mik

I am so very sorry for what you are going through. The others are right, we all have one thing in common, we have been in your place. Have you gone to the Salvation Army, any organizations in your community or churches for assistence? There are also programs for those who may become homeless due to circumstances in their lives. I am a case manager for just such an agencie. Please don't go through this alone. If others can't understand or support your decisions at this time let them go for the time being. The individual who suggested you put his photos and momentos away...I tried to do the same to lessen the intense grief. All it will do is postpone the grieving process...and I know right now you not in any mood to think of the "process"..you are just trying to survive day by day. My heart goes out to you or anyone who has lost a partner, husband, wife, or soulmate. I had no idea what to expect..I do now. I have a new appreciation for those who have lost someone dear to them as this was my first real experience losing a soulmate...there is nothing harder in this world. Know you are not alone and myself and the others here will be there for you as long as you need and want us to be. My heart is with you..and for the first time I can say I truly understand. Kimberly

I feel the same. He lived 5 hours away from me and we would spend time together. I was ready to move there but the cancer hit so fast it did not give me time and it was best to stay with my family and the support I had back here. I sometimes think that he is just waiting for us to have time together again. Beacuse I am not around his belongings, his home and people he knew it is almost as if it never happend. It has hindered my healing to have this gap...not to be faced with the day to day presence of his reminders. I only come to realize that he is truly gone when I tell myself he is dead and I will never see him again. it is harsh but it brings me back to my reality where I need to be to move on with this grief. Maybe it was meant to be as I don't know if I would still be able to cope if it were not this way. Mik

It has been six months since Dragon has passed away. Why does it feel like it was only yesterday? In some ways I cannot believe that six months has gone by...where did it go? I could not tell you if I tried. It has been filled with grief, dispare, longing and finally an acceptence that he is no longer here. I miss him some days more than others...some days it is just as though he has died..the pain is so intense..other days it is only briefly that he enteres my thoughts. Most of the time I am sad, a few moments of happiness always overshadowed by the fact that he is gone. Any new accomplishments..he is not there to share them...I hear music and he is inside me. I know that as time goes on the intensity of the grief will lessen but it makes me so sad...so sad to not have him near me. The only solace I find these days is in the days to come, knowing that we will one day be together again in what ever afterlife there is for us. I miss you Dragon. I love you, this six months have been the most painful of my life...yet the joy you brought into it can not comapare to any I have known. Your Kimberly

I have not been on much but want to thank you for your wise advice. I know in my heart it is too soon to be involved with another. I am sorry for what happened to you and will learn from your mistakes. Thanks again for your words of wisdom. Kim

I feel bad even posting with so many dealing with much more serious issues than mine, but I could really use some advice. I am going to meet somone for the first time since Dragon has passed away. I actully am feeling a twinge of excitement, coupled with anxiety, guilt and fear. I have already suffered from two migrains this week beacuse of it. I feel guilty even though Dragon had told me to continue to live life without him. I worry that I will really like this man and am afraid of that. I don't want to betray his memory. The other individual is aware that I lost my partner less than 5 months ago. That too makes me feel guilty...how long is the right time before actually going out? What if I develop feeling for this other individual? Part of me wants to stay isolated away from others that might become important to me for fear of losing them in the same way. I don't know what to do to cope with these feelings that are overwhelming me right now. I don't want to lose the memory of Dragon and the life we had even if it wasent perfect.

Grief seems to be even more overwhelming when the world is waking from the winter darkness and cold. One can only hope for brighter days that may never come and the longing to be once again reunited with those we have lost. Despair enevlopes me as the world turns to rebirth. I feel cheated and lost. Perhaps things will change someday....

As Easter comes I just need to be able to say how much I miss my Dragon. He always loved the holidays and made such a big deal out of them..the food, being together. Maybe he did not have that so much growing up so he made sure he had those around him whom he loved. I miss him every single day. Some days it is much harder than others. I wish so much that he was here with us..enjoying yet another Easter holiday. It hurts so much to think of him being gone. I just wanted to post here and let him know how much he is missed. There will never be another Dragon. I miss him so..... Kimberly

Greetings, Has anyone here re-read their posts from the time they came aboard and joined the this site up until the present time? I have to say that it was heart wrenching for me to do so, but at the same time enlightening. I have followed through on the advice that many of you kind members have provided. Seeking therapy, talking out my loss, grieving, forgiving and understanding. So many good people with similar stories to share. I have to say I sounded like a maniac ranting and not making any sense with all the drama that was surrounding me, still those of you who could see that pain helped me get through it. I see the days of dispare and days I did not think I would make it to another day turn around to go on. If you havent had an opportunity, go back and read your own posts. While it is painful it is a way to see how far you have come and to know that life does indeed go on. Kim

