enna

Mary, looks just like you...

so glad that you are getting back on your feet...

schedules can fill quickly and we know you....

I admire your 'one day at a time' commitment...

I'm not making any promises because I keep breaking them. And I'm sure not ready to climb a mountain.

I appreciate my new grief family. Thank you for being always here for me.

Tomorrow is my cardiac stress test and then off to the cardiologist.

Wednesday is my visit to the Pet Rescue Center. Hope a new doggy will find me. My arms will be open. Anne

Jan, I found this on Marty's griefhealingblog this morning and thought you might find it interesting. Anne

http://www.onecandle.net/the-stone-madonna.html

Dear Novi,

What pain and heartache you have had to endure in your young life. I am so sorry for all you have suffered. I so hope that you seek out grief counseling. It will help to sort out all of your feelings with a caring and knowledgable person. It is good that you found your way here. This forum will always be here to support you in your journey. Grief makes us think of all sorts of emotions but if you think that your thoughts of suicide are more than just thoughts please seek counseling to help you through this difficult time in your life.

Peace, Anne

Dear ashley1986,

I have read and re-read your post. I am so sorry for all your pain. I want you to know that you have found a safe place to share your story. Those of us who have found our way to this forum have had the support and love from ones who know what pain is and we find comfort in being here.

I am sorry that you have lost your mom. No words can comfort you at this time but knowing that others are with you will help you dig your way out of all the questions you have. You are so young to be going through all this pain. Through all of your writings I hear all the love and care you have for your mother. We are protected form most of the reality of loss during those early weeks and months. It is how we survive the cruel pain we are enduring. Only later do we start to realize what has happened and then the emotions come. This is all part of grieving. Any emotion you feel is all part of the package. Small steps are what you need to take. Do not allow anyone to tell you how you will go through your grief. Back away from negative people and know that you have support from those who understand right here on this forum. Your mom knows how much you love her. Talk to her, write her a letter, and be assured that she is watching over you. This is what I believe anyway. Peace, Anne

I hear you and acknowledge your feeling about ‘my body has responded to my lifeless heart and doesn’t know what else to do, so illness, pain and depression have found a home’ Deborah. My wish for you is that this ‘home’ you talk about will be very temporary. We all have our timelines in grief. This I am finding to be a very painful reality. I am convinced that the more I focus on being still the more I open myself to that new normal we all hear about when on our grief journeys.

I have a friend on FB and she told me something that I had not thought about before and that is – let grief be your friend. Don’t try to ‘get over’ it. This seems to help me in accepting the fact that my Jim is dead and I do not have to put him away rather I can carry him with me all the time. Jim will not be with me as he was yet he will always be in my being. Jim will hear me when I talk with him. Jim will hear me when I cry and have no words to carry on any conversation. Jim will be right there at the mirror Harry spoke about and tell me that I am beautiful and he would like to see me smile more. Jim will encourage me to express my grief to anyone – don’t bottle it up. Jim will encourage me to grow a new life and know that whatever I do I will do it with the same determination I had when we were soulmates living and breathing on this earth. As simple as it sounds we have to care for ourselves physically, emotionally, and spiritually so we can have the energy to renew ourselves. My wish is that all of us on our grief journeys be compassionate with ourselves. Let’s look in those mirrors and acknowledge the sadness but also see the smiles that we all used to have when our loved ones were alive. Anne

Shannon,

This flu season has been so hard on people. I am so sorry that your husband is in the hospital yet very glad that he is where he needs to be. We have heard that most hospitals are restricting most visitors from their doors.

Please rest and then rest some more. Be strong and know that we are here for you. Anne

Oh, thank you, Marty. Now that I know ALL about Downton Abbey I feel that perhaps I could get into it this season.

I'm so glad that Arlie is inside, Kay. I found myself complaining about our freeze here in AZ, but I really don't have anything to complain about with all the weather around our country.

Mary, I know about your waves. The weekend seems to be the hardest. You are not alone. I seem to become selfish and whinny when the weekend comes because I don't like the idea that everyone has 'things' to do. I really want Jim to be here with me. This will be a hard part of my grieving to accept. Anne

Melina,

I also wish you safe travels. We will all do good to focus on being in the moment. So easy to say yet always a struggle. We will be grateful when Mary gets those links ready for us. I have found since my Jim's death that meditation has become a much more important action in my life. I have found that if I really listen then I learn. I just have a real problem with patience!! Anne

