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Hi Whyknot I'm sorry for your losses! (Sorry everyone probably says that!) The only thing I can relate to is at the beginning everyone was doing the hugging/crying thing now nobody does! There's a "loss of child" section people have been in a similar situation. I'm so sorry I can't really relate to you but I can see what you mean about being older and having to treasure, my grandma lost her son (my dad) and she is getting older and i can tell I feel bad going round crying I feel like she should be making the most of HER life but how can she when there's sadness and grief so I guess she tries to be happy and carry on the days she can. About not remembering how to deal with it like you said it's always different and im so sorry its had to happen twice but all I can say is after a few months the load and grief may lighten (I wont say get better because I HATE when people say that) and then maybe you can enjoy some moments more than you are now, so you can 'grieve' as well as making the most of your life

Definitely agree with the world should stop! I hate summer coming around I feel liek it should always be miserable and rainy that only seems right! Doesnt seem right to be sunny and everyone keep being happy and going on!

Carol Ann thank you for your reply. You summed it up so well its exhausting to grieve theres no energy for other things!

Sorry this is a bit long but I just wanted suggestions advice I guess, I went to see my counsellor but its such a short session and now I won't see her again for 2 weeks. It's bad enough what has happened, and usually when bad things happen you can distract yourself with the others things but everywhere I look everythings turned sour and I don't know how to escape. I'm living at University away from home only have a few weeks left but every aspect of my life is a shambles and it doesnt 'upset' me I'm just fed up but also confused how can everything just be problematic. If someone has just one of these problems its more than enough to get them down I'm trying not to get down but I just dont get why everythings happening. My academic life is bad, I had the worst tutor and the girl I was working with was crying and hysterical all the time because of the way our tutor treated us and how it is affecting our mark. I couldn't even be upset I didn't let it bother me, nothing really does anymore. My social life is the same I'm just lonely, my house situation is awful I live with my ex best friend who has decided to start bullying me and Im not allowed to watch her TV so I sit in my room all the time and living in the house is awful. My ex boyfriend cheated and lied to me and doesnt want anything to do with me even though I always still try and talk to him. I want to go home so badly but I dread the thought, although Im getting used to not speaking to my dad going home makes me feel sick because hes not there and I dread moving back. That is every aspect of my life, everyone else my age who only knows about one of these things is like "that must be so horrible how do you deal with it" and I don't even 'deal' with these things because they seem so minor I dont want to waste my energy so I try and stay calm and unaffected. However, I just don't understand why this is always happening, ever since my Dad died small bad things have happened in the rest of my life, stressors which are supposed to pass but which have been going round in circles never allowing me to find anything that will distract me make me happy. I just think even when one of these things happens to someone else it's bad enough but why are they just happening and not stopping? And what do I do and where do I go to improve it all?

Hi Princesspeanut I know exactly how you feel I have so many regrets because i NEVER thought this would EVER happen. Somehow the guilt never consumes me though I don't know what I do I just think whats the point I feel bad enough as it is if I think about stuff like that it would be so much worse. I NEVER said "I love you" to my Dad, we never said things like that, we never hugged just like in a jokey way and the last time I saw him he hugged me bye and I just tapped his back but I always think at least we didnt have an argument before he died (not that I remember, I remember being annoyed because he rushed on the phone and couldnt talk to me because someone else had rang) and how much worse it would be if we had had an argument and I was nasty omg the thought of that feels horrible and I always think that has happened to other people and I am lucky it didnt to me

Hi Nicholas, I know what you/he means though but I think its better to do that. In the beginning I did have times where I chose to 'wallow' going out of your way to look at photos listen to music you know its going to make you cry but thats comforting! Pretending everythings fine and doing other things isn't healthy. However there are times when if you did 'stuff' you would be able to forget well not forget but it wont be as consuming, but only you know when those days are. I understand it though sometimes I purposely stayed at home looked at his clothes and made myself cry and now I do that less I chose not to but sometimes it is comforting and in time you might decide to do other things and do that less but you should do what makes you feel good. And if that means staying in and grieving do that but if its not then try and go out and do things and see if it helps?

