Miss Ngu

Thank you, Marty, for your comforting words and understanding. Since my family situation shifted into estrangement after my Mom died, I thought I would come back to this grief forum, thinking that there must be others who have gone through this as well. I will keep looking through the topics to find more written on this subject. Thank you for letting me know I am welcome to write here, and that, yes, I am grieving. These discussion groups have helped me so much. I am very grateful to you for this safe space to write and share.

Hi sharirouse, I am so sorry that you are experiencing these feelings - and at such a young age. I feel for you, but can't even imagine how you feel, as it took me so long to be enlightened to the realities of life, and at 55 am still amazed - and appalled, at times, of how people can behave. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your dad. Since my mom died (6 years ago this May), my world shifted as well. I lost family and friends, created fears I didn't even know could exist, and found strength in myself that I didn't know I had (with the lessons I'd learned from my parents, and from my departed angels: my mom, grandmom [mom-mom], and brother). My rose-colored glasses sure have come off! So...no...you are not alone. Thank you for this topic!

Thanks, Kay, for your compassionate response. It means a lot! It also feels good to write, and let this some of this pain out. Sad that family can behave this way. You sure are right about not being able to change people! My door is open, but the trust and respect aren't there - and never really have been - and the honest work it would take isn't something I've seen them do -- but -- you never know what will be. I think I need to move into the "anticipatory grief" section, as these "behaviors in bereavement" have created new fears - like how to deal with my Dad's death without my family? Or -- with them?? I'm not sure if I should be writing here at all, given that my Dad is still, Thankfully, healthy (at age 86). No one is "dying" -- it's the grief of the death of my family - while they are living, that I am experiencing. But, it's not the same as them no longer being on the planet, which is what this forum may be intended for.

After my Mom died, my sister's family no longer approved of how my Dad lived his life. They stopped communicating with him -- and have now stopped talking to me (since I still have a close relationship with him). I have lost most of my family members because we disagree about how an old man, our Dad/Grandpop, should live his life. Family estrangement is the new death that I am now grieving, and for 10 people all at the same time, who no longer speak to me. I read that this is common -- don't know if that is a new thing, or if it always has occurred -- but family ties seem more flexible. I was taught to stick by your family, but apparantly, all don't feel this way -- not even a sibling that grew up in the same household, with the same parents (and in our family, no physical or mental abuse, rape, or murder occurred, Thankfully). Trusting my sister's family didn't work that well for me, but, at least I have some good memories, and know who they are -- and I learned that if you're not with them 100% -- your against them (in their eyes). They have estranged many important people in their lives, so my Dad and I (and my husband) are not the first. As I have previously written...I work two days a week with my sister (my Dad no longer works with us). I didn't just evaporate when I was dismissed. I don't involve myself - other than to say "goodbye" at the end of the day, but I am not interested in opening myself up to them -- just to feel this loss again. I do love them all, and wish them well in my heart and prayers (as it takes more energy to be angry at them, which, ultimately hurts me). So, I get to see that they are alive -- and that is good enough for now. There are other people who care, and have a gracious spirit towards me, my husband, and my Dad -- they just aren't my sister and her family. I sometimes do wonder how they rationalize and communicate their shunning to people who ask them how their Dad and sister are doing? Sorry -- from my perspective, I see it as disgusting on their part. I also pray for their Souls, as honoring Mom and Dad was a Commandment -- and I wasn't willing (even though I'm not ultra religious) to test my fate when I meet my Maker. I hope there are some who will read this and relate to it -- and maybe you'll even write and share what you have experienced -- and, mostly, how you are coping with it. Thanks for reading...

...a little more, Unboundstash, as I re-read your post, I see that your Mom passed away recently. Please accept my condolences. Losing a treasured loved one (on her birthday, no less), and then going right into the holiday season must have been rough. Right after my Mom passed away, my teeth went wacky, and I needed three root canals. When my husband's Mom passed away a few years ago, he had a bout of meningitis. I feel that the grief and strain manifested itself into some physical illness - like a bodily release of sorts. I have been exercising and meditating to reduce stress, which has been very helpful for my overall health. Sending supportive thoughts your way.

