Miss Ngu

Hi Ron B. - Thank you for your post. Please know, your regret at your "earlier bad behavior" two years ago, is what reminds me to be careful with how I handle situations and how I say things -- as I know I am not behaving at my most "normal" and "best" currently, and don't wish to have too many apologies to make to those I may offend. Thanks for this lesson. I do seem to need some support regarding changes in the family dynamics. It is so difficult to write about, because the changes are almost like a "nuance" -- like I can't really be specific with the details, as the family relationships and personalities are so complex and subtle. I have always wanted to be able to be close with my sister (who is 10 years older than myself). Our relationship has gotten better through the years (with my mother's help), and even though I love and adore her (because she is my older sister, and I always have), wanting her to (really) love me is something I guess I must also grieve -- cause I don't think I will experience that in this lifetime. We are just too different. I am not able to have a "heart-to-heart" talk with her, as that has always proved to have a more painful outcome, and whatever is shared is then used against me. So...I am not gonna try that again. My mother kept everyone "in the loop" -- and now that she is gone -- no more "loop". But -- you never know. Maybe one day I will post that we have become real friends?! My poor brother was so tormented in this life, and abused drugs until his liver gave up 4 years ago (when he was 53 years old). I used to be scared to think of how my brother would do once our parents were gone. Well...I didn't have to find that one out. I hope his tortured soul is at peace. So, I feel for you regarding your brother, and hope you don't have to deal with him when he can't remain calm. Both my grandmother and mother cried-out during the last days of their lives for their mothers. It was as if they were seeing and speaking to their mothers right there in the room. I wonder if I will do this myself when my time comes? I did have a near-death-experience during a head-on colision car accident (in 1985), and all I can say is that going towards the light was the most peaceful, calm, quiet and beautiful experience I have ever had. So -- I am hoping not to be afraid to leave this planet when my time comes. Coming here to express my grief, and to read how others' are doing definately gives me that place to vent, and to understand -- and feel understood -- and I am so Thankful. Today...an aquaintance stopped me in the store and asked how my father was doing. I figured she knew my mother had died, so I said, "he is managing". Then the aquaintance asked, "How is your mother?". Oh -- I thought, she doesn't know. So, I told her she passed-away in May. The aquaintance was shocked and saddened by my response, and was very sweet with her comfort to me. I cried and cried on the way home. It just seems surreal to tell someone that my mother has passed-away (same for my brother). I like the thought that this grief will "broaden my humanity" -- but, boy does it hurt to be broadened (says my "lump of clay" self).

Now...people think I'm really getting wierd...and maybe I am. "Enjoying" this life has certainly come with many hard lessons. And now, with the passing of my mother (and brother - 4 years ago), and throughout my niece's recurring breast cancer for the past 5 years, the lessons seem to be getting sharper and deeper -- and not exactly pleasant. My niece is still young, and needs to keep fighting to stay alive for her young family. Growing old is a Blessing -- to get that far, but, the eventual decline doesn't look particularly attractive to me. So, since I have no children, (but I do, Thankfully, have a wonderful husband and 3 cats that I love), striving to live a long life doesn't seem as appealing to me as it once did. Yes...I am happy in my own way -- as happy as I can be right now in my grief. The line from the movie, The Shawshank Redemption: "Get busy living -- or getting busy dying", has so many variables and possible outcomes. Why work so hard on living when it all ends anyway? And, suicide is not really a karmic option, in my opinion. Staying alive and touching other peoples lives (even in ways we don't realize), must be part of our life's process. Learning life's lesson of love, and the "do unto others..." is what it is all about to me. Guess I am just asking myself questions that I never really asked of myself -- and they are confusing and a maybe a bit odd to people that I try to talk to about it. Mostly, my mother (my very best friend), is no longer here to listen to my thoughts and help "set things straight" for me. Maybe my thoughts go against American standards? I wonder if people in different cultures and countries, who have different beliefs about dying, sanctify and rejoice for the ones dying, who will be "going to a better place" -- or "being reunited with their loved ones" --or simply being out of pain, or whatever their belief, have any of the same grief as we do. They are also survivors, and must miss their deceased loved ones being here on the planet. Also...while I'm writing...(and, thanks for reading!!)...I had a very odd dream. This was the first dream I have had with my mother in it. It was SO good to see her and be with her, but, in the dream, we were sitting on a sofa, and we were crying together (with someone unknown, behind a desk, seated in front of us). But -- my mother and I were crying because, in the dream, my father just died. (In reality, my 80-year-old father -- my mothers surviving spouse -- is still, Thankfully, alive, but, I am having a rough time with him -- as I've previously written -- as he goes through his own grief and changes.) But, that was the dream. It was very odd to dream of the wrong deceased parent. I also want to write to Ron B. (if you read this) that your posts have been extremely helpful to me -- Thank you! And to Marty T -- I could never Thank you enough for all the good insight you give, and for your care and comfort. Feels good to write this out. Thanks!