I'm so sorry for your loss and I get what you mean. I was 20 when my dad died last year and my brothers 15 and 7 and I feel like my youngest brother is not "dealing with it" but obv not I mean how can a young child deal with something like that, we avoid it don;t talk about it and we think its in his best interest to go on as normal as he can. But when you get older things trigger it because you couldnt deal with it when you were young. My friend lost her mum at 12 and said it only "hit " her and she only started dealing with it at 21 and for me I have broken up with my bf and I feel weird like its SO upsetting and I cant talk to anyone because its not just a "break up" its centered around everything to do with my dad, and it makes it 10000x worse...I dunno what advice to give don't let people make you think its a small thing because its not and just know that you are not the only one!!

Thank you so much for your replies. Nicholas: I know what you mean when I go home the house we shared together it's like his presence is there but its like we're adjusting without him that's what I mean so although it feels like he's around its getting normal for him not to be also I do have a memorial website which now doesn't feel the same when I go on it! Niamh and BellaRosa I know exactly what you mean the photo thing, thats like on the website its JUST a photo not a person and its so weird. I hate it

I know people have probably said this before but I wonder if it's the same. Someone who lost his father when he was 21 and now 30 said that "sometimes it feels like I never really knew him like he didn't exist" and it was the worst thing to hear I NEVER wanted that I would rather fresh pain everyday than forgetting. But recently although it hasn't even been long, was only one year in Feb so like a year and a few months but getting used to it means that I'm forgetting not just him but what it was like when he was around. Maybe it's because i'm not at home, but last night he was in my dream not HIM but his face and his hands I saw them so closely n vividly and cried because I hadn't seen his face for so long, but it was like a stranger waking up it was not like before but like who was that, thats all he is now a memory and I'm scared because adjusting means not remembering what it used to be like. It's just so sad, for him that he didn't have long enough to have a legacy yea it was longer than other people but now because MOST of our lives will be that without him his impact won't be as strong as it should be.

Tee I SO understand what you said and I do the same and feel bad. The only time I feel 'normal' and not alone is when I block it on and pretend that it hasn't happened and I also feel guilty about it but its the only time you dont feel that feeling and you feel like everyone else

Dear Luna, I am so so sorry for your loss. I just wanted to say that you ask a lot of questions about why you weren't enough but it sounds like she was ill and just how when people are physically ill when they are mentally ill they can't help what they are thinking/doing. So don't ever think it was because you weren't enough xx

Thank you so much for your reply KayC very uplifting!

Looking at his picture on the gonetoosoon website, wanting to talk to him not being able to fathom never being able to do that...such a deep pain so deep its all consuming at that moment you just don't know what to do but what can you do? nothing

Despite all the advice that was given on this post I did a stupid thing I got back with my ex because I thought don't I deserve to just stop thinking and do something that makes me happy anything that will distract me and make me feel a teeny bit better? Well it was good while it lasted then I went home for a while and we argued and he cheated and told me he can't be with me anymore now I'm back where I was before but so much worse. This has affected me so much but I don't know why I KNEW it wasn't gonna last I knew he wasn't right but I didnt care I didnt think about it I just wanted to make myself feel better sometimes but now I feel sooo down I know I can't have anything to do with him ever again and I know I will get over it but it's not the same as everyone else they can get through a break up because that's the only bad thing at the time but I just can;t deal with this it's too much!!!

It's like I'm looking at everything so differently, because I study Psychology I know this is the difference between people who can 'cope' and who can't the way they look at things. But before it was like little things are insigniificant they don't matter because of the enormity of what has happened but now it's like those little things were helping 'perk' me up keep me going but now I don't have anything it feels horrible. I feel like a hypocrite because I never understood how people let these supposedly small things affect them so much but now I'm in that position and no matter how rationally I think the overwhelming feeling of horrible emptiness and just URGH it won't go away I can't function I wanna stop this but I don't know hoW!!