Hi Unboundstash, I am back on this forum, and thought I'd respond to you. I am glad you are managing your menopausal symptoms, and also glad that you wrote on this thread. I have been in full menopause since 2014 (three years since my beloved Mom's passing). I still get hot flashes occasionally, and agree with you that stress makes it worse. Yes, it was hard to go through such big life changes during a time when my body was also going through big changes, and still hard not having my dear Mom here to guide me through it all. She is, however, always with me in my heart (and my voice and mannerisms are much like hers). May we keep gaining in our emotional strength, confidence, and good heath (with kindness and compassion) as our departed loved ones would want us to.

Well ... here I am -- back again -- with a bit of an update. Looks like the grieving process has led my family to estrangement. Mom died in 2011, and in 2013 my sister told our Dad that he was not "core" family to her (that only her children and their offspring were her core family). After that, my sister and her family stopped communicating with our Dad/Grandpop. Their complaint with him was that he was, and still is, more interested in dating than interacting with family (even though Dad is now 86 years old). Ok -- I was able to maintain a relationship with everyone (separately), until Thanksgiving 2015 when Dad had no holiday dinner plans. I told my sister (the Sunday before Thanksgiving Thursday) that I will need to take Dad out if he has no dinner plans - which is what occurred. Well -- after that, my sister and her whole family started shunning me too. I know this happens in families, but, of course, didn't think it would happen in mine. I have had some time to deal with this estrangement, and know that I did what I needed to do for my Dad and for my Soul (not to mention for my dearly departed Mom who loved my Dad). I am not conflicted in my decisions, and not to deal with my sister's family, as I am not interested in reviving a relationship with them that they can so easily cast aside. I am worth more. I have some good friends, but I know I am more cautious knowing how people can hurt each other so carelessly. Just signing back into this forum gave me some relief knowing I am not alone.

Dear Kay - please know that you in my thoughts and prayers. You have been such a great support for me, and to so many others, even during your own challenging times. You are an inspiration. The poem you posted earlier in this thread regarding dementia is a reminder for both my husband and myself to maintain our patience and understanding in regards to his mother who has dementia. Thank you for that. You are a wonderful, powerful, and caring woman, and are truly appreciated. You demonstrate how a human being can behave well, and do their best, regardless of the situation. I admire you -- and feel for you. From my heart to yours.

Hi Kay, and thank you for your response -- and support! It helps to write it out -- and to know that someone cares.

Oh yeah...my dad said that it really would have hurt him worse had my sister said that they would only go to dinner if his girlfriend didn't go. Instead...she said that her family had a meeting and decided that they weren't going to do the holiday this year. Funny how we placate my sister (his daughter), and rationalize what is "ok" to keep some amount of peace in our family. I guess most families do this as well?!?

I need to write, as so many changes just keep happening. My father's companion is now his girlfriend. I can't say that I know her well -- or really want to get to know her well -- but I am glad my dad is happy. So here is what happened: Each year, my family goes out for a holiday dinner together (in September), but this year my sister said that she and her family (all 11 of them) don't want to do holiday dinner this year. So, they declined. My sister's opinion of my dad's girlfriend is that she is aloof. I agree, his girlfriend does come across as a bit aloof when you first meet her, but, when you talk with her a bit (and keep and open mind) she is rather nice. Just a reminder, dear reader, that my dad is 82 years old and his girlfriend is 79. My sister is rather controlling, and her family (husband, children and grandchildren) all seem to follow along with her opinioins. I, however, have my own mind, and am, honestly, selfish, and know that I have to live with myself and my choices, and I am not willing to have regrets about abandoning my father. I surely don't think that is what my mom would want me to do. Anyway, my dad called me a bit upset, as you can imagine. I told him that my husband and I still would like to go with him and his girlfriend to holiday dinner, and anyone else he chooses to invite. I'm not sure I am getting my point accross here -- or even what my point may be. It seems, to my sister, her father died when our mother died, as he is, indeed, a different person without my mom. I am not interested in having his girlfriend fill-in as a surrogate mother for me, but I want to continue being in my dad's life. Mostly...my dad and sister are the last of my "core" family, and I will not choose between them -- and shouldn't have to. So, here it is, another change to deal with and get used to. I am sad, unsure, and lost as life unravels. My only good news, is that I have been treating my peri-menopausal self very well by swimming twice a week, doing yoga twice a week, and exercising on the elliptical and using weights twice a week. Feeling better in my body, and somewhat calmer in my mind. Still...living after my mother's death continues to be challening. I sure hope she is helping us from above.

