hello123

Hi Niamh, I totally get what you mean my brother told me a few weeks before him and my dad went to tesco and he was telling the cashier "my daughter goes to university" the joking but serious pride. I had exams recently and it was so hard not being able to ring him, I always did after an exam and complain and so he started saying "how did it go, actually let me guess AWFUL" because I always said it did. I didnt want to ring my mum or anyone else, and yeah people say oh you can still talk to him but no because you want a reply!!!!!!!!

Thank you Carol Ann, it's difficult when you make a great effort to say something and the person responds in a nasty way. But you're right I'm better off just talking on here to people who understand rather than people around me so called "friends"

Yeah people are annoying, I know what you mean makes me angry too they say stupid things and you think I would never say that if it was the other way round!

It's such a cliche and I should know to expect this because it has been happening for ages, but it hasn't even been a year and people around me not only have they forgotten but they are insensitive! This friend expects me to be there for her and support her and its been years since her mum was diagnosed and recovered and my other friend is having problems with her parents being split up and has just avoided me and been really rude to me because shes so preoccupied in her problems, I dont even expect people to be asking me how I am or anything just to be nice to me and around me so It's not a depressing atmosphere! But nobody even cares they just expect me to deal with it, i'm surrounded by misery so even if I want to escape and try I can't.

Thank you so much for your replies Daughter2010: What you said is so right and especially about her mum being around for her to spend time with because thats the main issue I dont understand how its not obvious that having someone around is better than not. 2sweetgirls: Thanks your post cheered me up and actually made me smile because I was scared to say these things and dont like thinking them because I dont want to feel like a horrible person but now I know that im not alone and it is so true about the difference, most people are just uncomfortable and dont know what to say. I really do hope that if she experiences (when but it wont be the same again because it will be expected) but when she does then she'll realise that it was stupid of her Steven: What you said is so right but usually when people don't know HOW to deal with things they act clueless rather than pretending they know it all. I'm sick of her always saying how difficult it is for if I breach the subject but you're right I just have to be careful, I've realised that nobody is there how you expect them to be so just have to ignore this and be careful around everyone as to not upset myself but try and ignore it!

I know!! People have said stupid stuff to me a friend once said "I know how you feel, trust me I know exactly how you feel" because his parents had split up?! As for this friend I thought it would be different because she wasnt there but when we were friends she knew how close I was to my dad. I tried talking to her but she thinks I'm "trying to make it into a competition" it's so frustrating she actually truly believes I should be feeling pity for her. Oh well as hard as it is I have to try and ignore all that and just be friendly, it's so hard realising how people are, another friend who's dad has cancer doesn't react like her I have tried to be there for her and told her what I would've done if I knew my dad was going to die. But her as well only talks when she wants to, but at least she acknowledges that it is worse being dead!!! I just can't bring up the subject with this friend, I feel like she laughs it off like its nothing it's so annoying!!!

Thank you so much Carol Ann, that sounds like exactly what it is! And I know its hard for me to emphasise at the moment so I think it's a good idea for me to stop talking about the issue full stop, better for her and me. Thanks

Thank you for replying! She's stubborn and truly believes what she says is right, so I've just said that we should agree to disagree and I'm just going to make sure I never bring it up again! It just gets me started because I think I actually envy her I wish my dad had cancer and survived anything but this, but /i cant say that because she thinks im being selfish. ARGH serves me right I've had nothing but bad experiences with people around me trying to understand!!

I posted this on the end of my other one but its just getting to me so much now!! A friend of mine who broke off contact with me after my dad because I wasnt "there for her" but we made up now because she was a good friend. Her mum had cancer a few years ago and has now made a full recovery although I try and never talk about my situation or how I feel when I mention it she dismisses it and equates it to her situation but her mum is alive and well. I dunno what to do!!! It's driving me mad, i've tried saying but how can I say YOU ARE LUCKY BECAUSE YOUR MUM IS ALIVE AND NOT DEAD in a nice way?! She keeps saying "dont u think I know how you feel" and "trust me people dont even ask how my mum is now" comparing it to how people dont ask how we are!! But thats because her mum is alive! Im not even insensitive I always ask but it's getting too much when she always acts like my situation is no worse than mine. what do i do???

thats how I would describe it too, nowadays most of the time its ok locked up and forgotten about but you cant control when its gonna come out but I dont even think its a bad thing to keep it locked away when you can because otherwise we wouldnt be able to do anything

I know what you mean, everyone says to me "you weren't to know" but IF ONLY there was so many thing I wanted to say/do and now won't be able to, some days you can deal with it and know it wasn't your fault because you weren't to know and other days its hard to deal with!

