Miss Ngu

Hi - and thank you emptyinside, niamh, and Marty for your posts and support. I really appreciate your responses. To emptyinside - Regarding talking to my husband, yes...I can talk to him about my fears and anxieties, but he is not impartial. So, it isn't as easy. He is a good guy, and we always have been able to communicate. Still, it's hard to explain, but I know you know, that my mom just had the magic words -- or something -- that no one else has. Very special -- and very missed. Thank you for responding to my post -- and so rapidly! Hearing from you made me feel better. To niamh - Your words are always so sweet and comforting to me, and what you write about your Dad sounds so similar to the relationship I had with my mom. I agree, taking it a day (or minute) at a time helps, instead of worrying further into the future. It's all conjecture anyway, and a waste of time thinking about all the "what ifs", and - none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, anyway. It's just that buying a house could be a joy or a nightmare that can last for a while, and I SO don't want to "step in it" - if you know what I mean. My mom was so good at making decisions, and helping me to figure things out - and feel better while going through it. When I calm down, I think about what my mom might say to me. Sometimes, I think I know, and other times, I don't, and then I am sadder. At least you know how I am feeling. It means a lot. Oh Marty -- the cats...the husband...the dad...the house...the hormones...the grief... -- stress and change all around. I don't want to misuse this website, and am confused as to what falls under "grief" at this point, but the understanding and comfort I get from writing on this site helps me so much. Thank you for the article. Yes...I am working on breathing through the rough patches, and keeping my thoughts on the positive side as much as I can (not as easy right now). I am also still exercizing, although I'm not losing much weight (which is frustrating), but moving my body helps me to release some of the emotional pain. I feel like I am tired and depleted -- yet -- others' in my life still want so much from me. My mom and I were so close, and loved each other so much. She helped "fill my heart back up", so I could go back into the world strong again. I knew, no matter what, I couldn't fall far, because she was there. Now it's life without a net -- and I'm supposed to no only adjust, but enjoy each moment as it comes. Oh well...I'll keep working on it -- one minute at a time. My heartfelt gratitude to you all.

I feel frantic, and there is no where to run. My husband and I put a bid on a house today. Of course, I called my dad to tell him. He only wants to hear the good news, it seems, not my fears (he kind of sounds agitated that I even have any). There is no one to tell my fears to now that my mother has gone. The house we currently own is so affordable. The house we bid on today will cost almost double (monthly) from what we currently pay. Another consideration -- how will the neighbors there be? Can I handle the packing, cleaning and moving -- and then -- selling our current house as well? The move will get us closer to where my husband works, and into better weather. I should be happy and excited, but right now, all I feel is scared. No mom to talk to. No friends to call, and certainly no one who will help me like my mother could. I am taking deep breaths, and am trying to keep the panic manageable. What is "meant to be", will work out easily -- and be ok. Right?? Oh dear -- how am I going to make it through the rest of my life without my mom here??

Hi Marty, thank you for your post. Always good to hear from you. Thank you, also, for your help in finding out more about this topic. SO many women must lose a parent or loved one during peri-menopause, and experience the extra-added emotional (and physical) confusion this brings -- don't you think?? I'm so Thankful to be able to come to this site, and connect with you (and others' here), to receive comfort, concern, and understanding, and read information that allows me to gain much-needed insight. Looking forward to seeing what you find out.