Thank you, Kay, as always for responding. Knowing that you understand and care means a lot to me! It really helps me know that I am not as alone as I feel, and that you are praying for me -- as I do for you, as well. My best to you -- with gratitude.

Well...here we are...coming up on another Mother's Day holiday. This will be the second one since my mom passed (on May 12, 2011) -- and -- the anniversary of her death falls on THE day this year! The greeting cards are already in the stores, and the tv commercials are already showing items for sale for mom. As if I don't miss her enough already, these reminders are a harsh dose of reality for me. Every day has been a different kind of Mother's day since she passed. I feel like I am crying out to mom everyday -- asking her to help me cope with the changes that her passing brought on. I also thank her for helping me in all different situations, and for teaching me how to love, and to strive to be a joyful person, living without guilt or regrets. What I am really learning is...It's hard for me to live without my mother, and the "new" world that has emerged. But...I keep working on it. Here's more on the changes with my dad... yesterday, he shows up and says he had a car accident. What happened is, he is recovering from his surgery (see prior post), and was taking pain medications, he opened the rear driver's-side door of the car, but forgot to close it. He started backing-up and the door hit a post, and bent the door frame, and the glass came out. Thankfully, no one was hurt, and the door can be fixed. He is losing weight, and doesn't look too healthy to me. When I ask him, he says he is ok, and that he will go to his companion's house, and she will take care of him. All of his life's details aren't the point, as much as me feeling like he is an 82-year-old man with a 14-year-old's mind -- and -- mostly -- THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO ABOUT IT. Yes...I guess this is bothering me the most. This is an adjustment in the making for me. Besides not really foreseeing life without my mom here on the planet, I also never imagined my dad dating after she passed on -- and that he would change to be someone new to me. Seems like my topic should be: Too many changes. Oh...and by the way...when you tell anyone that your 82-year-old father has gotten a penile implant -- it shuts them up FAST!

Hi babbent514 and babygirl3 -- Please accept my condolences for the loss of your beloved Mom and Dad, respectively. I am comforted in knowing that others have similar experiences to mine -- and can relate to what I've been through. I am, however, ongoingly amazed at how much my life has changed since my Mom's passing (May 2011), and haven't written on this site lately, mostly because I don't have much positive to say about how my emotional life is looking (even upon coming up on two years without my dear Mom here on the planet). All I can write, it seems, is that my life has changed SO much -- and closeness with people/friends/family has become something that I no longer recognize -- as it mostly doesn't exist. It is, however, a reality that I am experiencing. My life is much more solitary. I no longer pick up the phone to call anyone when I am feeling troubled. Why bother -- as I don't feel understood or better when the conversation is over. This is a big change for me. Yes, I used to confide in my Mom, mostly -- and the closeness and friendship we shared is not found anywhere else. I realize that our love and connection was extremely special and precious, and I am forever Thankful to have had that with her (the life and strength she gave me helps me to continue to find joy in daily living -- but this has been challenging). I can say that my relationship with my sister has gotten a bit better. We are still very different, and I barely trust her -- but -- she isn't quite as removed from me as she was when my Mom first died. My relationship with my 82-year-old Dad has been more troubling to me lately. He is a person I no longer really like -- but I still love. I have been grieving for the man that I thought he was. Yes, he is allowed to change -- and has been changed by his wife's death, but his behavior is very tough to deal with. Here is something I can't talk about with anyone...he will be getting a penile implant this week to counteract his erectile dysfunction. Also, his relationship with his companion of four months isn't going that well anymore. So...soon I will have disgusting "flirty Daddy" back, trying to get a new girlfriend -- but now he will be "functional". I know that if he was someone else's Dad I would probably think that he still wanted to live life to the fullest, even at his advanced age -- but it's MY Dad, and his behavior is not easy to take. Oh well -- there is no "move on" for me -- only "live with" and try to enjoy life. So -- I haven't written on this site, because I don't think I have much hope to share with anyone. Life without my beloved Mom has been truly difficult to deal with, and I can't sugar coat it. I know this is only my experience, and that I can write anything I want here -- so -- I guess I should try to write again more often. I am also not the same person I was, but I am working on loving and supporting the person I am becoming. My Mom made a conscious decision to find joy in life -- and I will too. My best to you both on this journey.

