mik

For those suffering anxiety attacks- I have struggled with anxiety/depression most of my life. I do take a medication that seems to have stableized my depression/anxiety. The medication has a lot of restrictions, and some serious side effects, however it was a medication that worked for me. I started taking it when I was 20 years old and have only had to increase the dosage one time thus far. I am currently 55 years old. Mine is bio-chemical and not brought on by life events but can be intensified by them. There are ways to control the panic and anxiety. Please, talk to a therapist about techniques that can help to calm you and make it possible to control your anxiety.( I did and it changed my life.) Simply being on medication with out therapy is is like doing a project half of the way. Medication seems to work much better in conjunction with therapy. I hope those who are suffering from anxiety find hope and peace, by knowing that there is help available, and that our loved ones that have passed are always near and watch over us. .

I find some mornings difficult, but mostly my grief comes in the evening. During the day I stay busy and try not to think, but when evening approaches I remember preparing dinner for the both of us and then relaxing downstairs or watching tv shows or movies. I still cannot watch his favorite television shows, movies or hear some songs. I end of crying and feeling miserable missing LC all over again. My faith and love of God protects me from any demons that would try and infiltrate my faith and life.

I find some mornings difficult, but mostly my grief comes in the evening. During the day I stay busy and try not to think, but when evening approaches I remember preparing dinner for the both of us and then relaxing downstairs or watching tv shows or movies. I still cannot watch his favorite television shows, movies or hear some songs. I end of crying and feeling miserable missing LC all over again.

AB3, please dont be so hard on yourself. We all think of ways we could have been better, did better, been there for, ect. I don't think anyone is absoulutly sure that the person they love will leave us when they do. We all do our best, give our best and try to be there for those we love in every way we can. If it were possible to be there with them every single moment I am sure we would have all done it. I am sure he knows what you had to do and why. I know it dosent do a lot of good to say "don't feel guilty" when you do. I know that when I begin to feel that way I ask myself "what purpose does it serve?" Sometimes answering my own questions helps me cope. I pray that you will find peace.

I am so sorry your feeling that way. This is the first New Year's I have had to deal with LC's passing. I hope that as next years holidays and the New Year approach that it will be just a bit better than the first. I do understand how you see this...I think the memories are clearer and the distance from our loved ones is shorter. LC passed away in July. I am most grief stricken now as I was the day he died. I wish that the holidays had never come, and hope that I never have to experience this sadness and loneiness again. I pray to God that he will ease my pain and grief in the coming months and years so that I can function and begin to remember all the wonderful times we shared. Right now I cannot even bear to be around his pictures, his belongings, almost anything that reminds me of him and causes me so much anguish. I understand though how you feel. The closer in time you are the more real he remains. I lost someone just as much as I loved LC to cancer before meeting LC. The time does blur some memories, however it also eases the pain so that you can also see some of the beautiful moments you shared with them. Perhaps that will happen to you also. What I do know is losing someone who is so precious to us is one of the most difficult experiences to go through. What I wouldn't give to have LC and Dragon back with me again. My only solace is that I know that they are now at peace, content, and watching over me everyday.

I have been feeling this way for the past several days AB3. It seems I was unprepared for the intensity of the memories that occured this first Christmas without him. I too am finding it hard to know what I am to do now, as all my time in the past was caring for and being with LC until he passed away. I don't know if you feel like me, but it seems like such a big expanse of emptiness that I don't know what to do with? Like you, what is my purpose now in life?

Thank you all. I have been feeling empty and hopeless tonight, more than I have felt since LC had first passed. Your words and experiences are a comfort to me.

LC and I lived together. He gave me a "black diamond", not your typical "engagement ring" I will always wear it. I also wear his ashes in a heart shaped necklace to remind me (like I would forget!) that he is always beside me. I will never take them off, regardless of what happens in my future.

For everyone who has had to go through your own loss, I wish you all peace and comfort, as hard as it is to come by. Today was so hard. I cried a few times, and hid the tears I made an announcement at the gathering of family and friends today. Before anyone opened their gifts...I stood in front of everyone and requested a moment of silence in honor of LC's memory. If anyone was "uncomfortable" by that announcement, they did not express it. I reminded family members that this was something we would ALL experience. My thoughts on this- I have every right to grieve and expect the support of my family. Sometimes it is eaiser to just say what ya need, and do what you have to do!