Hi Jodi, and thank you so much for your post! Thank you, also, for your surprise at the low response level to this topic as well. I know that people read the posts here more than they respond (even if they can totally relate), but it really is truly special, and feels so good when someone writes back. As an aside...I must say, to those who just read the posts on this website (like I did for months), but don't want to post for fear of loss of privacy, please know that if you are careful with the information you put into your profile, and are careful with how you write you post (not using names or too many specifics), this site has been totally anonymous (which was my reason for originally not signing-up). And Marty is always there, reading every post, and making sure that any possible mean-spiritedness is addressed and diffused. I recommend writing-out, and sharing the pain with those of us who can relate. It takes a lot to figure out what you want to write -- and then -- how to say it, but, it's freeing in a way. Writing, and being in this "community" has helped me a lot, and I am truly Thankful. Ok -- back to the topic... When I think about it, I remember my sister went through missed periods for a bit when she was about 46, then, never got another one after our grandmother died (when she was 47). And, my hairdresser said that she went through the same thing when her mother died (it just stopped). So, Thankfully, I know that this can (and has) happened to other women. I am now 45 days "overdue". This is kind of great -- although -- now, I'm not sure when/if "it" is will come on, and when I might be "fertile" (if that is still happening...). No schedule, so, I can't plan anymore around those days. A whole new experience -- and then -- this too shall pass. New territory, once again, and my mom's not here to talk to. But, Thankfully, I have had a few very nice responses on this site, and also remembered some similar stories. Mood-wise, I once heard a funny line about peri-menopause, "Her moods are swinging like Benny Goodman". This is how I feel. Up and down -- sometimes -- rapidly. It's hard to keep up with my own emotions. My husband is taken-aback when I bust out crying out of nowhere. Grief for my mother -- hormone changes -- who knows?? I have the medication Xanax for the really stressful times, but, it can be very addictive for some. I am not one for antidepressants, and I also don't want to take a pill everyday. I want to feel how I feel, no matter how awful. That's the human experience -- right? But, for the true anxiety-ridden times, I do feel better with the help of a half of a Xanax. If I took the whole pill, it'd be way too much for me. Be careful to anyone reading this if you have an addictive personality, as this medication can become addictive. I go to my doctor every 6 months so he can assess and refill the prescription if I need it. Some people seem to do well on the antidepressants, so, I wouldn't rule it out if you feel that this will work for you. Thank you for asking how the 1st anniversary of my mother's passing went. It was rough (as it was also the day before Mother's Day). Now that almost 2 weeks have passed since, I can say that I feel a bit less upset than I did in the weeks leading-up to her anniversary. It's like a pressure building-up. I feel less of that pressure now, but, obviously, my body is doing different things. The pain is deep, as are the changes (both the changes of life without my mother here, but also the changes that are hormonally happening at this time in my life). Jodi, your post, and words of comfort and concern are very helpful and healing to me, and I thank you.

Hi pastmidnite, and thank you for your post. I really appreciate that you wrote to me. After 53 views to this topic, it is good to know that at least one person knows someone who feels as I do. When I search this topic online, what comes up is the grieving that a woman feels about going through peri-menopause. So, that isn't, obviously, what I'm looking for. I agree with your wife that it is "difficult to know which emotions are triggered or intensified by which thing". Yes...that is exactly how I feel as well. Add it to the mix of the confusion that is my new life (without my mother on the planet). It is very interesting to me (and validating in a way), to see that grief is so emotionally powerful, that it is physically showing-up for me in my body's cycles (from the timing of things). My best to you and your wife, and my condolences for the loss of her father, your father-in-law. Thank you for letting me know I'm not alone. It means a lot!

Hi losthope - Please accept my condolences for the loss of your mother. What you wrote is very heartbreaking, and I want you to know that my thoughts and prayers go out to you. My mother died on May 12th, 2011. She had been in and out of the hospital in the years before her death. In reading your post, I remember all of the decisions that she made, and then we later had to make for her, regarding her health. It always seemed that there were always so many considerations in every option, and all had good -- and lousy -- possible outcomes. There are also the many times that medical errors could have gone unnoticed, if me and my family weren't with her in the hospital every day, and into the early part of every night. My family made the best decisions we could at the time, during the upset and stress. I think there will always be regrets regarding medical matters, as there are always risks involved, whichever way is chosen. Most important, I was with my mom through all she went through, as you were with your mother. So, no regrets there. Regarding friends being there, as I've written in other posts, my long-term friends that I thought would be there for me, pretty much vanished. There were, however, other acquaintance-type friends that showed-up at different times, and gave me lots of comfort. I am still confused and disappointed by my many long-term friends, and don't really know how to go on with them from here, but am very Thankful to those who were there for me. Coming to this website has been very helpful to me. I think my pain is too deep to be comforted, and, my mother was the only one who really knew how to comfort me. I am learning to be patient with myself in learning how to deal with all that has changed (pretty much everything) now that my mother (and very best friend) is no longer here on the planet. I hope that you receive the comfort and understanding that you are looking for. My heart goes out to you.