Hi Kay and Mary -- Thank you so much for your support!! Knowing that you are in my corner means the world to me. My best to you both.

Hi Anne - Thank you for keeping me in your heart. It means a lot to me to know that you care. The care and understanding that I have received from the people on this website (like you) have truly helped me so much. I know that I am not alone, and that there are people who understand what I am going through. Yes...asking for what I want seems to be the issue here -- as does me still grieving for my dear mother, and the connectedness she created for our whole family. I know I am lucky to have had such true love in my life, and will continue to remember how precious it was -- and how that love can sustain me. Here's some good news...I had a chat with a friend yesterday...and one today with a friend who is celebrating her birthday, and both conversations actually included me in them! My friends actually asked how things were going in my life -- and they asked in the beginning of the conversation. As I have written, it has been a long while since this type of interraction has happened with my friends, and I really noticed it -- and appreciated their asking. Feels like I am "filling back up" instead of being depleted. Prayer...with lots of patience and willingness to learn...pays off. As does the encouragement and support of you, Anne, and the caring people I have here on this site. You are in my heart as well.

Hi Kay -- Yes...Marty's suggestion, as I wrote above, is a good one -- and -- as you said...it might take some reminding to keep my friends on the listening side of the conversation a little longer -- before they go back to their own stories. Also...thank you for reminding me about "secondary losses". What I am feeling is a direct effect of my mother's passing, and trying to find my way in the world again. Grief is way different than I thought it might be, and missing my mom is huge -- but only a part of the downline changes that have occurred. I am grateful to be able to share my thoughts on this website, and feel encouraged and understood. It is a true Blessing -- and I truly appreciate your insight always.

Hi Marty -- Thank you for your suggestion. I tried this with a friend of mine a few months ago. Asked her when she had time to talk to me, as I had some things of which I wanted her opinion. Thankfully, it did work, and she did listen to me. Unfortunately, I felt heard, but not understood, exactly, from her. Kind of a let down. But, at least she gave me the space to vent a bit. So...good suggestion, and maybe I will try it again -- and maybe with a different friend. Your input is always so welcome, and I am always grateful to hear from you, and know that you care.

Dear Kay -- I learn from your strength, determination, and devotion. I am sorry thatI have no insight to give you, as I have not experienced what you are going through, but please know you are in my thoughts and in my heart.

To confirm this lack of conversation with my "friends" isn't all in my head... I got a text from another one of my very old "friends" just now stating that she knows she hasn't been "very talkative lately". I know people have their own stuff to deal with, but, boy, I really think I picked some "winners", and the timing of their own stuff seems to have coincided with the timing of my mother's passing. Are the two connected? Is it just a time in my life where I need to learn another hard lesson, and truth about people -- and myself? I will continue to learn, and count on prayer, myself (with all the information my mother and grandmother gave to me), my husband, and this website, and be grateful that I have this much. Still, I am confused and sad -- but -- continuing to work on how I am feeling about what life is showing me, and how to maintain love and compassion (for myself and others). I must say that I could almost "feel" the support from this website yesterday. Knowing that there were people reading what I wrote -- and knowing that they are thinking about me (as I have read their writings, and think about them also) -- and know that I have support from people I don't even know. Thank you for reading -- and caring. Anne -- thank you for writing to me. It means a lot to know that you care. Yes...sometimes I think I should stop writing on this site, thinking that I shouldn't be writing on a grieving website, because I am not sure that the issues I am going through fall into that category anymore. But...this time, following my mother's passing, is new to me, emotionally and physically, and it feels wonderful to be heard (read) and understood by others that have gone through similar situations. Kay -- I've written down your words, "hold on a second, I've listened to you for an hour, don't you care to hear how I am doing?", as they are some that I'm going to try (if/when I talk to a friend, and receive the same treatment). I am trying to speak well, and not regret my words -- by speaking out of anger. I also don't want to just avoid those people, and would rather they know what is true for me. I am an outgoing person, and not very shy, but, my people-pleasing side emerges at my own expense, and I need to try harder to get the courage to gently, but honestly tell the truth, as I would prefer this treatment from them as well. Thank you, as always, for your wonderful support!

