enna

Dear Jan,

How are YOU doing today? I hope you are moving through the tunnel.

I really liked this poem and photo I'm adding for you to read. I hope you are able to open it.

Anne

Wild Geese.pdf

Hi Anthony,

What a special day you had. How very brave that you went alone. I really liked the message you wrote to Celene. I know how much you miss Celene - you always will - and I'm very glad that you still have the wedding ring on. I wear my band and it will stay on my finger also. Isn't it strange how people come into our lives and just know what to say?! Yes, your heart will know what to do. You are in my thoughts. Thank you for sharing this with us. Anne

Marty,

Great article. I caught it on Ezine articles this morning when I opened my e-mails. I like being given permission to share what's going on in the inside. I find comfort talking about my grief to anyone. I don't feel like I have to bottle it up. My something new was to start playing the piano! I talk to Jim every time I'm playing and I know he's smiling since he knows better than anyone about my inability to carry a tune! I try not to give grief too much of my day. It makes me feel better when I step out of the sad mode and go for ice cream or a big fat juicy hamburger from Red Robin (one of Jim's favorite places). I know all about healthy, but just every now and then it's good to do something bad! I like many people – loving is harder – it takes courage, it takes risk to expose oneself to others – rejection is not a pleasant feeling. I really liked Wilder's idea of the bridge – it will take some thought and reading to find that place where I can begin a new relationship with Jim. Right now, I just miss him and want him back as he was. I know it's necessary to take care of myself…easier said than done. It's very hard to sit and eat most of your meals alone let alone prepare them. You can't always go out with others or cook for others. The aloneness will be a challenge so that when you are eating you're not staring at the food wishing you had someone, anyone to talk to. For some reason, food just doesn't taste right right now. I'm not at the place where I can or want to get too involved with others – I can be with others and still be very much alone. I hope this will pass in time. Some days I can go four hours without being sad and at other times I'm sad fifty-nine minutes in every hour. My go to word has become 'hummm' – it seems to help me cope a bit. Anne

I came across this quote today and it just seemed so appropriate for you Mary -

Sometimes in life, you find a special friend. Someone who changes your life just by being part of it. Someone who makes you laugh until you can't stop. Someone who makes you believe that there really is good in the world. Someone who convinces you that there really is an unlocked door just waiting for you to open it. This is forever friendship. When you're down and the world seems dark and empty, your forever friend lifts you up in spirit and makes that dark and empty world suddenly seem bright and full. Your forever friend gets you through the hard times, the sad times and the confused times. If you turn and walk away, your forever friend follows. If you lose your way, your forever friend guides you and cheers you on. Your forever friend holds your hand and tells you that everything is going to be okay. And if you find such a friend, you feel happy and complete because you need not worry. You have a forever friend, and forever has no end.

This seems to be the friend Cathy is to you Mary. You are in my thoughts. Anne

- Unknown

So I needed a good belly laugh right now. Thanks Marty. And am I glad I’m not the first one to respond. Good for you, Kay.

You really don’t want me to comment on our grief discussion site with my Jim staring at ALL of you do you?

The blog was very interesting. Hummm - Everyone is entitled to there own opinion so I won’t be negative about what I read. I guess everything is all right to be put out there!

I have probably commented more than anyone about how I missed the hugs, the hand-holding, touches, the looks – we are all coming from a different set of circumstances in our relationship with our spouses. Jim and I had to become creative when it came to the intimacy of our relationship during the last years. He was not physically able to do what we so enjoyed in our early years. Sorry, Love!! But did his twinkling eyes follow me wherever I went. He was tender and sweet and I so miss that. I miss him sitting on the edge of our bed watching me as I came out of the shower. He said that he just loved looking at me - my belly and all. I loved him for accepting me as I became after forty years of marriage. I loved that he still touched me even those last few hours that he was still aware of what was going on around him. Intimacy is a very private thing to me. Lovemaking made me shiver and tingle inside. I do not think about SEX right now. I think about good hugs and someone listening to me. I think about how much I miss my Love. Anne

You don’t leave anything left under a rock do you Marty? Thank you.

I like a DARE, also. And if this isn’t censored - Who’s going to be next??

