Miss Ngu

Hi Kay, and thank you for your response. I really appreciate what your wrote, "I guess all we can do is aspire to be the kind of people that others would miss". This statement made me think about if/how I might be missed by others if I were to depart the planet today. Mostly, I want to keep bettering myself, as I find that I could really go either way (expressing my anger and bemoaning, and being negative toward most things and people -- or -- looking to find some/any positives in situations, and stay on that track as best I can). I believe that love is always the answer, and want to keep living my life towards this policy. There is a lot of negativity to deflect -- from myself and from others, and it can take a lot to stay focused. Thank you for you writing -- and caring. It means a lot to me. My best to you.

Hi Ceh - While I really don't know how to respond to your husband's behavior and actions, I just want you to know that I read your post, and feel for you in your situation. Mostly, I want to give you my condolences for the loss of your mother-in-law. You really did well by her. As I keep learning, during my grief, rolling with life is quite challenging. Hopefully, you will seek some counseling regarding the situation with your husband. I know what it is like to not feel "heard", and how confused I started feeling, so, it would be great to know that you had someone in your corner who could help you to keep seeing what's going on in your life clearer. My best to you.

Well...here it is...my second Christmas without my mom here on the planet, and I miss her more than ever. I still want to call her on the phone everyday, and really feel the "pull" to do so. I "talk" with her, and feel her with me -- but -- it's obviously not the same. I cry -- and miss her comfort, friendship, love and understanding so much!! My dad is dating a woman that he likes, for about two months now. As I have written previously, he is living to fulfill his ego, and is happy that this woman needs him, and likes that he is a "someone" in our small town. If that is what he needs...so be it. I hadn't met her yet, so thankfully he called me before showing-up with her, at a party we both attended. I was leaving when then finally arrived -- so -- our meeting was extremely brief -- but -- nice. My sister is not ready for any introductions, so, I hope he remains sensitive (as sensitive as he can be) to her needs. I also hope my sister comes to terms with her upset at my dad, and can understand that he is lonely. She would prefer he miss our mother instead -- as I would too, really, but that isn't what is reality. My husband and I went to visit his family duringThanksgiving, and it was nice to spend time with them, even though I am not that fond of traveling. It's important for my husband to see his elderly parents, as we both know how badly they will be missed. We are in the process of fixing our new house to get it ready for us to move into. Every day, I feel my mother's strength helping me to do the tasks I need to do (which have been many). It must be her helping me, because, I can't believe I have kept up with all that needs to be done on my own. She taught me well. Now...I must remember to trust that I can get through the difficulty and stress -- and to remember to stay kind (to myself and others). I named myself Miss Ngu in this forum to (obviously) stand for "missing you" -- as my mother was my everything, and I will miss her every day of my life. Now...if I re-pronounce Miss Ngu in an Asian-kind-of-style (omitting the "g" sound -- which, oddly enough was my mom's name's first initial), I am Miss New. Yes...all is new -- and I am still not enjoying it -- but -- I am getting through it. Hoping to breathe deeper, and come to more of a peace with life's lessons -- even with all its twists and turns.

Hi Anthony, Glad to see your post today...I needed it. My (81-year-old widower of 1 and 1/2 years) dad sent me a picture in an email of him and a woman that he likes and is dating. It is hard for me to see these pictures, and to hear about the company my dad is keeping, but, seeing posts like yours help me to see it from my dad's perspective, and for that, I thank you. My dad seems so desperate to find someone, that, I get scared for him. Still, I know "time is of the essence" for him (I'd guess...since he is 81 years old). So far, my dad is respecting my boundaries with how much information I can handle, and I hope this continues. I tell him if I am getting uncomfortable, but he can be insensitive at times. This is a whole new territory. My sister wants my dad to be crying for my mother, and is rather unhappy with my dad being the "flirt". Trying not to let my fears get the best of me regarding my dad's future. Taking it day-by-day. Anyway...good to hear your perspective. Thanks again.

