MZM

About a month before the accident a friend (also married), who I was helping/counseling during a hard time in his marriage, kissed me. To be honest, at first, I didnt push him away and even though later he texted me saying "he is sorry, but he is in love with me," I knew i was guilty for having let it get to that. His wife had seen the text and he had explained that WE kissed?!?! She called me threatening to ruin my whole life. She called my Zubeir and told him about it all. We had this huge fight and my family and his got involved. In our culture, a kiss IS the end of the world to our families. I had felt terrible for letting my love down and for letting down everyone around me down. They were all very hurt and upset and I felt terrible for the other guys marriage too.... I tried to take my own life because I couldnt handle the hurt i had caused everyone...But my Zubeir and I worked things out and we were all fine...until the accident:( Since then, the other guys wife sent me a text saying "I hope you've learnt your lesson and the world has lost amazing people...hope God helps you" to which I replied "You're right, the world has lost amazing people and if I had it my way, it should have been me..." Now that my heads a little clearer, I hate that guy!!!! He put our gorgeous love in jeopardy because HE sent ME a text and HE kissed ME!! He couldve said "I kissed her" and he couldve dealt with his own cr@p...but he wanted to take me down with him (my mom had told me this the very first day and it didnt make sense at first!) Last week, this woman sends her best friend to add me on Facebook but I knew....and today, I see them in traffic. I have such hatred in me...and I want her to know that I was not the cause. He turned to me...he said horrible stuff about her! I want her to know that I am not the problem here. I want revenge!!!!! I've lost the love of my life:( and he is fine! I hate him!!!!! What do i do?? I know he didnt cause the accident, but he ruined the last few weeks of my love's life:( I feel so guilty and terrible today!

He was my baby! I mean 26 and Im 28...Today, i looked at our pics and all i can say is "my baby is gone, he is actually GONE!!" I cant believe it! He was so happy, WE were happy...and now i'll never hear his voice again, see that smile again or hear him talk to me in that special baby language that we had... This weekend I spend with couples - i cant believe that i am not a couple anymore. Have no-one to snuggle with, ask to "rub my feet" and no one to share my silly thoughts with:( How can he be gone!!! I couldnt go to work yesterday because the weekend away with couples was too much for me.. Plus i had a dream that he was driving me around (like we usually did) and I woke up thinking about how I have to drive myself around now:( I miss those little things so much. We were so close - my best friend:(

Thanks all, for your encouraging words! I really really love having found this group - people who truly understand me! Rob, you were right and thats exactly what my counselor has said... it IS better to feel all this. Kath, thank you for that advise...i will definately try that next time...Thanks DarW and im so sorry about your anniversary - hope you were strong? I cant imagine facing all those dates like birthdays, anniversaries, Xmas and new year...how?? Korina, you are right - this all validates our love... shows that they meant something deeply to us if we miss them this much. I really am missing him heaps today:( Queen Mary - thats alot of losses, im sorry...infact sorry for us all... I really cant imagine going through more losses now though:( - this was my first big loss and I cant imagine any more...Life really is tough! Redwind - I was with couples this weekend and it really sucked! I never felt more alone!! I just went into the bathroom and sobbed. I missed having my special someone... It still feels worse and isnt getting better...But everyone here has very encouraging words and I do believe we will feel better oneday...Chris, you're so right, we're in this club we didnt want to join. All of us need prayers...but atleast we're all here for eachother...thank God for that! Thanks west...and yep...it does get worse - the loneliness is too much! Today i realised yet again that "My babylove is gone!!" Its too much, but like many have said - this is the healthy way, so thats somehting positive. Thanks nirac and KayC. Thanks Carol Anne, very wise words as well... "Hang in dear one, all waves of pain eventually reach shore and dissipate. Courage to you. " thanks for that!

