just one more hug

Love all your responses to this post...makes me feel closer to all of you....and Nats..I just knew you were spoiled....that's the way God wanted it I think...We spoiled our husbands out of love and got paid back ten fold....So much love through so many years on these pages...I watch the news at 6....all the violence in London...the fugative siblings from Florida...the mass killing of family members in Ohio...What is wrong with people anyway??? There is so much love recorded here you get the sense that something must be going wrong in so many lives. Even through our grief and sadness we have to be thankful for the knowledge that we have known love and what life can really be like...even though it was not constant bliss. Seems a lot of people just don't get what is really important. So sad for them. I hope all of you having those little "blips" in your life right now...like mowers...pumps...sprinklers etc. have the good fortune I had today. My mower was transported to hardware this am...just got called....was a spark plug...$23.70.....yea!!!!!Heart can go back to it's normal rythem now...visions of much more$$$$....shame on me...did not heed Bill's words....Don't worry...Don't hurry...I'll try harder. I just know he is up there pulling for me. Must get that tattoo on my other wrist...LOL Kay...wonderful news...no surgery...somebody up there pulling for you too!!!! Wishing you only good things forward...it's your turn. Off to get my oil changed...just noticed the sticker on the window...was due 2 20 11...sorry Bill..... God bless us all....and help us visit those dark places less often...Carol

Pam...a very personal choice...can't give advice but I have an appointment for annual check up end of month. I will cry..for a fact..and he will suggest meds...for a fact. And I will refuse. Agasin..very personal choice. They may do wonders for you and only you will know how your feelings react...you will be your best judge. I did try...during the first couple weeks....felt like someone had taken over my senses and I could not feel...hated that. But...on the other hand...many swear by them..and can't function without...again.... very personal choice....If and when you try...you will know....trust your instinct...God bless and good luck.....Carol......Just another tid bit...A sweet lady at our bank lost her husband just before their first grandbaby was to arrive here on earth...In trying to comfort her...I said that since her husband had arrived in heaven before the baby was born...and thats where all babies come from...he actually got to see her FIRST...she still reminds me of that conversation and how much she loved just the thought of him being the FIRST to have that pleasure....Peace in your heart....Carol

Nats...Never gave it much thought in my own grief how the male side would react to household chores. It all makes sense though...you get used to always having those clean, ironed shirts, drawers full of clean and folded underware and socks, clean sheets and the orderly welcome home we wives (most of us) always tried to provide. One thing I always noted when I see a very spoiled "son"....I feel sorry for the girl who marries him. My husband had a pretty rough childhood...his Mom left him and his two brothers with his Dad...an army of four...they HAD to learn a lot at a young age. But that was the exception to the rule...however...it paid off for me as Bill could cook and clean and never made a fuss about helping me. God, could I use him today...everything needs dusting...Nats..sounds like you have mastered the survival mode...I applaude you...well done!!! I tried to instill this in our son as he was growing up and my daughter in law loves me for it. Not saying you were spoiled Nats...maybe just unaware the Household Fairy did not magicaly make all this happen...just as I personally may have had a feeling of magic because everythig ran smoothly...lawn mower, furnace, dripping faucets, freshly painted shutters, It was not magic,...It was Bill. Guess in the end we are pretty evenly matched...and now taking on each others rolls.... Deb...your thoughts echo mine in so many ways...always having to ASK for help....I do think getting mad is what keeps us going...something kicks in and moves us to action...sometimes I think the mad feeling replaces the grief for a moment and it is almost a relief...for a moment. And on we go....almost five months...seems like a lifetime...tears fall, heart skips beats, we cry, get mad and in the end we are still in the same mode...to somehow survive this unwanted place life has taken us. Whatever you are doing...keep doing it.....you sound like s strong person to me...God Bless..and keep writing...you also have a way to connect with our own feelings in a sincere and honest way...a little humor thrown in...love it.. Kay...sorry your daughter can't visit more...a great comfort to share the silly things like Bachlorette...which is VERY silly...but mind numbing at the same time....something we need..distraction...hopefully by next season she will come around more and you can reconnect...I think that would be good for you... PS...can't ride the mower to hardware....forgot...it won't run...Duh!!!! Tells you how my mind is working ...or not....Carol

Meg...your on the right track now....the memorial is a great idea.....let the sleeping dogs lay..(his relatives)..else you may open a can of worms you may regret...keep going forward with the memorial...it hopefully takes your heart down another path...and be a good way to honor your loved one...he will be proud of you....I pray it will also take away some of the anger you feel and replace it with even a small healing of your heart. It's a long journey...I write to you through my own pain and broken heart...you are not alone....Carol

Wow!!!..you inspire me....that scene seems far off in the future for me right now...if ever....but...still inspired...thank you....Carol