Let the tears flow dear Jan. The tsunami seems to have arrived. You and I have talked about this before and we both believe that crying is healing. My arms are around you as you sob, wail, or sniffle – only wish we were not across the ocean. Remember how important it is to release those toxins. It will not be the only time you will cry as Mary reminds us. I have found it helpful to go to the mirror and bawl my eyes out and tell myself that it’s going to be all right. When I can actually see myself after a real full blown cry I can’t help but chuckle a bit and tell myself that I’m really glad no one is here to see this sorry mess. You know what? I do feel better and I am again able to take a few more steps forward. I am so sorry for the pain that you are feeling. Remember, there is NO timetable. We will all get through this in our own way and at our own time. Reality really stinks, doesn’t it? Hugs Anne

Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief was/is a good article Marty.

Hi Everybody,

I’m not ready to discuss with you yet, Mary. You are WAY beyond what my mind is able to comprehend right now. I’m still very much in a ‘brain fog’ and I didn’t even have an NDE.

Schlagbytes are great. Dr. Hammerschlag, MD makes me smile. My summary since my mind isn’t working fully – grieving, you know – therefore, be aware of those who cross your path and LOVE them – because, as Marty put it – love is what it’s all about. Happy reading everyone…

Marty, I liked all dog and cat clips but was really warmed to the ‘proper hug’ video. thanks Anne

Dave,

I am so sorry that you are dealing with the loss of your mother. You have my deepest sympathy. How wonderful that you had the chance to tell your mother that you loved her and she told you that she loved you - what a gift. I am sorry that she suffered a massive stroke and you were not there. In the end I know that you will be at peace for being able to follow her wishes as much as it hurts now. How wonderful that you were at her bedside when she passed. Any thoughts you are having are ok - many things go through our minds during the height of our grief - as long as you know that you would not act - it is also perfectly normal to be withdrawn - you are grieving and you have the right to feel however you want to feel. People make insensitive remarks because they really don't know what to do - your feelings are all ok because it is about you.

Our grief counselor moderator, Marty, has a suitcase full of articles and books that will give you some comfort/knowledge about the grieving process. She will be better able to direct you to what will be good for you. I would suggest that you go to www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-parent.htm to start.

You are at a good place being here on this web site. Peace in your heart and keep visiting your grandmother. Anne

This is great news - congrats to both of you. I know Bill was watching over you. I would have given anything to see Bentley chow down that burger. Anne

Mary,

Just finished reading ‘Proof of Heaven” by Eden Alexander. Wow! To heaven and back – many seem to question this theory no matter their spirituality or lack of - we have been questioning the afterlife from the beginning of – and Dr. Eben Alexander seems to NOW believe! His use of adjectives about the new world filled the pages as he wrote – one would think that our finite minds would never be able to describe such a heavenly experience. I liked his analogy of the rocket launch when he was experiencing his out of body trip.

As I began to read the book I felt like I was going to embark on a real fairy tale – then I moved into it more and found it interesting to a point, unbelievable at times, skepticism started to set in, incredulity crept in, my rather scientific mind started to take over, and when I finished the book I said to myself, “that was a good read.” I would like to have the question ‘does consciousness exist independently of the brain?’ answered by some of the neuroscientists who are out there. I guess I’ll have to start reading some of the books on Dr. Eben Alexander’s booklist at the end of his book – not that my booklist isn’t already filled to the max. My opinion only… Anne

Good Morning,

You are in my thoughts, Arlene. Five very short/long months. We are on the waves, aren't we? You have had many experiences with spirits. I have not. I carry my Jim in my heart knowing that he is ever present. This is what I believe. I see nothing, hear nothing but I know he is with me. We will continue to cry, laugh, and go about the business of living for that is what we have to do. You are in my heart. Happy sunning on your side of the state. Your view from the house is really breathtaking. I love the mountains, I like hiking Camel Back and the White Tanks. I take all the shorter walks now. Enjoy these most beautiful months we are entering into. Anne

Mary,

You always know just what to say. Thank you for the rays of hope you send my way. They are so appreciated. Today I finally sat out on the patio and had coffee. Those of you who know how I've been struggling with this one will understand. I removed the link because too many were checking it out. So we have to watch it on YouTube. I'll send the link later. Anne

Jan, thank you for your kind words. You are in my heart. See the link under my response to Mary. :)Anne