Well -- I must confess. I don't know what I am doing. All new territory, over here. The other day, I was at my hairdressers (the same one my mother used). I jokingly asked her if my father had stopped by to ask her to dinner (as it seems he is "hitting up" mostly everyone). She chuckled, and said "no". I asked if she would like to go out with him, and, again she said "no". However, my hairdressers 68-year-old sister (who happened to be there at the time) said that she would go out with him. Oh -- ok. I like her sister enough, I think?! And, they both knew my mother (and father), as the sister once helped take care of an elderly man in my parents' apartment building (hmmm...this could come in handy in the future...). So -- I got her phone number, and gave it to my dad. How weird is this?? Another new level. Anyway...my dad picked her up from church yesterday, and they went for coffee. My dad was happy, and told me they got along pretty well. He also thanked me for getting her phone number for him. So...have I gone too far -- or am I progressing well? Only time will tell. I am very uncomfortable -- but -- change is uncomfortable -- right?? Lessons from above, during this lifetime, can be so confusing to me, and hard to decipher which path to take. I am sad, and miss my mother terribly, as she always set me straight. This second year without my mother on the planet looks like it's still gonna be a wild ride -- as might everyday be from now on -- without her here.

I once asked in another post if anyone was experiencing grief while going through peri-menopause. Unfortunately, I got no response. I figured that other women in their early 50's (like I am) might lose their mother (or dearest, closest relative) during this process of change. I then looked online for some more information regarding this topic, and didn't find much. So -- I am sorry if this topic gives too much information, but, I need to write this. If there is "nothing new under the sun", then -- I know I am not alone, and someone else can relate. The hormonal changes that are occurring are all mixed-up with my grief. My mother is not here any longer to help me and comfort me ((tears flowing...)) -- I am scared. Fear can be overcome, I know, but I have never been through such a life-changing event without my mother to help me though it. Ok -- so -- I have never been pregnant. I never got to be a mother (other than to my cats -- not the same, I know). It's not for lack of opportunity, but, my body just never got pregnant. I am both happy and sad about this situation in my life. Never more sad than I am now that my mother is gone, and I am lonely for that mother/daughter closeness (if I were to have been so lucky to have that kind of relationship with my child). I have only been late with my "monthly" three times: when my 57-year-old brother died (a little over 4 years ago); when my mother died (last year - May 12, 2011); and now, during the 1 year anniversary of her death (and this is the longest I have ever been "overdue"). The two pregnancy tests I have taken a week apart both show "negative" results. There is not much information out there to know if any of this is normal. Every woman has gone through this change differently, with different life circumstances altering the commonality of the situation. I am ready for menopause, and to stop having to deal with the monthly situation. No matter, it is still, yet, another grief to go through, and the reminder that I don't have any children -- and -- that my mother is gone as well. As much as I tried to get close to my extended family (sister and brother's kids -- and their kids), I am just the Aunt. Seems the kids would rather type to me on the computer (if even that), as their sweet heads are usually looking down at their phone or game device. Not much closeness (in my opinion), but it seems that's just the way it is. Probably better that I didn't have children... Feeling very on my own here...without my mother...

Well...I made it through the weekend. It wasn't easy, but knowing that I have the support of those I have connected with (and even those I haven't) on this site, really helped me get through it. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. When people asked what I was doing for Mother's Day, I tried out different things. To one acquaintance, I said (very matter-of-fact), "Visiting my mom at the cemetary". As you can imagine, that didn't go over too well, and the person I was speaking with felt quite uncomfortable. I apologized to him. But, really, that's what I was doing. It was the truth. I am still learning that very few people really can "handle the truth". It's hard enough for me to have this as my truth, so it's no wonder why others' can't deal with it either. Beth - I know it is getting closer to your birthday, and your golf game. Just know that you are in my thoughts and in my heart. Niamh - Reading your sweet, comforting words, and your virtual hug helped me to feel cared about, and that is very welcomed and appreciated. Thank you so much for your post. missingdad - Thank you for your post and good wishes. Like you, I now know (a bit better - I think), what to say to people who have lost a loved one. Live and learn. Glad you liked the positive spin on my lonliness. Gotta deal with this somehow. The death of my mother is something that I don't think I could (or should) "recover" or "move on" from. It's a horribly scary new start, and living on the planet without her changes everything. I just have to go on from here. Grief is so difficult. I am very Thankful for this website and the wonderful people here.