God works in strange ways....don't we all here know that....try to give it some time and put your energy into giving you daughter extra attention and maybe writing a journal with his pictures and all the wonderful things you can remember about him. Your daughter would treasure this one day. There are things in life we have no control over..no matter how we try....so write this down while all your memories are fresh...maybe this will ease your heartache and send you in another direction. Anger over what you can't fix will eventually make you sick...then what will your daughter do??? She will be proud of your strength and she needs comfort too...to know her daddy loved her is more important than where his body is...remind her he will always be with her..and you...in spirit. It will take courage to let this go...but I bet you have it. All of us here have had to bend to God's will...like it or not...Wishing you strength to know what you can change and what you can't.....and to go forward with your daughter to a more peaceful life...knowing you will see him again one day....Carol

Deb and Kay...loved your response to my post about the Honey Do list...which now has become the Honey Do It Yourself list...LOL Even through our loss and sadness it was refreshing to detect the hint of humor in your posts ...we truly could be friends. And Deb..my mower also took a turn for the worse and my sprinkler system has also sprung a leak. I cried...wrung my hands and called out for Bill to get back here...I needed him....he couldn't come of course...so back to survival mode...enlisted my Grandson to bring his trailer and get mower to hardware for repair...it's a rider so I could not just load it in my truck...did think about riding it to hardware so as not to bother Grandson..but on second thought!!!....Hope not too much $$$ to fix and that it gets back before I have a jungle to deal with..... Son in law offered to look into sprinkler leak...along with my son...then the guilt sets in...and the tears...hate being dependant with my GO TO man no longer here....you both know what I mean. I am so blessed with the family I have...My girls (2) feed me way too much..shop with me and watch Big Brother and the Bachelorette with me every week.....my son does his part also..but you know what they say...A daughter is a dsughter all her life...a son ..a son til he takes a wife....I love them all dearly...daughter in law needs son right now as her Mom is fighting the C word...so he is where he needs to be....with his wife...as Bill always was for me...Guess that is one of the many good traits he picked up from his Dad. And Kay....love that you still had that list on the fridge...I would have kept it there....want to hear something really dumb??? The last pair of jeans and socks Bill wore are still in his hamper...just don't want it empty yet....stupid I know but...don't care...gotta do what we gotta do...right??? Kay..hope things are going better for you and that you get the medical help you so bsdly need ...you seem to always bounce back...be proud of that.... Thinking of you both and wishing you some moments of peace in your memories and know that when you fall apart for no reason at all...I'm right there with you...the sisterhood of pain and hope....for all of us here climbing this mountain...I wish you God's blessings and courage.......Love Ya....Carol

Meg...so sorry....I printed your "son"...I did mean you and your daughter.....sorry...good luck in what ever the outcome...Carol

Meg...perhaps better to remember your loved one as he was??? No one can tell you how to feel or what you really want...but the heartache you may suffer from the viewing may blur the memory forever of the face and expressions you hold so dear right now. Just a thought. A dear friend of mine lost her son in a tragic accident and was advised not to view his body. She insisted and now can never erase that awful moment. He was a beautiful boy...but that picture is forever burned in her soul. My husband was cremated and our son has his ashes..waiting to be mingled with mine when the time comes. Hopefully, this could become an option for you. Our family has never felt the need of a place to visit...knowing by faith that he is always around us anyway. Have you consulted a lawyer??? First consult is usually free. Just a thought. Wishing you an outcome that will give you and your son peace of mind. Just think hard before you commit to a viewing....keep the image of the one you loved safe in your heart and your mind. God Bless....Carol

Funny how the Honey-Do list has passed down to me now....As I look over the newly seeded lawn this morning..where yesterday there were huge piles of dirt ..I feel a sense of hope knowing that soon new life will sprout and the grass will once again be green. Life without Bill will never be the same but it gives me the feeling he is looking down and telling me to "water" and tend to the rest of my life, not to be held hostage to grief but to honor him by remembering his often spoken words to me...Don't worry..Don't hurry ...He was so good to me. Funny you mentioned the handles for the cabinets...that was on his list also...guess I will have to get out the screw driver... I did go to that dark place again last night...always the hardest part of the day...or is it the rude wake up call in the morning knowing another day looms with many challenges yet to face? But somehow having the faith that Bill...like Sharon..is still hovering over us...unseen but felt...happy we are at least trying to survive until we are reunited once again. All Bill ever wanted was for me to be happy...not in a material way...just happy in spirit...taking life a day at a time. What a way to honor them...Life now is what it is...a rollar coaster of grief and hope...but at the end of the ride...pride in ourselves that we made it to the end...once again in the company of the one we loved so much. I truly believe this. I sound so brave...but I am not...Only by the grace of God!!!!....Carol

Thanks Mary...Good for "US"...I needed that......Carol

Brian....Ruth smiles today!!...God Bless....keep up the positive....Carol

Kay...Do try to get some answer. ER may be the best way...don't settle for less. Will keep you in thought and prayer and watch for an update...good luck..Carol

You do have a gift...your writing stirs my emotions...so heartfelt and honest...we can all relate. To remind yourself to "just breathe", the tattoo I had put on my inner wrist, as a reminder that some days that is an accomplishment in itself. Grief held me down on some days so bad that I did forget to breathe...still happens at times...on those days it's ok to just breathe.... I have found that to be true. At times I have been depressed after reading some posts here..feeling all the pain...your writings and way with words, even through the sadness, are somehow uplifting ....thank you....

