just one more hug

For some strange reason I woke up this morning with a light heart...perhaps because I have been thinking how grateful I am for all the years Bill and I had together...luckier than a lot of people...seems we really never get enough time with the ones we love. I try to convey to others to cherish every moment cause you just never know....Kissed his picture and wished him a happy anniversary..have not danced yet...but I will...I truly believe he can hear me and in spirit, will dance with me. Sounds silly but the only way I will make it through today...and his words I heard so many times through the years, Don't hurry..Don't worry... That was my Bill...I'm trying!!!!....Peace and love to all of you experiencing another 1st....Carol

The day I have been dreading is coming around tomorrow..June 23rd... 1st anniversary without my Bill. We had no exotic plans and I would be happy just going to Walmart....or the gas station..or no where at all..as long as he was with me. I'll just kiss his picture like I do every morning...wish him happy anniversary...play our song and maybe even dance and pretend he is holding me...we loved to dance...and I know he will be right here with me......tears are sure to fall...been holding them back all day...but I will survive yet another 1st...he'd want me to. I miss him soooo much these last three plus months....seems like forever and then seems like only yesterday...I feel like I am living someone else's life....and want my own back....but.......

Kay...so sorry about you mishaps..hope you are better today. I know how you feel about not having George there to sooth you. I have put off having eye surgery cause can't imagine going through anything like that knowing Bill would not be there when I woke up..Guess I'll need to pray for more strength...Take care

Melina.....Bravo!!! Your husband must have been very proud of you..and I bet he danced with you...unseen...but holding you close.

I too made it through another weekend...It was my birthday and my son came over early am and stained the deck for me. Was on Bill's to do list but he never got to finish that list. Took all day in the hot sun to get it done...but wonderful for me...actually got to fix a meal for someone again...felt good....Daughter in law had to work so I had him all to myself...I adore my daughter in law but to have my son home for the day was comforting since could not share as usual with Bill. Daughters came over and we all shared memories of past birthdays when Bill was with us. Even through some tears, it was a good day. Next day...fathers day...kids came home and we sent bright blue balloons skyward with our love notes. Thanks to this site for the suggestion...would not have thought to do it otherwise...so you see..just by sharing your actions how you impacted our dreaded Fathers Day without Bill??? We never know how we can touch another life without even knowing it...so thank you!! Sunday evening...alone again..tried to be truly thankful for the good the weekend brought but caught myself sucking my thumb in the midst of a pity party for me...anniversary coming up on Thursday...55th...and the tears flowed...and I prayed for strength to get me through this week...and Thursday....so far so good...God was listening...and even thouigh I can't touch him...I feel Bill's arms around me....If I die befor you do...I'll go to heaven and wait for you...those words give me comfort and so looking forward to that moment.... So that was my weekend. I hope you all had some bright moment in yours.

NATS.......AMEN

Thanks for that kayc....now I don' feel so much like somthing is wrong with me. I tried...once...just could not...not yet....

My three kids...all married but still kids when it comes to their Dad, are having a really rough time thinking ahead to Sunday...will suggest the balloon release...such a beautiful idea...another reason I love coming to this site every day...

It's been three months and I still have not slept in our bed....just can't bring myself to lay down there without him....also have his pillow with same case on it...sleep on it every night...and his shoes by the door where he always left them.....comforts me. Yesterday I got his lawn chair out and sat in the sun for awhile. Sitting in that chair felt like a huge hug...and I know he was right there with me...He loved that chair and the sun and it warmed my heart. Will be a big step when I can finally go to bed.

Kayc...Just remembered from one of your posts you mentioned the song "The Dance"...Garth Brooks....beautiful...really fits the bill....could have missed the pain....but I'd have had to miss the dance....I would not have changed my life with Bill....the pain was way worth the dance...Thank you for posting that...have played it a million???...times

Harry....I thank you also....it was wonderful reading..

Becky..it's me again...just read this post and did not realize it has been only 2 months for you. Almost three for me. Your experience echos mine in so many ways...from hospital to hospice (for 3 days} then home for three days til he passed. I will never forgive myself til the day I die for some of the things I insisted he try to make his life easier. During his last hospital stay he got infected with C Diff and brought it home with him. He just got sicker and sicker til we took him into emergency and by then they told us it was too late. In a matter of weeks his enire colon was eaten away by this horrible hospital borne infection....and over use of antibotics...which left the colon with no defense. I did lay with Bill and cuddle during his last days at home...he knew how much I loved him and that I would have traded places with him in a second. I know he has forgiven me for my insistance at trying to help him...that's just the man he was..I just need to find a way to forgive myself. When I can't sleep at night all I see are pictures in my mind of him in ICU and his last days at home...fighting all the way to stay and I just ask myself over and over...what if this and what if that??? Guilt can kill you....and I am working hard to forgive myself...that is what Bill would want...he loved me and would never blame me...and I know when my time comes he will be waiting for me with open arms...til that day... I have a lot of forgiving to do...of myself...I have aleady started and its a rough road....but I see Bill at the end of it and its going to be ok. As I said in my other post to you...if our love for each other is as strong as we know it was...our husbands would kick our butts for these feelings we are having. God does not make mistakes...He forgives us too....if we need it!!! Carol