Hi Beth, I agree with you -- that "pick up the phone, and call" thought is a tough one, because the memory that we can't is right behind it. The pain in my soul, and the longing for my mother is as fresh and harsh as ever, as is the loneliness. How could I have thought that I could have prepared for this? When I first started writing here in November (6 months after my mother died), I was hard on myself for not being better prepared for the changes that would occur when she died. I wasn't even in reality that my mom was dying. How could I trust myself when I obviously went into such denial? Now, I guess, I learned that we are just human, and can't prepare for the depth of these changes. Being lonely from losing the truest of friendships with my mother is completely understandable. Being lonely from the comfort that I thought my other friendships held in my life is another thing altogether (since I feel "ditched" by most of my long-term friends), and I still don't know how to handle this aspect. I put a lot of my time, energy and love into people I thought might also be able to be there for me. Didn't happen. Maybe my loneliness can be viewed in a positive light, in showing me how truly special and Blessed my relationship with my mother was?!?! No one else can compare. Such a beautiful memory -- my mother and I truly became best friends. Thank you, also, for your posts. It helps so much to have support, comfort, and understanding. As we have found out, these things are precious and hard to find.

Hi Beth, Thank you so much for your response. Your comforting words mean a lot to me. You are right, I need to think about happy memories with my mother. My memories, this past year, have mainly been ones from the last year of her life (as her health was, sadly, worsening). I haven't been able to think further back (about the good times, or even the troubled times [like my teenage years]) with my mom without it hurting too much. Lately, however, I am noticing that I can let those memories in a little bit more, and it feels good to remember. Still, the pain isn't too far behind. The pain is that I just miss my mother SO much. I know you can understand this. I'm crying a lot today, but I'm just going to let myself be where I am. My mother is worth crying for. Knowing that you will be pulling for me this weekend will help me get through it, and I thank you.

Hi Beth and missingdad, I truly agree with both of you on the lonely aspect of grief. I'm getting more used to the silence, but it's another reality of grief that I didn't expect (as I've written in previous posts). I don't have my closest, dearest friend (my mother) to talk to anymore, and most of my friends don't call anymore. Lots of loss -- and lessons. This has been such a difficult time, and the only place I turn to is this website, which has been very helpful to me (and to which I am also very Thankful). It's challenging, but I must remember that my mother would understand my sorrow, but would also want me to remember to be happy. Thank you both for your posts. I can share this pain with you, and I don't feel as alone.

With my mother's 1st year anniversary of her passing coming up on Saturday, I am feeling such overwhelming sadness. So many changes this past year. Here's a new one...My husband and I had breakfast with my dad this morning. All was going well, until my dad told me that he had "intimate relations" with my mother's cousin (while he was traveling and visiting family this past March). Ok -- so -- how weird is that? Probably not weird at all, and happens all the time, but it's all new to me -- and to him. I am getting better with the idea of him finding a woman to share his time with, but, it feels like a reality slap in the face at first. I want to run away, but from what? Life? This, too, makes me more of a grown-up, although, I'm not going into this gracefully. Mother's Day is everywhere. There is no hiding from it. Reminder after reminder: on tv, in the stores, in the newspaper. I picked flowers from my yard, and will go to my mother's, grandmother's, and brother's graves with them on Saturday. And cry, as I am now, and miss them. I am my cats' mom. My husband got a great new metal-wire wand toy with a little mouse on the end. They all just love it. It's been a lot of work getting them to tolerate each other. This third cat that we brought into the house reminds me of me. I was brought home to two older siblings (ages 7 and 10) who, not only weren't looking forward to my arrival, but resented the attention that our parents gave to me. So...my two sister cats have to just deal with this new addition, just like my brother and sister had to deal with me. There are no give-backs, and life is about adjusting to the reality of the moment -- and enjoying it, if possible. To missingdad, Thank you for posting, and for your good wishes. I am so happy that you had the gift of a happy, vivid dream with your dad! It's something I wish for. I had a dream with my mom in it, but it was very odd. I was so happy to see her, but, in the dream we were mourning my dad's passing?!? Strange, to me, to be in a dream with my deceased mother, and mourning the wrong parent. Oh well...guess I need a dream analyst for this one. I, also, don't talk about my grief with too many people. The conversation rarely goes where I need, so I don't bother too much anymore. I think I need comfort -- but, there is no comfort for my pain. Still, saying that you don't have a "complete family anymore" sounds very sad to me. This is such a difficult for time for us, and for those who love us. Regarding your grief, and you thinking you should be "over it" by now, after 5 months, I can say (coming up on one year) that wasn't my experience, and it doesn't appear to be the reality for most people on this site. At 5 months, I was just coming out of my fog of denial (like...self preservation from the pain), and just getting into the reality of life without my mother here with me. It seems to me now, that life without my mom on the planet is going to be a day-by-day, minute-by-minute (sometimes) kind of thing. I have never known life without my mom, and you without your dad -- so -- all has changed. You also wrote you are picking up your dad's ashes soon. I don't know what that is like, personally, but I think it would be very reactivating for me. Wishing you, and all who read this, comfort and strength -- and patience with ourselves in our "new" lives.