Then that means he was lucky to have you, who appreciated him who loved him. He wouldn't have had that there, you should be proud that you were able to do that

I'm so sorry, but all I can say is you're not alone in how you feel, my Dad's Mum always says she wishes it was her instead of my dad, it's just not right. You hear of young children dying and that's so horrible and unfair, but then on the other hand in one of my degree modules we are always learning about how people are living longer now and I always see adverts on TV doing special "50+" offers and think some people's lives begin at 50 where as my Dad didn't even get a chance. As for the going back to Thailand, I understand you because my relatives in India also don't see why we must grieve, I'm not sure what they believe but the words "Gods will" have been thrown around a lot. All I can say is don't hide how you're feeling, don't be uncomfortable crying because it's a good thing, I feel like a robot now and I know if I cry I would feel so much better. And as for the trip to scatter his ashes I hope it's a peaceful trip for you.

Hey, I think its a thing that happens when you lose someone you're scared it'll happen again soon. I have some nightmares sometimes last night I was ill and it was weird like my dad was still here but I don't remember the actual dream but I woke up and was gonna ring him so was weird. And when stuff happens I always think something bad has happened, once my mum went out and left her phone at home and I saw a police bike coming towards my house and thought she had died in a car accident and had a weird panic attack but couldn't tell anyone because it was only my little brother at home. Worst thing is I can't even say that im worrying unnecessarily because when someone told me my dad was 'ill' and my friend was like dont worry its gonna be nothing it wasnt nothing he was dead. All I can say is just try and not worry so much that you will lose someone else because the dreams we have is what is in our minds, so if you try and spend lots of time with them and try and worry less about that it may help?

So sorry for your loss, I totally understand what you're saying about being feeling robbed but at the same time lucky. My dad was 50 and died suddenly, everyone says I should be thankful for the time I had with him because my brother was only 7, and we should be thankful he didnt have to suffer. So on one hand we feel grateful, some people have worse situations I went on a young peoples messageboard and there were messages from 15 year old children who had lost both parents, but on the other hand the majority of people live beyond 60 and people have their parents until theyre really old so we have been robbed. When I get really angry and upset and feel robbed, I just think of how much worse it is for some other people, not dimissing what has happened but in the moment it makes me feel a teeny bit better

Nicholas, Just to let you know I went on the gonetoosoon page you made, it's really nice, I read about it a week after my dad died and go on it all the time now!

When you say "I suck for not dealing with her death" from what I can see that is so far from the truth, you're still there you're carrying on you've decided to stay and finish. My aunty who lost her dad stayed at home wallowing not looking after her children properly and feeling sorry for herself now that in my opinion is not grieving efficiently. And you say for being a baby but you know that's not true! You've had so many responsibilities think about other kids our age I dunno about you but around me all they have to worry about is partying, socialising nothing else. You deserve sympathy from other people this isnt just an everyday occurence and thats what you need to remember!

almostErin I'm so sorry for your loss especially because you're so young and it's not fair. You seem like you've had to grow up from a very young age, I am 21 I was 20 when I lost my dad, I didn't have to sort out all the funeral stuff because there was family around to help but I also feel like I have to look after everyone now and grow up before my time. But it's so much worse for you because you were a main carer!! I know what you mean about finishing studying, I was in the middle of my degree, luckily the times worked out so I was able to take off a few months but I just didnt want to drag it out and come back to it later so I decided to finish and thats what I'm doing now. Lots of people say "I wouldnt have come back if I were you" and you're totally right with the not having time to grieve, first it was like yeah wanna keep busy wanna get it out of the way but because I'm away from home I would feel helpless and just cry sometimes out of nowhere and stuff in class made me feel bad sometimes because it was a lot of bereavement related/health related. But now it's been a few months, I am glad I cam back because I'm looking forward to finsihing, but I have exams and sometimes you think you're ok and then you just break down. Anyway I'm just saying this because if it's possible maybe take a few months off when you're at the stage where you cry everyday? And then later it will become less and it'll be good to come back to studying and although it's so difficult to stay focused if you let them know about your circumstances and just do as much as you can but dont push yourself