Dear Kay,

As I have said before – you are a very special person. My heart is with you during this time. There really aren’t any words so please know that you are in my heart. I’ll keep sending you those e-mail hugs. You are not alone in this journey. Anne

First of all - you are in the right place. Here you can share your feelings without anyone judging you. I am so sorry for your loss. You have had a long relationship with Matthew. He was so very young. It is always so painful when a life ends so suddenly and tragically. It is very common to have feelings of sadness when such a tragic accident happens. I so hope you are getting professional help to walk you through this trauma - medication can help but it is so very important that you talk with someone in grief counseling who will understand what you are going through. Loosing someone is not a disease. You are grieving. Feelings of helplessness is common when you loose someone. There are many links on this web site for you to go to. Marty, our moderator, will be better able to point you in the right direction for those sites. Holidays will be an issue. You have to do what you want to do not what someone tells you to do. It is so important that you accept your feelings and feel the pain. Then you will be able to move forward. We are here on this web site. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Anne

Days leading up to October 25^th – five months – 'shaping my new existence' as author Lou LaGrand writes about in the article Marty sent out this morning. How fitting. I'm choosing to 'reinvest' in my new life. And I will learn to 'love in separation' as I 'adapt to this different environment.' My journal entry coming up to five months: My pain is so raw my Love – I am in full pain – I miss you so much – how am I to go on – what words are there to heal? I do not want you to be DEAD but I know you are – my heart is BROKEN. Words do not comfort me. I must decide to accept this pain and slowly move on in my life – I DO feel your presence – you ARE with me - at times I am very CALM – and other times I am hurried – to do something – anything – I am searching - I think what I am searching for will come to me in meditation, poetry, and music – I will come out of this darkness because that is what I choose. I choose to move on to a new beginning because what we had is gone but you will always be with me breathing on me, helping me to know that you are near. I am AFRAID of the triggers that I now know will come and go. I want to be strong – that is what you would want of me. I am not the same person. There are people who know what this journey is all about. I hope I can accept their hand and gain strength from them. We are assured that we will NOT have to go on this journey alone. I am counting on that. I demand it for as I've said before, "No Man Is An Island."

I have ever so slowly gotten off the treadmill I have been on for the five years of your illness. I am slowly entering into another phase of this journey – I will keep searching this – I need to believe that we WILL be together again – only in a different dimension.

I am doing a few positive things to move on – you know how much I'm attached to the computer! http://www.griefhealingdiscussiongroups.com/uploads/emoticons/default_smile.png' alt=':)'> I have started to piece together several Author-Streamed videos with the main theme being loosing a loved one. This seems to help me since I'm always thinking of you. I hope to upload them to YouTube soon in hopes that my journey will help someone else through theirs. I love you and miss you so much. Your Anne

There are many of us on this grief journey coming up to the FIRSTS this year – first holiday, first anniversary, first birthday, first, first, first… I almost hate that word. Again we struggle with WORDS. Many people here on this web site (fellow grievers) have shared suggestions as to what we will be facing. I know everyone remembers their FIRSTS - The pain and anguish - It seems to me that you and I have to do what is in our hearts. If we want to stay home and cry then that is what we do. If we want to do something different then that is what we do. If we want to pretend that our loved one really isn't dead than we do just that. What harm will it do to pretend for a moment that the one we love so dearly is still with us – as long as we remember that…

I am rambling, but I think you 'GET IT'!! You are all beautiful people and each one of us WILL come through this tunnel. It just might take some of us a bit longer.

PS – I really don't know where this post is coming from – I am not this person – I share with very few people and I know that most people have long moved on with their lives and some even think that we should too. However, I think I have found a place that allows me to grieve with others and does not judge me or tell me to move on with life. You are all in my heart. Anne

Please take a minute to read Marty's post on the main page under 'new content.'

Mary and Kay and Jan, and too whoever is reading these posts at this time. You are loved. Listen to music because it DOES open your hearts. It matters not what the song is - music does fill your hearts with calm, peace , and love. I hope you are receiving mine to you. Peace, Anne

I really like Salberg's book Real Happiness and I can't go a day without reading the Huffington Post. Dark places are NOT fun. I too find that to sit quietly and listen is so cleansing to my being. I am so self-absorbed right now that I don't even mind it. Actually it is quite comforting. It makes me feel good to look back on the beautiful times Jim and I had for sooooo many years. Music is my real connection with Jim right now. I think I have even convinced myself that I see him in most music/nature that I listen to. Peace my friends. Anne

I have come to appreciate your friendship, you are a very caring person who has been through a lot, I'm sure that has impacted your perception and heart!

