will be thinking of you all over new years...and especially my zubeir. We've spent every new years together and it was always somewhere on holiday...im really going to die inside without him. Just as i will on his birthday. Im already preparing myself for that day when he wouldve had his 26th birthday, I also know that it will be the first time that i will visit him at the cemetry...I ask for all your prayers and I will post as to how it went. Sunstreet, i think im going to do just that. Light a candle in the week before...that will help and will also be a rememberance...KayC and Cheryl i also plan to skip some holidays - just sleep...these firsts are going to be rough on me... Thanks all Lots of love M

Abergsma, i know exactly how you feel and i agree so much with what nirac said as well: I have some days where i cant stop hurting and crying and other days that do feel a little better. But not many people know exactly what we're going through. Thing is, is that for everyone else...life moves on and they think that it should for us to. I had a huge fallout with my best friend because she hasnt been there for me. Her words to me yesterday was that she doesnt need to ask if im ok, she just thinks that i can deal with it. This is my so called best friend who hasnt called me once since the accident just to find out if i am ok (shes called me for other things like work etc). My zubeir passed away in an accident on the 25th of July. Its still so fresh...and for you too....it all takes time, for every one of us... theres no way that we can just be strong! Hang in there though and know that you're not alone...hugs, M

*hugs* Cheryl and like rob said - you've always been one to help... I can only imagine what you must have felt... I do know that everyone experiences set-backs...be easy with yourself...and remember we love you! M

I had to go through eid and that was okay coz I just slept through it. Next month, on the 3rd, is his birthay...he wouldve only been 26! How do i get through it, when birthdays were such a big deal to us. We planned weekends away and made it such a grand event. I thought of going to the grave for the first time...but how do i visit my love on his birthday at his grave??? Then theres Xmas and New Year - when we kissed at 12 midnight 2010, we said that this was going to be "our year." It was our best new years ever as we were together on a cruise ship in Mauritius (although every new year we were together since we met 3.5 years ago) - a huge party, and now "our" year is no longer:( I just want to sleep through all the holidays and birthdays!

Hi Suzanne I dont think you're crazy at all! In times like these, we all cling onto something, anything, that can help. I wish I could hear a message from zubeir - whether its true or not. Theres no harm... Lots of love M

Today was a hard day. Bad day as my family calls it when they see me some mornings... Everything i saw and heard made me miss my zubeir...Everything. Whilst crying my sister had called and I told her that I had to go.. That made me cry even more coz there was a day this year when our pet had died and zubeir called me at the office to tell me about it. He told me in such a soft gentle way i remember. I cried alot about losing our pet and told him that I had to go... He phoned around my office and spoke to my colleague, asking her to check on me...Gosh was he a great guy and boy do i miss him:( My mother heard about me crying today and phoned me. She then sent me some poems she had searched the net for, as she felt helpless and wanted to help me a little buy sending me messages/poems from people that can relate. Im posting them here. They made me cry, but I hope for you it will help a little...It has helped a little for me today... In my moms words " this poem is to remind you that you will never be alone" Never Alone by Rodney Belcher I feel you in the morning When at first I awake Your thought is with me With each decision I make You'd been around forever Now I have to go on alone But for love, I need not look Cause by what you bestowed In our time together Will last in my heart Forever and ever Although you've left And now walk above I'm never alone I'm wrapped in your love Enjoy now your long waited reward Feel peace that your love continues on What was taught to me, will be taught to others Cause you live on in me even after you've gone The second poem, in my mom's words "is there to make you see that you that you will always look at pictures, emails etc and feel like the writer does and there will be feelings of guilt in terms of you being there with Zubeir when he died" Image I sit in my closet rapped up in a ball, going through old letters containing so many secrets, reading old notes looking through pictures trying to push aside the memories that sometimes haunt me in my sleep, a familiar face reminds me of so much, I should have gone too, I was supposed to be with you when you died I come across this note, name signed at the bottom, oh, the memories we had, still overcome by the last one, a cold chill ran down my spine, I had the feeling of being watched, and when I turned, there was that image of that wonderful familiar face . . .