Hi Sherryann, Please accept my condolences for the passing of your sister-in-law. Also, please accept my apology for not responding to your post. It does feel better to write out some of the pain, but, it can hurt when no response comes. As I have learned, many people read the posts, but not nearly as many write. We are grieving different relatives (as it is my mother who died last year on May 12th), but in losing her physically on this planet, I know how lonely and sad it feels to no longer have my very best friend to share my life with. I still feel the NEED to call her on the phone everyday, but now, I just talk - and cry - to her picture. I miss her so much!! You sure are dealing with a lot of loss right now, and I feel for you. I don't write everyday on this site, but I do read new - and old - posts daily. Just know, when you write -- we are reading. It helps me to know that this pain is normal, and felt by others. My thoughts and prayers go out to you.

Hi lark265, My condolences on the passing of your stepdad. The first anniversary of my mother's passing is coming up on May 12th. She was 78 years old when she died. I have experienced anxiety attacks on-and-off since I was a teen, so, at least I know what is happening, when it is happening. This year, with my mother no longer on this planet, I have experienced panic attacks pretty often. My mother, my "security blanket", is now gone, so, it makes sense to me why I would be more anxious. Such a tough year it has been - very scary and extremely uncomfortable. I work on calming down and relaxing minute-by-minute. Helps me get through my day. I also need to be very gentle and less critical towards myself, as I go through my grief. I have also found that exercizing and dancing help me to release some of my upset. I know this may be a bit off-the-wall, but there is a show on television called "Long Island Medium". The woman on the program "speaks to the dead". I know it is controversial, but, it is a good show. Anyway, she is always telling people that their departed loved ones are safe and ok, and that our loved ones want us to let go of the the guilt and pain that we hold on to. I just wanted you to know that I read what you wrote, and can feel your pain. I wish you comfort and strength -- and calmness. Thank you, Marty, as always, for the information, and care, you share. I truly appreciate the wealth of help from you and these forums.

Hi missingdad, Thanks for posting. Yes, I am already dreading Mother's Day. The first anniversary of my mother's death is the day before. Extra tough weekend! I can remember last year on Mother's Day (which fell on May 8th). My mom was is the hospital. I remember getting her a card and some balloons. Of course we didn't know, but she was 4 days away from her death. Her health was so bad, yet, still, I really don't think it sunk-in that this was to be our last Mother's Day together. Seems crazy when I look back on this now. Just a suggestion, and I don't mean to be upsetting to you, but, if your wife has become "fed up" as you say about your complaining, maybe you could shift the conversation a little towards your friends. Might be an untapped resource. I would suggest you speak with a friend who has also experienced the loss of a parent. I sure wish I had my friends to lean on just a little bit more. I agree that we have to get through this ourselves, ultimately, but some understanding and comfort sure would be nice. Sadly, comfort will never again feel as good as the comfort I got from my mother. I'll have to get used to this somehow (add that to my list). I guess we don't have to really get through this by ourselves -- we may be online -- and anonymous -- but we do all have each other, and Marty, to lean on through our writing. Thank you, again.