Shannon,

Your life situation touched my heart. I think you are so brave to be moving forward in your painful loses. My belief has always been that we may have come from BAD situations but it is what we do with those situations that define us as humans. You are so young and all of your feelings are just that – they are your feelings. You have a right to feel anyway you feel. Please do not push them away or feel anyway but how you feel. It is never too late to face our demons. It is important for you to believe that none of what happened during your early life had anything to do with you. My first reaction to your story was to wish I could rap you around in my arms and just hold you. Please keep going to your therapist. Visit here and share your journey. We listen. Your layers of grief are what make you experience the raw, painful, hurt feelings, so go with them and always remember – you are innocent. Take care of your health. Bless you. Anne

Thank you so much, Mary. I so want Otto to be all right. I'm glad that you are not going to the food pantry on Monday. This FLU is dangerous. I understand what you mean when you say that you were in good health when caring for Bill. I don't remember having a day that I was ill when caring for Jim in five years! I still think of myself on a treadmill. Soon I hope to be off of it. Care for yourself. I find it calming to come to this forum. It does not make me seem so alone. Downton Abbey sounds like it would be fun to watch. I have a hard time understanding accents!! Like I said in an earlier post try to understand a person with an IA, IL, & Southern Kentucky accent - that's me... Anne

Something to make you feel good.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=Hzgzim5m7oU&vq=medium

I just finished dinner with a friend of mine who is like a brother to me. He was so good with Jim during his last years of life. Otto had a three week stint in the hospital over the last two months and they finally have narrowed down his DX - he has esophageal cancer (early stages). Hopefully they will be able to remove the tumor with no radiation or chemo!! His wife, Terri, who passed away with breast cancer four years ago taught with me for over three decades. We all have known one another for a very long time.

I will let you know when I bring a new family member (my luv dog) home. He/she will look at me and know that he/she has found its new family.

Mary, good for you that you sent that visitor away. Thank you, Kay, for reminding me that I will soon have a very good reason for getting of my behind and start walking more!! Anne

So many questions, Mary… Yes, I have thought very carefully about this – I do not want a very small dog nor could I have a Greyhound, Newfoundland, or other BIG dog in my family since I would not be able to exercise my new family member as it would need. No puppy. My energy is not there yet.

I need a dog that would be friendly with my granddog, Fred, who is a Beagle. Fred gets along with anyone. I would love a medium sized dog but mostly I want someone in my family who will feel the love I will have for it and be happy to hang around the house with me.

I am fortunate to be retired and will be home most of the time. I also have friends around the community who will visit so my new family member can socialize with others. I won’t be able to go up into the mountains that surround me here in the valley, but I should be able to do easy trails. Even Sedona has walking places when we have gone there with Fred.

You mentioned to me before that he/she will find me and we will know.

Funny how you know when the time is right.

I have to go out and cover my outside pipes. We are suppose to have some freeze weather for the next few nights and I already have neighbors calling me and telling we what I have to do. Anne

Thank you, Mary for the link to Pet Partners. I am familiar with the web site. I talked to Pat (Jim's daughter) and I am ready to visit the pet rescue center and bring my luv dog home. She said that we will take a crate, etc. because we'll have a third passsenger when we return home. I had this strange feeling when I woke up this morning that something special was going to happen! I'll let you know if my special dog finds me. Anne

Thank you so much, Kay. I surely will take your words to heart. I like cinnamon and do use it. Prayer and meditation are fine, but I don't think the yoga thing will work out right now - too many chocolates over the holidays. I have a passion for music. I do walk but not as much as I'd like too. I am working on 'reclaming my power' and understand that stress can be a serious block. Since I've been awakening more to the loss of Jim feelings do enter my being and I ache all over. I guess it is the price one pays for loving too much. I did not think it possible to be so connected with another human being. As we live our lives we do just that - we are living and now I am finding that without my other half it is so painful. My hope is that I will work through this darkness and be able to find a new person in who I am. I love life and people so I can see me turning into someone who is different yet still me.

A few of us retired teachers are going to be setting up a library in a charter school here next week. I'll be ordering the ebooks and connecting the school with the software they'll use. One of the things I was involved in before I retired.

I'm struggling with going into IL to visit family during the winter so I'm still working on that. Health is first though.

Another thing I'm during is reading to second graders at one of the schools here. A teacher I mentored is now teaching second grade and I'm going to be 'grandma story teller.' Never thought I'd be doing that! I even have my own rocking chair in the "Reading Corner" of her classroom. Life does go on. Peace Anne

.

Thank you, Harry. This set back hit me around the first part of December. Docs are somewhat concerned because they can't control the B/P. I'll do what they say. I blame it on the fact that I just turned 70!!

Again, thank you so much for your post on Hunger. Anne

Dear Kay,

Thank you for your concern. They say if we all live long enough something will go wrong. The kidney and heart are only in beginning stages of decline. And most reach those stages at a certain age. I'll wait for the cardiologist to tell me how worried I should be. I'd just like to get the B/P under cocntrol.