Trying to tell myself that Bill would be so proud of me....only hope so. Had the chance in the last couple of days to challenge myself to the task of getting hooked up to the new sewer system. Not that there was a choice..October is the deadline for hookup. Thank God, Bill, as usual, saw to it that $$$ was in place to pay for it and not cheap!!! So unfair to make it manditory and put people in debt for something they don't even want!!!!! But that's another story. I was scared and tearful to venture into the unknown without Bill but called the company he had spoken to last year and set the date. They remembered him..he always was unforgetable!!! The work started on Monday and will be completed this afternoon. The workers and I started to talk about Bill yesterday and I could not hold back the tears as they recounted his sense of humor and how they had looked forward to working here. I told them had he been here now he would be charging them for entertainment....that was just Bill...always endearing to all he met. Knowing Bill, he would have been right out there handing out water, compliments and humor. I could actually picture this...so vivid. No wonder the tears. Guess the point to my post is that, after less thsn 5 months since I lost him..I found the strength to "get it done" and make him proud of me. No shame in showing my tears and sadness for my loss to complete strangers and to experience such compassion and understanding. People are good. God is Great. Still tearful...full of sadness and yet proud of myself for this little bit of strength, giving me hope that one day I will be ok. Tomorrow I may be back in that dark place again..or maybe even yet today...just wanted you out there who think you can't "do it"....the first time you do...you will be amazed at the feeling...knowing your loved one is looking down from Heaven saying "Good Job" honey. Sorry if this sounds like a dumb thing to post but any sign of hope soothes my heart....may it do the same for you......Carol

Just beautiful...the love shines through loud and clear.....and yes...just one more ordinary day...would be heaven....

My faith tells me we will be reunited again...in what form???..don't have that answer. Could not go on if I did not believe that. A twinge in my heart at just the thought of that not being true. Won't go there!!!!...I will be with him again...maybe we'll even dance I hold that in my heart...gets me through some pretty bad days....Sometimes we tend to think too much about this stuff. Just lock the thought of that reunion in your heart and have faith.....I often think of the little verse I heard someplace..or read...If I die before you do...I'll go to heaven and wait for you. Bill is waiting....my heart tells me.......Carol

Dear Melina...I also just celebrated an anniversary...54th...alone. I dreaded the thought of that day...but as I posted here earlier, I closed the blinds...put on one of our favorite songs..held out my arms...and danced...It actually felt good...and no matter what anyone else thinks...in my heart I know Bill was holding me. It may not be for everyone...but I had to do it...was being pulled into that dance from somewhere........Not to say the tears did not flow...but a feeling I can't explain came over me. Wish your husband a Happy Anniversary...kiss his picture...he'll be there....the love never dies. Thinking of you....Carol

Letting Go... ...Too soon did I make that mistake. One of Bill's customers wanted to buy his truck..for which I had no use, and knowing he would take excellent care of Bill's "pride and joy"...{other than me)..I sold it to him. Little did I realize at the time how much that truck, sitting in the garage next to mine, gave me comfort. Perhaps a false sense that he would be coming back??? Now the hole where the truck sat looms as big as the hole in my heart. I have all his clothes still in the closets.....personal items still in his drawers and his shoes at the door. I feel guilty the truck is gone....will not be parting with anything else in the near future...only been less than 4 months and I need to see those things...A lesson learned...don't act in haste. Your heart will know when it's time. And Mary...your post about the hose....yes...the smallest of chores..like filling the bird feeder...zaps me of energy...perhaps because I have to use all the energy I can muster just to get outside. My new mantra now is...WWBD...{What Would Bill Do?}...as in WWJD (What Would Jesus Do?}...the bird feeder actually fell apart when I screwed the top on too tight...bird seed flew everywhere. No matter how I tried, could not keep the feeder from coming apart so I took all the parts and threw them in the trash can. About half an hour later thought about the feeder and how Bill always took on the job of filling that very feeder. Knew at that moment I would not part with it and thought...WWBD? Went to the trash can...tipped it over to reach inside..collected all the parts...went downstairs...got the hammer...and somehow...got it all back together...filled it and hung back in it's place.Where that energy came from I don't know...but it felt good. I knew that is what Bill would have done...He could fix anything....If only he was here to fix my broken heart. Sorry I got off track again but that seems to be the norm right now...emotions and thoughts all over the place...like being caught in a giant wind tunnel...not wanting to let go ..hanging on for dear life......a rough road we travel....Carol