Becky...I also have come to hate weekends. The knot in my stomach starts on Friday and I can't wait for Sunday night to get here. Really can't put my finger on what it is exactly...just that something important is missing...like my other half. Maginified on weekends... like you...both worked and weekends were something to look forward to...and Friday nights were heaven. Funny how sometimes I used to dread Monday morning...now can't wait for it get here. Guess it is because I think of everyone going back to a routine and I don't dwell so much on what other "couples" are doing. Funny because I do have a couple of friends who have lost a spouse, although not as recent as my loss, and they still feel the same way about weekends. Guess it is all part of the journey. I talk to Bill and to God and ask them to help me through these lonely times and I know I will make it. I will put in a word for you too because your words echo how my heart feels and I wish I could just give you a hug. That's why I come to this site everyday...the feelings on all these issues are alike in all of us here and the positive posts give me hope and the courage to keep the faith that God does have a plan and we are all a part of it. Only about 30 more hours to go and we have have conqured another weekend!!!! Perhaps, with a little help from above, next weekend will in some way surprise us. God bless and know you are not alone...even though it feels like it....I too am right there in the same boat....but we will not sink...our husbands would kick our butts. Carol

Chris I don't post often either but come here every day just to feel connected to others who feel as I do. It is only three months since I lost Bill after 54 years. Right now it is 3am and I just suddenly woke up to that awful loneliness. Your words echo exactly what I feel...word for word...I too have married children and lots of supportive friends but coming home to this empty house...that sick feeling he is not here waiting for me...they just don't get it. I dread going any where just because walking through that door when I get back is so painful. Just to share the little things....unimportant to anyone but us....the look, the hug... the just knowing he would always be there when I returned...or how I always knew about when to expect him home....to walk through the door...to see that wonderful face once again...how to ever survive this loss is more than I can ever imagine. In just a couple of weeks our wedding anniversary will be here...how do you get through that day??? Already anxious over the thought of it. For the last five or six years we have had a pair of doves on our deck..with their nest in the tree right next to the house. They would sit together with their little heads nestled into each other..love birds...and we loved to watch them...guess they reminded us how we felt about each other. For some reason..only one bird was spotted this spring...alone..sitting on the railing. It broke my heart..like some kind of a sign...Bill was gone and our doves had parted also. Just the sight of that one dove sitting alone...never spotted with it's mate again...twisted my heart so bad I thought it would stop beating. I had taken a picture of them last year and it was still in my camera. I downloaded it...through lots of tears...printed and framed it..with the caption.."enjoy the small things...someday you may look back and realize they were the big things". Sorry...crying too much...took an hour to type this...now after 4am...did not mean to get so involved but felt good to put into words somethiong my heart was feeling at the moment. Had forgotten about the birds til I started writing about my loneliness...Thanks for listening....Carol

I will come here everyday...just to feel the understanding from all who are sharing this journey. Have cried all day long...funny how it comes and goes. Just to know that I can say anything I need to and not be judged. Tonight I feel the pain so much more than yesterday...it just happens with no warning and makes me ashamed of myself for not having the faith to know Bill is in a happy place waiting for me...when all I want is for him to be here with me now to hold me and tell me as he always did....Don't worry...Don't hurry...he said it all the time. Just a couple of weeks after Bill died I was sitting at the kitchen counter across from his empty chair and my whole body was hurting...neck. back. arms..just my entire body. I realized that I was not really breathing....but rather holding my breath for periods of time. Maybe it seemed like that helped the pain in my heart. I don't know why I was doing it. Please do not think I am crazy for what I did about it because I will do whatever it takes to get through this. I showered, dressed and drove to the mall...a small miracle in itself since I had not ventured out alone at all since Bill's death. Got a small tattoo on my inner wrist that says..just breathe...you have no idea how that has helped. Many times, day and night, I look at that tattoo and just breathe. Who knew you could have such pain that you sometimes could actually not breathe??? I found out. Bill's death was not from a car accident or cancer or a stroke but rather an infection called C Diff he got from a hospital stay. We had no idea until it was too late. His entire colon was destroyed. An untimely and unnessary death. Hard to deal with. They say God has a plan for all of us....and some day we will understand...til then I have not only the pain of having my life partner and best friend taken from me...but a lot of anger to deal with and no place to put it. After only eight weeks have gone by in this hell I can't imagine the rest of my life trying to deal with this...but I will do whatever it takes because that is what Bill would want me to do...Don't worry...don't hurry...one step at a time. I still want him to come back!!! It hurts so bad!!!!.

Beautiful...brought on my tears also. I do feel Bill is here with me and talk to him day and night..hope I am not going off the deep end..but it comforts me. Yesterday, watching tv,I pointed out to him that the Steak and Cheese was back at SubWay again..he was so upset when they took it off the menu. Sounds crazy I know but it has only been eight weeks since I lost him after 54 years and I just feel he is still so near me. Anyone else talk like that and say those silly things??? I always talk to him before I go to sleep..when I can sleep...just like we used to talk. I am still Carol and he is still Bill and that will never change. I wear my rings and have his his wedding band on a chain around my neck...always together..just in a different way. God how I mioss those hugs!!!