Miss Ngu

Happy Birthday, Marty... Good health and happiness to you -- on your birthday -- and everyday. Wishing you the tenderness and understanding that you give to us. With great appreciation for your much-needed help!

Hi Marty -- Thank you, as always, for your care and encouragement -- and information. I loved reading "Mother Loss: When Will the Crying Stop?" along with the ten pages of comments -- and some of the other links you suggested in the "comments". My husband is not much of a book reader -- but, I will show him what I can. I have really been trying to keep my "kindness" at the forefront. It's the only way to go through life without aggravating situations, or having people want to keep at a distance. Feeling less secure and sad certainly isn't a great place to be. I know it is a drag to be around negativity too often, and I don't want to be that for someone else. I also need to "pull it together", as the "stigma" is exacerbating my problems -- but keep my grieving process going on as well. I do have a question -- kind of personal. I thought to write you an email -- but thought others' might be curious as well. So here goes... Do you know of any articles or info on going through the "change of life" and the death of a mother? Having hormonal changes during grief makes emotional peaks and dips even more confusing and scary - for me and those around me. Please let me know if you have more info on this. I have limited my "available time" to the (few) friends I do talk to, when they want to go on and on about their lives. I don't have the space or energy for it -- and I also, quite frankly, feel that I have let the conversations become too one-sided and unfair. Takes up a lot of my time -- and it is not reciprocated. I must have boundaries -- or I will have resentments. Now -- to make these changes in a "nice/kind" way, instead of fighting for myself too strongly (like gathering up the anger to get strength and confidence out of it). I can make these changes with more tenderness -- or, at least I hope I can -- and be "ok" with the new outcome. I am looking forward to reading more on the "Death of a Parent" page on your Grief Healing website. Marty, you are a wealth of information. Thank you, as always, for keeping this such a safe place to grieve -- and to re-learn how to live.

After writing my last post, I felt much better. Relieved to put into words what I am feeling. There is no doubt that my life is changing dramatically without my mother here on the planet. No one could prepare for this level of change. I am accepting that. Feeling the way I feel is normal. I also realize that remembering my mother's love and strength can nourish me still. I am lucky and Blessed to have experienced such a true and deep love and friendship with her!! That can never be taken away, or unknown to my soul. I will carry on with her in my heart.

I will try to express how I feel...maybe someone can relate... When I discuss my upset, grief, sadness with pretty much any person I know, their sympathy is starting to change. It's kind of like they are looking at me like something is wrong with me. I no longer feel like I can, or should, even try to speak with anyone (husband and father included) about how life really is for me, and what I might be going through. I'm getting the "crazy" stigma. Isn't this great?? I am feeling more and more guarded, and, really, now, trusting no one. I may be more emotional, it's true, but I am still managing to keep up with life and my commitments, with an ok attitude. Very frightened to think that I could be hospitalized by my husband if he feels that I am coming "unglued". That is really scary. I have always said that suicide is not an option for me (too afraid of what it might do karmically to my soul). So, other than suicide (not an option), why be so worried for me? Let me come "unglued" -- and let it be ok. Give me that space. Then, you will truly know me and what I am going through. Oh no -- it makes others' feel too frightened. So... Keeping my emotions much more to myself, and plastering a small grin on my face. My mother is the only person who really knew me, I guess -- and, mostly, loved me unconditionally. That is gone...

Hi Susan - Loved reading about your dream. I can almost feel how wonderful it was. Thank you for sharing this.

Just got home from the Veterinarian. She confirmed that even though my cat was spayed, she is, indeed, in heat, and needs to be re-spayed (free-of-charge). So...I am hopeful that after getting her hormones under control, and after a better introduction to my current cats, that we might be able to live all together harmoniously. I am unhappy that this cat has to go through another surgery, but am trying to take it one step at a time. It makes me more upset when my husband or father tell me they are worried for me because I am so upset. I am Thankful that they care for me, but, the upset passes after a while, and I go on. This is what I mean by creating a "stigma" for myself by engaging with people when I am upset. I miss my mother -- my best friend!!!

