enna

Dear Kay,

Sometimes you come across something that just has to be shared. I guess this is my way of letting you know that you are not walking alone during your ache. enna

You’ll Never Walk Alone

R. Rogers/O. Hammerstein 11

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk alone

When you walk through a storm

Hold your head up high

And don't be afraid of the dark

At the end of the storm

Is a golden sky

And the sweet silver song of the lark

Walk on through the wind

Walk on through the rain

Though your dreams be tossed and blown

Walk on walk on with hope in your heart

And you'll never walk alone

You'll never walk

You'll never walk

You'll never walk alone.

Kay,

Your responses are always so comforting - you are a very caring person and I am glad I'm on this site. I feel privileged to be taking part in this group.

Mary,

I really like your idea of 'integrating' our pain and how you remind me that it's 'one day at a time' - kind of like Marty's advice -'putting one foot in front of the other, one moment, one hour, one day at a time.' Thank you for being here for a 'new' griever as I reach out for that courage so many of you already have.

Marty,

Once again your insight has been a life line for me during this grief journey. Thank you for the encouragement and gently reminding me that I can learn to 'live with and manage' my ache.

Jan,

Are you or have you taken the online class - 'The First Year of Grief: Help for the Journey' by our Marty T.? I am and I chose to receive the e-mails twice a month. I feel the class will give me some ideas to cope with this intense ache. It is also available in book form. I am reading your posts because of how close our losses are. Be well and keep posting. Today is a new day. enna

To those who have lost a spouse and others who are listening,

Today I’m so sad. This sadness stabs at me and my heart aches. I miss the love of my life and I want him back and I know that that won’t happen. What I don’t know is will this deep ache ease after awhile? It has only been a little over three months. I am trying to read about grief, listen to music, read poetry, read about what others are going through but the ache is almost unbearable. I don’t want my husband to be dead. He knows that I would have continued to care for him for however long. Why does it have to hurt so much? Some days I feel good and at peace and days like today I don’t know what I’m going to do without him. How does one get the courage to walk alone after so many years walking with your soul mate? enna

Dear Nathan's_sister,

I am so sorry for the loss of your Dad. My sister passed not too long ago of small cell carcinoma in the lungs. Like your Dad she entered the hospital with pneumonia and in three days she was gone. Very surprised about the docs advice to tell your sister not to grieve for six months - we are a strong lot and and I really don't know how someone can tell another person NOT to grieve for six months! Are the twins ok? It sounds to me that you have been a great help to your sister. I truly believe that your Dad is guiding you - now, he may be nudging you to take time to grieve. It is something that can not be put off because if you do I think there is something called complicated grief and that is what happens when someone pushes their feelings way in the background and does not take care of the business of grieving. This is only my opinion but you are in the right place by finding this web site. Many people understand your pain better than I do. Take time to grieve. enna

Jan,

You are in my thoughts. We have to take care of ourselves. That is part of the progression of our journey. I'm so sorry that you are having some physical signs. In my opinion, mind and body are one and we need to care for both. Thank you for all you share it helps for the rest of us to be on the look out. enna

Thank you for the information, Mary. I am only now starting to read about grief and bereavement - something I haven't been able to do until now Lou LaGrand has been a big help for me. Olaf Olafsson's book Walking Into the Night is also quite enlightening. enna

Wow! A song I found while looking for something else. Marty posted this on Nov. 1, 2007 under the post After-death Communication. I think the song can apply to all who have lost a dear one. http://www.spiritlyric.com/song.html Hope we can hear this. enna

Korki,

I am so sorry for your loss. You are at the right place for there are people here who can relate. Each one of us walk this path in their own way. I have found poetry to be a comfort to me. It will get better only different. You are in my thoughts and prayers. enna

Kay,

Sometimes there just aren't words - you are indeed a woman of strength. I want this poem and attachment to be my words to let you know that you are in the right place when you share with those of us who have chosen this forum. enna

A Women of Strength

A woman of strength,

Has courage to face the day,

And the confidence,

To handle whatever comes her way.

A woman of strength,

Has so much love to give,

And more compassion,

It gives her a reason to live.

A woman of strength,

Can face trouble with more hope,

Face adversity,

Always finding the strength to cope.

A woman of strength,

Can take the bad with the good,

And learn from it all,

With a sense of pride that’s understood.

A woman of strength,

Can conduct herself with grace,

Hold her head up high,

And dignity always has its place.