So...even after all of this time in my grieiving process, I am still confronted with conversations that don't really include me. There is nowhere to turn with this pain except for here (which I am grateful exists). I try to talk to my Dad about what is happening in my life...but...his response to me isn't even closely related to what I am saying. Like...I was giving him some details about getting the appliances for our new house changed-over to gas appliances. His response..."that's interesting". And then, when I pause because his response catches me off guard (since it was an odd response to what I was saying), he starts-up telling me where he is going with his new companion. Ok -- then -- a friend actually calls me today -- I wait and listen to her tell me about her life for, like, a half an hour -- and then -- tells me she has to go -- without even asking me how I am doing. This has got to stop. I am not getting anything out of these "conversations" except upset. As niamh said a while ago, I need to tell people point blank "if you are not interested in what I have to say, why should I listen to what you have to say". I only get upset with myself for allowing my time to be taken-up by one-way friendships -- and I have to do something about this. I still feel hopeful that my turn to speak and be heard will occur -- but -- it doesn't. I have put a lot of time and effort into my friendships, only to have them turn out to be very superficial. I know that no one will EVER be as close to me as my mother was -- but -- I need to be willing to tell the truth (as best I can), and risk losing my relationships with even my acquaintances, because I am only more upset after feeling used and uncared for. I am very aware in my conversations to stay upbeat and positive, and not dwell too long on my story, and be fair to the person with whom I am conversing. Others' don't seem to care about this fairness, I guess. I keep thinking I should be used to this by now, since it has been going on since my Mom died (May 12, 2011), but it is still a sad awakening to me.

Yesterday, my dad told me that his relationship with his new "lady friend" has become a bit more serious, and they will be dating each other exclusively. Ok -- I know this is a good thing -- but -- I still feel so raw and sad about it. I know he is not replacing my mother, and that we are in different places in our grief -- and life. I told him that it helps to hear him say he is not replacing my mom, and that he is just lonely, and likes this woman's companionship. This is a tough, new adjustment for me, and different than what he is experiencing. I spoke with him about how I am feeling -- and I think he "got it" -- when he saw me tearing-up. It takes A LOT for my dad to see what is happening with other people, as he is consumed only with himself (that is just who he is, and has always been). I told him to go slow in introducing his new companion with my sister, and told him exactly why. Let her meet this woman in small intervals, and get to know her, and get used to the idea. I know it is selfish of me, and I really, ultimately, have no control of anything, but, I told him that I would like my sister's help in caretaking him when/if the time comes, and since it is too soon to know if his new companion will be there when the time comes, he might try to be more sensitive to his other daughter, to not force his newfound happiness on her carelessly -- if he can.

Hi - please accept my condolences for your Dad's passing. My dear Mom died on May 12, 2011 -- and, like your Mom, she was the perfect Mom for me. I also have had a difficult relationship with my 81-year-old Dad (my Mom's surviving spouse), and think I will have more mixed (and more complex feelings when he passes on) -- but -- only time will tell. The grieving process (the upset, the changes, and, ultimately, learning life's new lessons) has been broader and more challenging to me than I could ever have imagined. Please know that my heart goes out to you -- and is here with you.

Hi Kay, and thank you for the list of hopes you posted. I keep re-reading them...and they are helping me get through this New Years' night. Hugs -- and thanks -- to you...from me. HNY

Well...Happy New Year!! Is it? I guess it could be. But, I really don't feel happy -- not yet, at least. This is the second new year being brought in without my mother here on the planet. It still hurts (as it always will) -- but -- time goes on. This is my new life. Everyday since my mom passed-on is like a free-fall. Nothing is the same in my life -- it's like an upside-down world. I know that everything feels different, because I am different. Her death has changed me -- my dad -- my sister -- my whole family, really. It also has obliterated most friendships that I thought I had. Such profound shifts -- that I never could have expected or prepared for. I will always be so Thankful that I had the time that I did with my mom in this life. Our relationship evolved (and we worked hard at it) to become true friends. To be able to rely on someone so much, and have their unconditional love -- and to want to give that to to them as well -- is just so rare, and more precious than I ever knew. Peace, strength and comfort to you in 2013, dear reader... Onward...through the fog...