Hi I am responding to your post. I read your first post to better understand your post today. My heart goes out to you. You are a very beautiful young women with so much in front of her. I am so sorry for the tradgey that has rocked your world. I do understand about being anti-social as well. I am almost afraid to meet other people beacuse they too might leave my life too soon. I was also promised that he would never leave me and that didn't happen either so I can also understand. It sounds like you have a lot going on..all great things, but maybe so much that you don't have time to think and feel bad. I think sometimes its eaiser to get involved and run so much that we also run away from our thoughts of that person and the pain we are in. It still finds a way of catching up with us however. Just a thought. You stated that you no longer had his love and undertanding and encouragement. I too thought that until someone here gave me the understanding that we STILL have it...it was given to us and when we remeber it it becomes real again. You can never lose what he has already given you. I don't know if that thought helps or not..I just wanted to share it with you. Be good to yourself, you do deserve it. Kim

I truly think those we loved with such passion and deep emotion come back to us and show us that they are nearby. I was once afraid of the thought of a spirit presence..I now find comfort in it. You are in my thoughts and my heart as well....take care, Kim

The weather has turned from cold to spring overnight here in western Pa. The flowers are blooming early everywhere. I can barely look at them without remembering Dragon's love of the garden, the plants and what he used to say was the best pleasure of all.."digging in the dirt" I miss him so...I can see his home in my mind, the grass that he loved to cut..acres and acres of it. I wondered why he tired himself out so. I see now that it was peace for him to be on that riding mower with the wind and the smell of the fresh cut grass. I remember being angry at him one day when we were set to go on a trip up north. It was so hot that day but he insisted on weeding the garden. I reluctantly helped him complaining of the heat and the task..what I would not give now to spend just a moment by his side doing that today. I imagine his home where the plants and flowers that he lovingly planted coming up down from the earth..His excitement as well as mine in seeing the beauty springing forward after the winter cold. I will never have those moments again. He and my father taught me a real appreiciation for plants and flowers. I now enjoy growing my own...as I had done with Dragon. I miss him so much. My heart aches for the sound of his voice. I wonder if I will ever see spring again with the rush of excitement I once did..looking forward to being on the back of his bike..the wind, the blue sky...they all have lost there sparkle now...I loved him more than anything, and always will. Kimberly

Harry, A beautiful story of your lives together...sad, sweet and full of what life is made of. It hit a nerve within myself. You are in my prayers and your sadness is felt by myself and many other out there. KImberly

I am so happy for you Dave.

I can feel you pain. I was so afraid that I would dream of Dragon that before bed I would "will myself" not to dream, redirect my thoughts, turn the tv up loud, ect. Not that any of that helped. I have been very fortunate, I have had only two dreams since his passing. I think the issue with this is that our dreams can be so realistic. It is as if that person is there once again. Mine we happy times of us being on the bike. Then you wake up and the stark reality of losing that person hits you right in the face. It is overwhelming and so real that is like the time you first realized that he was gone. It is though all the work you have doner to recover has been erased. The only thing that brought me any comfort was that during the dream, I was happy, was with him once again. In your dream your were anxious beacuse he was gone and had no word from him. The fact that no one was listening brought some of your reality back into that dream as well. I am understanding of how you feel. Some people believe that when you dream of someone who has passed that they are nearby..others, Catholics for example believe that thier souls are in pergatoury and need you prayers to move forward to their place in heaven. Other still believe that your unresolved isses resurface during that period. In any instance it is painful to relive this and then wake up to have reality hit you again. Just hold on to your thoughts of him Mary. Know that he is close to you in whatever way he chooses to show you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. Kim

My heart goes out to you. It is the hardest to deal with especially at night when we are alone. You are in my thoughts and I am praying for your peace.

At least someone asks you. Everyone seems to have forgotten..... Kim

Today is my birthday. He is gone. He always made a point to make it special for me. No one else really cares. My brothers stop for a minute to drop off a card for me but don't spend any time with me. My parents ask me what I want? My Dragon back. I bought my own cake. I hope this is the last one I have to endure. Yes I am feeling sorry for myself, but I don't care any more. It took me a lifetime to find Dragon and now he is gone. Whats the point. I will spend my time alone.

Happy Birthday! Kimberly

...How happy is the blameless vestal's lot the world forgetting by the world forgot Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind each prayer accepted... each thought resigned.... Alexander Pope