Hi Kay, and thank you for your reply and support! It really means a lot to me. Regarding anxiety disorder -- yes, I have been diagnosed (and see my doctor every 6 months), and I have medication to take for anxiety attacks (which does help a lot). You wrote, "You will be busy in the upcoming weeks, but I hope it is a busyness that is rewarding as you see your goals come to fruition". Thank you for these words -- they remind me of something my mom would say to me, and definately words that I will look at again and again to remind me to keep plugging away. Thank you. It helps me to know that you care. My best to you always.

Here's an update...well...we finally got our house loan approved!! Now to wait a few more weeks to finally get the keys. I know that my dear mom has put her angelic touch on this process -- too many "little miracles". It hurts so much not to have her here during this big change in my life. She always helped me so much, in so many ways -- and now is no longer here. For instance...she would help me clean the new place (or, as she got older, hire someone to help me). She would even help me purchase an appliance, if need be. Having good parents is like winning the lottery. It was her joy to do these things for me (as I was also a child that adored her parents, and would do anything for them). Please, don't get me wrong...it's not the monetary things that I miss, it's the utter support, with her whole being, that I miss. Thankfully, my husband and I can pay for the things that we need, it's just that safety net for my emotional and my physical comfort -- and her complete support, makes life completely different. She was the glue for me and our family, so, how could life be anything but different? I have been feeling more scared and anxious lately. There is so much happening in my life -- and now -- the holidays are approaching as well. I do understand that time is fleeting, and that our lives can be changed or stopped at any time, so, I really try to appreciate each and every moment, and enjoy what I can. I am noticing that my husband doesn't seem to remember this concept, and I can get caught-up in his impatience and thoughtless behavior. It scares me that the only person that really brought me solace, comfort, and understanding, was my mother, and she is no longer here. Ok -- so there is no human here to really talk to. Writing this out does feel better -- which is great!! Thank you, reader for your compassion, and Marty, for keeping this very safe space. I rely and talk to my Higher Spirit, which has always been my salvation. I spoke with some old friends on my birthday, and was so happy to receive their good wishes. It seems like talking on the phone is becoming a thing of the past. No one has the time anymore. Hey -- even I feel like my time is going away when I am on a long conversation. So...I guess that's just the way life is evolving. So, now to see if our traveling plans are still going to come before the holidays. So much going on, and I am missing my mom through each minute. I am also living my life the best I can to honor her, and how she raised me. Women are strong in my family. We don't give up. I don't give up. I'm in pain -- but, I'm going on...and I am Thankful.

I have been thinking of about what I wrote above, "...I heard that relying on our loved-ones who have passed keeps their spirit tied to this planet, instead of moving onward. Still, I watch the tv show "Long Island Medium" (about a woman who communicates with people that have died), and am comforted to think that my mom is here with me. I would, obviously, never want to do my mother's spirit any harm or hinder her spiritual growth in any way. I know this is not really answerable, as there are many beliefs surrounding this topic -- but -- that's always in the back of my mind." Hmmm...maybe it is not an all-or-nothing kind of thing?! So, hopefully, as long as I don't NEED my mom with me too much -- but just keep the memories of her love close to my heart always -- her spirit can both move on -- and -- also come to me (at times) as well? I know these are my "crazy" thoughts, that I can share with no one but you, dear reader.

Hi Marty, Just wanted to thank you for your article, Dealing with Special Days: Anniversaries, Birthdays and Holidays (on open to hope). With my 51st birthday coming up this weekend, I am aware and accepting of my heightened sense of sadness. I thought, now that I am writing to my mom (per Kay's suggestion), how would it be to write an answer letter, from my mom, to me (as shown as an exercise to do in your article)? Looking forward to trying it. Miss Ngu, I took the liberty of adding a link to that article, above ~ Also, I see that there is a typo where that exercise is described. It should read as follows: Take the letter you write to your loved one's grave site (or some other special place) to be read aloud, then burn it in your fireplace or BBQ grill. Then, write a letter from your loved one back to you. Ask yourself: How would she answer you? When finished, fold her letter into a small enough size that when you put it into a box it will rattle. Then wrap it as a gift and, when you need it, simply rattle it – so you'll know it's a gift from your beloved.