Darrel, your story reminds me of my own. LC was in a nursing home, and everyday I prayed that he would get better. LC was only 58 years old. The outlook was not good, but I refused to give up. Doctors had told his step daughter and I in December of last year that we needed to make a decision about keeping LC alive. At that time I refused to let him go, as did his step daughter Allison. He had been a coma-like state since November of 2015. On December 25...yes, Christmas day, he had opened his eyes for Allison and tried to talk! We were both so happy!!! We had not yet learned of the extent of recovery that would need to take place and..if possible even? We were just so happy that he was awake. I was convinced that he would get well. He spent many days in one hospital, then another, then another...Doctors could not find a reason why after back surgery he was so ill? He would lay in bed, no movement, eyes closed. For a time he began to open his eyes. He made no communication, he just stared, he looked like he was a shell of a person. He was being fed by tube. I began to believe I made the wrong decision when maybe we needed to let him go when doctors asked in December. He could not speak, could not move, could not talk, could not eat. He would look at me with sad eyes. He had told me once before he never wanted to live like this (before he got sick)Decembers decision to keep him going had only seemed to have him suffer longer.In July of this year I was on my way to visit him at the nursing home. I got a call, telling me that he had had three heart attacks. Both Allison and I rushed to the hospital. There was very little brain function, LC was being kept alive by a ventalator. We had to make this decison again. For me too it was by far the worst, yet deepest experience of my life. As they disconnected the life support Allison said goodbye. I just held LC's hand and hugged him very tight. I cried like I have never cried before. And I let him go. I had to, he deserved that much from me. I love this man, I will always love him and I look forward to the time that I can once again hold his hand and look into his eyes. In fact I can hardly wait!

This is my first Christmas without LC too. He was alive last year even though he was in the coma like state I still had him here on earth and I was beside him. It is so hard remembering the times we spent together during the holidays. I see my family and extended members. We all get together Christmas eve. Then everyone heads home with their wife or husband or significant other...and here I am, I head home alone. Made even more lonely by the fact that Its Christmas, and everyone is celebrating, All seem so happy and all I can do is miss LC with all my heart. And then next week will be New Years eve...wow, how much can a person take? I hope you have somehow found comfort today. Please dont take this wrong but knowing that I am not the only one suffering somehow makes it a little more bearable. I am sorry for your loss.

October 31, 2015...Who knew it would be the very last time LC would be at his home, the home that he loved on Windsor Court in Cranberry. After his back surgery, LC was recovering at the second of several nursing homes that he would be a patient at. He was able to have a "pass" at this time, and wanted to go home. I picked LC up and we drove to his home on Windsor. I was so excited for him! I had decorated the house and was ready for trick or treat that evening. I had hoped that he would feel up to passing out treats like he had done the year before. Unfortunately LC was not feeling as well as he would have hoped. He was feeling dizzy and lightheaded. We called the ambulance to transport him to Passavant hospital. It would be the final time that LC would be home. On the anniversay of this day, I sigh with a heavy heart. I miss him more than any words can convey. I wish with all my heart that you are at peace . I love you, and will light a candle in your memory. Your "Pumpkin" for always.....

It was a hard day today. The past few days have been harder than usual. I met LC around this time almost four years ago. This season is so hard to deal with. Last year at this time he was in a personal care home. Halloween was coming up and I had decorated the house. I was looking forward to the time he would be home with me, it it was a disappointment that he was still in the personal care home and would be even though it was already October. I wondered why he wasent getting better....I sat outside at my parents house where I am living. The sun was getting ready to set and I had this hugh amount of grief sweep over me. I could not keep from crying there by myself. I miss him so much. I almost wish that I could be where he is now and started to pray for the day that I too would die. I then thought of my elderly parents, they would die too. I will be completly alone. Am I the only one who thinks about dying to be with their loved one? Part of me thinks that I am crazy thinking this, the other part of me thinks that is what I am doing now..just waiting to die. Yes, I continue through each day, but I miss him so much! I miss our lives togeather, I miss the house, I miss when we would talk, when we would just watch tv togeather...This sadness is sometimes so overwhelming I dont know what to do. I think to myself...will I ever be happy on this earth again? Or will it be through death and joining him will I only be happy again. I am just so sad he is gone. His death was in July, but he was gone long before. In his coma like state for 8 months. during the last 3 I think he was able to recognize me. His life in the personal care home was horrible, but I wish I could still go and see him. Hold his hand. Its horrible of me to think this beacuse I know he was not happy and only a mere shell of himself....I miss him!!! why did he have to leave me here? He promised me he would not leave me but he did. Now my family is talking about Christmas and exchanging names for gifts for the holidays. I wish the holidays would never come again.