I feel so low but a weird low that I can't come out of usually when I cry it's comforting but now it feels horrible, small things my bf broke up with me I have a main deadline for tomorrow but these things that would've taken the edge off that are usually distractions but now everything is just bleak. Before I used to think when I go back home it will be better but I was at home for a month I know that's not the case how do I get through this nothing to look forward to everything is just bleak. I always had that my dads not here nothing will be happy but now it's all consuming, when my friends have these small things happen to them they can get through because everything else is happy but what do I do when nothing is now? I haven't felt this bad before I know I couldn't afford to but now I can't help it I can't ignore it and carry on I know it will take time but I don't want to feel like this for any amount of time!

HAP I really enjoyed reading your post and this line is the motto of my life at the moment I think: "The patience the world demands of us is enormous. It is one more unfairness stacked on top of all the unfairnesses we are expected to carry."

Thanks for your replies and Niamh thats my thought exactly just want a break from it all!!!!

Sorry for the late reply! I'm sure you're doing perfectly as well as you can being there for them and being supportive is something that other people wouldn't even be able to do because they would be too caught up in their own grief so the fact that you're trying is something amazing! Yes they don't have a Dad but everyone always says to me which I hate but it is true I guess..there's nothing we can do about that just try and make do as best we can and you're doing really well!!

Thats what I always use to cope, try and be grateful and think about other people who are in so much worse situations so why should I complain but then everyone around me isn't like that so it's hard to see

I don't know if anyones felt like this, I was doing so well being strong I was so surprised that I wasn't reacting in a different way but now everything's just going wrong and I can't handle it anymore, everyone has a breaking point right? What do you do when you just can't deal with stuff anymore can't face pain from everything it's like a prison I can't ever escape but why does everything bad just keep happening one upset after another after another, small things but they build up and meanwhile people around you don't even have the small bad things happen but you have them all.

After speaking to someone I guess they are two different things, I think she means she can't 'feel him around' in a spiritual sense but can imagine what he would say in certain situations and thinks about that. That's just a guess because when I once spoke to someone who had lost his father he said I just imagine what he would say if I was doing this or if I told him that. Rather than a spiritual sense or ghostly sense which maybe she means because when people sometimes say "he is with you" its followed by "in spirit" so I dunno that would just be my guess...

Niamh, I didn't know about Gywneth Paltrow and just read that article and what she says is EXACTLY how I feel: "It was devastating beyond belief and I am still very traumatised at the memory. I still feel it in my nervous system. I wish he was still alive and it's a real weight that I carry, like a black hole. My friends say, 'He's always with you,' and I say, 'Oh rubbish. No, he's not, he's dead.' "I am interested in Jewish and Christian mysticism and Sufism. I'm also interested in cause and effect and karma and God. I don't feel my father around or anything. I don't know if I will see him again. He never got to see his grandchildren. That really sucks because he would have been the best grandfather." I'm so glad im not the only one! So thanks for sharing that!

Hey Melina, I definitely don't think theres anything abnormal about what you are saying, yeah they are good events but that's also why they make you upset, he's missing all these things he's not there with you it's normal to be upset. And as for the wedding anniversary that's another thing that's bound to be upsetting, sometimes people say stuff and I dunno about you but I take it in the wrong way but they don't mean it in a bad way, she's happy and excited but in my personal opinion she should be a bit more sensitive but thats just me I think people should make allowances because sometimes when they say stuff it's upsetting and that upset couldve been avoided. As for you crying, it hasnt been long it's good that you are crying rather than getting angry or keeping it all in etc so don't think theres anything wrong with it because there's not!!

Sorry that wasn't really a suggestion but just to let you know you are not alone in feeling this way, my younger brother whos now 8 loves going to theme parks in the holidays my dad would take him all the time, even I would but my cars broken and my mum plans to take him but shes always unwell so cant and feels really bad and that hes feeling the void, its inevitable all you can do is try and do as much as you can but don't pressure yourself I hate how people say to my mum "you have to be a mum AND a dad now for the kids" and it's like no, he's gone and its a massive void and try and work around it and do things but don't pressure yourself to fill his role as well just do what you can I'm sure whatever you do is good enough for your children!!