Hi Kay, and thank you for your reply and support, as always! You are right, I have been learning a lot about give-and-take in relationships, and, recently, am coming from a much more self-reliant place, not nearly as much from a people-pleasing place, which is great -- freeing, really. I feel a bit more powerful lately -- like -- I am not abandoned by my deceased mother (which I know is just a feeling, it's not like she had any choice about dying) -- and I am strengthened by her -- and my deceased brother and grandmother too. I am drawing support for myself in my memories of how much love I shared with them -- and how I felt understood by them -- and truly loved. Got to let that keep nurturing me. So, you wrote that, "nothing can be changed now" regarding the past. So true. I will continue to stay in the moment, and keep learning as I go. Regarding my dad, I do think he loves me -- but -- there is a lot wrapped around that. My dad has love for me -- but -- it is very conditional. He says mean and thoughtless things to me so easily, that his love can be hard to trust. He is also too much in love with himself to be much of a support. Let's just say that, if he knew my true heart, he would probably use it against me, at some point -- or tell it to my sister -- or something. So, unfortunately, a confidante, he is not. Does he support me -- yes -- to the degree he can. Here's another fact: I also work with my dad and sister twice-a-week for our family business. Been doing this for the past 16 years. It has afforded me the opportunity to be around my family, and to make our relationships better. Thankfully, our relationships have gotten better throughout the years -- they just have stalled -- or reversed -- or just changed in general since my mom died. I am not ready to leave these people totally -- it would feel unfinished, and I would regret not being here for my dad -- I want to do this for my mom -- and me. I am thankful that lessons from my mom help me to cope with my dad and sister's personalities -- it's just very challenging. Where we work, we meet lots of new people, and I have some very nice (and sometimes deep) interactions with these people. I even think maybe some could be friends. I am cautious -- but still open to true, fair friendship. More than anything -- your caring and friendship has helped me so much, and I appreciate your support, insight, and the strength that you share. My best to you always!

Hi Marty, and thank you for your reply. I will re-visit your Death of a Parent webpage, and pick-up my next resource. I have really been focusing on honoring my mother, by living each day as best I can (stumbling, and learning as I go). This is new for me, as I was feeling abandoned, and don't feel that way as much recently. I feel more powerful with her "here" with me. The only thing that (oddly) bothers me about this "keeping her here with me", is that, somewhere, I heard that relying on our loved-ones who have passed keeps their spirit tied to this planet, instead of moving onward. Still, I watch the tv show "Long Island Medium" (about a woman who communicates with people that have died), and am comforted to think that my mom is here with me. I would, obviously, never want to do my mother's spirit any harm or hinder her spiritual growth in any way. I know this is not really answerable, as there are many beliefs surrounding this topic -- but -- that's always in the back of my mind. Anyway...Marty, your last sentence comforts me so deeply. You are here -- when I need you the most. Thank you is not enough to say how grateful I am to you -- and the readers and writers here. I have checked-out other grief support groups online, but only this one shows itself to be truly safe (I am judging this by the level of writing and interaction). Marty -- that difference is you. I am lucky to have found (and trusted to sign-up with) a group with such a caring, knowledgable, and "on it" moderator/counsellor. I am NOT alone.

Oh yeah...forgot to mention that this invitation oversight comes after this past Friday's scene. I bought tickets to see a show with my sister and her visiting friends -- but -- when I get to the theater -- my sister says, "Oh -- I forgot you were coming -- and didn't save you a seat". Ugh! Not a shock to me (sadly), as I figured there was a 50/50 chance of this happening.