Time to write again. Coming up on the first anniversary of my mother's passing. Hard to believe I made it through this year. It's been a numb blur. My grief and depression are getting stronger as we approach the date (May 12th). Thankfully, by reading what other people have gone through and posted, I am not surprised by this. To look back on this year, and see the new realities of my life are really eye-opening. I can try to "spin" my story in a positive fashion all I want, but, it's depressing. That's my view right now. Here are some things I'm getting used to: I am being more guarded and not nearly as trusting as I was when my mother was alive. The way I view people now is so different, and I am protecting myself in a different way. My dad is still very interested in female companionship and keeping busy. He still hardly ever asks how I am doing. My cats are slowly getting used to each other. I am cat referee and counselor daily. Not nearly where I'd like it to be yet. The extra weight I have carried for years doesn't want to go away so easily. My sister, my only living sibling, cares for me very little, I've always been sad about this, but I am realizing there is nothing I can do. I am sad through it all, and not really enjoying life. I am, however, learning a lot. Yes...I feel bad about complaining when I know I am lucky as well, and that other people are struggling way worse. Oh Mom, life was so good with you physically in it. I miss you, and all that you brought to my life, and to our family.

Hi - Please accept my condolences for your dad's passing. My mother passed on May 12, 2011 -- so -- I am facing the first anniversary of her being gone from this life. My mom, also, did SO much for me. What I have learned about grief, was what some others also have also experienced -- the feeling of being numb in the first few months, then, kind of "waking up" to lots of pain in the months following. Regarding anger, I didn't want to make my life any worse, so, I really was (and still am) careful as to what words come out of my mouth. I don't want to create regrets that I have to try to fix. My husband hasn't experienced this type of loss yet (Thankfully), so, he can't really understand how I am feeling, but, he is a good man, and I don't want to drive him away. My pain is so deep that it is really too much for ME to handle -- so -- how could he? I hope you can be gentler with yourself, and accept where you are -- wherever that may be. It feels like I have to get used to a new life. I had "life with mom", and now have "life after mom". I am hoping to honor her memory by making good, thoughtful choices for myself, to have a happy life. She would want that, I know. It's been a real roller-coaster ride. Thank you for posting and sharing some of your pain. It helps me to know that I am not alone.

Cat update... All three cats are still dealing with the process of getting used to each other. I have given them most of my time these past 6 weeks (since I brought the new cat home from her 2nd spaying!). They are loving and faithful companions -- better than most people I know. Ultimately, I know the time I am spending as cat referee will pay off in the end. Another perk...I get to bore everyone with my cat story, for a change. My father, who only wants to talk about himself, can be bored by what I say as well. Passive-aggressive, I know, but it is where I am.

I need to write what is going on...so here goes... Thankfully, my 81-year-old dad had a good trip and made it back home! I'm happy he had a good time seeing family and eating foods that we used to enjoy from that region. Ten months has passed since my mom (his wife of 60 years) died. It has been so confusing dealing with him, and his "new life". He is very interested in female companionship. He tells me there are lots of older widows looking for available men where he was vacationing; he told me of a 35!!!!!-year-old woman (who likes older men, of course...) that he met on the plane, and that he hopes to keep in contact with her; he told me about a woman who lives in his building; and he is always "leering" at women, etc. So, if he is a "dirty old man", does that reflect on me?? (We live in a small town.) Yes, he lived up to his "death to we part" agreement with my mom, but, it is hard to learn who he is, as a man, without my mom's influence, and hard to lose all of my childhood feelings towards him, and all that I have ever known until this point. I know that I can only take hearing about his new "awareness" so much, until it starts to upset me. Regarding the 35-year-old, I told my dad we could adopt her. Nothing like humor to say the truth and show the pain at the same time. I am working on figuring out my boundaries in our conversations and interactions -- with my dad -- and, everyone else I come in contact with as well, and how to communicate the truth without being mean, or masking it in humor. Wish me luck. Again, I thought I would be grieving the loss of my mother on this planet, but, my process is so much bigger. My mom's death changed every little bit of my life, and life sure is going in a different direction. I really want to keep the memories of my life, and the lessons I learned from her, when she was alive; to take the "high road" in dealing with people (for less regrets), to be pleasant...and make life as nice a place to be as you can (why not...you're here anyway...and it's better for your soul...), to be careful who you trust (I needed to pay more attention to this one), to love yourself (be your own best cheerleader) and to love those closest to you. The most important and memorable lesson I learned from her was -- if someone says something in a nasty way (like..."you're not listening to me"), instead of saying something defensive, AGREE with them (like..."yes...you're absolutely right, I'm NOT listening to you"). By agreeing with the person, it throws them off, and sets their ego off as well (as they are now thinking they are "correct"). This keeps me from becoming defensive, and calms the other person down as well. Then, hopefully, some truthful, well-spoken communication can occur. Smart lady, my Mom! Marty, you wrote that I can't help my Dad, when I am a daughter greiving the loss of her mother. This has made me question if I am grieving the loss of my mother at all?? So many other changes are happening daily, that it takes all I have just to keep up (and grieve) these changes as well. So...am I grieving my mom through all of this? I can't say that I can focus on that specifially as much as I probably need to. But, if I can't do this "wrong", I will trust that all is ok... Niamh -- Thank you so much for your post, it means a lot to me! Sad to know that you haven't smiled that deeply in so long. I really can relate to that. My smile can't hide the pain in my heart and tears in my eyes. I'm happy to see that your Dad reminded you also, that it is better to feel how you feel. Such good parents -- and such good daughters we are to have listened to them, and listen, still. I will keep focusing on remembering my strength. Thanks again! It's amazing how much better I feel when I write. Wishing you all love and comfort.