Hi AnnieO, and thank you for your response and support. Please accept my condolences for the loss of both of your parents. It must have been so difficult to lose them both -- and less than a year apart! You are right -- I don't need more stress right now. Thank you for the advice. Still...the cat is my responsibility (even if she ends up at the cat lady's house permanently), so it seems I must deal with this for now. My cat lady friend will go with me and the cat to the Veterinarian appointment today. The cat wasn't fed this morning (and I let the doctors office know) -- so -- if another operation is needed, and they can fit her in, she is ready. I am sad that my stress and upset pour out of me, even in my writing. Guess that's just the way it is for right now. I have found that "showing" too much upset in this world creates "stigmas" -- and it helps give people reason to "stay away". I have a lot of friends, but they are not much help these days. I am learning more than I want to about human behavior during my grief. It's an eye-opener -- and not a pleasant one. I'm trying my best -- but I can only do so much right now -- and I need to be ok with that (and I guess I'm not). I am very Thankful for your support and understanding. Please know that it means a lot to me that you wrote.

Cat update... My "cat lady" friend told me that it appears that the cat (still at her house) is behaving like she is in heat. I got her spayed in September (and she, unfortunately, was pregnant at the time [very upsetting, for sure] -- even though the Veterinarian said she thought she was still too young to be experiencing her first heat). Anyway...I will pick her up and take her to the doctor today. Online, it shows that she may still have some ovarian tissue left after the spaying. More stress for me -- and the poor cat. One of my "goals" in life is to decrease my excessive worry. Challenging, for sure. I apologize that I am writing about my cat troubles, but I know that everything I'm feeling right now is colored by my grief for my mother. I try to tell people (like the doctor) that my mother passed away recently, to give them a kind of "warning" of my mental state. After my brother died, I was told in Hospice grief counseling to do this. It's tough to say to someone, as I don't necessarily want their condolences -- just a bit more understanding of why I might be emotional or confusing. I must keep up with, and meet, life's challenges big and small -- even though I feel inadequate without my mother's help. Thank you, Marty, for your support. Your care and comfort are deeply appreciated. I see that others do read my posts (as the "views" number increases in my topics), but, I can't say I'm not a bit sad and disappointed to receive such little response. Still -- I hope you are "out there" and lending me your support in your heart and prayers. I need it. Thank you.

Hi Marty and thank you for your reply. Your comforting words mean so much to me. I feel cared for, and it feels good. Thank you. The articles are helpful, and I will keep learning what I can online. There is also a show on Animal Planet called "My Cat From Hell" with a cat behavior specialist. He really helps people with their cat problems -- it's a good, informative show. When I watch the show, I feel that I can do the work needed to re-introduce the cats. But, he is not here to help, and online help is also not "here" -- but, mostly, I don't know if I have the strength to do this. I guess I could try again, but I dread the added stress -- and the possibility of it not working out, and having to take her back to the cat lady's house to live, and dealing with this loss again (and every loss it triggers). But, if I don't try -- will I regret it? I am so tired, and crave peace -- but, the cat is really sweet, and I would like to think she could fit in here. My husband doesn't want me to be stressed, as I will be doing most of the "cat work", so, he doesn't want to push me -- and I don't want to let him down. I feel like a failure not matter what I choose. I guess my problem is now going into "human behavior specialist (Therapist)" -- as well huh?! Anyway...I appreciate you and this website/forum very much.