No one to talk to...so...I will write...my sister has some friends visiting (as they visit every year, and will be moving to our small town in a few months). Anyway...these friends renewed their wedding vows yesterday, and everyone in my family was invited -- except me (and my husband). My sister was officiating the renewal, and since my family (14 of us) are the only people the visiting friends know here, it is hard on my emotions that my husband and I were not included. I was told that these vows were going to happen during this visit, but, never got an invite. My dad never got an invite -- but my sister told him, "I told you you were invited -- you just don't remember". My dad admitted to me that he is old, but he doesn't remember hearing the invite -- and neither do I. My dad just happened to call my sister on the day of the renewal, and she said she'd see him there. So, I guess then, my husband and I were the only ones not invited. It just feels crummy. Since my brother and mom died, I have also had the experience of grieving the relationship that I have with my sister -- or --lack of relationship, I should say. I am experiencing so much grief and pain, but I am not willing to remove myself totally from my family, as I want us all to remain as much as a team until my dad passes on. After that -- who knows?? What also is upsetting to me...is that I truly feel bad for myself regarding having no friends who will really talk to me. When I do "phone a friend", I listen to what is going on with them, but truly don't feel any better once I've opened-up to them -- and -- I can't open-up too much, as I can sense -- something -- that is just uncomfortable, and I never get to the point that I really feel heard anyway. I have never been this alone in my life. Truly alone. Only dad and husband -- who talk way more than listen -- and, of course, who then want to fix it. There is no one to just talk-out the details to. Therapists have let me down so much, that it is hard to try that route again -- so -- I am writing. Kay -- I have been writing emails to my mom. I cry everytime -- so -- that has been good for my healing process. Writing to her sometimes feels a bit too painful (because I know there is not going to be a real response), but it has helped me really listen to the voice deep inside that I know is her talking to me -- or, at least -- hearing the lessons she imparted to me during her life. So, thank you for this suggestion. Writing on this website, receiving comforting and insightful responses, and reading others' posts, have helped me so much. Thank you!

Hi Kay, You wrote that Jim has Asperger's syndrome. I believe my dad has this as well. You also wrote about George, "...from the very beginning of our relationship he was single minded and with purpose...to place me ahead of everything else, to win me and keep me, and to devote his life to me". From what I see in my dad, and from what I know of my parents relationship (when my mom as alive, of course), is that he always loved himself best -- and loved being her "hero". It wasn't a "real" kind of partnership of caring that you describe with George (which sounds so conscious, spiritual and deeply loving). Love to my dad is more of an ego-fulfilling experience. I wish my dad was more capable of really knowing himself, instead of perpetuating his "egomaniac with an insecurity complex" stance. Unfortunately, he doesn't allow himself to see that he has anything to work on regarding his behavior, and is unwilling to go too deep, as to uncover some very uncomfortable traumas that he has experienced in his life -- to better himself. Also, if I may be so bold, Jim seems to have some of the same traits as your mom -- and maybe your relationship with Jim keeps you stuck in (or maybe moving through) some feelings you have towards your mom -- to help that heal? I hope you can forgive me if I am over-stepping. I mainly want you to know that I support you in living the best life you can. You are a dear heart, and do not deserve anything less than a great man.

Hi Marty, I found your blog post, Grief Support: When Others Fail to Meet Our Expectations, and, once again, really found help, comfort and understanding in your writing. I don't know how to re-post it here in Free Fall -- but I'd love to include it here if you can attach it. Thank you!!

Hi hockeymom, and thank you for your reply -- it means a lot to me! Not only, as you said, do I feel that I lost a small part of myself, I also lost a whole support system that I thought was going to be there for me. Even after all this time since my mom died, my "friends" (and I felt Blessed to have many of them) still are just as distant as ever. Some even email me, and tell me that they will call soon. I wonder when "soon" is for them -- and also wonder how they live with going back on their word to me. It is sad for me to say, but I feel resentment towards them, and hope they have other friends to go to when their parents start dying, as I don't feel that I will wish to be as giving of myself to them as I was in the past. Fair is fair -- and I must respect and honor myself. Please don't get me wrong, I love my friends and wish them well, but, I can't not know what I know after this experience, and feel what I feel. Unfortunately, I can't really say that I have had ANYONE (other than my sweet husband and this website) that I can be real with, and show my true emotions -- and feel listened to and understood. How depressing, eh? Still -- I am (somewhat) open to any future friends, if any real good ones happen to show up in my life. The love I received from my mother and grandmother keep me going. I know I am lucky to have such wonderful memories of them -- and -- mostly -- I am fortunate to have known their love and strength, and to keep what I learned from them alive in me. Thank you, hockeymom, for your vote of confidence for me. I helps me to know you understand -- and care!