I went to the cricket yesterday - an international game... I just remember how we were just at the Soccer World Cup recently - cuddling in the cold (as it was winter here). Its still a bit cold and I felt so alone..so empty. I missed him at the cricket and missed him keeping me warm. Also, he wasnt there to take me home, no one knows when i get home safetly anymore...i felt lonely and hated seeing couples. I cried so much on the way home, that i couldnt see..I cried so hard and long and the memories just crept in. I kept thinking "how could he be gone" The loneliness is really getting to me. 2 months since the accident and it doesnt get easier...just harder. Theres no more shock, just plain raw hurt of not having your special someone with you...your partner. I miss him so much:(

Tammy, I hear you hun. Im sitting at home alone right now...after my friend has just left. To think on a normal Sunday, he would still be with me right now...it just kills me! I miss his smile so so much! Friday, I cried so much on the way home that I too couldnt even see whilst i was driving. Fridays are the worst coz whilst everyone else is making plans, who do i spend my weekends having fun with now? Sure, I have friends - they have all helped me keep busy, but its not the same, they can in no way bring that joy of when I was with him... I agree its like emptying the ocean one bucket at a time and the more we try getting out there...they less hard each time gets.. lots of love M

I can totally relate. Im approaching the 2 month mark and I know that my friends dont want to hear my sob stories anymore... I try to keep it to just my family now and my sister has been great. Thing is, for most people, life goes on...for us, it really doesnt. I too cant get through this and dont know how im going to manage his birthday (November), Christmas, New Years, my bday (feb) and valentines:( I am dreading December the most as the four December holidays we were together since we met, we went on holidays:(

Ahhh thank you Cheryl. I needed a positive message like that one...especially today. I guess I really have to allow myself to just go through it knowing that a good day will come and I just have to be gentle and patient with myself like you say... I guess I have been expecting to feel better after a week of such deep sadness...but i have to just understand that this is the way it is and it will get better... Hugs and lots of love to you!

I can totally relate when you say "I am severely depressed and have even considered suicide but my beliefs tell me I will never see him again if I do that so I keep struggling to get by. No antidepressant works so I don't take anything. I keep getting sabotaged by memories that come out of nowhere and kick me in the gut so hard it takes my breath. We had so many good times together doing everything and nothing. When will I be able to deal with this??? When will the hurting become bearable??? When will I feel whole again not half of something and incomplete???" I too contemplated suicide and the only thing that stopped me what that I know I would go to hell and never see him again. The memories for me too are taking over and kick me in the gut like you say. When will i feel whole again - I also want to know... All i do know hun is that we're going through the process...and that at 8 weeks since the accident when i lost my love, thats all that I can say "we're going through the process and have to be patient with ourselves"...God will get us through...and we're all here for each other...lots of hugs and love, M

i feel terrible posting so much negative stuff on here and only days apart...but im really struggling... two/three weeks ago I used to have atleast one or two good days since the accident (8 weeks ago), but this last week, since last friday, i havent had a single ok day. I feel like the grief is just following me everywhere. No matter what I do i feel this sadness and pain and I just cant stop hurting and crying. I cant stop thinking about the memories and cant stop reliving the accident and wondering what I couldve done or how I could change it..Today, I just want to send him an email! We used to email each other while we were both at work, everyday... even simple things like "eating lunch and missing you" or planning holidays. All i want is to get a reply and I can never get it nor send him an email... im really at an all time low this week...

thanks all...and im sorry for all your losses too. Marty... thank you so much for that...I needed that! Thank you! Cheryl, that is exactly what I have been doing - reliving it over and over again... feeling like i could change something...Carol-ann, such a terrible way to have lost your partner...glad you found ways to say goodbye and accept it and thanks for sharing that...I will definately write to him...and maybe do what Marty's article suggested...just saying I love you! Coz i really still do have all this love...like we all do... Dar, thats the thing. I still do feel like he is going to pull in to the driveway, or send me an email or phone me (whenever my mobile rings I have to stop and realise...)...