A woman of strength,

Can face almost anything,

And can look forward,

To what the future will possibly bring…

{©2008 Jan Brooks}

Thank you, Harry for sharing your anniversary post with us. I lost my husband of forty years to ALZ disease 3 months ago this month and I want to thank you for your post: Looking for the positives. This site has helped me to wake up each morning with the thought that before the day is over I'll focus on just one positive. I don't know if that will happen each day but it's a good way to get through this fog. You are in our thoughts as you make it through another anniversary. enna

Jan,

I hear you. Take care of yourself and know that this is a place that we can come to and connect with others who are all grieving at different levels. It is good to draw strength from others. enna

Dear Kristen,

Thank you for the beautiful poem. A part of the healing process is to let those emotions flow. You are in the right place right now. This group is such a comfort. Know that we do listen. enna

It's morning and I had time to think about what Kay and Mary said about things they have done on their own. I tried to send my thoughts as an attachment but it said there was an error so I have to put this in this message. Your courage is giving me some hope that in time things will be less painful. enna

Tackling the Concrete Wall

My thoughts on going on without my Love:

… if you’re faced with a concrete wall and you want to get to the other side, you’ve got a few choices. You can either blast through it, walk around it, dig under it, climb over it…or act as if it doesn’t exist and walk right through it. “

I think we all have more potential than we realize and our lives have more possibilities than we can fathom. Those of you that have shared your concrete walls and how you got to the other side, thank you. I’m still standing on the other side of the concrete wall wondering if I’ll be strong enough to make it to the other side.

Some of my thoughts at this time are:

If I can give birth I can get through this . . . I don’t know why I thought of that! ☺

If I can cry and vent then I’ll be able to take the lead and make solutions instead of dwelling on the problem.

“One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” I don’t know why that came into my mind! Perhaps it’s the journey of putting one foot in front of the other to get to where we need to go.

My first call was to our Hospice Nurse to tell her that my Jim is not breathing and it’s really not just sleep apnea. Family was notified. My Jim was donating his body to science so I had to call Science Care. My Hospice of the Valley Team was with me throughout the morning guiding me through the fog. Later came memorial plans, contacts with SS, VA, Insurances, utilities, etc., etc, etc. Each day there seemed to be more to do. When will the paper work stop? I guess I was lucky in one way because I had been doing so many of the things we always shared together for several years. Some things I resisted were the small things like putting gas in the car. I had convinced myself that taking care of the cars was Jim’s job and I really didn’t want to do it. I finally gave in and began to do it without the bad attitude I had.

I am encouraged to hear from Mary and Kay that as time passes I will be able to do some of the things they are doing. I change filters now. I call the landscaper and tell him what needs to be done. I go out to lunch with the girls. I try to be kinder. I signed up for Marty’s e-mail class on getting through the first year of grief.

I am hoping to get to a place where I can carry Jim along with me as I go through this journey alone. enna

I'm here, but I need time to digest your thoughts. This is a good question. One thing I can say right now is that I do think I am strong even though I don't feel strong right now. I'll put something together but I do want to say that I am impressed with your courage. enna

Marty,

Good article. Difficult for me to focus on it's content. I did order some books and will try to read them. I think I've been shying away from the permanent element of this loss. I've been finding myself getting angry at someone that I have loved for forty years. Emotions are all over the place right now. I liked the idea of setting a reachable goal and making a plan. enna

Mary,

Thank you for sharing. We are all such unique people. I'm glad you'll have more time to post. It's strange that when we open our hearts to what others have to say we some how gain new insights into our own grief. enna

My dear new friends - today I went out and purchased a Casio piano with keys that light up. "Why?" you say. Well, my granddaughter who just started first grade has been taking lessons for two years now and mommy sent me a video of her little 'concert'. So I got to thinking this could be a way to connect more and perhaps I'd keep myself from moving into a very dark place. I am missing my Jim so much that I really don't want to think that his absence is permanent. I know I'm in the 'trauma' or grief stage since tomorrow it will only be 3 months. He loved music and knew I couldn't carry a tune even though I tried. I think he must be smiling right now. Let's remember dear friends that natural sadness is normal. Our grief is a reaction to a loss. enna

I am so glad that I am not the only one who is operating in denial. One thing that I am holding on to is that we are not on a time clock. Each of us will take the steps we are ready for when we are ready. I am still under three months since my Jim passed and I know I keep a protected shield around me and that is ok. enna

My prayers are with you. I am sorry that you have this to worry about. Coming from the south west I know about fires. Arizona can be both breathtaking and horrific at the same time. Fire is an enemy that no one wants to confront. Prayers. enna

75 days ago I lost the most important person in my life, my husband. At first there were no tears and now all I do is cry. I miss so many things about our forty years together. It is so lonely. I miss our morning coffees and the quiet evenings on our patio. We were soul mates. I retired in 2007 to keep a closer eye on my love who was slipping away with Alzheimer's disease. I am too numb to think of all that we went through but the one thing that I am so grateful for is the ALZ support group for caregivers I helped to start in our retirement community. I belonged to this group for two plus years until I had to step back to spend more time with my loved one. We were able to stay home with the help of the angels of Hospice of the Valley. Our Team was so supportive. We began our journey with Hospice in the beginning of May and my Jim was gone May 25th. I guess the reason I'm thinking about this right now is that I want you to know that you don't have to be alone. My Jim passed away in his home where he wanted to be. We talked about what he wanted before he was not able to think these things through. I know he knew he was at home even though those last few days were silent since he was not able to vocalize. His eyes spoke to those who visited. I miss him so. enna