Hi Anne, and thank you for your very sweet reply. Knowing that you, and others on this site, understand how I am feeling really makes such a huge difference in my life. And reading and receiving support feels so good -- as I know I am not as alone as I feel. This site has been a lifeline for me (thanks Marty!). Thanks, also, for reminding me to re-read Marty's link, and the poem. Yes...it really does help. Going on without my mom physically here is a major adjustment, and I can see that I am learning to live in a new normal, without being so freaked-out by it. Still, I must honestly say, I don't like it -- but need to keep continuing to learn how to live happily in life, as my mom would want me to. You wrote, "May the sorrow that you are feeling in your heart today lighten by the love that surrounds you." Anne, thank you for your love surrounding me -- and for understanding my heartbreak.

Hi Kay, Thank you for your helpful reply. I will try writing to my mom, as I haven't tried that yet, and see how I feel. When I "speak to her" (aloud -- in the air), I just get complainy and feel sad for myself. Maybe writing it out to her will feel as good as it does when I write on this website. I'll let you know how it goes. Thank you, also, for your support on our house loan. We were able to get the appraisal amount, just as you said. We are still awaiting final approval, and might not know for 2 more weeks. It's been a tough wait -- and no mom to help ease the stress. Knowing that you care what is happening in my life, and pulling for a good outcome for me, really feels good, and I thank you. I'll let you know how this goes as well. In a few weeks, my 51st birthday will be here. Time moves on, even though my heart still aches for my mom. My second birthday in my life without her here. Trying to take it day-by-day, minute-by-minute, as you have recommended. Too hard to look too far ahead. I am glad that you have experienced what a mother's love can really feel like -- it's such a warm, welcoming, and caring feeling. I know my cats have a wonderful feeling towards me as their human mom, and I am glad I can be that for them. Sad to see that you didn't have more time on the planet with George. It is another reminder that every moment is precious. I really appreciate your writing to me. It makes me feel good. Thank you. My best to you always.

Dear Chai, Thank you for your very sweet reply. I wish I could say I tested out niamh's theory of asking my friends for a bit more support and attention to where I am at and how I am feeling -- but -- I don't hear from anyone -- and -- when I think of calling them -- I think -- why bother?! I write them emails -- and keep the emails upbeat -- and, sometimes, get a response. When I write how I am missing my mom and adjusting daily to my new life without her here, I, mostly don't hear back from them at all -- and when I do, what I wrote is not addressed. Oh well -- I have learned to rely more on Faith, myself, my husband, and what I think my mom would advise me to do. It has been 4 years for you, and even though it is hard to read, I know that I, too, will always miss my dear mom -- how could I not?? She was the best!! Yes...we can be told by others how this will feel, but, living through it is the only way to really know -- so there is no way to truly prepare. I am just as ripped apart in my emotions regarding my mom's death as I was on the day of her death, I just am not overtaken by my grief as often now that she has been gone almost 1 and 1/2 years now. It is always there, and I can, and do, cry at the drop-of-a-hat sometimes -- most times. But, I do feel like my mom would want me to keep living life, and doing my best -- so I keep trying to live the way she lived (enjoying life), utilizing the lessons she taught me. I am so Blessed and grateful that my mom and I created a relationship that I will treasure every moment of my life. That cannot be taken away from my soul. When I am in need of comfort, I think of my mom, and picture myself hugging her -- and try to feel her holding me as well. Sending my best wishes to you, with great thanks for your understanding.

