mik

Your post hit right to the heart Harry. Yes somone is taken away everyday, for me it was the first and only man so far that I was truly in love with. And he loved me. I waited a lifetime to hear those words. He was taken by bone cancer. A painful, devasting disease. I hear about cancer surviors. I feel jealous that they have survived while my own love lost his life to this horrid disease. It sounds selfish I know, but I wonder why could it not be him that was one of the survivors? I was angry with God for so long until I understood that I will never understand why. Does not make a lot of sense to anyone who has not experienced this first hand. I saw a strong, intelligent man, lose his strength, his mind, his spirit. He was a shell of the person he once was. It is devasting byond any words can fathom. My heart still breaks everyday at his loss. I have tried to go on. Some days it is bearable, other days it is good with the glimmer of hope that happiness may still be out there...but it changes you..I read on somones profile here...you think you have changed your life..but life has changed you. I could not have said those words better myself. It is so true. I feel as though a large part of my heart is gone. It will never be replaced no matter how much time goes by. Does it get better? No. Your right, it becomes "different"..I supposed one can say better, with the intensity of the emotion at a leavel that is manageable. But better? No never. I long to see my Dragon in the afterlife. Sometime so much that I look to my own death as freedom...freedom from the physical bonds that keep me here in this world until I can one day be reunited with him. So that I make this clear, I do not wish to end my life out of depression or desperation. I do not want to end it. I wish it would reach it final pinnacle so that I can once again be by his side. It is only then that my heart will feel whole again. Until then I will go on. Not as the same person but as one who has loved and lost, forever changed. Kimberly

Good morning~ I want to thank everyone for all your insightful thoughts and caring through this difficult time. I took what each of you has to say to heart. I will get through this. What is so difficult are those days when there seems to be little hope of anything but more grief. Taking some time and looking into the situation I find that I am just not ready for a new relationship. I tend to ward off the sadness by thinking that a new relationship will make me happy instead of doing the work one needs to do to accept the reality of today. I realize this and also that I tend to take things to the extream, instead of looking at them how they really are, thus creating a even more heartach for myself. I tend to overdramatize the situation before fully examining it. For those of you who have reminded me that it takes time...thank you. In this world of instant everything sometimes it is hard to remember that grief is a slow process and is not like clicking a computer on and off. I appreciate each and every individual response. Thank you..things will turn around eventually and I pray for the patience it takes to let them do so on their own. Kimberly

I wish I had something positive to say to everyone. Instead I have this hugh pit in my stomach that just hurts and hurts. It is again the feeling of loss. Whats worse is he is on line and I see what he posts. I should not even view it but I do. I wonder if I have become so familar with the feelings of upset and grief that I know no other feelings to connect to at this time. While I was with him I talked of Dragon quite a bit. That should have been a red flag, for him if not me. Now he has gone on with the last love of his life. He still has her and I am so jealous. What I wouldn not give to have Dragon back in my arms. I feel like I will find no one. This last man at least gave me a glimmer of hope. No one intrests me now. I have no thoughts of romance. For the brief time they came alive only to again be dashed when he went back to his old girlfriend. I have no old partner to go back to. I have no one. I am sorry, just sad, depressed and just am so tired anymore. I cant see any light to my future but heartach and pain. I wish I could curl up in a tight position and just go to sleep for good. I know I should not say this or feel this way but I just want it all to be done and over with. I have lived my life and now I just need peace. Kimberly

Thank you Kay It is so hard...I feel like I take one step forward and three back. I long for somone to be with. I thought perhaps this new relationship had a lot of potential, now I am so down I dont know what to do. But thank you for your words. Sigh..this is all I can do these days. Kim

I am here again...for those who responded that I needed to be careful on beginning a new realtionship. I am sorry I didnt take your words to heart. I sit here now in pain again. I started a realtionship..and open realtionship. It has ended. He ended it. He was not honest with me. That is not what is going on now..though I feel the loss of that relationship...the real pain is that it opened up all the feelings I had losing Dragon. It is as though this three month relationship is as painful for me as losing the true love of my life. All the feelings are the same and it is impossible. How could they be? I feel like it has opened up all the old wounds. The intensity is so great..out of porportion for the time spent and the involvment with this last individual. I can seem to get a grip on things, I am depressed, lonley, want to connect again with someone...it is as though no time has passed since Dragon passed. Is it possible to transfer feelings to a new person then after a three month relationship. It feels the same, pain as you felt when you lost the love of your life??? It does not make any sense to me. I am so down I can barely get anything done around the house..I cant eat...I cant sleep...this is such a step backwards for me and I caused it. I am so tired of crying and now have to cry all over again for this new loss..I feel afraid again, anxious...why oh why did I start again....? This is the same relationship that I intially broke off...I went back and swe started again (see previous post) Dam, I need my head examined! Mik (Kim)

