Miss Ngu

Haven't written in a while. I check the site daily, but haven't had much time to write. And, as others have also written, I still really wish this wasn't my reality -- my life without my mom -- and being on this site reminds me of that reality. Still, I need to be here to write-out my pain. And I am so Thankful for this site, with such wonderful and caring people. My life became a series of interruptions. I felt that I couldn't have my own thought for more than a few minutes before my husband or father needed to tell me something -- anything -- everything!! I have to honor myself, and realized that I don't want to live my life this way. My "work" in this life is to keep it simple, keep the faith, and love. Much more of a spiritual path than a path of accumulating "things". I need to remind my loved ones that I have my own path that I have to live, and to check to see if they really need to communicate every last detail to me. I then said to them, that if I were to communicate my every thought, they wouldn't be so happy. Whew -- it's exhausting. My dad's health, Thankfully, is much better. He is back to being "my father the flirt" -- and embarrassing me and my sister terribly. I'm still very uncomfortable when he asks my advice about a woman he is trying to date -- and there have been a string of them. I am trying to remember that this too shall pass, and that I am happy his health is better. My husband and I are in the process of purchasing a house. Yes...now I have this stress to deal with. It's exciting, don't get me wrong, but, I have so many things that I'd love too (NEED to) talk to my mother about. I feel so lost and scared without her here, and am, again, feeling the desperate need to call her. I do know that she is with me, in spirit. For instance, when we first went to the house we are purchasing with our realtor, the keys didn't work, and after driving an hour, we thought we wouldn't even be able to go inside. After 10 minutes of my husband and the realtor wrestling with the keys and locks -- they walked away, and I walked up to the door, and the handle just turned -- and we were inside. The looks on their faces were priceless. I think the realtor thought I knew how to break-in, or that I used magic, or something. Also, the very first bid we gave was accepted by the seller. No haggling at all. Anyway...I view them as little miracles my mother is performing. I am a person who enjoys healing with gemstones and crystals. Something happened with a pink fluorite wand that I was holding. I was having a particularly difficult day, and put the wand next to me. When I went to pick it up, it had broken in two. Usually, I would be so upset that my gemstone was broken, but, when I picked-up the pieces, I said to my husband, "it broke, so I don't have to". It was a perfect break, and I glued it back together -- as I am trying to mend my broken heart, and come back together to feel like a whole person again. Still have to go on a long trip to visit my aging in-laws as soon as we can. I don't need more stress in my life, and I really hate to travel, but I know that they, too, shall pass, and I need to support my husband during his parents' golden years. Money fears, dad fears, travel fears, buying a house fears, selling our current house fears, packing, moving, painting, cleaning... -- and my mother is gone. On my own here, and trying my best -- while feeling quite overwhelmed.

Hi Kay, I read your post, and it sounds like you are doing what needs to be done for you mom. After all you have been through with her, you are still standing by her, with sympathy and empathy, and for that, you will be more able to live with yourself and your decisions when she passes (in my opinion). Stay strong... (enna -- I love that song!

Hi AnnC - Please accept my condolences for the tragic loss of your brother. My dear brother died 4 1/2 years ago due to drug and alcohol abuse. I miss him so much, as do his children (and grandchildren - who he never met). Your loss is so recent, so, yes, as you wrote, I agree -- you are in the "shock" phase. Please know that I read your post, and hear your pain. Life is so fragile and precious -- and unfair. Sending my thoughts and prayers to you at this difficult time.

Hi Sandusky - Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother. My mother, who died May 12, 2011, was my best friend, and life is very different without her here on the planet. It has only been two weeks for you, and your mom passed so suddenly. Our situations are very different, but, please know that my heart goes out to you. You have a lot on your plate with a 2-year-old and a baby on the way. For me, I can't help but feel what I feel -- when I feel it. If you aren't "going there", then, maybe it's a safer defense mechanism for you at this time. I don't know?! I just want you to know that I read your post, and you are in my thoughts and prayers. Wishing you comfort and strength.

Hi Niamh -- I was just wondering how things were going during your visits to the cemetary? Are the car break-ins still happening? Hoping that there has been a good resolution to this problem. My best to you always!