Had a dream... I was driving in my parents car. I was in the backseat. My dad was driving and my mom in the passenger seat (as was usual). We were on a very scary road, and my dad was driving very fast. I was scared, and told him to slow down. That was the whole dream (minus some visual scary road details). What was SO wonderful, was to be in the presence of my mom's "energy" again -- even if it is in my dream. It's like, I can feel her, and remember how she kept my family in line. My dad wanted to please my mom, so, by me saying to him "slow down" in my mom's presence, he would listen, as not to upset her. Yes...it feels I am on a scary road, going too fast, without my mom here to help. And, at the same time, I feel like I live every moment with my mom right by my side, still guiding me. But I miss her here with us SO badly!!!

Hi Pugmom1 - Please accept my condolences for your father's passing. My mom died on May 12, 2011, and even though I also saw her health declining, I felt that I should have been (or felt) more "prepared" for her passing, and was very hard on myself for feeling as I did. By reading the posts on this website, I see that I really couldn't be prepared for what has become a total change in my life, by not having my mother here with me (as she was my most trusted and insightful friend). I will never know comfort and true love like hers again. Stll, since I have been reading what other people on this site have been through, I see that, in a way, I was really more "prepared" than one who lost a loved one suddenly (like in an accident). I can only imagine how horrible that is. It doesn't change the outcome that our loved one is gone from this planet, but, at least I had time with my mom during her illnessnes. It is so soon after your father's passing. Please be gentle with youself and your emotions in the coming months. Your loss deserves grieving. I have found writing on this site to be very helpful, and hope that it helps you too. With my support (and all the others that read your post) -- who feel (and know) your loss.

Hi Kay, I give you tons of credit, and admire your determination regarding the care of your mother. I also have to commend you for still going to a restaurant with your mom. My dad is becoming more and more of a stressor for me. I am getting more anxious about being in public with my dad, because his behavior is selfish and unpredictable (he is also loud, rude, very messy and spits food everywhere -- as his opinion NEEDS to be heard, whether he is chewing or not). Now that my mom has passed, my dad is hurdling through his life without his wonderful wife helping him to be tolerable. My dad is a complicated man, who is "perfect, just as he is" (according to him). It's like a kitten looks in a mirror and sees himself like a lion. You'd think this would be a good trait of self-confidence -- but -- it's not. He has always shown narcisitic tendencies, and has always overcompensated for his insecurities with his personal bravado. He changed the course of my life when I was 3-years-old by disliking the introverted and shy child that I was, and, by verbally abusing me, I changed to be someone who he preferred. Yes, all children tend to want to please their parents, but, this was different. Thankfully, as I got older, I realized that I did not need to please him, and that was enlightening and freeing to me. I love and adore him, I just don't really like him, and his ways. Funny, as close as I was, and as much as I loved my parents, I never had an agreement with them, or myself, to keep them out of a nursing facility. I don't know if this makes me a bad person, but, maybe, since I have no children, I don't expect anyone to take care of me when I am older, as there is no one (if my husband passes before me). So, even though I know that I am a nurturing person, when the time comes, unless my sister has a different feeling, my dad will need to be in assisted living (if it gets to that). Living a long life is great, if you are healthy. Dying a quick and unexpected death is so deeply shocking for the surviving loved ones. So -- what's the best way to leave this planet? Yes, helping my dearly departed pets cross the rainbow bridge seemed much more humane. This is all too confusing, and nothing I have any control over anyway -- these are just the thoughts that cross my mind. My life feels like I am under a speeding train roaring over my head -- and I can't stop it. I just have to calm myself down, make any necessary changes I can, and then, adjust to it. I am keeping my strength, as best I can, along with you, and remembering your advice to take it day by day (or minute by minute). Sending my deepest wishes for a smooth transition to a care facility for your mom -- and that you can have some more peace in your life.

Hi Dcolb - I can feel your pain in your writing -- and in your poem. My mom died May 12, 2011, and my brother died February 27, 2008, and the pain in my heart is still so raw and so deep, especially for the loss of my mother, who was my very best friend. You have been through so much heartache, and for a longer time than I have, so, unfortunately, I don't have any advice to share with you. Just please know, that you are in my heart and in my thoughts.