When I want to "phone a friend" now, I come to this website. My friends really talk mostly about themselves, and, even if given the chance to talk about my life (which does include grieving), it doesn't seem that my friends are interested in "going there" (and, really, what do they think is on my mind??). The ones that haven't gone through this yet, of course, don't really understand, and the ones that have, don't want to revisit that time, it seems. And, "good news" is all most people are really ready to hear -- not the truth. So -- again, I am SO Thankful to be able to read what others write, and to be able to actually share some of what I'm going through here with you to get some comfort and support. The holidays -- ugh -- I'm not into it. I need to start writing out my cards today. I'm just sticking with the "to do" list, and, even if I am my numb-like-self (how I'm feeling these days), I will have at least done what I need to do. If I stop accomplishing things, then, I will feel doubly bad. It amazes me, daily, just how much my mother helped me in my life -- in all ways. Please don't get me wrong, I loved and adored my mother, and made sure she knew it -- and -- I thought I knew how much her love and support meant to me. But now, with her gone, and with the holidays coming-up, and so much going on -- I realize just how close we were -- it was a closeness deeper than I could comprehend. Still...it seems that I am still waking-up each morning, so -- I have to keep going. Keeping my mother as close to me as ever (in my heart), helps to keep me going. I also have her picture in lots of places around the house -- and in my purse. I talk to her, and feel like she is still helping me. Thank you creedu2007 (I hope you are quickly on the mend from your cold), Susan Y, and Aquarius7 for your posts. I know I'm not as alone as I feel, and it really helps!

Thank you for your posts. It is comforting to know that you are there, and managing (somehow) through this truly uncomfortable time as I am. I feel like I could just jump out of my skin -- and wish I could -- most of the time. My life is so emotionally different without my Mother on the planet. There is nowhere to run or hide away from this very deep pain. My Mother really helped me to keep my life together. She knew just what to say and do to keep things right. I know I have to keep going, and am amazed constantly that I can make it through each day -- but -- I do. My (good) behavior towards others really takes a lot of concsious energy. Still, my question of whether it is an act or authentic behavior -- it is mostly the "act". I don't want to isolate myself and make enemies everywhere I go. My insides are so churned-up, that no one could deal with my upset -- I can hardly deal with it. Anyway...Thanksgiving is over and my family managed through it. There are still good memories being made even through our grief. Glad that we could talk (a bit) about my mother -- just -- not too long without the threat of getting us all too upset. It's like I am perpetually giving myself a "pep" talk to get through each moment. Eh -- it's mostly all like a bad foggy dream.

Hi Credu2007 - Yes...You and your children sure have been through a lot of changes and grief this year. I truly give you lots of credit for being such a good parent -- it is to be admired, and, ultimately, will again leave you with no regrets. You sound like such a good Mother, daughter, and Grandaughter and I am happy to see that you describe yourself as being "proud" of what you have gotten through since your Mother's passing. Posting seems to help organize and release some of these difficult emotions, and also helps to see how/if we are coping at all. I must work at keeping my inner voice from being so critical - of everything. It's like a minute-to-minute mental adjustment to remember that I must not sink too deeply into my depression. I now realize more than ever that most people are going through hardships of their own. I am also glad that you still have your grandma -- this must be so difficult for her as well. Also happy to see that your children bring you comfort. We will be going to my sister and brother-in-law's house, as we always do, for Thanksgiving. I must remember to be Thankful and not bitter and angry -- somehow. I am at such a loss as to how to move through these uneasy and extremely sad feelings -- but need to be where I am at -- without making my life worse by behaving too poorly. This has proved to be very challenging. I have watched the show "Hoarders" recently, and it seems like life-changing events can really wreak havoc on our behaviors in ways that are totally unlike our "normal" behavior. Living in this new "normal" is such an unknown -- and I just hate that -- it scares me. Trying to stay in the moment, and not pre-dread Christmas and then the New Year's celebrations. Thank you again for posting. It truly helps to know I am not alone.