Hi Aquarius7 -- I totally get it -- that nobody gets it!! I also feel very alone and abandoned by my friends and family. It is truly a horrible feeling. My mom, also my best friend, left this planet May 12, 2011, and I know that life will never be as sweet as with her here with me. Somehow, I keep waking up in the morning, and need to find something to be happy about. If I let myself always feel miserable, it just gets worse. Realigning my thoughts to the more positive side is the only thing I can do, or I will be more and more bitter -- and who, really, wants to be around that! I am not as "genuine" as I would like to be -- but -- not many people seem to be able to handle the truth, I have found. I also have to monitor how resentful I am feeling towards those in my life for their lack of support, and to take a chance and be gently honest with them, to keep the resentment manageable, and to honor my true feelings. Writing on this site, and receiving the understanding and support from wonderful people like yourself remind me that I am NOT alone. I may not know you personally, but you are here for me -- and I am here for you -- along with many others on the path with us, and we're not tired of listening. My heart is with you.

Thank you for your posts: Kay - Thank you for your support. I truly appreciate it. I have gotten a little bit of a respite these last few days. Actually got a full day with no workmen -- and -- my dad was able to be at his apartment alone. I remembered to breathe and relax. I also found that, for me, my anxiety is accumulative. What I mean is, even after a nice, peaceful day on my own, all that has to happen is a phone call from my dad to snap me back into stress. Yes, I have a bit more patience from having some time off, but, just the phone ringing itself gets me irritated. Shows me that there isn't really enough "recovery" time for me to not be triggered so rapidly. I'm not sure I am explaining this correctly. It's like...where I live...it rains A LOT (about 150 inches per year - no kidding). It can get on your nerves. Then -- a sunny day comes along -- maybe even two -- but when that rain starts up again, it's like it never stopped. Anyway...thank you again for your understanding and comfort -- and your wonderful (((hugs))). Niamh - You are always so helpful to me, and I am very thankful to you. Knowing that we are trudging through together gives me more strength knowing I am not alone. It is sad that we are aligned in these feelings, but so comforting to be able to be honest SOMEWHERE -- and to be understood and feel cared-for. I really want to feel happy again. Happiness might not ever feel like it did without my mom here, but, I would like to be less stressed-out and feel some sense of true happiness. I will wait for it to evolve, and hope that it does. I am very thankful to have kept most of my sense of humor -- off-beat as it may be sometimes, as it also offers a bit of relief. I also agree that sleep is blissful -- for me -- a little too blissful. I have to be careful not to "check out" and sleep to much, as to avoid life. Waking up to the reality of my best friend (my mother) being gone is still the worst thing about sleeping. Please know that your warmth, love, and hugs keep me going. blujonny - Thank you for your response. I don't know that I always understand what you write, but I am thankful that you take the time to do so. Yes, it is hard to feel the weight of my world on my shoulders, and I don't always have control over what I am feeling, but Thankfully, no matter how I am feeling, I still have LOTS of control over my reactions to things and situations. I think it would be helpful to hear how YOU handle these situations, and give me YOUR insight, rather than telling me how I am feeling. Still, thank you for your thoughts. Now that my dad is a bit more stable (most days), the load on me is currently a bit less. I know, however, that without my mom here, my dad can be quite a handful. I also know that forever (at least this lifetime, on this planet) truly does have an end, and the caregiving ends as well. And then...the missing begins! An acquaintance wrote something beautiful to me about me missing my mother. He wrote, "I also know you have a great deal of your mother in you. Anytime you miss her, take a good look in the mirror. You may find her smiling back at you". Such sweet words. I am proud to be like her, and proud to be her daughter.

I want to run away from my life. All I feel is pressure and anxiety. I am SO sad. I have nothing left to give to anyone. I feel depleted. I want peace and quiet. My marriage, now, is even suffering. I sit in my bathroom and hide, just to get some space. It doesn't help that there is work being done to my house, and being at home is not (currently) a place I can get much relief during the daytime. I just don't have time for myself, and when I do, I'm exhausted. There are people who love life -- I am not one of them. Never was. Always felt that being human was a painful learning experience. Yes, I have been more "positive" in life as well, and can only say that "realistic" is more rational and reasonable to me. I am not really looking for an answer to my troubles -- just needed a place to vent.

Hi Kay, and thanks for your response. I hope the fires that were near you are out, and no longer a threat to you and you animals. I am looking forward to your next post regarding this matter, as my thoughts and prayers go out to you.

I know this won't sound good, and it's just the way life is...but...now that my mother has died, and my 81-year-old dad's health is failing, I realize that I don't want to get too close to too many people. I have no energy to deal with their lives -- and then -- ultimately -- their deaths. Taking care of my dad while he has been ill these past few weeks has been rough (as you caregivers know). If I continue to outlive him ('cause you never know when you time is up on the planet), I still have my husband to take care of and love -- until -- possibly taking care of him (like I did when he broke his back 5 years ago). This caregiving work is exhausting. I hate to admit it, because I know that it's important to me to take care of those I love, but I am Thankful that I don't have too many people that I will need to do this for.

