Stacyines

Sad, I understand your pain. I was to the point where I didn't care. My heart and chest burned horribly physically and emotionally. And in all, I wished death more than anything. I was googling ways of suicide. Because it gets to that point where, where it's like- excuse my language, "**** it, **** everything, **** everyone." But it gets better. Time is the most difficult struggle. We have our good days and our bad ones - AFTER - we've come to embrace the situation. Getting out of the dark days after the pain of death, is a fight no person should have to face. I'm here if you would like to speak personally. Take care.

She did an incredible job if the session was by phone. Did you get some closure after the reading?

I will make sure to do so. Also, Deric's story was featured on today's paper if anyone would like to read it. http://www.vagazette.com/articles/2011/10/08/news/doc4e8f78d6557cf829866915.txt

Happy Birthday Kay! Have a great day & enjoy it. You deserve it

I feel like a depressed needy person when it comes to this forum. Hah. But it's my form of venting out sincerely. The contact with my friends has been limited. They've seem to drifted away feeling awkward to the situation of grief. We all have our good days, where we feel invincible and strong, not looking back. Than those dark days where you feel rather lost and missing that person, unable to move forward or think properly. I've been in Los Angeles for the past week. Been out & about. Even got a part of a movie after auditioning. The casting director liked how I read the monologue and how I presented myself. I'm struggling with investing into headshots, but I've just been off. It's a great distraction. I thought of Deric as I read out to the casting directer. Everything seems to be going good. I have support from my family in attempting to get into film school at the New York Film Academy for film production. But, it wasn't suppose to be like this. It's been a month since I last saw Deric. The weekend of my birthday. I miss telling him everything. Our long conversations about the most random of things. Having his support for every single little thing, rooting me on. That one person who I could speak infinitely to is no longer there. Nor do I have a substitute for that person. I miss his embraces, his sweet affection. Something that burns inside as it was taken immediately from me. I'm slowly coping. Today is one of those days where I just wish to sleep all day. Hopefully tomorrow is a better day. - Also, I've kept to date with all the recent posts and reading everyone's stories. You all are truly amazing. Best wishes everybody! And if anyone would like to keep contact via facebook, I'd be more than happy to. http://www.facebook.com/stacyines

Time, time, time.

I honestly have great respect for those who have gotten so far along with grief. I arrived in Los Angeles today. But instead of being as excited, I felt like crying hysterically. And of course, I detained myself from doing so. Deric and I were suppose to be in Los Angeles in December. He was going to meet my mother and her family. And this weekend was suppose to be our planned New York getaway in Manhatten. We had booked the hotel and had arranged our trip. I'm so angry and so sad at the same time. My emotions are out of loop. How did you all specifically manage to get through this stage?

You're in the same boat as me! I had quit cold turkey and was doing great. I started smoking the day of Deric's funeral. I limit my count, but I can't stop the habit. But I believe in you! Have you tried those electric cigarettes? Maybe those might possibly work. I think I jumped back into the habit thinking, "Well death is clearly in evidable. Who cares?" I guess is just the anger part of grief. But if you decide to quit, I'll throw in the towel too. Here for support if needed I'm so glad you're going to begin working on your garden. It's very distracting. Basically artwork. Speaking of which, can't wait to see the photo of the painting mishap. Haha.

Pets are our children. I had a long hair chihuahua named Gucci. He was always my comfort and the highlight of my day. Death is unenviable unfortunately. But coping is the struggle. Have you considered adopting another pet currently or just would like time to heal first? Talking about it always helps. Venting out is the best medicine.