Mary...I also was ambushed today...felt so smug cause I felt so good yesterday...posting and trying to give support to others here...then...wham... the crying won't stop. Just out of the blue started seeing Bill in all the horrible situations he endured and I just crumbled....trying now to get those pictures out of my head....Why this happens????..don't know..but it hurts so much. And yes...I can say I know how you feel.......Sending a hug and will include you in my prayers tonight. Carol

Dwayne..at 3 1/2 months since Bill passed and his pictures bring me much comfort...like your DVD..although don't feel I would be strong enough to actually watch a moving picture of him... you are brave...His pictures are plastered all over my computer and they get lots of kisses. Wishing you strength as we journey down this road we did not want to take. 33 years together is such a blessing...although going through this...its never enough is it? After 54 years. I don't know how to live alone...but guess I will have to learn ...and I will. One thing that fasinates me about this site is realizing that it's not just the widow that suffers...the husbands suffer the same with the loss of a wife. Guess its just not shared as much with men as with women. Have wondered how Bill would have taken it had things been reversed. His suffering would not have been less as our love for each other was strong... to ba able to share your pain as you have...it's a good thing...but Bill would not be one to go online to seek help or comfort...How do they ever get through it??? I remember when my Mom died...Dad had an awful time expressing his grief aloud to anyone..even though we knew he was in pain...Bless you for having the courage to share...it's got to help. Sorry I got off track...I tend to think too much.....Carol

OMG...you have had your share...can't imagine what you must be feeling right now. You unknowingly helped me so much with the "song".... I wish there was some way I could help you now. Our lives take such wierd turns..how can we help but say 'why me' after everything else we have had to endure. At times like this one wants to "pay it forward" but distance in this case makes it impossible...all I can offer you is a prayer to get you through this....little comfort...but best I can do. "He" sure works in strange ways!!!! Bad enough these things happen...and we are left alone to deal with them ..one hurt on top of another....strange ways indeed. Thinking of you and hope for the best. As a P.S. the lottery ticket I bought was not a winner...sorry.....will try again....Carol

Dave....Just got through two 1st's ...his b\day and our anniversary...did it hurt??? yes...did I cry..??? Oh yes!!!...but thanks to Kayc...the words to the song she directed me to kept playing in my head...over and over...and gave me the feeling that no matter how it ended...I would never have changed my life with Bill. "Our lives are better left to chance...I could have missed the pain..but I'd have had to miss the dance". The "dance" you shared with Mike...you life together...was just meant to be...My prayer for you during this painful time is that in the days to come you will realize your happy you did not "run away" but stayed to enjoy the beautiful thing you had together. It was meant to be....cherished and remembered...and how lucky you were to have had that dance...something a whole lot of people never get no matter how hard they try. Promise yourself you will remember that...it will still hurt...I know!!!...but I'd never want Bill to think I ever had regrets about a minute shared with him...and I'd do it all again. I bet you would too. Take care this week and be easy on yourself...God Bless...Carol

Thank you so much for your words of understanding Mary and Lainey....I did get through the day...and the dance..then sobbed into my pillow all night. Emotions going crazy but feeling better this morning. Counting my blessings...and you all are among them. I know this has been repeated here many many times, but to share with others who are going through this ....God must have guided me here because I don't feel so wierd and apart from everyone else around me when I read these posts. Your hearts feel the same as mine, broken but with that spark of hope we will see them again. Do you ever wonder what it will really be like??? I think too much about it sometimes. Will it be like in the movies, when you run into each others arms??? or just a meeting of spirits connecting in some odd way??? Not ashamed of telling you how I think about these things because I'll bet we all do it at some time...not something I would talk about to just anyone.... but to those of us who have this longing to be reunited...it does not sound crazy...to me anyway. Well, better get on with my day....girlfriend, who has a husband going through a lot of bad health stuff right now, wants to do coffee...so we will try to solve all the worlds problems with all the answers and try to forget ours...for which there are no answers...just hope and faith......She lost her son in a horrific accident and is confident she will see him again...she also gives me hope. At only three months...sounds like I have a long road to travel...hope my faith holds out. Love and thanks for being here.....Carol

Thank you Mary....I danced...if anyone had seen they would have called the funny farm to come get me...but it felt so good...I closed the blinds ..held out my arms...and I danced....in my heart I know he was there....a kind of peace just came over me for the moment...I know this sounds crazy...and now the tears start....but it was almost like having him back for that moment...if only it was that easy....just eased the grief for a little while....heart still aches with loneliness....the price for love they say....Carol