Bill I hear you. Everyday it hits me and it actually gets worse...Its like youll just be eating/driving and you realise (HE IS GONE!!! I cannot believe this) and then the hurt just becomes unbearable...There is no initial shock/denial that you feel when you first get the news, now its just plain raw feelings of hurt and realisation. I miss his soft hands and his kiss, I miss his presence and his voice...

And thank you to you too Mary, you have also helped - I know you have responded to many of my posts and always have such wise words to share... Zubeir too was a loud, bubbly person that would light up a room! How i miss him! Im so glad I found this site, its somewhere I can turn to to write down my thoughts when Im feeling absolutely helpless, or when I just want to help other people (that gives me comfort). Its amazing how many similarities we all have - thats what helps - when no-one else can really understand, you are all here to understand and relate... Whether we are 28 (me), in our 30's, 40's 50's or later, we all are going through grief on this site.. and all feel similar things. Even at 28, I tell people I dont want to find someone else. Firstly, no one else could come close to my zubeir (everyone agrees with that too), secondly, I still love him so very much and thirdly, I would never want to put my heart out there again, only to face the loss of a spouse/significant other again... Yet, some people do move on...Im only 2 months into this journey...and right now, cant see past having lost my love... All of us arent here because we chose to be here, but being on this site is indeed a great help...thanks to you all, love M

Linsey, its amazing how we all are/were going through such similar things. Most people when they feel they have lost control over something, tend to blame others. His parents couldnt blame anyone but you... Who else could they blame? Its sad, but we will always feel the guilt when someone we love dies. In my situation, I was the last to speak to zubeir at 4:30 am (30 minutes before the accident), and got interrogated about what we had spoken about. Till today, I blame myself and keep thinking "it was my fault, I couldve said something better, something that would have changed the outcome" Thing is ...nothing can change it... He knew how much you loved him...I too, would have traded places any day with Zubeir...I would much rather he be alive than me... And like you, theres so much that I didnt get to say. Write to him hun...that will help... Hugs and love M

Thanks you all. KayC, you're right, I have to focus on now, and getting through this grief...theres no use in letting them (the past) get to me. As of now, they are dead to me. You're so right in that these things just drag out feelings (unnecessary ones) and by moving forward, it can only lessen the power they have over me. When they "interfere" I will ignore... I am so glad that their problems arent mine, even though I am going through so much. Im just glad Ive decided to not let them add to that... Linsey, I have been driving myself crazy and the guilt is driving me crazy. There is no point in it... And i feel those should haves and could haves so much....but like you say, we cant change it:( Tammy, Its like you found that just for me! How appropriate and true..Being angry is a waste of my energy...and i need that energy now more than ever with all this hurt of having lost zubeir.. Thank you all!! lots of love, M

Thank you Linda Kay. Such wise words! You're right, I can tell her 100 different things, but, it wont change anything. It will make me feel better only for a little while, but to go through that whole thing with them again, will just take me away from the quiet grieveing I am going through to a "war" with them. You're right, I should just ignore her... I do still feel like ive been punished though:( that because I comforted another person without Zubeir knowing and letting it get to a stage where that person fell for me and kissed me, is the reason why I am suffereing. I mean, how did i go from being in hospital for attempted suicide for one week and then 3 weeks later, him and 3 other people die in a car accident. Oh this guilt is killing me, seriously:( Thats why i feel like i need to take that man down! You're also right about him "wanting to scare his wife with another woman for reasons of his own" coz when I asked him why he had said "we" and admitted to it so easily, he said that he wanted her to know. YET, he didnt tell her about how he said so many things about her and how he would call me on a daily basis until i had put a stop to it. He didnt tell her that he wished she would give him a divorce. No, instead he said "WE kissed" and that the text was based on infactuation. Coward, you're right. Grrr i am so angry, but I know that by telling her things to get at him/them that it wont bring my love back:( Thank you lindakay for talking some sense into me... Lots of love