mik

I have been sad for so long I forget what it feels like to be happy? I took a ride today and was listening to the radio. A song came on that was one of the ones I used to think of when he was in my thoughts. A time when my thoughts of him were happy and I look faorward to seeing him once again. (he lived across the state) It was such a bright sunny day and I felt such incrediable sadness knowing he was not here with me....I felt the tears run down my face as I was driving. Will I ever feel the briefest moment of being happy again? Without him? I miss him so much that it hurts all over again when he comes into my thoughts. I think of all the times we had yet to experience and how unfair is is that he was taken away so soon. I feel despair all of the time. I thought I was moving ahead but I am not. Yes, I am coping. I could date if I wanted to but I keep everyone at arms length. Nothing will replace him, nothing will even come close. I also miss him sexually. I almost feel terrible for thinkling those thoughts but it is a part of me. I don't what to do with those feelings? I miss so much about him at times I can barely stand it. For everyone going through this as well. I understand. Will there ever be a day when I can feel some hapiness at something??? I have had a moment or two but it is tainted with the loss.....sigh...I just needed to express myself. The rest of the world has moved on. But not me. Kim

I wanted to share my experience here today. Let me start off by saying that I am sure like others I have shared this with..you will no doubt think I am crazy..or perhaps putting more into this than what it really is. But for me it is real. I have been coping with Dragon's loss...(Dragon is my significant other who has passed on) Work keeps me busy and it's only when I have sometime alone now that I truly grieve. Anyway, here in Western Pa we have been experiencing a mild winter..today it reached almost 60 degrees after a low of 13! Dragon has been on my mind more than usual and with the sunny warm day I felt sad that he wasent here to share it with me..so much so that I felt a tear trickle down my face while driving to meet a client. Well, I finished with work and when I got home thought I would spend sometime out doors in the yard since it was so nice...I began walking around and looked down..there was one dandy-lion growing up from the dead grass of winter. A tiny bright yellow dandy-lion...now the weather has been unusually warm but I looked everywhere..it was the only one. I felt Dragon near me. I feel that he was responsible for me noticing this tiny flower. I picked the small yellow dandy-lion, pressed it between some paper and noted the date and who had allowed it to appear to me. Now..I know..the logical side of me says..it was warm..it grew..but I truly felt he was beside me. He knew how down and out I would get with the winter blues..and this was a way to get me through it. I miss him so much..at times I can barely belive that he is gone..it is like it is not real. I asked him to look after me...does anyone think that our passed loved ones do look after us..like guardian angels? I want to believe that. I am lonely and down..but with this it gives me some hope..hope to once again be reunited with my love, my Dragon in the end.

I am sorry that you are going through this. its so hard to sleep when your mind just goes on and on without a break. I have found that getting up out of bed, and watching tv or having a glass of warmed milk helps me to relax. I try to refocus my mind on something other than the loved one. I know, seems like we are abandoning them instead of keeping them in our thoughts, or in denial, but it is only temporary...enough to let us get some sleep so that we can face the challange ahead. You may want to talk to your doctor as well, your doctor can give you something that helps you to sleep through this difficult period. I understand that you have small children so I would ask for something mild. I feel your pain, I was there too. It felt like a nightmare, but you will survive it. My heart goes out to you.

Hello everyone. Just a short note to let you all know that I am still here. I havent posted as of late, but have been spending time reading others accounts of losing loved ones and the skills they are using to cope. Looking back at some of my first posts, I can see a change in my perspective and also how I am feeling. I know that grief comes and goes, however I am beginning to heal. I do have to say in my crisis..for lack of a better word that it was all about me...I failed to see others grief as a tool in which I could form a bond..I don't know if anyone else has experienced this? I work with people and have counseled others and I am used to putting other individuals problems ahead of my own. I guess what I am saying is I failed to really reach out to anyone in THEIR suffereing as I was too wraped up in my own. I do feel guilty about this..but will chalk it up to my own grief clouding my ability to do this. Everyone here has been so supportive and this site has been a godsend to me. I wish to thank everyone for their input and I will continue to be here and hope that I can impart the same wisdom that you have bestowed upon me. If feels good to be calmer and a littl more like myself again. To others going through this..my prayers and wishes for peace of mind for you. Thank you all.... Kim