Funny...when my dad originally was looking for companionship after my mom died, I was so uncomfortable with even the thought of this. Now that it has been over a year since my mother's passing, I have really changed my thinking on this subject. I have seen my dad ask out many women, only to be turned down by most. My dad really IS 81 years old, even though he thinks he is 60. Anyway, these past two weeks, he has been experiencing bad back pain (sciatica). He can still get around a bit, but has pain (and is walking with a cane for extra support). He looks like such an old man. Also, he is taking medications that change the tone of his voice, making it sound thin, higher, weaker and frail. It reminds me of my poor mother's voice in the months before she died. So -- now that he is suffering from this pain and losing some weight (because food has no taste, he says, because of the medications he is taking), I am having flashbacks of my mothers demise, and new fears, regarding my dad's health. So, now I am all for him finding a woman who will love him. I hope this happens for him, as I think his health might be depending on it in some way.

Hi meow269 - yes, I also feel very alone. Since my mother's passing last year (May 12, 2011), my closest remaining relatives are my dad and my sister (my brother died 4 and a half years ago). My husband and cats are my main support group -- and this website (which has been extremely helpful to me). I was single for many years, but had friends, and, mostly, my mom, as my biggest supporters. Now that my mom is gone from this world, my dad is changing to be a man with some personality traits I don't really like too much, but I still do love him. My sister (who is ten years older) and I were never close, as I desired us to be, and she is quite clear she doesn't want to take on a motherly role to me (and I wouldn't want her to). My friends have mostly disappeared. So -- not much support there. It has been an eye-opening time, and a lonely one. I am adjusting to my new world -- but not really enjoying it. You sure have been through a lot with your family, and I am sorry that it has to be that way for you. Your statement, "All my actions were intended to do right by his wishes, not for selfish reasons", says it all. You can live with yourself and know you did your best. Others on this site (like Ron B.) have had some similar problems with their families, and maybe reading some of their posts will help give you some insight. No -- we are not alone -- because now, we have each other, and other supportive people grieving right along with us. Wishing you peace and strength.

Hi niamh, You sure said it, "I'm So disillusioned by people" - my truth as well -- well MOST people, that is. I am so sorry that your peaceful time at the cemetary has been violated. What to do? I'm sorry, I don't have any suggestions, other than calling the police, cemetary owner, Counsil/Assembly member in your district, newspaper/radio station...and ask them what they think you should do. Lots of work, I know. Is this happening only in the late evenings -- or any time of the day? Maybe going a bit earlier is safer? You once wrote about losing the innocence of life. This is a sad truth in many regards.

Hi leftturn61 -- to answer your question, for me...being good to myself looks like me: eating well, sleeping as best I can, exercising (even though I don't really want to), getting a massage, meditating, helping someone, accepting where I am in my feelings, living up to my obligations without complaint, feeling good that I spoke kindly to my loved ones and the people I encounter, not letting my negativity get the better of me, and keep my thoughts as positive as I can. Also, forgiving myself when I don't do these things. I have faith that you will find what works for you as well.

Hi leftturn61, and thank you for your post. Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mom. I wish you courage and comfort as you allow yourself to grieve. I am sorry to see that you are also experiencing physical pain as well. It sounds as though you have been through a lot, and got to the better side. I'm sure your mom was proud of you. Yes, feeling alone and without purpose is familiar to me as well. Seems like my purpose in life is to get through each day, do my best, and keep love in my heart and in my words. I can't handle too much right now. I can go into panic attacks pretty easily. I feel fragile. I need to accept that I feel this way, and go with it -- instead of fighting against it. It's just the way it is for now. I have kept my obligations, and am Thankful to have been able to, but, I have also been less social -- and quite happy to be at home. It's like I don't have much strength to deal with the world, and other peoples' energies too much right now. Thankfully, my husband is ok with this as well. I will offer you the same advice that was offered to me here on this site: take it one day at a time, sometimes minute-by-minute, and don't think too far into the future -- and remember to take care of yourself. It feels tough, but we can do it. My heart goes out to you.