Hello Marie Lee and welcome. I am so sorry for your sudden loss. This is a wonderful group of caring compassionate individuals who share and support those who have also lost loved ones. I am not always on here, but will try and make more of an effort. I lost Les, known as LC on July 23, of this year. He had back surgery in September, it should have gone smoothly but did not. He died of complications from this surgery, while being in numerous hospitals and personal care homes. I know I cannot say anything that would ease the pain you are feeling other than the fact that we are here for support and sharing our feelings with others. I hope in some small way it helps to cope with your loss. Kim (mik)

It was one year ago today, September 27, 2015 that LC entered the hospital to have his final surgery for his back. No one could know that the following year would be spent in Passavant Hospital, Cranberry, transferred to Presby in Pittsburgh, than transferred to Montifore. LC spent time trying to recover in five nursing homes, one of which provided him with "ensure liquid" only, leaving him with a vitamin B defincency which caused brain damage, another in which he fell from his bed and had to be transferred to Forbes hospital in Monroeville, where he almost died. He was then transferred as far away as Mckeesport, before finally arriving to his final nursing home in Greensburg. LC passed away in Westmoreland Hospital, Greensburg, on Saturday, July 23, 2016. Both his step daughter and myself were there and could not prevent the damage that occured while under the care of doctors and medical staff. I hired an attorney to sue due to the lack of appriopriate care. The lawyer was set to go...until LC died. He then dropped the case and in a nut shell stated that the money he had hoped to sue for would not be worth the trouble due to his death and would only be viable if he needed care in a nursing home. Both myself and his step daughter still do not understand what happened. It has been a year through hell. People tell me there is nothing to be done. Or his suffering has ended. All that I know is that every day I miss this man. I wait for the day that I too will pass.

I am so sorry for your loss, no matter how it happened. Addiction is a disease. He passed away due to this disease. His choices were influenced by it. Again, I am so sorry.

The last time I posted here was on October 19, 2015. My post was titled " Afraid of Repeat" Even though I had my fears, I would not think that it was possible to lose not one, but two men who I have loved in one lifetime. My fiance' Les, passed away on July 23, 2016. Les, who introduced me to himself as "LC" was such a special person. Intelligent and caring...he loved me and I loved him. It would have been our four year anniversary in October. I lived with LC after the second year I met him. The last months of his life he was in a personal care facility. For those who have not read my previous entry, LC had surgery on his back. It was a second surgery, and he was to have been recovered enough to return home in approximately two weeks. That never happened. He was sent to a nursing home facility when his recovery took much longer than expected. He was not eating, had something called "thrush" where he was unable to swallow. I begged the doctors to feed him introvenously however they did not act quickly enough and he lapsed into a coma like state with in 2 months time. He was transferred to every hospital in Pittsburgh,from Presby to Montefiore. Doctors could not tell me what was wrong. Finally, they determined that he suffered brain damage from lack of vitiamin b. This occured when he did not get the proper care at the nursing home facility. The last time I spoke to LC was before Thanksgiving, he was at the personal care home. My father had had a stroke, and he told me to be with my dad. Shortly afterward he lapsed into the coma state. I visited LC every chance I could get, often staying near the hospital to be with him. As time went on he opened his eyes, he seemed to be aware that I was there as well as his step daughter. His recovery was slow, there were backslides and some small steps of progress. He would try to talk through a device that they could insert in his trach. I was never sure if he knew me or his step daughter but we visited so much that I am sure he knew us to see us. On July 21st 2016 I received a call from the nurse at the nursing facility. She stated that LC had suffered three heart attacks and was taken to the hospital. I was with LC the evening he died. I was there with his step daughter and her husband..and me. The doctors explained to us that he was in dire condition and we needed to make a decision..to let him go or keep him on life support. His step daughter had the final say but we agreed together that was the only thing we could do. I held on to LC as he took his final breath...it was one of the worst moments of my life...to have to let him go...but I prayed that he would be in heaven and at peace. I am now going through the grief process. I only allow myself to think of it for small periods of time. It took me this long to be able to sit down and post this. This is all that I am able to do at the moment. I will post more later...To lose two people you love...in one lifetime..two partners...who would think? Kim (mik)

Kristene There is nothing that I can say or anyone can say that eases the pain of losing that person. It does seem that when we are alone and after it gets quite that the pain does intensify I can only say that we have all felt our own grief and that you are not alone. As horrible as you feel its hard to imagine any future where you might feel any other way...But the pain does lessen. It almost sounds impossible to believe, As I grieved it was almost as though my mind and body were being healed in some way by the very expression of my tears and my loss. I cannot speak for anyone else but feeling my feelings of despair and sorrow ( as scary and endless as I believed they may be)..were what brought me to the place where I was finally able to feel some peace. This may not make sense to anyone else but me. My prayers are with you. This is a wonderful group and I hope it can help you as much as it has helped me.