amysue...i recently joined this site, and one thing you can be sure of is that theres alot of supportive caring people on here. This and family and friends can get you through. Theres so many people on here all going through grief...People having lost their husbands of many years, people having lost their husbands of a few years, people like me who lost my boyfriend of over 3 years in a car accident (just over a month ago) when we were a few months from our engagement and then people like you who have lost someone they just started planning a future with. I too have been robbed of a future and wish I had had more time with him. I will forever wonder about all the things we planned and dream of it all... I too am so sad that I'll never see my Zuby's smile again... Keep writing here hun... All here for you

Bill,I hear you! I try and stay in the good memories, but those memories kill me right now. I also end up alot in that last hour before his death. Like... could I have said something different. I was the last to speak to him and i guess thats how God wanted it...that he'd tell me that he loves 30 minutes before....(I cant even type the rest of this). But could I have said something that wouldve changed that. Mayb I can go back and i can - thats what I always think! I wish I knew if we'd meet together again too:( Thanks for your prayers for all of us Bill, we really all do need it...lots of love..M

If only i could change that morning when I got that call from his mother- Its like i feel as if i can change her words...and that he can be in hospital instead...and he'd still be alive. I really cant believe hes gone...It hits me at some stage everyday. My love died in a car accident and i didnt even get to say goodbye!! Can that beautiful person in all my photos really be gone. Is he really now the "past." I cannot believe this! HE WAS SO ALIVE!!! and so young and beautiful, with his whole life ahead of him. He used to look into my eyes and say he can see the world and our forever...now hes gone. How can this be real:(

Im so sorry hun! This is just terrible!! So so young and the fact that you're expecting his son and he was murdered is just terrible! Im so glad you foung this site...I found it a few weeks ago , it helps to post on here... I lost my boyfriend of over 3 years (fiance' as our engagement was set for December) in an accident about 7 weeks ago. In that same accident was his little brother 18 years old, our 28 year old friend and 31 year old uncle... I can totally relate when you say that you still feel like you can change the outcome of that night. Thats how i still feel. I remember when I got that call from his mom...i still feel like i can change that outcome... I too have never experienced a tradgedy in my life like this before...so its been really really hard:( I cant imagine what you must be going through...

I only saw these replies today...guess I just missed them... Jennalee, im sure you treasure his kada the most. I treasure zubeirs favourite jersey the most.. I do feel in many ways we are in the same boat. "What if we had gotten that future with them...". "What if, we had kids..." Still, I cant imagine how it must feel for those who spent 10 or 20 years with their partner and lost them...or whether either way it just sucks!! Yes, you're lucky that you got to be his wife, Im sure you have some really great memories. I know what your answer wouldve been about whether you would still have chosen to meet him had you known...and I think it wouldve been a yes. It is better to have loved and lost...Im all the better because I was loved by him...and im sure you are too hun. Oh dear...this is so hard...as i sit here writing, my hearts breaking knowing that we're writing in the past tense:(

Thanks all. Korina, I will definately keep posting here and Cris is right, theres a great bunch of caring people on this site. Hope you're doing ok today Bill.... Cris, I AM really glad i found this site. it was only a few weeks ago - one month after the accident, and its made a difference thats for sure. Im glad you found us, even though its only now. It shows that you were searching for a way to deal with your grief...and you found us... I was having a bad day again today. I miss the little things. Im going to list these things because they're killing me and I know I'll feel better if i do (I left my journal at work:( ) Im sure you all will post the little things you miss too... The little things I missed today: I miss that smile and those hugs and kisses when I came home from work and you welcomed me home. Or when I waited for you to come home from work and you would call out for me when you walked through the door.. I miss dishing us dinner and eating with you All i want is to watch TV with you, and eat with you...the little things:(

Beautiful!