Hi Susan, Yes...emptiness. That is a good word for it. I am also just over one year without my mom here on the planet. You wrote the words, "changed me ... taken something away" -- you bet!! I am trying to get used to this new life, while also making some adjustments in my communications with friends and family. Any enjoyment I feel, also feels different. My original topic here was, "So many changes -- Mom's death changed everything". True then...and true now. I sure wish I enjoyed "change" more. Yes, even after a year, I still can't believe it. I try not to let myself feel my fears for too long, and hold-out-hope that I will truly feel joy in my soul once again. It makes sense to me to be in such depths of loss and pain after losing my dear mother. Now, not to let it consume me, and (somehow) have it teach me to go on and enjoy life, like my mother did after the loss of HER mom. Although, she said she always missed her mother. I now know more of how she felt. I also feel my self-esteem can be shakier without my mom here in my corner. No safety-net, no real comfort, no unconditional understanding, no one's opinion I trusted more, etc. I am more on my own. It's scary. Like I'm a baby. I guess, in a way, I am. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa Yeah...could be hormones making you feel worse as well. I wouldn't discount this (I will be 51 this year). I also try not to use this as an excuse for my bad behavior, but at least I am aware of my body, being careful with my words, and not lashing-out at my husband, and making matters worse. I miss my mom so much. Going on without her is very challenging. My best to you Susan, and good job taking such good care of yourself!!

Hi Niamh, I want to thank you for your post. I have really been thinking things out, regarding my conversations with my friends. Now, instead of accepting their silence or changing of the subject when I talk about my life now that my mom has gone, I will ask them to comfort me, and stay in the (uncomfortable) topic just a while longer, and be there for me. Yes, you are right, not only do people need to be aware of the process of loss and grief, they (we) also need to really listen, and help those that we call friends. I am very aware of just how long the (one-sided) conversation goes on, before I am then asked, "Oh...and how are you?" -- only to then say how I am -- and then be met with silence or a change of subject. Well -- no more. I am handling my new communications like I am taking a life class. There is no real need to be "brutally" honest -- but -- honesty can be spoken well -- and I will try my best. I am looking out for myself more, trying to expect less from others, and working on being ok with my new self. Thank you, so much, for the wonderful support and insight -- and especially your sweet heart and ((hugs)). You are a Blessing to me. Hi Morganrothmommy, Thank you for writing! I am both happy, and sad, that you can relate. It is sad that our beloved mothers are gone from the planet, but, at least we find that we are not alone in our feelings. Please accept my condolences for the loss of you dear friend, your mom. My mom (and grandmother) were such wonderful women. No one could ever understand and love me as much. I am very lucky to have had their love. I so can relate to feeling such a need to bond tightly to loved ones -- and then -- the opposite feelings of feeling so smothered and needed, that I can get lost in everyone else's needs, and get angry that I have no time for myself. Yes, stiking a balance is important, but you are SO fresh into your grieving process. I was just numb for so long after my mom's death. I do know that when I let my meaner side emerge and speak in harsh tones and saying mean things, I just feel worse about myself after, and I also get a lot less understanding from those I am seeking it from. So, as I wrote above, I need to be able to tell my truth, without being brutal. Still, again, this is just so new for you, and I am sorry. Be gentle with yourself -- and with those you love -- as best you can. Missing my mom, and being on this planet without her, will take a while for me to get used to -- if I ever do. Going on without her hurts in its own way, but, life does go on, and we have to keep up, somehow. Our mothers wouldn't want us to be in so much pain, but, feel what you feel, and then, minute-by-minute do the best you can. Wishing you comfort and strength.

Hi Niamh, and thank you so much for your post. It really made me confused -- which is good -- keeps me thinking. So...it seems all this time, the only advice I have received, or seen, is to let my caring(?) but silent friends and family off-the-hook in giving me any comfort or understanding whatsoever, because they are uncomfortable. And now, I see your post (which totally made me cry, in that I felt so understood by you!), especially when you wrote, "if you can't talk with me about my feelings, I really don't want to hear about you and your life", that maybe I should keep re-defining what I am looking for in my friendships. What you wrote is EXACTLY how I feel. For me, I haven't always been able to relate to what my friends are going through, but I think I have always been able to just listen and, at least give them a chance to vent. I usually have a follow-up question, or stay engaged in the conversation. I am worth that as well. So -- what you wrote makes me re-think, once again, what I want, and what I will accept. It is also very sweet that you'd want to share your wonderfully caring friends with me. I am happy they are there for you! I feel like a failure in the choices of the friends I've made throughout the years. I think this has been upsetting me more and more each day. I take responsibility for this, as I chose these people as my friends, and thought I had chosen a better support group. I let them talk to me about their lives and problems, and always made time for them. I am really changing when it comes to what I am willing to give to those that don't have the same to give to me. I do tend to lean toward the people-pleasing side, so I have to watch-out that this doesn't create an inauthentic imbalance -- I can't allow that pattern to go on -- it obviously hasn't worked. So...now it was your turn to remind me that it is ok to feel what I feel. Thank you. Knowing that you can relate to what I wrote helps me so much. Your words, comfort, and hugs are thoroughly appreciated. My best to you!