It is coming up on nine months since my mother died. After she passed in May I felt "numb" through October (which included my 50th birthday - my 1st birthday without my mother). Then...in November, I had to "wake-up" for a far away trip to visit my in-laws with my husband. Then...Thanksgiving and the holidays and new year came. I felt so stressed with the trip and the holidays. Throughout all of this time, my husband found a kitten and started feeding it outside. They bonded. Ok... We come back from our in-law visit in November and bring the outside cat (about 9 months old now) inside. So, she had been in the house for about three months. Unfortunately, our house became a war-zone with the cats we already had. No peace, high stress pretty much constantly (peeing, chasing, spraying...). After taking her to the veterinarian, who asked if I was stressed -- and I start crying and telling her of my grief -- and now -- cat upset, we needed a break, so I took the new cat to a "cat lady" friend (where the cat currently still is). I have learned, through this website, that during grief, any "loss" can trigger other feelings of loss. So, I am confused, and my mother isn't here to help me through my upset and confusion. I am sad that the cat is gone, but I don't want to let my husband down. He feels he has let the cat down (by us not being able to keep her), so I thought we could try to re-introduce the cats with a screen door and go through the whole process. But I don't know if I have the strength to do this right now, and I can't find an animal behavior specialist near me to help. So I am writing...and crying...and overwhelmed...and feeling like a failure if I don't try again. I tried talking to my Dad about this situation, but he just views me an emotional mess, I fear. So...I have to minimize my real feelings. Eh -- he is grieving for his wife. I love him, and know that he can't fill-in for my mother. It seems that my diversions are not joyous -- just more stressful. So I know this is not good. I feel like I haven't had time to grieve my mother. I have tried reaching out to friends and family and realize that there is nowhere to go with my pain. So I came here to write.

Feeling the need to write. Nothing really new will be written by me that hasn't been shared before on this website. I read posts - old and new - and realize that writing really is helpful. So...here I go again. Writing under the same topic, because the topic still applies, and, I don't have to write a synopsis of "my story" each time. I am sad and lonely. Feeling disconnected and "slapped" by reality. Mourning my mother is one thing (and this is difficult enough), but the changes that are taking place in the life I now need to live feel overwhelming to me. It is noticeable, to even my husband and father, that my friends are mostly nowhere to be found. And when they do sparsely interact, they end up talking about themselves. A friend called yesterday wanting to get together. I asked her how her holidays went, how her children and husband were doing...then...I waited. Will she ask how I am?? NOPE! This type of thing has been obvious since my mother died. Redefining friendship is not what I thought I'd be going through during my grief. Okay -- so, I'm not supposed to have any expectations. Better to just accept people as they are, right? Yes...I suppose I am somewhat at fault. But, I must say, I am amazed that I can have so many "friends" -- and yet, be so on my own here. My dad still only talks about himself. I have to tell him what is happening in my life mostly in one or two sentences, and never expect a follow-up question. I experience this with most people I know -- yet -- others' will go on-and-on about themselves to me. Eh -- I guess I should be happy that I am a person that people can talk to. Hey -- there's a positive spin. But -- not good enough for the pain that I am feeling. I, personally, prefer conversations to be somewhat balanced. I must focus on me and keeping my Faith strong. Been reading "Letting Go of the Person You Used to Be" by Lama Surya Das as suggested by (I'm sorry, I don't remember who...but, Thank you!) on this website. And am going to read "Death of a Parent: Transition to new adult identity" by Debra Umberson (with my thanks, again, to the member of this website for the recommendation). I just love that I can get these books from the library. I want to be okay with how things are, instead of how I want them to be. Still...I mostly feel like a little, lost girl who just wants her mommy back. (Breathe...and keep going forward...) My heartfelt appreciation to Marty. and all the members in all of the HOV forums. You all have helped me so much.