Hi Kay, and thank you for your post. I wrote in one of these posts that I didn't know what fell under "grief" anymore, and didn't want to abuse the website, so, Behaviors in Bereavement seemed like a better place to post than Loss of a Parent or Grandparent?!? Funny, I thought opposite from what you thought, that since I am past the beginning stages of grief and numbness, that I no longer should post in Loss of Parent or Grandparent, and switch to Behaviors. I tend to read the new posts in all categories, but realize that the Loss of Spouse or Partner and Loss of Parent or Grandparent get the most reads. There is so much support in the Loss of Spouse or Partner section, and members do keep writing about their ongoing experiences of living after their loved ones death -- like a support group -- not just around grief. You are very right -- that even though I am writing about my current life stresses, the biggest problem I am experiencing is not having my mother, my very best friend, here on the planet anymore, and that I don't have anyone to turn to. As I have written, my husband is a great guy, and will listen to me -- but -- it's just not the same (and I don't expect it to be). Thank you for your interest and support in the purchasing of our house. Found out yesterday, that the appraisal will support the loan. They don't tell you what the house is actually worth -- just if it is worth lending the money we bid. Now...to actually GET the loan we were pre-approved for. The last hurdle. I must say, I almost feel my mother around me, helping me handle all that is happening. It's comforting, and I think I need to let that feeling nurture me more. George sounds like he was a very special man, and had his male/female sides very attuned and balanced. Was the mother-in-law you refer to George's mother? If so, then, maybe that is where he got it from. Thank you, Kay, for finding my Free Fall topic, and helping me to know that, even though we don't physically know each other, online -- I have friends that care, like you, that find what I write, and write back with words of understanding and encouragement. It's a different safety net than I am used to, but a safety net, just the same. Your writing means a lot to me -- not just what you write to me -- but what you reply to others as well. You are a very special soul.

Hi Laskew, Please accept my condolences for the loss of your Grandmother - your everything. She sounds like a strong and wonderful woman, who has been through a lot in her life. My mom died on May 12, 2011, and she also was my everything. Our circumstances are different, in that my mother (grandmother and brother) all died after having illnessnes. I don't have the experience of having one of my loved ones die suddenly, and I can only imagine how horrible and difficult this must be. I am a survivor of a head-on, near-death car collision in 1986, and realized then that any moment could be our last. Every time I say goodbye to a loved one, I am careful not to take it for granted. That is the gift -- along with my life -- that I got out of that accident. Anyway...I think you are right that having time at a loved ones' sick bed, and having the time to come to terms with their ultimate end on this planet makes it easier for the survivor. Interesting, how most people usually say they'd rather die suddenly, and not languish with an illness -- that is, of course, after a very long life. Now that I know how the survivor feels, I'm not sure what to wish for. As you wrote, "It's crazy to prefer one way of dying to another because in the end they're still gone...". So true. Please forgive me for rambling. I am feeling a bit scattered, but wanted to write to you. I know what it is like to be needed, and have nothing to give. I hope you get a therapist that is perfect for your needs. If you already know this, please forgive me (again), but, maybe there are hospice counselors that can help you sooner? Our small town hospital offers this service, and maybe yours does too. Just a thought. Sending you comfort and strength.

Hi Too many losses, Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother, and also for the many losses you have been through. Wow -- so many loved ones to grieve in such a short span of time. I cannot imagine your level of upset. My mother, who died on May 12, 2011, was also my best friend, and I have been having a very difficult time adjusting to my new reality of life without her (and my dear brother, who died 4 1/2 years ago). All I can say is to be gentle with youself, feel what you feel (don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise), and get whatever support you can. I know, for me, I feel SO much better when I write-out what I am going through on this website. Whether I get a response from anyone or not, I just feel better after writing out my pain and frustration. My heart goes out to you, and I wish you comfort and strength.