I think what I'm going to need to do is work on patience for my next goal. I have found that I really don't have much patience! So much for that virtue.

Mary,

I take in most everything you say and it gives me hope to know that we do come to a different place after our loss. Yes, what you said about the infinity sign does make sense. It is so difficult to accept the ebb and flow of this grief!

I so agree with you about accents. You should hear what they say about my Iowa/Chicago accent!

I love what you said about the train whistles. What a memory. Anne

Thank you Harry. After rereading your post I now have a name for that which I’m missing so much – hunger. I cried.

I too have been struggling with the sad face I see in the mirror every day.

There has to be something in our inner most beings that two people connect with when they find each other. For you, 21 years three months and eight days of marriage – for me almost forty years of living, breathing, and treasuring a soul partner.

I love your story. As sad as it is there is a glimmer of hope for me. We are strong and we do survive even in our most intense pain. My journey is only beginning and many others on this forum have been on their journey for a long time.

One of the favorite sentences in your story is - ‘No gardener could have pulled out one without damaging the other.’ This is how I feel about the loss of Jim.

I will be reading the book—From We To Me

Thank you for sharing. It helps so very much to know that there are others who are missing a part of themselves also and always will. Anne

Thank you for your post, Marty, about ‘One Year Older.’ I agree with Mary, it is a good article. And right now, I cannot imagine not remembering Jim’s B/Day ever. Right now, for me, Jim is consuming my every thought. Everything around me is a reminder of his being here. Everything in this house holds concrete reminders of Jim. And I want them to. I know that eventually I will move forward and many of these thoughts I have will be reminders that Jim is in my heart, he is in my children, he is in my memories, and he will never be forgotten. I have to say that I will look forward to forgetting if only for a little while my Jim. He will always be in my heart. I will find pleasures in life around me. April 3^rd will come and I know I will miss him more than ever because it will be only our first B/Day away from one another after spending forty years celebrating B/Days together. I cannot imagine at this time that in two or three or more years I will think of Jim but not with so much heartache.

I am encouraged to know that life will get easier, the pain will be less severe, and there will be days that Jim will be a little more in the background of my pain. The hole will always be there. The heart will always ache. Perhaps not as much.

For those of you who are waiting for my DX from the doc - my tests results came back today – 1/9/2013

Stage 3/4 kidney disease - GFR reading indicated a # close to stage 4 but still stage 3 - DX could be reason for uncontrolled high B/P, edema, dyspnea, and Stage C, Class 111 congestive heart failure. Now doesn’t that sound serious!!? So I’m off to a cardiologist first to determine causes of the symptoms I’ve been having since early Dec. and then we’ll go from there. Primary Care docs can only do so much and since they can’t control my B/P I’m off to a guy who can figure out what is going on. I think they just want my money. Thank you for the prayers and your concern.

I think I need to take a road trip to England and see a friend of mine. Now if you, Mary, would hurry and get well maybe you can join me and we could sit around in our pjs and talk about our loved ones. What better therapy could there be!!??

Anne

Dear Melina,

Well, first of all thank you for sharing yourself with us. How wonderful that your four boys are attending college and two of them are even married. As you say, they are good people and you have every right to be proud of them. I am sure that their father IS watching over them.

From my point of view I can assure you that your children do know how much you care and support them. My late husband, Jim, and I have seven children between us and all are now adults with children of their own. We are parents, grandparents, and great grandparents. I still worry about each of them and I know that Jim is watching over each and every precious one of them. It is our job as a parent to worry, but as Mary said in her post it is necessary ‘to come to terms with the worry.'

I think it is very natural for you to have all those questions in your head.

I like to think of the word trust when I go down the avenue you are questioning and I try to remember that as a human being I can do my best and trust that that is enough. I am finding after only a little over seven months without Jim that I have the exact same questions you are having and I don’t think there are any answers to all these questions except to live in the moment, trust that everything will be all right, and come to this forum for your support. Family and friends seem to disappear when one loses a spouse. That is a reality. The people on this forum understand that.

I think you are doing all you can and that is all that is expected of you. I'm not going to tell you not to worry but I will suggest that you sprinkle it with a little trust that all will turn out ok.

It so helps for us to share our thoughts. We some how receive strength from kind and understanding words. Anne

My Dear Jan,

I am hearing you. One thing I am trying to understand is how to deal with the emotions that come at me with such force. We have talked about this. It is not easy to let the pain happen. We are too new in our grief. I've always been one to get over things in my life but the death of Jim is not something I'm 'getting over.' I know I will find a way to accept and embrace it but it is not coming easy and I so do not like pain. You can feel anyway you want to feel and that is alright here on this forum. I understand what you mean when you say you connect with some of the people here. We are blessed to have those who walk with us in our grief.