Thank you for being you. I am a much more sensitive person for having lost the love of my life. Nothing has been so painful in my life. Anne

You are in my heart. gotcha is such a good word. Remembering is both good and painful. An extra hour had to be so good as YOU look back. People move on, don't they? One nice thing about our lives is that we don't have to move on... You are in my heart. Happy remembering. (((hugs))) Anne

I've removed this.

I hear you, Mary. Many hands I'm sure are extended to you. My hand is as yours has been to me. Thank you for your post. We are fortunate to have this grief web site as we take the walk (stumble, crawl) through our grief journeys. No one said 'learning' was easy.

I suppose we will all have those minutes, hours, days . . . when we're just not feeling ourselves. Motivation and enthusiasm wean. We sort of stand on the edge of a precipice – sometimes wondering just how many roller coaster rides we can stomach. How fortunate that you have people you know who know how to listen, who are there for you and for what you need at this time. We who are in the throws of our grief cycles I'm sure wonder what in the world is going to happen to us if we are not as strong as those who continue to pull themselves out of the darkness. For some of us a rope that we are holding on to is no more than a piece of thread. Everything has exploded and the ability to be open and positive just isn't there or if it is it is so transparent that it's almost impossible to see it through the tears.

I know how much Bill meant/means to you. It is good to know that when someone who is as caring and sensitive as you are knows how to go with the pain and tears. I don't know if I'll be able to accept those things as my teacher! And I hope that when I travel in some of those places I have a hand or two to grab.

Thank you for your post. Thank you for sharing what you are 'learning'. They say that painters are often more introspective – it will be good to see your finished painting – hoping that there will be much more 'light and life' in it when completed. If not, then it is what it is. I miss the fall season. I think I'll take a ride up to Sedona and loose myself in the colors.

I also want to tell you that I really loved your Labyrinth of Grief poem. I liked the metaphor – the labyrinth - you used to describe the walk through your journey of grief. Twists and turns are definitely going to be in our grief journeys aren't they!

Anne

To All of Us not looking forward to the holidays: and please – I mean no insensitivity to anyone.

Things I have to look forward to that will be my firsts without my Love: Thanksgiving, my birthday in December, our wedding anniversary (forty years) in December, Christmas, New Year's Eve - What to do! What to do! I don't know. It's too much to even think about. Pressure here - pressure there – pressure coming from everywhere. Come here, do this, do that – I think I'll go out and rescue a cat. I have a suggestion – let's all meet in Camelot and shake our hand at the entire lot. And since we really can't do that I found a poem that just might lift our spirits up.

"A belly laugh changes biochemistry and clears out emotional gunk like little else." And I don't know who said it.

ps – don't forget Marty's link – Coping with The Holidays – my favorite is: The Blues: Holiday or Anyday – I still think Camelot is a good choice. Let's all go out and "Scatter Joy…." Anne

My dear Kay,

I would like to respond to your kindness about my thoughts about Jim during his journey with Alzheimer's disease. Thank you.

Remember, if you know one person who has ALZ then you know only one person. It is a disease that is unique to each person.