Hi Kim, Please accept my condolences for your Dad's passing. The relationship you and your Dad shared sounds very close and special. It must be SO difficult and complicated dealing with all you are going through, and all the different personalities you have to deal with, with all of your siblings, and your Mom, too. It must be overwhelming. I'm sorry that I don't have any real insight to share with you, but, please know that I read your post, and am thankful to you for sharing what has happenend, and is happening with you. I'm sorry that the reply posts are slow coming, and sometimes, don't ever happen. I have, personally, found that writing what I'm going through and posting when I need to, and reading old posts, are helping me deal with my grief. Ron's posts are always so helpful. I love when he wrote to you, "I no longer trust my own anger. It has caused me real grief. So now when I back down from anger, I feel proud". Very thought provoking, and good advice, as usual. (Thanks Ron!!) Since my Mom died (May 12, 2011), I am deeply saddened, angry, and confused with how my relationships with friends and family have changed so much. I really don't know how to handle this level of change in how I feel about people that I loved and cared for. Just wanted to let you know that I feel for you, and wish you strength and comfort. I never knew the hurt would be this bad either.

Dear Niamh, How wonderful it is to recieve such a warm and understanding response. Thank you. Please accept my condolences on the loss of your Dad. I looked at your profile, and the picture is great. Beautiful smiles. When you wrote, "I hate that I have lost the innocence of life so much" -- I can really relate. Grief is turning out to be so much more than what I thought it was. Losing my mother on this planet is turning out to have a domino effect on so many other things. I can hardly keep up. I hate feeling like a scared little girl, but that is where I am at right now. I know my Mom would want me to feel what I feel -- but -- also to remember to stay strong. Life's lessons can be so painful -- and you just keep rolling along. I don't want to "pre-grieve" the loss of my Dad while he is still here. I can't really prepare for the depth of this loss anyway, so why try? I speak to my Dad everyday, and see him a few days a week, and we also say "I love you" every time. I do this with my husband as well. At least I have learned, like you, to make sure to be complete with my loved ones, just in case that will be our last conversation. Thanks also for the weight-loss congrats and support. I would really like to accomplish my goal this time -- and stay there. I have been holding on to this extra weight for too long. Your response helps me to know that I am not as alone as I feel, and I am Thankful.