Hi Aneres1 - thanks for posting. I am glad that you found this site. I have also found it extremely helpful. My brother died almost four years ago (age 53) and my mother died in May 2011 (age 78). I cannot possibly understand what you must be going through regarding your missing brother, and the unknown circumstances regarding what you may, or may not, ever know regarding what happened. I want to believe that justice will always be served -- whether in this life --or in another life -- or karmically -- or when we "meet our Maker" -- for our spirits to learn and grow. This thought helps me with my upset towards unfairness and injustice. Still, your brother is gone, and your father too, and I am sad for your pain. I am learning that no matter what anyone could have said to "prepare" me for these losses would never match the reality. I could never be "prepared" for the many changes that accompanied the death of my loved ones. I also am in new territory with my grieving father, and my (now) non-existant friends. Knowing something logically is waaaay different than living through it. I may not be one with good, helpful suggestions, but I wanted to respond to you, and let you know that people, like me, are reading what you write and relate to your hearthache on some level -- even though each of our losses have individual circumstances. Reading and writing at this site has felt like a safety-net for me, and I am Thankful. I hope it helps you as well. I wish you comfort and strength.

Hi creedu2007 - you have been through so much! I don't know the right words to console you, but, please know my heart goes out to you. I am happy to see that you have people in your life that love and support you. You are luckier than you realize in this area, as some of us don't have many people like that in our lives, and some of the ones we had seem to have changed or disappeared throughout this process. I agree, no one can really help, and what would we ask them to do for us to take this pain away anyway? It seems grieving is a painful and lonely process, as I've learned from others' responses on this website --it also is like a roller-coaster ride. This uncomfortableness is a nasty normal right now. I hope that you don't let your thoughts get too negative -- and mostly, that you are as gentle with yourself as possible during such a difficult time. Wishing you some peace and happiness.

Update...well, my dad went to see the hospice counselor today. He said he started crying the minute he pulled into the parking lot. The hospice counselor told him she thought he was managing his grief ok (able to cry when he needed to, and put on a public face when he needed to). Regarding his upcoming trip, she was able to give him a few tips for him to get through it (and enjoy it) more. One of her suggestions was for him to keep a journal of where he goes and how he is feeling (he sounded intrigued by this). Anyway...it may be the first and last time he goes to hospice counseling - but - at least he went, and knows where more help is available to him. He said he might go to the group meeting next Tuesday, or at least one more time before going on his trip. During our conversation, I was able to be honest with him, and tell him that he repeats himself a lot, and also talks about himself a lot, and that I was wondering if that was a by-product of his grief. He informed that he's "always been this way" and that my mother would help to keep him in line. So...at least there is some insight (hopefully) gleaned from the conversations that took place today.

Hi Spika -- As it is with the loss of your father, life now without my mother on this planet for the last 7 months has been very difficult and life-altering. Please accept my condolences. I hope that you can re-think your views of what you and your friend did the night your father passed. I think that our hearing (sometimes) can be one of the last senses to leave us, and I, personally, would love to be in such a peaceful setting as you and your friend created in your father's room. It sounds like what should be done when a loved one is leaving this world. Giving him assurance that you and your mother would be ok, hearing music that he knew and enjoyed, and stories about good times in his life, while being taken care of by family and loved ones, sounds like the perfect space to be in to move from this place to our next wonderful place -- peacefully and calmly. I only wish for this type of space when my time comes. You also stepped in, when your mom couldn't. To me, you did what you had to do, and did an outstanding job!

Dear Marty, thank you so much for your post. Your understanding, encouragement, comfort, and insight are why I joined this group. Knowing that the moderator (you) read every post truly helped me to know it was ok to sign-up (since I am not really a person who is that trusting of the internet). I really loved the responses you gave to people -- both what you said, and how you said it. It really looked like a safe place to get some help -- and -- it is! In your reply to me you wrote, "The gift you are giving him is priceless ~ please don't underestimate its value", brings tears to my eyes. I haven't heard such nice words (with a lesson attached) like this since my mother. You are right on so many things. Yes, how can I help my dad when I am working so hard to help myself through this most difficult time. So... I spoke with my dad today (after saying a prayer), and asked him if he would consider going to a hospice counselor (or group). I was very careful in how I brought this up to him, as he is not the type (or of the generation), that gets "help". I don't want to bring him any more sadness, and I know he grieves in his own way (he did make sure he told me that), but he does mostly try to avoid his true upset. So, I said, "With your trip coming up, it would be great for you to gain some more strength, since you will be visiting people and places that you only remember with mom. And, the time difference will make it truly difficult for you to call me at any hour". Anyway...my wonderful father said, "Give me their number, and I will call them now". Wow - I didn't expect that (and said another "Thanks" prayer). I thought he would think about it for a while. So, he has an appointment this coming Monday with a hospice counselor. I must say, I feel some relief knowing that he (hopefully) will get some more support. I pray he lets himself be honest and open with the counselor, and get through some of his grief, instead of "tap dancing" around it. If all goes well...and he actually goes...and the counselor or group is good...etc... I am looking forward to him getting some more support, and having more time and energy to take better care of myself. Thank you, Marty, for this suggestion -- and for all the help you have given. Using your words back at you... The gift you are giving is priceless. Just knowing that you, and all the posting memebers, are always here when I need you, helps me more than words can say.