Truth is, everyone's right. I'm attempting to move forward little by little. And Dwayne - you're correct. This hadn't been his first thought. Bullying had been one of the root causes of Deric's suicidal thoughts prior to this. He was constantly bullied as a child in the most worst of ways imaginable. He recalled one night how a couple of kids told him to kill himself. To tell that to a child - a personality that's under development and forming. The innocent stage of our life is - simply horrible. Deric went through so much as a kid. It only became worst. Diabetes, molestation, and a coma. He was a victim of circumstances at such a young age. Of course all of that built up together later in life. And I was the only person he confessed everything to. He had told only two of his many best friends only parts of what he experienced, but not everything in total. And I told Deric what my 'demons' were as well. Not once did we judge each other or make comments. We loved each other unconditionally and used each other for support. Substance abuse or alcohol is just a temporary stimulant. It's a cloak that disguises something in our lives were unable to speak of. Suicide is a stage in life were you basically give in. It's rock bottom. You're either numb or empty unwillingly to move forward. I attempted suicide at the age of 16 and failed. I was admitted into a adolescent mental evaluation facility for two weeks after the incident. Just like many others in life, - I was a victim of circumstances throughout my childhood. I moved ahead and forward. I have depression. Years ago and now. Three days after Deric's death, I was admitted back into a mental health facility because I was suicidal. But I spoke up and voluntarily checked in. As I studied my empty surroundings in the hospital room, crying into the deeper hole I had even fallen into. Something instantly sparked. I could never cause such pain to anyone else as he's caused me. I could not give up after all the obstacles I've overcome so far. If I was still alive now and going through all this - there had to be a reason. Instead of isolating myself from the other patients, I interacted with them and got to know their stories. Met a support group and spoke with them. I discovered I wanted to be a suicide advocate not only for Deric, but for myself as well. It was in that point in my life that I realized I wanted to pursue psychology. As a child, you develop fears, anger, memories that only taint or form you in the future. & thats what I've experienced. What Deric experienced. What many people have. I want to help children. Where the center of the root starts. Where it affects us the most. At our innocence. And if I have the brains for it, I'll attempt to become a psychiatrist. Only time will tell. I want to thank everyone. Your words are my motivation for along the journey. Even your stories posted on here. It's real. It's so nice to hear from people going through grief from a similar stand point instead of another condolence message. Don't get me wrong, I know people mean good about it. But, it just adds more to the hurting which were currently in process to heal. - Much love to all.

I'm leaving out of state to get out of everything that reminds me of Deric for the time being. I try not to think much about him because it hurts and my wounds are still recent. I say things outloud hoping he would hear me, yet I truly know he won't. I'm currently not seeing a psychologist since I'll be out of town. But I feel the need to vent out here. Well, I feel extremely guilty. I went to see a good friend of mine yesterday to distract myself from being home and thinking about the usual. Well, my friend and I kissed. I didn't kiss him, nor did he. It just occurred, - of course we weren't exactly sober. But I paused anything before anything occurred. The guilt consumed me because he's only been gone for a couple of weeks. And my love for him is so strong, I felt like I betrayed Deric. I couldn't sleep the rest of the night. Not even with prescribed sleeping medication. Than again, I had been having nightmares of him shooting himself lately. Overall, I still feel guilt for his death. Even after he hid the fact he was taking bath salts. If I hadn't fought with him, he still would be here. As much as I pleaded with him not to do anything, it didn't work. Guilt makes you - your own worst enemy, honestly.

Dave, your love for Mike is beautiful. I wish you the best hon!

I can understand. It's him and it's closest thing you have to being with him. I actually sleep in my boyfriend's shirt every night. Truth is, missing the love of your life is difficult. They're the addictive drug you had with you on a daily basis. Death is an instant withdrawal, but you only urge to have it back again. I hug my boyfriend's shirt with such a tight grasp because I miss him so much. His sweet embraces, his touch, his skin, - even his snoring. & to have it taken from you is tough. - When you feel like the 'calling' is to do with them, you'll know. You're not limited to time. I wish you the best hon.

I couldn't give you much words of wisdom, but those children need you. You're the closest thing to a parent they have. When you loose somebody close to you, it leaves a painful non visible scar. I think if you all reunited and vent out to each other, it'll bring you closer together. My mother and I could barely speak to each other and would constantly bicker. My boyfriend even disliked her for her improper choice of words. But when he passed away, she was there when I needed her the most. She was my support. I wish you the best.

Good Luck! I wish you the best!

Progressing.

All the people ever tell me is to "be strong" or "don't hurt yourself, promise?". I honestly wish it were that easy. I lost the love of my life last week. He shot himself while I was on the phone with him after a fight we had. I feel guilt and hate towards myself. I have constant nightmares of the incident replaying in my head when I'm alone. He had so much going for him. A second year medical student at the age of 22? And as for me? I'm 20 & barely starting college. Only thanks to him. He mentioned constantly he wanted to marry me and have children with me when we finished our education. We had a plan. & in seconds, he was gone. We considered each other soul mates. I believe his sister and his best friend find me guilty. But I never not once made him feel like he was nothing. Even when we fought, I called him perfect. I had my insecurities and always struggled with that. And he knew that very well. He embraced them and said he would fight with my fears. He even promised to be there for me forever. I never asked him to make such a promise. I miss him. When I recalled a memory on the night of his funeral, I felt my heart aching and my chest burning. I started hyperventilating and started becoming unconscious. And you know what? I wish my mother and the emt hadn't attempted to keep me conscious. Anti-depressants can't take the pain away. Sleeping pills can't take away the nightmares of him shooting himself away. I've resorted to hating him so the pain will go away. I don't know what to do.