Lindakay

Grief is natural but don't allow it to become depression. Reassuring yourself that you will cycle out and step outside yourself to view your behavior helps. My husband suffered depression. He called it being in the well. I was the light that lifted him out. Your friends, family and co grievers can help you see that this is a cycle we all go through. It will get lighter. My mom had no time for self pity that we find ourselves in. She told me to tell my husband that she missed her dad too but if you spend all your time in grief/you never live. Looking back at what you lost is ok if you don't linger too long. Reality is that you're meant to go on for what ever purpose is before us. Secretly celebrate that you at least had those good times and a loved one that loved you. So many never had that, at least we did. Linda Kay

No time limit. Never forget them and they never are gone. My wonderful sister in law who also loved her brother came up my first Xmas. That was 11 mo after it happened. She knew. We had 3 full girlfriend weeks. I had adopted her as a sister a long time ago. I promised him she'd never be alone. We both loved his little sister. Some things sound curt and callous when friends try to advise you of things they know nothing about. My best friend is also an ex sister in law. Was married to my half brother. She lost two siblings to suicide and was a great help. She came up a year after it happened and then for the following xmas. We had so much fun acting like 40 years had not passed. She tried to get me to think about dating. You know online meeting people. Well I talked online to just two out of so many. Changed my mind about both and never met them to date. I wasn't ready.Year later..not ready still. One day I will. Don't burden them on what they haven't been through. Missy lost her brother who was my hubby and Leona lost two siblings. They knew. Yours may not. So talk to us here. We know. Linda Kay

This is weird. My husband committed suicide in his car/carbon monoxide. No mess or anything he took care. So it happened on a Tuesday. I was off and he had wanted to be cremated as do I. I had family with me for days. Went back to work Monday following. My car is a similar model and his sat in the garage since it happened. Toyota RAVs. We have 2. So I get in mine to go to work. It doesn't start/ no car problems just wouldn't start. Damn, I have to drive his. I know this so I get in and start it. Our favorite Moody Blue's song was Tuesday morning. It came on then an old song from the 80's came on. I'm burning I'm burning for you burn out today...it was the day he was to be cremated. So I said I get the message, Scott. Irrational or not.I have felt music came on for a reason. Lindakay

I read Meduim about the real woman the tv show was based on. Read John Edward's too. Watched Ghost Whisperer. Some of what they said hit home with the dream visits I've had. Edward's said they tell you something(even symbolicly in images) that proves it's them. That happened to me. Then Medium lady said they're reaching out to you sometimes to reassure you they're ok. That happened too. One said to ask them to pass on to the light for their sake. I don't see ghosts but my educated , rational sister has. I believe it's possible. You don't want them stuck here. Really. My hisband died at 16 and was brought back in the hospital where it happened. He died this last time at 56. He told me about his afdter death experience and the light. He saw and heard things while coded even in another room down the hall. He told the doctors. They said he could have known that. He was mad when he came back. He was never afraid of death after that/just life and growning old. He took his life at 56 but told me it wasn't about love. He had that. It was not wanting to continue anymore. Lindakay

Most are frauds but don't believe they can't come through with a message. I'm stable, and have been able for many years on occasion get a message from some that have passed. My grandmother started it. My dad, my mom, my father in law, sister's best friend's mom, other sister's best friend's husband and lastly my husband and once my mother in law. A real proven pychic told me there's a difference between a dream and a visitation. She asked how I felt when I had the dream. I said always good and always comforted. I said it felt like hot sand where my grandmother touched me. It was like energy and woke me up. She said That was a visit. Their energy and your's join. It sometimes is symbolic in nature. You have to figure it out. I'm not claiming I am pychic. A boss I had was third generation pychic told me I have some. He knew. His mom touched my thank you envelope I sent her and knew things she shouldn't and who sent it before turning it over. The dreams told me things in the dreams I shouldn't have know. Like what the house looked like when my mom moved out of her grandfather's farm back in 1948. What the attic looked like and room color of the room the attic door was in. All to tell my mom her mom was sending her a message. I wish I could make them happen often. They're random and I'm grateful. So pay attention to dreams. Once they pass over/dreams are the only way they visit. I was told it takes too much energy for them to try. Don't fall for the ones that prey on you. I went to a medium in the Fla town Casadega by Orlando. They're known to be a pychic town. The medium asked if I ever had a visit. I said Yes. She said it's your mother's mother(first one that did come through) She said she will not come much longer. She's choosing to be reborn in our circle soon. Someone that was already pregnant but not in our family/just close to us. We all laughed later. Whether that's trus? Who knows but I'd be happy if she could. She did not pick up on my husband at all. He would not want a middleman to speak to me. So be careful but keep an open mind. There's a series of non fiction books by a shrink called Many Lives Many Masters?? Worthwhile to read. Linda Kay

I understand what she answered you about accute grief. Only occasionally I go through that. Mine was relieving the day I came home and found he had committed suicide. It was like I was there again. Hearing a song that mattered to both of us will trigger it sometimes.He had chronic depression and warned me the day may come. It didn't help when it did. I'd always had talked him out of his mood before. Doesn't matter if they were sick and it took a while or sudden or planned as mine did. They're still gone and you still didn't want them to go. Mine wanted me to start over and try to be happy for the rest of my life. He knew I was hurting for him. I'm a happy person by nature and I was drowning in sorrow for feeling helpless to help the one I loved most.He called me the light and he was the dark. Linda kay

Dar, I lost my husband of 33 years on 1/29/07. I can't say you get over it ever. You can after a time step out of your own shoes and view what you've been feeling. Start a grief journal. Talk to him about the feelings you're having that day. It helps to write it down. It purges some of it if you can express yourself. Some of the entries, I cried my eys out. Some I didn't Just a sad longing for what was.