Hi Marty, and thank you for your reply and input. It really means a lot to me, and helps me to know I am not alone while I am feeling so much pain during this time in my life. Yes, I will remember that a hospice counselor is always a phone call away --thanks for this reminder. Again, I am very grateful to you and to those I've connected with on this website.

How embarrassing!! When a friend or family member finally seems to want to talk about how I am REALLY feeling, I get, like, one sentence in to my truth, and then they are finished with the conversation (by either ceasing texting, going offline, or totally changing the subject). Do I ask them, then, if we can discuss my topic a bit more (haven't tried this one yet), or are they showing me they are too uncomfortable? Either way, I am silenced and truly unknown to them. I try to cover-up the embarrassment I feel (in that I would even TRY to really share with them), with whatever humor I can muster in the moment. I am alone with my pain, and getting more angry with people. So I thought I'd write. Will try dancing some of my pain out, and then some meditation today. I have to get through this.

Hi Spika, I don't really know what to write to you, but I can relate to some of what you said. My 81-year-old father starting "checkin out" women about 8 months after my mom died. Of all of the changes I have had to go through since she left this planet, dealing with my dad's newfound bachelorhood has certainly been one of the toughest. It has taken me 5 months to not feel sick when I think about or discuss my dad's future -- with a new woman. This is all new territory. Still, for me, I'd rather feel totally uncomfortable regarding the situation than remove myself from my dad's life, and knowing what is going on with him. At least that is how I feel today. My hairdresser said to me that my dad is looking to replace his wife of 60 years, because he enjoyed his life with her so much, he is hoping for another partner for his remaining years. And, if he didn't enjoy the years he had with my mom, he wouldn't be as anxious for female companionship. Eh -- it sounds good, but, it's still hard to deal with. I don't know how this will feel once he finds a woman to spend time with, and a lot will depend on how it is presented to me (and not pushed onto me). I'm sorry if I am wrong here, but, in reading you prior posts, it sounds like your mother found a man (other than your biological father) who you loved and loved you. Some of that actually sounds promising to me. I am hoping that I not only can deal with my dad's new partner (whoever she turns out to be), but allow her into my life. I hope he chooses well! I realize, Spika, that you are much younger than I am, and that our sitations are different, so, I hope I am not offending you. I hope your communication with your mom gets better. I know it can be so difficult to just speak from the heart, and not get wrapped-up in the emotions. As I wrote, I don't really know how to support you, other than to let you know that I read your post, and that my heart goes out to you.

I wrote a while ago in another topic that I had a dream which included my mother. I had the dream analyzed by someone I knew. The dream was: In a dark office, there is a man sitting behind a desk. My mother and I are sitting in front of the desk on a sofa. We are hugging each other and crying, comforting each other, because of the death of my father, her husband. In reality: My mother died last year (May, 2011). Odd to dream of the incorrect deceased parent!? Here was his response: Interesting dream. I haven't known quiet what to think about it. The dark office would be deeper subconscious compartment. Do you fear your father may die as well? How is his health? Who was the man behind the desk, what did he feel like? Has your father changed since her death? How did you feel in this dream, and when you woke? How was it seeing your mother again? How is your dad without his wife? He may be dead to her in his living? This is what I wrote back to the dream analyzer: To answer some of your questions: Yes, I guess I do have more fear around my fathers's (future) death -- now that I know the pain of what it is like to have my mother off of the planet. His current health is ok, Thankfully. My parents were married for 60 years, and my father is now very lonely, and is very active in finding a woman for companionship. I am having a hard time dealing with this aspect of my dad's newfound bachelorhood, even though I ultimately know a partner would probably keep him healthier, live longer, and make him more happy. My dad can be a handful. He is very self-absorbed, and loves himself greatly (and his family, too). My mother used to "nudge" him to shut-up to help keep his ego in check -- but -- now she is gone and his words and behavior can be kind of upsetting to me. Still, I love him dearly. It was wonderful seeing my mother in the dream, and I was so happy to be with her. But then, moments into the dream, I realized that it was incorrect, and that my mother was the one who passed. I was just so happy to hold her again, even though it was confusing. Then...I woke up -- and was so happy to have been with her -- but, confused as to why I would dream of the wrong parent dying. I would SO like to extend my enjoyment with her in my dreams, but it seems that I get the thought (too rapidly) that, "oh -- this isn't real -- she's dead" -- and then the dream is over. I wake up happy to have seen her (as it feels so good to be with her), but then so sad at the reality that she is dead. The man behind the desk was a doctor in a white lab coat. He was looking at a paper, and was pretty emotionless. The sofa my mother and I were sitting on was lower down than the desk, so, I thought maybe it was an "authority figure" type of person in my dream? As I read the last statement, "He may be dead to her in his living" -- this is very insightful, and thought-provoking. Good work!! Thank you for this, especially. I need to think about this more. Makes me think I am angry with him for moving on from her, as I am sad that she seems "dead to him, in his living". Also, helps me to think that, in a way, he is dead to her -- since she is no longer physically here with him as well. So -- what do I get from all of this? Still figuring it out.