Hi all -- well...New Year's was pretty different and difficult. The energy with my family is just -- different (as I realize now it should be without the "glue" of my family -- my mother). I felt my mother was "with us" but, my poor father just broke down at midnight, which made my great-nieces and nephews start to cry as well. Yes...we all teared-up. It is so hard to see my 80-year-old father deeply sob and see his grief -- but -- it is good, in a way, for the kids (ages 11-19) to see what is true. They kids adored their "Mom-Mom", and feel for my father, as we all do. I know I need to "go with it" and accept these changes, and try to feel my grief willingly, somehow, to get to more understanding and peace. I also need to be easier on myself during the process!! This pain of this grief was unforseeable -- and life-altering for sure. I am still kind of scared that I couldn't have be more prepared than I was. I have been reading the posts on the loss of a spouse (as that is the most active, and reading the posts in that group are so helpful to me as well). So much insight from the members -- good questions -- answers, sometimes, -- and, mostly, very comforting. I think, stupidly, that seeing and feeling what the members of that group have been going through with the passing of their spouses or partners, that this info could help me (when the time comes -- if my husband passes first). Still -- I really don't think that you can be prepared for the enormity of the changes. But I am truly Thankful to read all of the posts on this site. SO glad the holidays are over!!!!!!!!!!!!! I need to spend more time with my dad, as I really don't want to have any regrets that I neglected spending time with him (as I now know more of how this loss will feel). It's kind of tough hanging out with my dad, honestly. He goes on and on about himself -- and repeats his stories. He also doesn't seem too interested in hearing about me or my husband's stories -- so -- it is not truly how I'd want to spend my time with him. Maybe we should go out and do some "touristy" stuff in our town -- or something ... a museum?? a movie?? ... instead of having a meal. I would SO love to be honest with both my dad and my sister, but I know that only gets me so far. They are who they are. I either accept it -- or not. In the end, I have to be able to live with myself and my choices. So far -- so good -- Thankfully. Thinking of getting a massage this week. I also have been dancing -- as exercise -- (to good dance music that I love), and it makes my body feel better. I hope I keep this up, as I can't seem to stop eating the holiday treats just yet... Wishing everyone the ability to be gentler with ourselves!

Hi Mary, Thank you for the very insightful questions in your original post in this topic. My mother passed in May, and my relationship with my sister has grown more distant - and tricky - than ever. The questions that you asked of yourself regarding your brother are questions that I ask of myself as well. I work with my sister a few times a week, and have always wanted us to be closer. With my dear mother's help, we did manage to get a bit closer than we had been as kids. I love my sister. Unfortunately, I think she still sees me as the little sister she never wanted (and resents) -- instead of the allies we could be. If I share my honest feelings with her, they are usually just used against me. So, as you ask, when will I learn? When (some) people see us shopping together, they say, "Oh look -- it's so nice to see you sisters together -- it must be so nice" -- I have a positive response to this -- but my sister looks at me like she tolerates me. This is kind of embarrassing, as you can imagine. I know we are different types of people, but having her "in my corner" might only happen (as you say) if I am hospitalized - maybe?! I found my sister's autograph book from her "Sweet 16". In it, I wrote (as a six year old, with my older brother's help), "Happy Sweet 16 -- I hope you love me". I find this very sad. As we are now 50 and 60-year-old women, sharing a profound change in our family dynamic through the loss of our mother (and brother 4 years ago), and still, our relationship can only go so far it seems. As you wrote...Time to let go. It's so difficult. Thank you again for your heart-felt words, and I will look into the author you wrote about as well.