Hi- thank you so much for posting. I am sad that we share some of the same circumstances, but am Thankful for your response. We both also have the similarity in our commitment to having been there for our mothers until the end -- and for this -- I have no regrets. Yes, the holidays are proving to be very reactivating for me. My great-niece is making the stuffing for Thanksgiving dinner, and I was just thinking -- can I eat some without crying? My 14 year old niece would understand, but, yes, we have to be strong for children. AND -- even though I have no children - I wish I asked my Mother more about her grief when her mother (my Grandmother) died. But...my mother was probably being strong for me, and I didn't want to bring up such a sad subject (as she was just as close with her mother, and missed her terribly - she did tell me that). Such wonderful women -- and I come from them. Still...I could never imagine the extent of that pain -- until now. Can't know this until it happens. I cannot imagine going through this, and having children to take care of as well. Takes a lot of patience -- of which I currently really don't have much of. I wish you comfort and strength.

Well...it's me again...with more to say... It seems that even though my mother was 78 years old and in very poor health, that I was unable to see that so many changes would occur after she died. I thought I was more "prepared". Now...it seems like I second-guess myself much more often, and realize that there are many more possibilities than I can imagine. So -- I learned I can never fully be prepared. I am so Blessed that my mother lived as long as she did. I always said to myself that, given my mother's poor health all of her life, she might not make it to 50. Well...I was right...but about the wrong person. My dear mother surpassed my fears and lived many years past 50 -- but, she died 5 months before MY 50th birthday. I know not to expect a reply from anyone, and maybe I should post in the Bereavement Group(?), but I still am Thankful to be able to get these thoughts out, as I am in so much pain.

Thank you for your question regarding smiling. My dear mother died 6 months ago. My story is a bit different in that her body was held in the morgue for about a week before her burial. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but our faith does not include embalming(this detail may be important to remember in our circumstances). So...on the day of her burial, her body was frozen. As my husband and I were viewing her for the last time and saying our goodbyes, my mother's mouth kind of popped-open a bit and formed a smile. My father was standing there with us, and my husband said what he saw. I didn't want to upset my father any further, so I made light of what had happened. In reality, for me and my husband, it was such a gift to see. We KNOW what we saw together, and my mother was the force behind our marriage. I guess her body adjusting to the warmer temperatures could explain the obvious popping-open and smiling of her sweet mouth. Because embalming is not done, I have always had a secret fear of being buried alive, and, honestly, her smiling really freaked me out a bit. Again, I am sorry to be so blunt. I must keep my thoughts positive and have Faith -- and remember the Blessing of seeing her smile. Wishing you comfort and strength.

Finally got the nerve to post. Thank you all for your sharing (as I was "lurking" for the past few months). You all helped me very much. My dear mother died on May 12th, 2011. We became best friends during our lives together. I miss her SO much, and know that we will always be together. The support I am seeking has to do with interpersonal changes and changes in "family dynamics". My sister is becoming more cold and distant to me, more than ever. Our brother died three years ago, and we are now each others only sibling. She is 10 years older than me, and I know that she does not wish to become a mother figure. I know better than to look for that in her. My father is struggling now that his wife of 60 years is gone, and always needing something to do. He is also repeating himself an awful lot, now that my mother is no longer here to "poke him in the ribs" to shut up! He asked me yesterday when he should take his wedding ring off and where to find companionship. I told him (not-so jokingly) to wait until I'm dead. But, to support him, I told him to dance at the Elk's club, and remove the ring when he felt ready. This was a very difficult conversation for me. My friends also are a bit distant, but I don't think I'm great company right now anyway. I no longer feel like I know who I am. I am 50, and going through my mid-life changes as well. I have a very supportive husband and loving kitty cats, but being "bigger than myself" and focusing minute-by-minute to keep my life somewhat joyful and positive doesn't really feel authentic. Maybe one day it will. Somehow, I must grieve my true sadness and keep remembering that everything feels new - and it will be ok - and I need to make that a good thing. Hoping that someone will have some insight to share with me. Thank you.