I am so sorry for your loss. It hurts terribly when you first go through this. I lost my partner December 6th. Sometimes it is all I can do to make it through the day. I wish there were something I could say that might help, but there is nothing. I like to think their spirit is here watching over us day by day. It helps me to cope. I don't know if that would help you to think that way. You have your children and that is a part of what you lost. You will always have that, a reminder, and a piece of that person. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Kim

Dwayne, You have been there for me when I was at my lowest, giving me a reason to go on with your posts. I don't have much to offer as the sentiments and advice from others has said it all. Just know that I too am hoping that this passes for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Hang in there...I did...as hard as it is it gets a little better every day.... Hugs, Mik (Kim)

Good words..I know Dragon would say the same..pull yourself on put on your big girl panties and deal with it! Thank you for your words. Kim (mik)

Thank you, your words are so comforting to me. I feel as though I am alone so much that it hurts byond description. I know there are others who are suffering as well and I know that they feel the same. I have never been through anything as hard as this. I hope that I grow in some way from it all.

Thank you. I felt so alone yesterday..I coulnt feel him near me or with me. I am ok today and will try and accept, no WILL accept that it will never be the same again. That is the hardest for me to deal with. I hat the word never..it is so final, yet it is the truth and I have always valued truth among anything else. Thank you. Your words are a comfort to me.

I apologize to all for my rant yesterday. I was having a very difficult time and my intention was not to worry others here. I have a better grip on things today and will progress through this very difficult time. Thank you all for the support you have given me and I do apologize for losing my mind (temporarily) Kim (Mik)

It's New Years Eve. I need him now more than ever! I miss him so much my heart is breaking in two. Everything that I have said to myself to comfort myself is not working now. I don't feel him here tonight. I need him here! We were going to live happily until we were old together. Now I am here and he is gone. I cant stop crying and feel I will never be able to stop. It is not the same with him gone. I was supposed to share all this time with him and now he has left me. How can I face another day without him to talk to, to touch, to hear, to feel his skin..see him????? How am I going to make it? I am not, I know it. I have tried to be strong but I can't anymore. I will be alone. I will never find anyone like him ever again. I just want to be put out of this misery, like a sick animal, put me to sleep. I am afraid, in pain and cant take it anymore. I need him to love me...to know that to survive the days ahead.....I am in such misery I wiash it had been me to go. Why did he have to go and not me???? I just want to be by his side again where I belong.

I am so fearful that this will be my life as well....I will watch as others have each other and I have nothing but time to be alone now. I miss him so much!

I too am afraid I will lose his memory somehow...It scares me. While I hate this grief, I don't ever want to lose what I have known of him. I don't want his memory to fade either. I keep a journal..I email him and keep it as my journal, so I will laways have my thoughts..that may help.

I want to thank everyone for their words and advice. I am not going crazy, and I can see that now. It is the grief that has me feeling like I am. As far as Cindy, I have tried to repeatedly to be there as a comfort, but she sent me yet another email where she blamed me again for being insensative and actually quoted something Dragon had told me. Well that was the end of my patience. I let her know she had no right, no was I in any way inclined to here her paraphrase Dragons words. They were from him, not her. I also let her know I was not her personal whipping post, as well as asking her how the hell she could judge someones grief? She complains she has no friends, no one in her life..I let her know there may be a correlation when she acts in such a hatred manner. As far as returning itmes that I had there and I had given Dragon, I told her to keep them, dispose of them, or whatever she wanted to do. I have no need for them. As harsh as I was with her, I still left the door open for her to contact me in the end if she needed anything, even if I were the last person on earth she would ask. She replied by blocking me, and her last words were no one could love you..not even your parents. So is life...I feel sorry for her. I only told her the truth she needed to know. Her continually guilt trip about my lack of being present in the relationship just kills me...It was her doing that kept me from Dragon and a sucessful relationship in the first place. My only regret is that we could not be there for one another in the end. But you cannot force people to do what they do not want to do. I have this loss now to deal with...sigh....I hope it gets better some time soon. Thank you everyone for your support. It has gotten me through my darkest hours.... Kim