I am so sorry that you felt 'jealous' because your mom knew your sister and she did not recognize you, I am so sorry that you are 'hurting.' I have come to know you through this web site as a caring, loving person and I can't imagine how much it must hurt you that your mom does not recognize you. Our minds are complicated. We only will know the answer to what exactly goes on in the mind when we are no longer here in this world. You know, the only way that anyone can know if someone really does have Alzheimer's disease in through a biopsy. I have read all your posts and I hear the struggle you have had all your life with your relationship with your mother. I am sorry that she was not capable of giving you the love that you so deserved as her child. And I know you say that you understand that she has had a sickness – never-the-less, it still must tear you apart knowing that she will not be long for this world and you still have not felt the love from a mother that you so deserve. I am so sorry for that. I truly hope that what you believe about Alzheimer's disease is what it is. I can only tell from first hand experience that I think a loved one really does not know what is happening to them in the later stages of Alzheimer's disease. To them, all is well in the world; to them, the world is just fine and there are no problems; to them everything is all right; to them there are no worries; to them, their reality is all that matters because they can't reason, discuss, or even understand that something is really wrong. I am grateful for that with my Jim. He had the diagnosis of 'age related' Alzheimer's. This is the most benign and simple form we were told. I was grateful for that. Jim remained a gentle, loving person - no anger, no outbursts. I will always be grateful for that. I would much rather suffer the pain than have him be aware that something is really wrong and not be able to understand it!! It is so easy for us to rationalize about 'staying in the now' but in reality – that just doesn't happen. Lewey Bodies as you know is a form of dementia. I am sorry that your mom has been diagnosed with this form of dementia. This type of Alzheimer's can show mental decline, there can be hallucinations and the fluctuation of being in and out of alertness are present. Muscles can become rigid and tremors can be present. It is as unique as each individual. All that is going on in your mom's health today has NOTHING to do with you. You do not have to second-guess yourself about what a loving daughter you have been. All of us who have read your posts know that you are a kind, caring, loving, and beautiful human being. Thank you for sharing your person with those of us on this web site. We are here for you just as you have been for others on this site for many years. Our arms will continue to be around you just as yours have been around us during our journey through grief. It matters NOT what the loss – we all grieve and deserve hugs. Mine to you, Kay. Anne

My thoughts during Jim's last days with me . . . suffering with Alzheimer's disease –

One thing I need to say about this disease - if you know one person who has Alzheimer's disease then you know only one person. This disease is unique to each person who has has been diagnosed with it.

Alzheimer's disease robs us of what we've worked so hard to build our entire lives: our intellect, our personalities and our memories - those who have it are alive… but not really living.

"Dusk is just an illusion because the sun is either above the horizon or below it. And that means that day and night are linked in a way that few things are there cannot be one without the other yet they cannot exist at the same time. How would it feel I remember wondering to be always together yet forever apart?"

― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

This movie had a message for me and that message is expressed in my feelings here:

During his last few weeks on this earth I would look at Jim, feeling utterly empty. I didn't know what I was supposed to say to him. My life was in that bed. Please let him stay. Please let him stay.

At the end of the day it was about how much I could bear, how much I could endure.

Jim kept slipping, going away and coming back – going – coming. Actually he had been doing this for several years already. This is what Alzheimer's disease does to you. It is so cruel. I hate it.

Being together, we harmed nobody; being apart, we extinguish ourselves. So we stayed always close and together. This loss was slow and painful for me – over five years of decline. I never ever wanted it to end. I was happy for any moments with him whether it was in reality or not – to me he was still with me. And that is all that ever mattered.

I was right in the thick of grief watching Jim as he slipped in and out of reality. He would look at me with such loving eyes not being aware that anything was wrong. So we talked like nothing was wrong – if he wanted it to be summer – it was summer – if he thought he was in IL where he grew up and spent most of his life – then we were in IL. If he thought it was Christmas then we sang carols. His reality was not my reality but he did not know this only I did. So my grief was in full swing. It was always ok with me because he was still with me and I could touch him and he could look and me and tell me how pretty I was. I cried and thanked him.

Now he is gone. He slipped away with no pain, looking at people who visited with a smile, not really knowing that anything was wrong. He placed his hand on my face and told me I was pretty the last time he was speaking. I said thank you and I love you. That night I remember I cried for hours.

Death forces us to look back and acceptance involves slowly turning our bodies around to look forward. I know that is going to be my journey now. I am afraid and I do not know where I'm going but somehow I do not feel alone. This grief support group has helped me express my feelings. I only hope I'm not expecting too much from you. I know you 'get it.' I have etched that in my mind. And I do not feel ashamed to place this all out on your shoulders and help me along. Hugs are good for me. I know I am not the only one who is/has taken this journey.

Forgot to add this link – it was one of the songs I used when I put together a picture video for all the kids celebrating the life of their father. When he was still alive. This song was written by Glen Campbell after he found out he had Alzheimer’s disease. Needless to say it spoke to me.

"If you begin a new chapter of life, you carry the person you lost along with you." This is what I'm going to hold on to.

Jan and Kay - thank you for your kind words. I know you 'get it.' Anne