I am not sure where to post this...but I am having a very difficult time. I have found someone who is very close to me. Not in the same way that Dragon had been but in a new and different way. We have lived together for the past year and a half. He was hospitalized and had back surgery. What should have been a week to ten day stay has turned into a month long nightmare. I am fearful...I am afraid that the same thing is going to happen that happened to Dragon before he died...Dragon lost his ability to recognize people and had hallucinations. This is happening to my partner now. Worse than Dragons death was the part that he knew me but didn't know me. I am scared to death that the same thing is happening with Les (my partner now) Even though the doctors say that he is not in danger at this point he is not progressing at all in his recovery.Sometimes does not know who I am. He has a tremendous amount of stress as we may both lose the home as well due to financial problems. Its a long story but I am so afraid he will die or that he will not get his mind back. I am the only one in his life other than my parents who are too old to help out other than to support me. I also fear they will become ill as well. I sought professional help when these fears became more and more pronounced. I feel as though I have already lost Les. I need to be able to talk to him about everything going on and I can't because of these hullicanations and breaks from reality. A tredemendous fear grips me when I go to see him at the hospital. I don't know if anyone has lived with this much dread or fear. Mik

Hello kayc You are so right, no matter how much time passes they will always be a part of us. Forever. So nice to see everyone again, I have missed everyone.

I agree, you are not a bad person for thinking those kind of thoughts. When Dragon died I kept thinking why could it not be someone else? I also became angry when I saw commercials about cancer and those who survived at area hospitals with treatment...why did they make it and not Dragon? I still become upset when I hear everyday that they are getting closer to a cure for cancer...its just too late for him. I realize that I am feel jealous of those who survived cancer. But after a moment, I realize that I would not want anyone to suffer. I just wish that he could have been one of those individuals. You may feel that way as well.

Thank you Kacy! I can't tell you how it feels to find someone who feels as I do. I am truly grateful to you for sharing your experience. It's so hard to see the beauty of springtime and remember those we have lost..both human and fuzzy. I suspect that I link my feelings of Lillypuss to my previous loss two years prior, and I am still grieving for him as well. I have moved forward and sometimes it's easy to think that all is in the past...until the feelings hit you again. Scary and unexpected, but in the future, I will prepare for them and know that it is indeed "normal". I am so sorry for your loss as well. I hope that we both can one day find joy in the memories of those we loved and cherished.

Thank you Marty. I did read and I saved the link you provided. I seem to think that once I have grieved, that it is over. I still have to learn the art of accepting that it will be a part of my life from the moment it occurred until my own demise. I always seem to worry that my feelings are abnormal, because I may or may not feel the way others do. I had not realized before, how infected I am with the notion of "normal." I tend to think there is always something wrong with me. It is reassuring to know that I am not losing my mind and that all of this is a normal process....there it is again...oh hell, even if it is not the norm, it is how I am feeling, and I know in my heart that I will continue to work through this. Thanks for listening...and giving me a great resource once again! Kim

Hello again All...I seem to come back to this site again and again. I have had an experience I wish to share and it is my hope that others too may have felt similar reactions over the loss of a pet and will share their feeling with me and how they coped. I lost my cat Lillypuss in November of this past year. I thought that I had grieved her loss..I had viewed her pictures, cried, mourned for days following her passing. She was the child I never had, never have I bonded to a pet in this way. (I did have Lilly when I lost Dragon, my partner and she was a great source of comfort) I thought I had gotten to the point where I accepted it and moved forward. Fast forward to January...I moved from my parent's home to a new place not far from where I live now. I recently came back home for four days to stay with my parents to help out. Its March, and finally spring is here...Monday..a beautiful day, I am outside on the front porch enjoying the sunshine...I look at the apple tree in the yard and remembered how Lilly loved to sit up in the branches of the tree. Every bit of grief that I experienced came back in full force. It was as though her death happened yesterday! I sat there crying and my Dad asked me what was wrong? I told him and he said I should have been over it by now. Now I don't blame my dad for what he said, that's just him,, but I did begin to question why the grief was so strong? I am sure my memory of her sparked the feeling..but it went on for two days...I just would cry at the thought of her. I could not go outdoors on the porch or in the yard without crying like some silly fool who just can't seem to get over this. I have no desire for a new pet..even though I can have one. I only want Lilly...It's rediculouse for a 52 year old women to say that I want my cat back..and cry about it. Logic says that I cannot, she has passed on, but I feel like a spoiled kid expressing what I wish for. I am wondering..has anyone else felt this type of reoccurring grief...as though you were experiencing the loss for the first time? Mik (Kim)