Well...here I am with truly no one to talk to -- so -- I'll write. My 81-year-old dad's (far away) trip will start this Tuesday. He'll be traveling for 2 weeks. This will be his first time traveling back to our hometown, and visiting with family, without my mother. He is nervous, but I have been patient with him, and listen to him repeat his "plans" over and over again. I guess I'm upset because the only parent I have left is going far away. I hope he has a great and safe time, and comes back with great new stories (to repeat to me over and over again...). Still, I can't help feeling the way I do. I know I am not being abandoned, he has a return ticket, but you never know when will be the last goodbye, and I'm scared. My husband seems to be less patient these days, so, there isn't as much room to listen to me. Thankfully, I can ask him to listen, and he will, but, I know he has a lot on his mind. I am so saddened by the awareness that no one really is here for me. My mother is gone -- and now -- everyone else is too. I still can hardly believe it. My new world, lonely and without human comfort is not a very good one. How will I survive being this alone, and come to terms with the fact that my friends turned out to be more acquaintances. I am disconnected, with no plans to reconnect. I can forgive, but not forget how I feel, and what a "friend" really can give. Our 3 cats are my best source of comfort and joy. I have enjoyed spending more time with them these past few weeks. The cats are getting along pretty well. I have worked hard to introduce the new one to our existing cats, and am so proud of their progress. Also...my husband and I have been dieting together since February 20th. Eating small frequent meals (lower fat, salt, sugar and carbs) and moving more. I've lost 7 pound so far! Ok -- I am feeling better. Writing sure does help.

Thought I'd bring my grief over to the Behaviors section...since life is all-so-new to me once again... Today is my Dad's 81st birthday, and his first without his wife of 60 years (my Mom), who died 9 months ago. I am not feeling well, but went out to breakfast with him, to see him, and celebrate his day. As we are driving to the restaurant, he says he wants to tell me something, and only I (and my husband) can know. This means...don't tell my sister. Ok -- here we go... he tells me that he went out to dinner with a woman last night. Someone he knows. They had a nice time. Funny, here I am missing my mother while going to a restaurant we would all go to, and now, my thoughts have been shifted rather abruptly. Ok - I am happy that my Dad confides in me and trusts me. We had a nice breakfast, and, on the drive home, even talked a bit about my Mom and brother (who died 4 years ago Feb 27th). I am so torn. I know that my Dad is lonely and primarily wants someone to go to dinner with, so, I know this is all probably a good thing. I am just in such new territory with my conversations with my Dad. I also know that his behavior is normal for some -- and he is not trying to replace my mother. And, I know that my behavior and reactions to what he is saying to me are normal. It's just hard. Good news...I told my Dad that my husband and I were thinking of moving a little further away, and he didn't seem to have much of a problem with it. So, that was a relief. I guess I felt I had the space to tell him something that might challenge him as well (spiteful child that I am). Here's my cat update -- for those who care... The "new" cat came home after her 2nd spay/exploratory surgery and is recovering well in her "safe room" (away from our two "existing" cats). The Veterinarian said that he found some remaining ovarian tissue and removed it, so, she should stop going into heat. We are going to start the re-introduction this week with the new cat and the existing ones. Will go very slowly with the introduction process, and hope that they all can become friends -- or at least tolerate each other in peace. Here's my menopause and grief update... Never got a reply from anyone, so, I guess I am the only woman going through this... No, really, there isn't much info on the web regarding women going through the change of life and grieving the loss of their mother at the same time. It is mentioned as a one-liner in some books and articles, if the writer had that experience, but, not much seems to be written about both of these processes happening simultaneously, even though MANY middle-aged women have mothers who die during this time of their lives. I always feel better after I write on this site. Still working on "enjoying" my new life -- while doing my grieving work. Getting used to no longer chatting on the phone with my friends. Freed-up a lot of time! My husband and I are dieting together -- which is a good thing, I hope. I can keep living through these changes. I will always have my Mom as my #1 cheerleader (I can feel her in my heart). I just have to remember that!!!!

Hi - I could really relate to your post. Our loss is different (as it was my mother who died in May 12, 2011) but the majority of my family and friends have visibly vanished from my life. I didn't expect to be grieving these losses as well. We are truly not alone in this feeling, as many have written before us on this website regarding this situation. So, that was, at least, helpful for me to know. I don't have any suggestions, as I am currently readjusting to this new "abandonment" as well. Just wanted to write to you -- because, not getting a response at this website can only enhance these feelings -- believe me, I know. Seems like the topics are viewed -- but -- most "viewers" don't write back. But -- I know they are there -- as I am. From what I have also read, grieving time might not be the time to make too many big decisions (like -- ending friendships), so, I am just keeping to myself, learning about myself, my expectations and acceptance -- and writing on this website to help my clarify my thoughts. The strength from having my dear mother's love in this lifetime helps me go on. My best to you.