mik

I have been in several different groups here, loss of significant other, loss of a pet, and now I am once again grieving yet another loss. The loss of my father. (I may have posted about this loss in another group shortly after it happened, Im not sure.) My dad was diagnosed on my birthday in February with a rare form of cancer. He had not been well for some time. He passed away a week later. I thought I handled it better than I thought I would. I have been caring for my mom since that time. I live here with her now. I felt ok until Thanksgiving. The holiday was terrible for me and mom even though we were surrounded by my two brothers and their family. I could see mom's sadness, which just made mine worse. Now I am faced with Christmas. I dread it. I even went as far as posting on facebook that mom and I wanted to go away for the holidays. My cousins, aunts and uncles offered us places to go, but unfortunately my mom is having cataract surgery at the same time, four days before Christmas and won't be able to go. Then I realized that this is not really about her loss as much as it is mine, and how I want to run away from this grief. I am beginning to see that there is no place to "run" to escape my grief and Christmas. I can't stand thinking of the holidays without my dad and seeing the sadness in my mom. I have become depressed (I already suffer from anxiety and depression) Every show and Christmas commercial that I see makes it worse. I don't know why this is happening now. I made it through Easter and all summer long ok...but I am having a really hard time now? I feel guilt, loss, depression and anxiety. Is this normal, 10 months later?

I hear your pain. Every day is challenging. Anxiety attacks can keep you stuck. With all that said, there is still a beacon shinning...you are here, a plethora of love and memories that define who you are. Memories and a life that you share with others daily. Just reading your words gives the rest of us hope, even though veiled in pain, that great love still exists and never leaves us no matter what challenges we face. Your husband left an indelible print on your soul and in your heart. I think how lucky you are to still be a part of that. I know right now it dosent feel that way and that you feel anything but lucky, but then I imagine those who have never had an opportunity to be with someone who they love this much. Have you sought help for your panic? I suffered and still suffer from panic attacks, but with the help of a therapist I have learned to control them. I am wishing you peace...from anxiety and from grief. Hang in there. We are all grateful you are here!

I hope that you are able to get through this. I am sorry this happened to you. Are you able to talk to a good friend or counselor? It is just horrible that there are people out there that take advantage of us when what we need most is kindness and understanding. Don't blame yourself for this. Monsters lurk in all places. My prayers are with you.

Wish that I could do something to take away your pain. Perhaps there is another person or group close to you that would be able to help you more. I don't see why you must see both of them other than the reason she gave you. Can your doctor give you anything for your pain? I was just wondering if there are any other options? Hang in there. Hugs

I had that very thought today. Could not wait until daylight savings time. My dad could not wait, loved that it stayed light longer. I looked out back at the planters we have for all the flowers my dad and I plant each spring. Don't even want to think about it now that he is not here to do it with me. Who is going to show me the best ones to choose? Who will help m e plant each one? I look at the plant he trimmed a month ago.. he won't see it bloom this spring. Who will I sit with on the back porch and talk to about every thing and anything? Who will I ask for advice from? And my mom...his wife, how will she ever make it through this? I know this is all so fresh and time will help, but honestly it' hurts so much I wonder if I will ever want to do these things again? I want my dad. I feel like a rotten four year old child who wants to stamp their feet and demand he return. I am angry, sad, depressed and in denial all rolled up in a 57 year old women.

Thank you for your responses. This is so hard! I take comfort that this group and the individuals who have also lost so much are here for me. It brings me comfort where no comfort can be found...thank you!

You must be going through a lot of pain right now. I can understand losing two individuals that you have loved in one lifetime. I too believed that losing one would help me prepare for what to expect when losing another. In my case, they were both very different. I now have lost my father. The funeral was last week. Again, I believed that the grief I feel would be similar. Surprise! Very different! It' almost as though each death is a different experience. I wonder, can the human spirit within us take that much grief? The only thing I know to do is right now take one day at a time. For me that is so hard! Right now I sleep most of the day and am up all night. I don't want to do anything either. It is wonderful that you have your grandchildren to give you hugs. You also have your children and I know, nothing can replace the love between spouses, or with me the love between a father and daughter. After reading your post, I am beginning to think that every love is unique and maybe our mourning is unique to that individual as well, even though we have experienced grief before. Take care and know others are thinking of you.

My father passed away last week. I am living at home with my mom. I'm surrounded by my father' s things. He built the home they lived in, all his clothes are in the closet. Everything is just as it has been except he is not here. When Dragon and LC died I was not surrounded by their belongings. Dragon insisted that I return home before he passed on and LC died in the hospital and I had a already moved back with my parents. I boxed all of his items and have just recently have taken them out of storage. But now, since I live at home with my mother I am surrounded by my dad' s items and it makes it so difficult to manage day to day without breaking down and crying. My mother on the other hand says she is comforted by my dad's things. She feels close to him. We both live in the same house. I cannot ask her to box up dad's things. I am wondering, perhaps by being surrounded by his things, it may be a better way to grieve for the loss of my dad? Since I tried to put Dragon and LC's death "in a box" so to speak, I wasn't confronted daily by items that reminded me of them. Does any one think that being around constant reminders of my Dad will help me to "grieve in a more healthy manner" than boxing up items that I see that cause me pain and grief? It' difficult when two people grieve in such different ways but live together in the same house. If anyone has any thoughts on this I would appreciate any feedback you might provide.