I need to write...I am feeling so alone. Calling a friend, talking to my husband, playing with my cats, going for counseling, all have been tried. Breathing deeply, walking in nature, gardening, cleaning, singing, screaming, helping others, etc. -- nothing is bringing me relief right now. The grief I am feeling has to be acknowledged. It feels like it is changing, again, to something, again, I never could have imagined. Missing my mother, after 13 months of her passing, has me living in a new reality that I just don't like. That's the truth. There is no relief. Nowhere to run -- and nowhere to hide. I have been working extra hard to behave well towards my husband, father, family and friends. I keep my real truth to myself anymore. There is no reason to release it to anyone, as I don't feel better afterwards, as the opinions that are felt by those to whom the truth is told, creates stigmas that I'd rather not have to be viewed through. What does feel better, at least to those around me, is that I have been remaining as calm as possible, with a positive attitude, to diffuse others' upsets (either upset with me, or, whatever...). It's like, verbally, I am the voice of reason. Inside -- my true feelings are very aware that I am not receiving much of this "unconditional love" that I am trying so hard to give. I am giving out as much love as I can for different reasons. Mostly, because I feel that that's what I am here to do in my life (to diffuse angry energy and to infuse loving energy into the world). And, if it's true you get what you give, then I guess I am not willing to take any chances (even though this mantra doesn't quite show-up in life as "fair" - seemingly). I used to have more love to give, as my mother was there to listen and to know the real me, and her words always refreshed and enlightened me, and filled me back up. It was wonderful to feel understood and truly loved through anything -- even when she was talking some sense into me. I hate to whine -- but -- I just need to write-out my grief. What I feel inside is so different than what I show, as positive people are much more uplifting to be around. Every minute that goes by is another minute that feels so lonely and distant, and different from anything I knew. I miss my mom so much -- it hurts!

Hi Aquarius7, and thank you for your post. I agree with you about not making huge changes while grieving, and, if I wasn't married, I wouldn't. It's funny (and not so funny...), our bid on the house probably has fallen through (as another buyer is willing to pay cash - which we don't have, we got a loan) -- but -- right after we find this out, my husband says to me, "Well, maybe now we can go and visit my family". To me, all I hear is going from one stress (the house) to another (traveling...leaving the cats...) -- but -- I am happy to finally be married -- and to a man I really get along well with -- so, I want to make sure I compromise. Life goes on even though I am still deeply in shock at my new life without my mom here. I also agree with you that I'd rather not create regrets if I can avoid them. Thank you for these reminders, and for your input. I had a dream last night that I was talking to my mom on the phone. It was GREAT!!! Heard her voice and got "that feeling" of being with her. Then...in the dream...I remember thinking how wonderful it is to be able to talk with her, and how I never wanted to take this for granted. Then again, in the dream...I started remembering that she died...and then I woke up. So happy -- and then -- so sad. Oh well...onward...on the roller coaster...through the fog... My best to you, Aquarius7 - with much appreciation.

Hi Marty, and thank you for all of the information you posted. I'm still amazed that there isn't more information on this specific topic, but I am enjoying what you sent. Yes, I can relate to a lot of what the Northrup excerpt shows, and look forward to reading and learning more. Many thanks to you, and your colleagues!