I know we are all in our own grief yet we are so compassionate with each other. We are very much aware that others here are with us. I am finding that I'm more sensitive to the pain around me. I am grateful to Mary, Kay, you, Marty, and others who have reached out to me. It is humbling. I am learning from the compassion of others.

A quote from Maya Angelou that I have been thinking about: "I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." I carry everyone I know in my heart and most of the time I am grateful. There just are those days that I am in need of those hugs and encouraging words from fellow grievers. Anne

Thank you for being such an understanding soul, Kay. You always give me peace. I know people "get" it and I treasure that. I am grateful for this site because I do know that I can say anything and I will not be judged for my words. I know we all have good and bad days and it's what we do with them that helps us along our way. I feel your hugs because I know that you are so sincere. Yes, I am struggling with how "touch-less" life has become for me. That is part of what makes me sad. I am trying to be in the moment and accept that I am where I need to be. It is so easy to say that 'I'm where I am suppose to be' yet quite another to accept it. And I do know that I am so early in my grief that I need to grieve and not try to skip over the pain of Jim not being here. I do believe that it will come. I have never been a patient person. Thank you for being here while I struggle. So many of you have been so kind. Anne

Thank you, Mary, for your kind words. You get well. I know you understand. Peace. Anne

Everything Seems so Shallow

Dear Members,

No matter how hard I try to move forward in my new life I am left with the sharp pain of missing the one and only true love of my life. There is a void that cannot be put into words. Words, music, nature, and dance are all expressions of the love I have for Jim, but nothing fills the void of his death. Nothing.

My memories are treasures but they do not replace the need to be held and told that I am loved. Words of encouragement are appreciated but they do not nor can they replace the conversations we had together over coffee and dessert. Music soothes me and provides a calm over me but it does not replace the ache I have to be sitting with Jim and listening to the music together. Beautiful flowers, trees, brooks, mountains, and sunsets are all breathtaking but the joy of watching and seeing all these things without Jim is heartbreaking to me at this time.

I want to be grateful for all that I have but the most important person I want is no longer with me. I am trying to place him in my imagination but it is not the same. It is not the same and I want it to be the same.

I feel ashamed to have all these thoughts that appear to be so self-centered but I can’t seem to accept the loss of the one and only person who completed me.

Moving forward is not going to be an easy task and I want it to be easy so it is not so painful. This awakening of the death of Jim has stopped me right in my tracks and I only have energy to cry until I’m exhausted. I once told someone that I was not an angry person but now I find myself lashing out at Jim for leaving me alone. I know I gave him permission to go but I now realize that I didn’t want him to leave me. If I had known that it would have been so painful I never would have told him it was ok.

My only comfort with all of this right now is that I do believe that I am grieving and that it is all right for me to have all of these thoughts. I am sharing this with you because I am sure I am not the only one who is or has felt this way about any loss of a cherished one. Anne

Dear Mary,

I loved the picture. I am only beginning to understand the deep pain of remembering special days. My Jim has only been gone for seven months yet it seems like forever!! So many memories in December for me. And the holidays were very difficult. I think that we are so fortunate to have this forum where we can express our emotions to those who really do 'get it.' I also understand as Mary says that we are sometimes forced to 'buck up' with family members. Sitting and crying anytime seems to work for me and I do turn the phone off and and listen to music or watch sad movies. I think anything that draws the tears out of us is good for us.

Please know that you are not alone and we will be remembering you and Mike during these hard days. Peace, Anne

Dear LisaAnnB,

I am so sorry that you lost your Dad only nine weeks ago, yet I am very happy that you found your memory of him something to finally smile about while looking at photos as you looked up at the North Star while sitting on your porch wrapped in a blanket. I know how cold winters can be in Nebraska being an Iowa girl myself.

It’s a wonderful thing you are doing by scanning the photos of your Dad. I really like the idea that you consider it an honor to sort and scan your photos. I helped our kids do that after my Jim passed away and we made a timeline of Jim’s life and when we had the memorial for him the timeline wrapped around the room for all to see. It was fun listening to the kids cry out: “oh, I remember that”, “no, that wasn’t me!”, “Dad had hair then”, and on and on it went. Everyone took home a smaller copy of the timeline and all seven kids have that memory of their Dad. What a long life together your Mom and Dad shared. Keep smiling as you scan those pictures.

I know you will continue to have good memories of your Dad. Know that you have this place to come and share with us anytime. Anne