So I thought Id put it on here even though its kinda a new topic. Its a different complaint to usual rather than people not being there more people trying to understand but not doing it!! So a friend I fell out with after my dads death, well I didnt fall out she just decided to stop speaking to me has tried to come back into my life, and I let her because beggars cant be choosers and she was a good friend we had good times and I dont have many people around me right now to distract me. I made the mistake of getting into a conversation with her involving me telling her how I feel about this sudden death, that no1 understands and I'm appalled at how they react. BUT all I get from her makes me annoyed, her mum had cancer a few years ago and beat it, now shes talking to me like my situation is no worse than hers n im like HANG ON because she says oh trust me nobody asks after the few months when my mum was better nobody even asks how she is (even though I always did and so did my mum). Am I being cruel here or what because I dont think her situation is as bad, Id hate to have seen my dad suffer but if he was ok and alive now I wouldn't equate it to the sudden death no goodbyes no memories to treasure. She laughs/dismisses it and tells me oh dont single urself out from other people, maybe if it was someone who understood I would value her advice more but I cant I feel like shes so dismissive she wasnt there when I needed a friend, I enjoy spending time with her but hate her reaction. Just wanted to know am I being unreasonable because thats how it feels? As though our situations are the same and I should feel pity for her rather than myself because I still think I am jealous I wish my dad got cancer and got better, but she cant understand!!

thanks for your reply kayc def helped i was angry at him but ur right cant fault him because I chose to!!

Thanks for your reply KayC, yeah I know not to expect off him but I feel like those last few months I could've made the most of time with my dad but I was so preoccupied with my boyfriend and its such a big punishment, and I feel like he owes me because he took all that time away but he cant even be supportive!!! I dunno when I'll stop being angry with him I think it'll last longer than just a usual getting over your ex thing because its so joined together with my dad

I'm just really annoyed!! it was 11 months since my dad died and I have no friends to talk to about it because they don;t understand and I cant talk to my family, so I thought I would text my ex and he said you know if you ever want to talk about stuff like that you can always talk to me" he always said it regardless of anything that happens/has happened. And usually I wouldnt but I really wanted to rant, so I asked him to ring when he was free and by midnight I hadnt heard from him so sent a message saying "thanks for ringing I know who to go to when I want to talk" and he was like "sorry I forgot". Now that really hurt because when it was his fathers 8 year anniversary I made an effort to go and see him and be with him I don't know if im overreacting I know I shouldnt expect anyone to be so nice to me especially someone who doesnt even like me anymore but is it too much to ask for? I know I should just forget it and leave it but why is he being like that its so rude and cruel and I'm so angry!!

Thank you so much for your replies

It's so weird today, 11 months to date, I dont keep track of the date but today it's different because in a months time I will no longer be able to think "this time last year". Again no support from anyone, a friend has tried to talk to me and asked if I want to talk and I kinda do but she's like "remember the good times" and making it all happy and upbeat but it's not she doesn't understand. I can't think f the good times because they were cut short there was due to be so many more. I can't cry properly, I'm angry still why us EVERYONE else is over 50 why couldn't my dad live over it. It's such a helpless feeling, getting angry doesn;t even help theres nothing I can do, I just don't know what to do

Of course, this is a cliché but he was your son, children aren't supposed to die before their parents. I can relate in the way that where you are now I was the same, I couldn't do anything without crying, my dad's shoes are still at the back door his brand new glasses on the table every time I saw them I would cry. Now it's 11 months exactly today and I can already see how different it is now to then, I long to be back to the time where I could cry all day long and everything would remind me of him but right now where I am that doesn't happen. I know how frustrating it is to hear this because up till a few months ago when people said time would make it easier to deal with, it would make me so angry I would say time won't bring him back my life will be worse in time because I'll have to accept this has happened and I didn't believe it, I don't think time has healed but I know that the stage I am at now is so different to where I was a few months ago, and I'm sure it will be the same for you.