Hi Carol Anne and Melina Gosh, cant believe that I was reading about Carol Annes siblings who committed suicide and then read about your sibling Melina... thats terrible! and on top of all of that, theres the significant loss of your partners... Melina, its good to get out there and no one says you cant still have those shift in emotions. Its true, one moment we're ok. Have decided to go for a walk or dinner, thinking we'll be ok. Next minute we think of a memory or face it and we're broken to pieces. I was having dinner with friends on Saturday and heard our first ever song. I broke to pieces!!!! Couldnt stop sobbing after I walked away. But, friends will be there and you should let them be. I know by best friend hasnt really been the best friend ie she cant deal with pain, is cold towards me and just doesnt comfort me...but, I've decided to just let my other friends, who can understand and be patient, rather be around me. I need them and you need your friends too... I guess oneday i will ask my best friend why she was so cold, but i really cant tackle that with all the pain im going through. I agree with Carol anne, write to your partner. I write to zubeir all the time. The minute Im alone and sad, I pull out my journal and start writing to him... Take it easy Melina... M

thank you for this

Bill, its so sweet that you write on here and trust me, she can hear you...well thats what i believe, that Zubeir hears me and sees what I write... I know exactly how you feel, you can see that bad day coming the minute you wake up. No matter what you do, its inevitable that you're going to suffer that day. Grief can just take over and before you know it, you're reading old emails, looking at pics, holding their clothes....and just cant get through that pain. The only thing that I know is that once I sleep that night, tomorrow could possibly be a better day? I used to tell this to zubeir whenever he had a hard day at work. Yet he hardly ever had a day of downtime, being the happy-go-lucky person that he was... I too am glad we all are here as a support to each other...keep writing Bill, it helps me

It definately does help in some way...writing things in a journal, crying and talking out loud...somehow does help... My poem was theraputic for me in that I also got to post it here and knew that somehow people could relate in some way...

Oh hunni, hope you have a better day today. Glad you feel a little better..it does go like that though and I know exactly how you feel. All of a sudden, theres nothing left in you - and then somehow we make it through. We all never know when theres going to be a change in mood. One minute we could be ok, and then next, something like a memory, a song, something they left like a cigarrete in your car...can make you go insane. I have these herbal tablets called Rescues and while I do believe it doesnt really work, just taking them makes me feel like Im helping myself. I also believe that letting it all out does help.... We're going to be ok, ok...lotsa of love to all

This weekend has just been horrible. I got home on Friday, in a terrible mood ofcourse coz I just hate that everyone I know is looking forward to the weekend with their loved and and here I am - detachhed from my other half. I decided to go to sleep at 8pm and thought that I'd be better off if i did this. Couldnt get him off my mind and realised "my fiance died in a car accident!!!" I think this was my first big reality shock! i just sobbed and sobbed, screaming out loud to the walls! I thought it would be better yesterday.I was having a pretty ok day. But then I met some friends for dinner and while everything was going so well, they restaurant played our first ever song:( I walked away and was just broken!!!! Screamed at the sky!!! Im finding it so tough and I cant get though this. I just cant do this anymore - be here without him..Im just a living vessel right now. Today I feel like just rotting actually!

Thank you all...and thank you for your kind words... I really am glad I found you all...

So i was told that one of the ways to healing was to keep a journal to vent, write down all your thoughts or to write letters to that person. Thats what I've been doing. Today I wrote a poem, and i just wanted to share it...its like i believe he will see it/hear it...Feel free to post your letters here.... To my true love: I’ll never forget the day we met…you swept me completely off of my feet Those eyes, that face and smile so sweet It was due to feit that we would meet… It was only the next day that you made me yours and you mine I will never forget you my love…until the absolute end of time You showed me true love in your own special way Took me out on dates and made every occasion a memorable day Head over heels in love we would fall We laughed, we smiled, on top of the world, we stood tall Saying I love you more than 10 times a day Seeing each other every free moment of each and every day We would travel the world and share every moment You were my first true love, forever to be we were meant There wasn’t a day with you I wouldn’t spend You were my prince, my knight in shining armour Many thought you were just a charmer Little did they know, you would make me your life I did too, and hoped someday to be your wife Thank you for the amazing memories my love This poem I send to heaven above Youre my angel now that I know for sure You still have that glow and heart forever pure I will hold dearly and will forget you not Till we meet in heaven I will miss you a lot … Save a place for me my first true love When the gates of heaven open to you I want to come… Sleep sweet Zubeir, the one that showed me what life should be Im so glad I found you, even though you’re now not with me