I agree. My loneiness feels as there is no end in sight.

Thank you for your kind words. My father passed and we are preparing for his funeral on Tuesday. I am heartsick.

Thank you. I am feeling incredibly lonely. It dosent make sense. I am here with my mom, and was surrounded by people yesterday. I like being alone, but not now. I know your right, I should know grief exceptionally well. I know this will take time. It' different from losing a partner however. I have had my dad in my life 57 years. Yes, I am lonely without him here.

Thank you, I thought that I was prepared, however I am not. I am so worried for my mom and don't know how I can take the place of my dad for her. (I know I can' t ) but I don't want to lose her too. I find anxiey and sadness are all I can feel at this time. I see everyone drinking as a way to cope, not getting drunk, but drinking socially as they have in the past. I am doing the same, as it does help...and I don't drink. I have so many worries and so much grief. I wonder if I will lose my mind at times..this too scares me to death. I have to be here. I can'tafford that luxury. ..sigh

I lost my father to cancer this morning. My heart is broken, even though I know his pain has ceased. Now how do I and my mom cope with our pain? My brothers a at a loss as well. I have never seen them cry.

Thank you.

My dad is sick. It is only a matter of time before he is gone. I have posted in other forums here, loss of a partner, ect. I am now facing the loss of my father. I don't know what to do? Of course there is nothing that I can do. I have just learned of just how bad off he is, on my birthday of all days. My dad is 84 years old. I knew the day would come when he would not be here. I thought I was somewhat prepared for this. I have been living at home for the most part taking care of my mom and dad, so their medical issues are no surprise. Apparently they are. I am afraid, in shock, in denial, and so sad that it's hard to get through the day. I realize I learned just how bad things are on Friday, but thought I would be stronger than I feel right now. Especially after losing the two men in my life that I loved with everything that I have. Thought that this would make me stronger. It hasent. We (the family) dosent know how long it will be till dad is' gone. The doctor said his cancer is "agressive". Membes of my extended family have been here to spend time with my dad. All I can do is to spend time upstairs in my apartment and try to focus on anything other than whats going on. I dont know what I will do without him? What is my poor mother going to do? They have been married almost 60 years. I am 57, an adult, but have centered the last 20 years around both of them. Is there anyone out there who knows what this is like? Sigh...

Hi Tony, I understand your feelings. I went to a support grour for a while but they focused a lot on the bible and passages that they hoped would ease the members pain. After attending six sessions I found the group was not for me. I feel that if you are still too uncomfortable to view pictures, the group leader should take that as it is. If you feel you are dreading your next group meeting then perhaps that' not a good fit for you. It has taken me a year and a half to look at LC's picture and to listen and enjoy music again. You are not alone in the way you feel if that brings any comfort.

I have found a friend that I am close to and spend a lot of time with. It dosent ease my grief however. He feels more for me than I do for him, but accepts me for who I am. I dont think, after losing 2 men who I was deeply in love with that I will ever find that connection again. I have resigned myself to that and go throuh the days looking forward to once again being with the two who made my life complete. Perhaps after these losses the heart won't allow me to love again to that degree.

Hello Maynard, I am so sorry for your loss. It was last July that I lost my fiance LC. I can understand your feelings of lonliness. Its so difficult when the two of you spent time alone and now there is only you. I think you are doing the right thing by reaching out to others at this time. It becomes easy to isolate yourself from others who don't understand what you are going through. Know that you are not alone. This group is wonderful. It is a godsend. I am happy that you are here even though the circumstances that brought you here are sad. Take care and we all care about you.

Please stay Darrel. Please?

I understand. I too always believed that LC would get better. In fact I would not even let it enter my mind that he would die and leave me alone. I could only reconcil his death by beleiving that it was his time to him to go, and that God had called him home. I still get angry at times when I think about all the plans we made for the future, and how he promised me that he would never leave me. His passing was beyond my control, and nothing I can do will bring him back. I believe that he is where he is supposed to be. I know and feel that he is with me, as is Dragon. Their spirit watches over me daily and I know that I will be reunited with both of them the moment my heart stops beating.

"life and death does not change us, WE change through life and death."

I still believe that we continue to love the person who has passed, so there is still a point to life. Even if that person is not physically here on earth with us. Death cannot kill love. It sustains us through all of our hardships including death. It just dosent disappear. Proof of that is the grief and longing will feel forever once our soulmate is gone. Love can be given to more than one individual, that is what brings us joy in our lives. Others who love us also prove that point. Even though I have lost both Dragon and LC, I am grateful to experience such a deep level of love. I consider myself very lucky to have loved them both and to have had the experience of them also loving me. I have pain, hardship, longing, and grief now that they are gone from this world, but I would never change what I feel now for the most precious gift that they have ever given to me...their love, and my love for them. I would not give that up for anything!

I still believe that we continue to love the person who has passed, so there is still a point to life. Even if that person is not physically here on earth with us. Death cannot kill love. It sustains us through all of our hardships including death. It just dosent disappear. Proof of that is the grief and longing will feel forever once our soulmate is gone. Love can be given to more than one individual, that is what brings us joy in our lives. Others who love us also prove that point.