Bill, try writing a grief journal and print it in a folder. Reread it a year later. You'll cry your eyes out but realize you aren't there a year later. You won't be over it by any means. Been 2 1/2 years for me. Talk to her about what you feel that given day. Title the pages. One I titled Look "Forward but Not Too Far/Look Back but Not Too Long". It helps share some feelings and was something mentioned in a writing about grief. Kind of like this group but private too. Lindakay

He lost his life but you saved the kid's lives. I have an unstable ex sister in law. When my brother remarried with an 18 mo old. We begged him to allow his new wife to adopt his daughter. She did. If something happened to him...she would have been lost in such danger. You saved them. Make them your family and involve them in your future life if you meet someone in the future. Get counselling for them and be open at how much all of you miss him.Don't go through life solo. It isn't a sacrifice he would have wanted for you or them. Just involve them when you do. Lindakay

Grief comes out differently for all. Within 2 weeks I got rid of 95% of all his clothes. My mother in law kept her husband's for 3 years. She apologized once and said it's all like he was alive and all in place for him. I told her it was ok and it was normal for some to feel that way. My mom was married 50 years and gave all away within a week. Your head is shutting off at night. There's a technique for relaxing and self hyposis from a pyschiatrist. We relive things and events so instead close your eyes and focus on seeing patterns and colors in the patterns, Not real stuff we've lived. If you can see blue or purple then white light. Looks like cloudy plasma. The light will be so bright it'll make you wince. That is the "proverbial white light of healing". I'm not a nut. It works and these were published non fiction. It's the state of mind before sleep and it's calming. Mine was 33 years and my best friend/lover/husband/soul mate for sure. Lindakay

My sister loved me and didn't want me to move out of state away from our very close family. All six siblings would do anything for each other. They were quick to say things like...move home, sell your cars, sell your house. "you need to...."I just answered, not yet. They say make no sudden changes until you are ready. It's more affordable in NC than Tampa Fla. I have a good job and made friends in these five years. Alot of support when I lost Scott. He wanted me to move home too. Please, don't tell me what to do. I'm an adult and can make my own decisions. You lost your love, not your mind.I upgraded the house in case I move and sell, made it my changes for my enjoyment too. First thing I did was get a loveseat fold out bed for the computer room. Said outloud for some dark humor, "You would have really hated this couch, it's peach color. Made the computer music room (so much his personality) a library/computer room/spare bedroom. He wouldn't have liked it at all. I also said, you should have stuck around.

It's been 2 1/2 years for me too. I hope to be able to move on but never forget and appreciate what a soul mate I had for 33 years. I feel I went through the worst experience of my life...coming home and finding he had committed suicide. He told me not to look in my note he left me. I didn't. I wanted to remember the hug and kiss good bye that morning, He was warm and alive. I function but I feel like this song I heard. You ought to look it up. It's called sleep walker by Adam Lambert the Idol contestant. It's about going through the motions everyday.I'll never find another Scott but I have thought I have enough time to spend my last days with someone. I'm not needy or desparate. It happens when it's meant to happen. I don't think ypou can expect a new spouse to want you to elaborate on all the good things about the one that passed. It'll be a private fantasy about love and your youth and what yall had together. Lindakay

I lost my husband of 33 years over 2 1/2 years ago. You go through phases and it never goes away completely. I was in limbo/shock that he was gone. You purge stuff and give away his clothes. You change the house to make it yours, not "ours". A year later you think...I could start over. Then you talk to someone and realize you're not ready to date again. They aren't "him". You write a grief journal and tell "him" everything you feel like that day. Read it a year later asnd you are not in that frame of mind..a bit better. You travel and cook things he never liked. Have no one to feel guilty at wanting to go see family and friends out of state. We loved being together all the time. He wanted to move to our favorite vacation state. Away from family. Then going home when he didn't want to made me feel guilty. I don't feel bad travelling now. I do talk to him still. Mine wrote me over 100 poems. He was passionate and timeless. Looked 20 years younger than men of his age. He was sensitive and good looking. Told me how much he loved me every day. He also told me he wanted to die but not because he lacked love. He was chronically depressed at the end. He wanted life to end. One day he did what he warned me he would. He committed suicide. Wrote me three notes. One hidden where I knew it would be. One to me to be shared and one to the rescue workers, He wrote a goodbye poem.