It feels like a life time ago since I have lost my Dragon to cancer. Yet everyday I am still so sad and still continue to cry. I have been dating and have tried to move forward with my life but still the pain is so intense. I am also afraid that I will lose my memeory of him...even though I cry all the time still it is getting harder to remember specifics. I was grateful when I was able to pull up some old emails..(still dont' know how I manged to) I have been reading them daily..perhaps that is what is bringing thi s new onslaught of sadness and tears. I wish that I could just have one more day with him..to say all the things I wish I could have said while he was here...I miss him so...I dont know if I will ever get past this enough to live a life free of heart ach... Kimberly

I am so very sorry Dave! I don't blame you one bit for feeling this way, I would as well! I wish that I could say more to comfort you. There is a hope that they might find out who has done this awful act and get your things back. Your in my heart as you deal with yet another loss..... Kimberly

There were many complications...another women that he loved as well. Did not want to find myself even more hurt. I abruptly ended it to save myself further grief. It is not easy being the one that breaks the relationship off either. We always feel bad for the one who gets left behind..but it is just as bad to break up when you still care very deeply for someone but know it will not work in the long run...

I recently lost my longtime partner to cancer. I have posted numerous times in that topic. I recently started a relationship with another individual. I ended it for varying reasons. It was a short relationship. I feel as though my grief is out of porportion to the amount of time and extent that our relationship flourished. I find myself unable to get him out of my mind..any help with this would be greatly appreciated?

I LOVE IT!!! What a way to go! Kimberly

What a wonderful idea! It is a truly beautiful rememberance. I was not able to be with Dragon when he died. Those of you who know my story know that I was not "allowed" to be there. I received a text message of his passing. It has been very difficult to find the closure that I need so desperately. I do know that he now knows exactly what happened and why I was not there..that is my comfort that now that he has passed he knows the truth. I want some way for me as a person here on the other side of the state to memorialize him...to make his passing complete for me. Your idea and words may be just what I need to finally obtain the clousure that I need. I will never forget him...he will always be a part of me..and I too wait for the day when I can be with him forever. Sometimes I feel like he is in Philly...just waiting for me to be with him again...and then the hard truth that he is gone hits me again...sigh..... Kimberly

We are all here for you Kay. I want to thank you for sharing and you guidence. You are a Godsend, and I am sure that when you do get to heaven he will hold you in his arms forever! Kimberly

I do the same..only I email Dragon. It is as though I am talking with him. HIs email is still up and running even though he is not there to actually read it. I have kept every email and it is just like having a journal. I don't know why but it helps me cope. I know at the start of my grief I wrote every day, however it has become less and less. The pain is still as intense however the need to write is not as great. I do believe that he is around me daily..like a guardian angel. I too see signs of him everywhere..music, sights, certain situations come to mind and his words come back to me. You can never lose what they have already given to you. I miss him more than I can ever say but the knowledge that his soul is ever present gives me tremendous comfort. Kimberly

Yes. Dragon was my soulmate and I knew that deep down in my heart. I know there will never be another like him and our relationship was unique in that way. In my lifetime I was so fortunate to find somone who I truly connected with on every level. I knew it was right and never doubted it. Is there a chance for someone to again touch me in that way and I for them? I do not know. I do know there will never be another "us" and that is the way I will always keep our relationship in my heart. I do believe there may be something else out there for those of us that have been left behind. Kimberly

I am so sorry for the pain that you are experiencing. I understand. Allow yourself to cry and grieve. It is ok. We are all here for you. (Hugs) Kimberly

I am so sorry for you loss. Even though you knew at some point it was coming nothing lessens the shock and dispair of when it does happen. My heart goes out to you and your family. THis is a very special place where you can feel free to express yourself and know that others will understand the pain of your loss. Kim

As far as "lowering your standards"...keep them just where they are...and if "knowing this was coming would make it any eaiser???? Do people think first before the words come out of their mouths??? Sorry..just ignor these individuals right now..they just don't have the empathy it requires or are simply clueless to what loss really is....