Hi creedu2007, and thank you for your post and your encouragement. I am so sorry that, after such a difficult year for you already, you also needed to put your cat down. It's the humane and merciful thing to do, but, I really feel for you! Happy to see that you will be spending time with loved ones during the holidays. I am Thankful for my husband and family. Some don't even have that, and my heart really goes out to them. I agree that writing and sharing helps to process all that is happening. Once I start writing, I have to organize how I am feeling, and, how I want to share it. It also really helps me to remember that my mother wouldn't want me to dwell too deeply too often in my dispair and grief. She was such a strong and smart woman, and I admired and loved her so much. Thank you for that reminder. Here's some new info... My 80-year-old father will be traveling (many miles away) to visit his siblings this Spring. I am nervous for him (mostly: driving on highways with speeds faster than we are used to, and seeing the houses and places where he and my mother spent most of their lives together and how he will deal with this during his grief). Both my sister and I are married, and are not able to accompany him. I feel somewhat ok knowing that he will have family waiting for him there. Anyway...my sister said to me that she thought my father was happy now that my mother has passed, and now he can travel once again. (For the last 10 years, my mother's poor health made it too risky for her to travel, so, they stopped. My sister wants my father to appear as devistated as she thinks he "should" be about her death -- or -- how she thinks she will be when her husband passes.) It amazes me that she can't see through him. My father is putting on quite a happy act most of the time. When he cries about my mom, he calls me (as he knows it's safe, and I will grieve with him and offer some comfort - hopefully). Maybe he should call my sister some of the time when he is crying. Without my mother, the relationships between my sister, my father and me has changed pretty dramatically. I love my dad, and am in new territory with him for sure. Talking with him (a bit) about his dating future makes me nauseous, but, I feel that I have to do the best I can to support him -- no matter how I personally feel about it. I am dreading the clock striking midnight on New Year's Eve. My family will be together for hugs and kisses at midnight, and my mother won't be there. How will that be for my father?? For all of us?? Ugh...we've made it this far...now to get through that. Then...2012...here we come. Wishing you, creedu2007, and everyone, peace, comfort and strength.

Oh -- and Marty -- Thank you, especially!

I agree, Angel, thank you, and all of the members for your posts. Just knowing that you are here has made this holiday do-able for me. Knowing that I can come to this website (to people who truly understand what I am going through) and read what others' have shared, has given me a safe-haven. We hold each other up, and I am truly Thankful.

If I really feel the way I really feel -- instead of putting on my "public face" -- I am just really sad. Exhausted as well. It's almost too much to keep up with my responsibilities while being in my grief. It is such an overwhelming feeling to KNOW that I need to call my mother (even though, of course, I know I can't). I have never done anything in my life (well...pretty much...)that I didn't talk about with her. I "talk" with her all the time (to her picture), but, I still feel such an intense feeling that I need to pick up the phone and call her. I am truly hoping that once the holidays are over, there will be more time to calm down, and take a bit more time for me. I know life could always be worse, and for many, it is, so I hope to always see and acknowledge the many good things that happen in life as well. Trying (not hard enough) not to eat so much. Tempting treats are everywhere, and I could so easily take my grief and swallow in all the goodies. I really need to remember that the food will not ease my pain. And, my mother would not want me to start gaining weight, as we both needed to be mindful about our weight. My mother and I were such a good team! Oh how I miss her. Seems like there aren't as many people posting lately, but I am pretty sure you are still "out there" -- reading the new posts, as I do. It is a busy time of year, for sure. I guess I thought that during the holidays, this site would be more active, as the holidays seem to be such a difficult time during the grieving process. I know -- it all ebbs and flows -- and I gotta go with it. Reading the posts from years ago are also helpful to me, so, I am still very Thankful.