I don't think it is weird. I only wish with all my heart that I had one to save. I am afraid like you that his memeory will leave me. I have pictures so I have to be content with that. I am constantly searching on the internet for something he posted, or of some on line group he was in that I was unaware of. To only find more...to keep him alive inside of me. Anything new for me is like he is here again. Kim

Thank you for your replies. You dont think I am crazy do you? you said it was good that I was seeing a therapist..do you think I need one judging from my strange behavior? I have no way to guage this? Cindy minimizes my grief when she emails telling me that I have no clue how bad she feels when I try to provide some comfort and support. I spoke to another friend and he said he didn't think I was crazy for emailing Dragon, but it sure feels crazy at times. I do thank you for your words. It is good to know that I am not alone in this. I feel that way at times while everyone else is celebrating and my brothers are with their wives and my mom and dad have each other..here I am alone again....then I dont want people to think I am looking for pity beacuse I am not. I don't know whats wrong with me..I never gave a dam before about what others thought but now all that seems to have changed...

The worst part of this is the bavck and forth..I expected it at the holidays..but it happens all the time now..one day I am ok the next total devestation again!? I don't know if I am coming or going. One day I can handle the grief, the next I can't. I am beginning to feel like a crazy person. Who knows when I will get my s*** straight. I am seeing a therapist...but some times I am doing well other times it is just back to where I started. I can't take it. I feel like I am in some kind of dream world waiting to wake up. I am questioning my own sanity. Please someone tell me again there will be some stabliity. I email him like is is alive. Yes I keep it as a journal but it is weird. People will think I am crazy. I just want to get it all done at once...the grief. This up and down back and forth is killing me.

Thank you. just so dammed unfair! We spent last Christmas together all of us...My first and last Christmas with him and Cindy. I want more! I just don't get it..how could a God who is supposed to be kind and merciful create a disease like bone cancer and make somone suffer through this??? I am having a hard time even praying these days. I find somone..finally..and he is taken from me in a heartbeat. I feel like a whiner and selfish but dammit..what did I do to deserve this? All my relationships have been bad. I finally find domeone who loves me for me..and he's gone now. Why? I just don't understand life at all. I just want to leave this world for good, but my parents are older and it would kill them to have me leave this world before them. Life is just one big disappointment and heartach after another..and it will continue. I try to remeber what I should be grateful for but I am angry and hurt and in pain and I want more than this out of life. It just sucks all of it.

I just wrote an entire page..hit the wrong key and lost it all. I am missing my Dragon so much tonight I can barely breath. I am afraid I will lose his memory. I can't shake this feeling of dread lonliness and depression. I have my family but it is not enough. I need him..what will I do? How will I ever get through this? I still can't believe he is gone..what will it take? There is nothing to be done. Kim

I have been realizing that I have been blocking his memory every time I begin to think of him. It causes pain and anxiety. I try to set specific times to grieve. After work, when alone, in my car, but I find myself graviting away from it due to the discomfort. I recently sought the help of a therepist. I know if I don't deal with it it will be that much worse later on down the road. It caused anxiety which I didn't expect as much as grief. Knowing I have to go to bed it is hard to do this as I need to sleep so I can go to work and be productive. I dread my first dream of him and have willed it away...I am afraid I will be so upset I won't be able to function. I am in a kind of limbo now..not grieveing and not happy..just living.I don't expect happiness..maybe never but this limb is uncomfortable as well. Has anyone ever experienced this? being so afraid to grieve that they block it away? I have put his pictures and reminders away from day one, but I am thinking of getting them back out..I read an old email of his this morning and the tears came instantly..but I had to go to work so I concentrated on other things...do you find the time to grieve? I know its here..i Have the time but it just hurts so damed bad! I miss him so much...I don't know how I will make it at times....I can't even grieve like a normal person!!! I am abnormal there is no doubt in my mind..flawed and screwed up... Kim