Hi emmaj - I am sorry that you are feeling so badly. I also don't know what normal is, or what it is going to turn out to be, so, I can't help you there. I was thinking, that where I live, and it's a very small town, we have hospice that is connected with our local hospital. Even though my mother wasn't under hospice care when she died, private counseling was available to me and my family. I think you wrote there is a group from the hospice in your area starting up soon -- but, maybe instead of waiting, you can find out if any hospice in your area can see you immediately to give you some individual counseling (while you are waiting for your appointment in January). Maybe, you could call the hospitals in your area. Please forgive me if you have already tried this -- I don't mean to be pushy or frustrating to you. It's was just a thought, and I would really like to believe that some kind of hospice counselor in your area will help you now. I went to see a hospice counselor after my brother died (4 years ago). The counselor was very compassionate, and helped me a lot. Now, after my mother died, I thought to go back, but the counselor was no longer there, and I really didn't want one more thing to do, or one more place to go to. So, I am Thankful to have found this type of help online -- it has been a lifeline for me. I wish you peace and comfort.

Hi all...well...it's really heating-up over here. It's like I can feel the pressure of the holidays coming, and my emotions building. I feel powerless. And I'm too worn-out and in the grieving process to have much true life-force. Takes everything in me to keep it together to make it through the day. I feel that my mother has be helping me to keep doing the chores that I need to do, and I am Thankful. I need to keep my focus on living in the moment, and keep my thoughts on the positive side. Knowing that my "going-through-the-motions" feeling has been experienced by others' here has been a great help to me. Takes some of the worry out of this process. Thank you all for your posts. My lower back was hurting, so I went to my chiropractor today. He has a poster hanging in his lobby that shows a list of things to do to have a good life. The poster has been there for the many years I have gone to him, and I used to enjoy reading it. The last line on the poster states: "Call your mother". I used to feel good when I saw that line, because I knew I could do it -- and did (and saw her daily as well). Now I see the poster, and it becomes a bit reactivating. Also, he asks me if I am getting over my grief for my mother. Please!!!...with the holidays fast approaching -- why does he think I'm there?!?! Funny, he asked if I was getting over my grief -- not getting over the loss. Didn't think about that until now. He is a wonderful man -- a true healer -- and I am happy that I went to him today. My back feels better. So much sadness wracking my body. Calling my mother on the phone is still such a "pull" for me. I also wake up thinking that I'll see her today -- and then, once again, realize that I can see her only in pictures now (but always feel her in my heart -- and I do). It is said, "you don't know what you've got, until it's gone". It's true, in my grief, because I couldn't really know the depth of this loss/change. And, now that I do know, I'm amazed how my whole life is changing. Foundational changes. I'm scared, but getting through each day the best I can. Growing up faster.

Hi emmaj - thank you for your post. My mother passed-away 7 months ago -- and it feels like it was yesterday. I am so sorry that you are having some setbacks regarding getting some help with your grieving process. But...you did post here -- so -- that's good news to me, as this site has helped me a great deal. It took me a while to post here, and after reading other peoples posts -- and it gave me comfort in knowing that I was not alone. You wrote that you and your husband moved-in with you mother when your father died, so, you have been through some of this before. The caretaking that you did for your mother sounds like what I did for my own mother (caretaking her as if she was the child). I did my best, and am happy that I could be there for her. I am not that thrilled to be around people more than I have to right now, so this website is perfect, with lots of information that is shared. I feel like you -- screwed-up and alone. But -- we are here, with some other really kind people -- all of us trying to feel better. So -- until you get into the group meeting or therapy, maybe you can keep finding some help here.